first of all let me say cosmo has gone completely flaccid.

i used to relish it, but i bought a copy with lindsay lohan on the cover this month and it sucks balls. boy told me that only one of the “ten sex goddess secrets” actually works. and that you have to follow it up with some kick-ass oral anyway. so back to basics, yeah?

there was an ad for a weight loss pill which i will not name here for spammy reasons. the ad promises you don’t have to do anything except take the pills and you will lose 15-25 pounds in 4 weeks or your money back. i had one hand on the phone and the other on my visa card when i decided to google it. it is apparently very popular already in europe since most of the forum sites on it were in german or italian or french. however i did find a forum on 3 fat chicks that breaks down all the ingredients and what they do. it is apparently your standard diet pill. and with lots of complaints about backorders and misdirected payments, etc… so that would have probably been stupid of me.

they did have this one article about a girl who blogged and got caught by her employer blogging about her industry. she lost that job but had another one on hold but then lost that one too. but in the end she got a big book deal anyway and lots of PR.

what if i were discovered at work? omg. i can’t even think of it and still breathe.

someday i will totally shock you all by taking off the mask. and then you will probably ask for your money back…

and a crappy keyboard… boy broke it all while i was away!! i now have three computers without ms office which i need to spreadsheet crap and fix my resume! and i can’t find the disk either. also no photoshop or pretty much any other cool program. my thunderbird setup is totally lost and i am left with stupid webmail which makes me wade through eons of spam. i logged in yesterday and nearly puked when i saw over 1000 messages… some of them i am sure are important (renew your domain name or hey your bill is late etc.)…

i am clairvoyant or something. immediately after that last post about my dad this big family crisis happened that threw us together unexpectedly. for the last three weeks he has literally called me every single day. that’s more than he has called me the _entire_ time since i moved away (ten years now). i think it freaked him out a little. he made some wiseass crack about his cell phone bill.

it was odd too because my mother still really loves his family and vice versa and i know it eats him up inside. she has been polite and maintained her distance for a long time now. but this crisis was too big for her not to be there. let me just say that i had dinner in a mexican restaurant with both of my biological parents for the first time since i was like six. it was completely surreal…

and the ghosts there are just overpowering!! i kept staring hard at every person i saw walking along, in case i was related to them but might not recognize them since i never go home enough. and my dad called me stupid when i smoked a cigarette. my mom expressed her concern and then made me give her one. she proceeded to make silly faces and try to blow smoke rings at me the entire time. so they both accomplished the same thing, but i hate my mom a lot less…

i mentioned that i was not the only smoker in the family and my father totally bristled at that for some reason!! he took complete offense and demanded names. most of them are my cousins and i was like, fuck that! they do it and i do it and i am not going to rat them out like that. also he has known that i smoke for about ten years but he always pretends to forget. either that or he really does forget because he doesn’t think or know that much about me.

my mother told me i have to stop now. i asked her how old she was before she stopped hating her father. she said she still has bad days, and i said alright then, leave it.

the crisis is miraculously resolved. however i must share with you the joy of having to sit at the departing gate with frat boys to the left (no, you can’t take your cooler of beer on the plane) and cheerleaders to the right (CSU Cheer!!!!). there were also these five girls next to me who spent about an hour sharing their common brain cell to solve a people magazine crossword. it was fucking torturous, let me tell you!

airline chick: the flight is oversold and we are looking for volunteers to take a later flight. you will also receive a $400 travel voucher, a hotel for the night, ground transportation, and two meals.
crossword chick: does that include drinks?? if it does, we should totally take it!
crossword chick 2: what is a three-letter word for “guitar legend paul”? it starts with an “L” and ends with an “S”.
crossword chick 3: LOS paul!!
crossword chick 4: boobs?
me: *sigh*

i am not lying, i promise. i wound up taking a flight the next day, when the forecast was only partly ditzy with a 20% chance of spring breakers.

ugh.

are you serious? 300k hits?
for real? we’ve been blogging since 2002???

no…….

come on!!

see what happens when i go away?

i am really having an emotional crisis here.

i am at a total loss to understand WHY after all these years i am still so concerned with what my father thinks of me and his opinions!! my mother is the one who raised me, practically alone (with the help of a meager monthly check and not much else). i gave her hell and grew up to be sort of responsible but a little troubled, and i told her practically everything, including all of my fuck-ups. she always listened and offered advice and sometimes loaned me money even without me asking for it. now i have straightened my life out and she is there cheering me on.

my father, on the other hand, fucked up his marriage to my mother, and i didn’t blame her for leaving him. he lived in the same town for four years after they split up and then he moved out of state when i was ten. he then got re-married to someone much younger than him, and they moved back into my hometown when i was a senior in high school, almost out of the house. they lived 20 minutes away from me and he never called me, not once. one time i called him to ask if we could spend father’s day together and he wanted to know what the point was since i didn’t have a present for him. i was so upset that i hung up on him.

since i moved out of state ten years ago they have come to visit me exactly once, for a special occasion, and that was nine years ago. the only time he has ever called me is when someone is sick or dying (although the past two years he did actually call me on my birthday). she calls me back but usually about two weeks after i call them first.

my father is totally impressed that i can live where i live because it is not a cheap area. he is sort of under the impression that i make really good money too which i don’t (and which i never claimed to). my mother knows my actual salary and frets about me running up too much credit card debt (which i have).

so when it comes down to personal details of my life i have actually lied to my father and my stepmother to keep them from knowing the truth, while i usually tell the whole truth to my mother and sometimes cause her concern… i also have a problem saying to my father “you’re an asshole, why did you do this thing that hurt my feelings?” instead i just run away and cry for a day or two.

i know that part of this problem is my non-confrontational nature, where i sometimes have trouble standing up for myself. i have stood up to my mother a couple of times when i felt she was wrong or hurt my feelings, and she took it on the chin and apologized. it was still really really hard to do, but somehow it is actually impossible to do this with my father.

another part is that my father makes shit up in his head and then he believes it. and then he tells everyone around him in an effort to sully my reputation in the family. like after that father’s day thing, he told everyone that his only daughter didn’t buy him a father’s day present and that not only did i not even want to spend the day with him, but i actually hung up on him when he called.

so why? why do i care? i convince myself that our relationship is a superficial one at best, and i get okay with that. then he does or says something that makes me want more from him, and i let him draw me in, right up to the flame that burns my face off, again.

fuckin’ a.