i recently had insomnia and occasion to watch the stupid infomercial for sheercover with leeza gibbons and melissa gilbert. the big selling point is the coverage, supposedly this stuff gives you an “airbrushed” finish. covers rosacea and acne and big birthmarks and scars etc. etc. so i am intrigued but mildly embarrassed to order something from celebrity hawkers.

i thought i remembered reading in jane magazine a while back about some great mineral makeup company and googled it. found bare escentuals which does bareminerals makeup line. cheaper than sheercover although their infomercial was WORSE… i have rosacea and acne and big birthmarks and scars but mostly i just want the airbrushed finish. this stuff makes all the same claims for less cabbage so i bought it. then i realized that it is sold at sephora without the “club” commitment where they keep your credit card and re-order it for you automatically every few months. fuck.

has anyone used this “mineral” makeup and does it do what it says it does?

there is a guy i know who wrote a book. he published it himself (subsidy publishing) and it is now listed through amazon and bn and all the subsellers that buy from them. at first i was seriously jealous but then i actually read it and i understood why he published it himself.

it is not shakespeare, to quote a good friend of his from whom i borrowed it. he changed his real last name just enough to sound like a fake name, and his photo on the back is all GQ and serious. and the photo credit is to another friend who owns a bar and is a party animal and whom i did not know even knew how to work a camera… the credit uses his real name which i never heard before since everyone calls him cue ball or something like that. it is a very dignified sounding name. there is a lot of very choppy writing in the book and its plot is mildly interesting but has been done before by much greater people.

i obsessed over it for a few days, searching his nome de plume online and actually finding several writing group sites where he’d won some minor awards (hence the “award-winning” claim on the jacket). i also found an “interview” in a zine online which i think must have been done by calling a toll-free number because it sounds so very generic.

machine: please describe your inspiration for this book. BEEP.
author guy: blah blah blah growing up my mom blah blah and so on blah blah….
machine: what do you hope to accomplish in your career? BEEP.
author guy: well, ideally i hope that blah blah blah…

etc.

for a while i felt very smug that he was so clearly self-important and thought he had this great talent. i have more than him, at least where writing is concerned. but after a while i started thinking, why should i put him down? he has not only written something but PUBLISHED it. unlike me, who hides behind an *anonymous* blog and is too scared to put anything out there for actual criticism. when people comment negatively here i almost break out in hives for god’s sake…

so i applaud him, because even though it’s not the best there is, at least IT IS.

etc.

there is only one man that i have ever had a completely asexual friendship with. one. EVER.

all of the others at various times make sexist comments or flirt with me or tease me about my ass or something. many of them have taken it much too far and even strayed into the sexual harrassment arena. but not this one guy.

he is like a male version of me, where he needs for the conditions to be just so before he can have sex. i know this only because his girlfriend told me. the subject of sex has never, EVER come up between me and him and i have known him for like ten years.

for a while this was very comfortable and a refreshing change from high school testosterone crap which seems to persist even into middle age with most guys. we were super best friends for a few years. then after a while it started to get creepy. now it is just one of those weird things that makes him an odd person who i truly connected with for a while but from whom i seem to have drifted apart.

on the other hand there is a husband of a relative of mine who gropes me at every chance and says dumb things to me when i answer her phone, like “hey sexy”. he still has a coke habit i am fairly sure. to offset the coke he drinks and takes tranqs and painkillers. she has a million kids and a college degree that she never used for anything because he makes a cubic assload of money despite the fact that he is a hundred kinds of lawsuits waiting to happen. also he is just plain embarrassing.

the one i wish i had back and the other i wish would literally vanish in a puff of smoke. except that then she would be a single mom without his paycheck…

see? it’s always the kids that suffer.

is there somewhere i can go to learn how to be normal?

there is this weird vicious normal cycle where i believe i am normal. then i start thinking about things i have seen and done and people i have known and what i have dealt with in my life. that makes me think i should be abnormal, but i am fairly well adjusted (most of the time). so in effect by being normal, i am ABnormal because someone with my history should NORMALLY be pretty well fucked up. and if i’m not i must clearly be repressing things really hardcore and therapy is naturally the answer. i am not kidding when i tell you that i once went to a therapist to see if it was okay that i like rough, degrading sex.

she sort of looked at me over her glasses and was like, so you want reassurance that it is okay to be turned on by something that is not completely vanilla?

at which point i felt really idiotic and excused myself to roll up my car windows and never came back.

me: suppose you were at a store buying stuff.
him: ‘kay.
me: and while you were checking out you noticed the total was a little low.
him: mmm-hmmm.
me: and you asked the girl to make sure she got everything, and she checked again and said yes.
him: …
me: but then when you got to the car you realized she didn’t charge you for one thing, the most expensive thing, the thing you have been wanting for like five years.
him: how much are we talking about?
me: $35.
him: ooh.
me: so would you be a bad person if you kept it and didn’t go back?
him: ….. yes. any righteous person would feel guilty.
me: well i do feel guilty.
him: yes, but you didn’t go back.
me: so i guess that makes me a bad person.
him: yep.
me (hurt): so i guess you have to divorce me now.
him: okay. take the car and go.
me: hey! how come i get the car and you get the house?
him: i will need the house if i will be raising the kids alone!
me: well how come i don’t get the kids?
him: because you are a bad person and should not be allowed to raise children.
me: oh. right.

(later that night)
him: what was it?
me: what was what?
him: the $35 thing you stole today, you thief.
me: it was a cd.
him: for $35??
me: it was a double cd, a classic.
him: that cd is 25 years old! there is no way it cost $35.
me: that’s how much it sells for at every record store i know of.
him: well then THEY are the thieves, and you did nothing wrong.
me: can i have the kids back now?

thank you to all of you who have earnestly looked for stroopwaffels for me. i fully intend to go find some and have them shipped.

i would love to get stroopwaffels in the mail from some of you but you understand i just can’t part with my anonymity

my hackles have been going up waaaaaaaaay too easily lately. boy tries to understand but it is just beyond him. he does not have to worry about being alone in an elevator with a strange man ever.

things that bother me do not even register with him many times. and although i love him to death it sort of drives me batty. strange noises in the house bother me. also windows which are not covered at night and wrong number kind of phone calls. i get scared if i see a cop but not because i am breaking the law. parking garages? hells no. even parking lots at night is pushing it. i want to walk so i can get in some cardio but i am afraid of walking alone at night in my neighborhood, which has one of the highest home values in the area. news of plane crashes freaks me out and i lay awake at night staring at the ceiling and imagining what would happen if my mother went into the hospital and didn’t come out. i am too neurotic to watch scary movies anymore, even bad ones. i would love to play one of those online reality games but i think it would probably result in my tragic death somehow. sometimes when i am driving and someone is tailgating me i have a panic attack.

i am not scared that he will ever leave me though. somehow that which is statistically much more likely than all these other things put together never crosses my mind.

we were in the pool and he came out to talk to us. while he was standing there, he took off his socks. like to stick his feet in the water or something.

but no.

instead he blew his nose in the socks.

this is seriously the single most disgusting thing i have ever seen any person do.

i have been neglecting you and i am so sorry. i think about you a lot, really i do… i wonder how you are, if you are feeling happy or bored or if you miss me.

i promise (again) to do better.