that i am still hugely bitter about that break up. sorta.

i am bitter about the break up but not the loss of the boy.

i had a boyfriend break up with me right after new years.

for new years eve we had gone out to this big party and gotten a hotel room. he was shitty to me in the hotel room before we left for the party. and then while we were there he was a lump. but that was usual.
we got really drunk and fucked when we got back to the room.

3 days later he broke up with me and moved out.

i felt really gross about that drunken sex we had had a few days before. like, if he was going to break up with me why did he fuck me? that’s mean and nasty. it made me feel like a whore in a bad way.

it just made me feel horrible. betrayed. used. and worthless.

think about all the little things that you “put up with” in your spouse. there are lots of things i bet.
will they one day make you fall out of love? will you one day 15 years from now look up across the breakfast table (do people have those anymore ?) and realize you are staring at a stranger?
how do you keep connected with the people you love?

if you diont have connections with people besides your spouse how can you keep that one connection over time? having only one connection is not healthy. thus my easrlier point about support network.

now doesnt that make sense? hey you boys out there? doesn’t it?

thinking about the other things that keep us going.

our egos.
cluelessness.

what else?

i can not emphasize enough just how important having a network of friends and family is. it is so easyt to lose perspective. and sometimes you dont even know you’ve lost it.

i’ve noticed that men tend to be more isolated. less able to have good support friendships.

do you agree?

man. it must SUCK royally to be the fat ugly snaggle toothed sister.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2005520728,00.html

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2005520728,00.html

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2005520728,00.html

we had a link on the sidebar not but a year ago. i cant remember what the site was called. but it seemed to be all about this guy and how his wife wasnt fucking him enough.

everyoonce in a whle i randomly think of this guys blog and how fucking stupid and retard he must be.

his posts would be like whiney and like “oh why does my wife not come home from work, see me sitting in the arm chair and then instantly do a strip tease and then tell me i am a slut and suck my cock for 3 hours”

hahaha. DUMBASS!

i can think of like 400 reasons why that never happens. and another 400 reasons why that dumb bitch should divorce him instantly.

but first the three most important and crucial questions for him:

1. how often do you wash your undercarriage?
2. how often do you clean the house, go grocery shopping etc?
and 3. how often do you wash your undercarriage?

one mans journey to marry a whore.

i mean. i could go into details aobut this in referance to my own life. like how having sex with a sweaty dirty partner is bad for women. it causes infections. and how if there are a million chores to be done sex just becomes one of them.

my advice to that man would be. hire a maid, get your wife a massage and milk and honey bath, get on your hands a knees witha toothbrush and scrub the base boards (this is her after work fantasy mind you) and then eat her out for 3 hours.

i first moved in with a man when i was 19. he was 34. it was pretty great. he was all kind of things but most of all, adnd this is important when you are 19, he was fun. he was up for anything and had experience and i loved it. also, he knew people in this big bad city and i didn’t. we roamed the citys nooks and corners, drank in dive bars, `smoked dope in a strangers living rooms, had threesomes with pretty girls and were mostly disorderly and bad bad bad.

maybe its karma or something.

one of the things about this fist man i lived with was that he never bought soap, shampoo or conditioner. he would just use mine. and i was poor. and even tho i was poor i still liked ot buy the nice salon kinds of shampoo and conditioner. i needed my mohawk to be silkuy and smooth for fucks sake. it was a mystery to me tho. what did he wash himseflf with before i came along?

to make a short story long… i just let my shampoo and conditioner run out and never brought anymore into the house again. yeah, it was passive agressive of me. but so fucking what? i could wash my hair at the gym.

but so it goes. everyman i have lived with since has done the same thing. why oh why can they not go buy their own fucking shampoo and conditioner.

this one i live with now… when my super fancy expensive stuff starts getting low he will gaze around the bathroom and heave a long heavy sigh. “whatever shall we do?” he wonders aloud.

and then i start screaming in my head.

i put on these formerly baggy pants yesterday… they were fresh out of the dryer so i thought the tightness was okay.

this is day 2. and they are still tight.

and if anyone says, “oh you just got married. everyone gains some weight”.

i will kill you.

so i went off and got married recently. and that’s, of course, why i am starting to get all het up[ about babies and shit.

people are all up in your business when you get married and i can see that that is even more true when you have a baby. SO MANY people i know are having these things.

so far i have liked all my friends babies quite a bit.

but the things is… my mom gave me a big leacture about how i should be a stay at home mom. last night. for no reason. she just started in onme. and then she rail;ed on everyone else we know who ever once had someone else watch their child for one second.

I WAS A STAY AT HOME MOM. she frothed at me.and i loved every second of it. except for the tediousness boringness of it all.

well whatever!

what i dont get is why everyone insists it has to be done one way.
is it not perfectly clear that everyone makes choices on baby rearing and everything fucking else based on their own circumstances and preferences?

ellie, married. hahahahahaha. it’s funny, no?

DO NOT get mad at me when i am mad at you for being shitty.

do you SEE how that does not make sense?

ewll, in a way it does make sense. here is the senario:

you say or do something univeraly recognized as shitty.
i call you out on it and get mad
no one likes to be shitty and so you have a twinge of guilt that you turn into being mad. its like yelling at the messanger.

now that i have worked all that out for you in plain english you can stop doing it now.

thanks fuck-o

and chocolate bars and new pairs of jeans before i get serious about a diet? damn. i seriosuly can not fit into my smallest jeans and now i cant fit into my favorite jeans. i think i’ve gained at least 20 pounds. holy fuck. that is so not okay.

but i’m hungry all the time and depressed.

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i do actaully plan on having a kid someday. in the next couple of years.

what scares me th emost is that like, i fucking hate paying attention to other people. it drains me.

my own mother was the same way. and well i guess i turned out sort of okay. i guess i can stop worrying about that then.

also, i have to say that i just hate and am seriously annoyed by the amount of blogs out there about women who are desperate to haver kids. WTF? why do they have to be baby factories? i have no clue. but like the sheer number of infertile women who spend so much spiritual pain and tear apart themselves and their families because of this. i just DO.NOT.GET.IT. so you find out you cant have a kid. adopt or something. which i know can be super hard. but FUCK. BE a fucking foster parent. that is NOT HARD. any fucko off the street can be one. how about you shut your fucking traps and do some fucking good. you have so much love in you that you need to share it? help a fucking foster kid who is having a fucking shitty ass life. fuck. no really. fuck you you selfish stupid hobags. what? a foster kid isnt a cuddly baby of your own genetic crappy material? well fuck off then. i hope you fall off a cliff and take your whiney husband with you.

i just really fucking hate it when someone makes a snap desicion or a sweeping descion.

or like, if something didn’t work for them in the past it will never work for them or anyone ever.

do you know how fucking irriting that is? it makes me so mad. how can i fight such an attitude. how can i keep my own individulaity in the face of such an attitude?

are hairdresser and aerobics instructors and the like naturally loud and talkative? or does one become loud and talkative out of boredom if one is an aerobics instructor or hair dresser?

sometimes i write down all my bad thoughts into an open unaddressed email.

then i delete it.

what if i sent them to myself? what if i sent them to the person they were about. what if i posted them here?

then you guys could berat and beat me up even more than i already do for myself.

wouldn’t that be great?

but i stopped even considering inviting her over once i realized that she would rather die than have to use my bathroom.

i know i tend ot be messier than most. and i know she tends to be pickier than most.

but please.

so let’s just call this whole thing off.

my secret theory is that human evolution was not quick enough to keep up with our technological discoveries.

lets get back to basics and start dying of childbirth and churning butter and tending goats..