actually she is starting to bore me. now that my drugs are starting to work.

“whatever, get up lazy ass. Put your shoes on and meet me at the pier. I hear satan is going to be there.”

i also have been meaning to post this for like two weeks now. i am dying to know if this has happened to anyone else.

a couple of weeks ago i went down on him and all of a sudden i realized that his cock was huge. if he had ordered any pumps or pills i would know about it because he would be all proud and point out that he was doing it for me. he also does not shave there and never has, so it would not be an optical illusion.

he is over 30 and i swear to you his cock just grew significantly. it was also very noticeable during sex, particularly in the female superior position… omg. it just hit places that it seems to me like it hadn’t before. also i noticed it again the times since then that we have slept together so it is not like i wasn’t wearing my glasses that day or something…

this kind of worries me that i am thinking about it for two weeks enough that i remembered to post it. i always said size didn’t matter in general. i mean there was the guy who was freakishly small that i couldn’t feel at all, and there was the one so large that i fled in terror. but in general for averagely endowed guys, i never noticed the difference between 6 and 8 inches, until now.

does this mean that i am shallow? on one hand it is a nice (!) surprise but on the other it freaks me out a little because i can’t explain it. if i love it does that mean it wasn’t good enough before? and will it give HIM a complex? and what if i don’t love it but it stays this way, or what if it happens again a year from now??

interesting fact about emmie #783: stupid things often make me a nervous wreck…

hahahahaha

boy moved hard drives around in our computers and thusly cleared all programs and crap off. including firefox and cookies and bookmarks etc. so a fresh install of IE bleh, and i pull down the address bar to see which sites he has been to so far. this one is on the list.

i hope it is not too scandalous for him to handle. he has not mentioned it in a very very long time…

denver is not going to the superbowl even though i wanted them to. roethlisberger is pretty fucking accurate i have to say. and denver just did not bring the defense at all. sigh.

also it happened again, on directv they have a “sneak peak” at the new season of something or other. i was so infuriated when i saw that!! it is just like when that chick in accounting sends me an email in smurf blue 12 point comic sans. or like the 11 messages of comment spam i just deleted (thank you wp for catching it).

don’t be mad at me either – i wasn’t deliberately keeping your comment from being posted because i disagree. actually you made several valid points that i was not aware of. but i just wasn’t logging on for several days now and that is why it is late. sorry…

omg there are a couple of blogs i read with some sort of compulsion. they are so bad! the people writing them the worst most lame and boring sort of generic confused sheep dazed by headlights. i cant help reading them!

she takes everything to the next level. and while you may think that that sounds like a good thing and maybe it is. but it is damn exhausting to be around. to try to keep up with? to compare yourself to? think about it.

imagine you discover something new something you are excited about. you tell all your friends adn for a while you get really into it. then this other person gets all into it too and you’re happy about it. but then its like they have no other life bvesides this thing. they get really good at it. know everyone else involved in it including the higher up bigwigs. meanwhile you feel all deflated and lame as all fuck.

you know?!

cars are whooshing by and i am snug with coffee in my bathrobe. i love to be in this position.i have a book next to me and my ever present laptop open on my lap. sometimes it is more fun to watch the people moving below and to wonder what they are doing.

last night was good. i blew off my girlfriends and went to see a band instead. that one chick was there. she NEVER remebers my name. nevermind that i have had her over my knee and spanked her bare ass. and once i sat in her kitchen and ate delicious homemade pesto and pasta. it’s okay because i cant remember her name either.

stumbled on some friends and went to watcha movie at their house. i love any musical where they are wearing gold lame bikinis and simulating sex while all singing a song about coming. who doesnt?

i have always wanted a red bra. i would wear it with a white wife beater and black slacks. it would be hot. but i’ve never bought myself one. i dont know why.

freedom is a heavy load, a great and strange burden for the spirit to undertake.

i canty stand watching people fall apart. people you dont know very well and so see them though the eyes of unreality anyway. you see them as a fixture rather than real i mean. but then you see they are not a fixture. there is history there and personality that you know nothing about. forces beyond them and you. people they know that you dont know. it serves to show me how seperate people are. how we cant really know the people we are close to, not really. like how that snippy comment i made last night might stay with him forever and resurface 20 years from now. how you alway make snippy comments at me. how i take care of you when you faint in the hardware store how you dont take care of me ever. things are lightening a little for me. i can see people better. and i am not so insular. but there is a hidden fear of doing it wrong. that people are not forgiving.

you know that when something bad is happening to you and everyone you know knows about it that they are not only sitting around feeling sorry for you but they are looking at each other and saying, “oh man, thank god that isnt happening to us.”

either i subconsiously and through my own behavior attract and keep people who are assholes or it’s just a coincedence. which is unlikely. god! i have tried to distance myself from her so many times. it never works.
is it just me being paranoid? she disdaines me doesnt she? uses me? fuckfuckfuck.

you know how you sometimers think of ‘moviestarme’ you know like who would play me in the movie about my fantastic/boring life? well, she picked a fat, uneducated sloppy slut to play me.

FUCK HER

also, I WANT TO QUIT MY JOB.

i want to not go to work today. now the question is… do i go in and make a show of going in? or do i not bother? i mean, its possible that i could go in and then leave and then no one would notice really that i was gone all day. fuckfuckfuck.

that it really fucking aggravates me when people write “sneak peak”. like on SHOWTIME’S website for the L word… dude, if you work at showtime can’t you afford a proofreader??? if you don’t have one would you like to hire me? because i will catch that error and a whole lot more…

and now let the mounting commence.

i saw this commercial on tv last night for some new antidepressant pill. and it is interesting, how commonplace and casual depression is now. it used to be this big nasty secret in the 50s and 60s, right? mother’s little helper and mrs. robinson and so forth? it started me thinking and i basically sat around and said all of this to boy while he politely nodded and watched tv over my shoulder.

people not taking responsibility for their own shit is really really an issue for me. my annoyance with this sue-happy culture started with that court case where mcdonald’s gave the lady coffee that was too hot. (fucking a, it is COFFEE. don’t you want it hot??)

it has only continued with the big tobacco lawsuits (is there any such thing as HEALTHY smoke??) and fast food causing obesity (or a HEALTHY hamburger??) and yet another hot coffee lawsuit against dunkin donuts (god dammit, don’t you people read the news??) …

i agree that our society is pretty much vile and full of amoral shit and that prime time tv, cartoons, the radio, and even video games are not for kids anymore… magazines give little girls self-esteem complexes and movies glamorize smoking and the tv shows too much gun violence. yes yes and yes. of course yes to all.

now here is what i wonder though:

are the magazines WHOLLY responsible for the little girls’ low self-esteem? if there were no cosmo or glamour would little sally still be bulimic and think she has to blow some frat boy to get some love?

would a kid still become a smoker later in life if all the movies were prohibited from showing the heroes and heroines as smokers? possibly because he is genetically predisposed or because he wants to give his parents the finger?

so now we have the nature vs. nurture thing…

apparently depression is a chemical imbalance that people are genetically programmed for. and cancer has a lot more to do with chromosomes than we thought. and every kid whose parents have trouble concentrating have add.

here is my main issue and i am sure that some people will have counterpoints to this which is fine. but inconsistency is another one of my buttons, and if you are going to say that certain people need treatment because they can’t control their sex addiction/alcohol addiction/violent impulses and they are therefore SICK, then just declare the whole world fucked and get it over with. like i smoke, and i am addicted to smoking, and i know that it is bad for me but i do it anyway. because i choose to. and my grandfather, he drinks, and he is addicted to drinking, and he knows that it is bad for him but he does it anyway. yet i have a nasty habit which is hated by the public at large and he has a disease and gets the sympathy and the help from his insurance company for related health problems and a second, third, ninety-eighth chance when he falls off the wagon. after all, it is a DISEASE. this may sound dense but i do not understand why compulsive gamblers and sex addicts and gang members and alcoholics and junkies have diseases and people who smoke are just rude.

just the idea of a ‘treatment’ program implies that you cannot make your own decisions at all. people with cancer, aids, cataracts, anemia, appendicitis, irritable bowel syndrome, etc. need treatment because there is something inside their bodies that they cannot influence. that is very different from choosing to have a drink or a cigarette or a big mac or another round of roulette.

also it is interesting that nobody is going after the alcohol manufacturers like they have the tobacco companies (and to a lesser degree the gun makers). having smoking declared a disease would be a smart move for philip morris maybe… it is going that way for the gun makers according to a may 2005 study by harvard published in science magazine (it said that teens witnessing gun violence are 2x more likely to do gun violence.)

so how come nobody is suing the candy companies for making diabetics go into insulin shock? could it be maybe because diabetics know that they have diabetes and they don’t eat sugar that much?? and that is a bonafide disease. why can this logic not be applied to everything that is not good for people??

i am not lobbying to get smoking declared a disease or anything like that. i think it is just a habit that i happen to enjoy. like drinking and sex and gambling and fatty food and and and. if you declare everything that is bad for people a disease and beyond our control, then we have no free will left. that means that everything our constitution is based on is crap and so much for christianity and the notion of god, too.

i have been through a few different kinds of hell. you can count me in on paternal abandonment, emotional, physical, verbal, and sexual abuse, near-poverty, divorce, alcoholism, drug abuse, rape, stalking, sexual harrassment etc. yes i have been through all of that. and i am still here. and i get up in the morning and i go to work and i come home and i have a relationship with someone i love. and i do my best not to let shit bother me and when it does i blog about it. i am not on welfare but i cannot afford therapy and that is okay with me. i will suck up and deal like i have for the past three decades.

sometimes my life sucks. i have some health problems and i will die someday. it could have all been a lot nicer up till now.

and who will pay punitive damages when i do?

for me to go over there and mount him.

just as soon as i get it all out i most definitely will do that…

i am so happy. my favorite shows are coming back this week and next. hooray!!

i want a program that will write a personality profile based on my tivo season passes. here they are, in random order:

• 24
• the L word
• commander-in-chief
• er
• american idol (shut up, it’s funny)
• the apprentice (i know the season is over)
• south park
• the daily show
• saturday night live
• weeds (where did it go??)
• law & order: special victims unit
• boston legal
• desperate housewives
• the e! true hollywood story
• project runway

so what does that say about me i wonder?

ps: i am not a reality show junkie; i boycotted it after i realized that the real world wasn’t real at all (i think it was the seattle season). i picked up the apprentice and american idol so that i can participate in conversations on smoke breaks at work. project runway i started watching one saturday because i was dying to see the designs that a nobody who thinks he is somebody (hello austin) comes up with. the queenish melodrama is priceless on that show!!

how come nobody ever insisted that i listen to tmbg? i finally did and holy shit i love them. their songs are like blog posts, like the things i dream about. trivial stuff that nobody notices but me.

an entire song devoted to the glory of BANGS. yay!

jon stewart is hosting this year!!

i love that man.

i fucking LOVE football.

clearly it is not in the gutter at all. i doubt i have ever had so many comments posted to one entry so fast!

this must mean that either
a) everyone wants to talk about getting a good computer deal, or
b) the comment ‘boys are stupid’ is controversial

i will go back to my knitting now. wait, i can’t knit. or cook. hrm.

pretty much i write, fuck, and smoke. if i were a useless consumer product i would be a swiss army pen which includes a cunt attachment and a portable chimney.

ps: see wedding crashers. the ’shout’ montage is SO worth it.

bad thoughts: lost but not forgotten.