i was thinking the other day about what a lame bisexual i have become. i am domesticated now. it is surely still fodder for dirty talk and the stuff of unexpectedly pleasurable dreams; i have no balls left to actually give myself permission, much less do it.

boy is very sweet in his reasoning. like my bi-monthly pedicures, if it is something small that makes me happy he is totally fine with it. he in fact thinks it would be cool to find a woman who would do nothing but pleasure me. this is all very nice.

boy and i have been together for some time now and it is great, i adore being a twosome (some days more than others). but i am completely paranoid that such an experience, while it looks good online, would be a real-life disaster. this is supported by how jealous i get when i find an old picture of him with some girl, a girlfriend, a friend, anyone but me. i admit to being jealous, more so than he has ever been, and it amuses him.

i am terrified, however, that we would do one thing that seemed harmless, even fun, which would actually change our relationship forever. i do not want that line of demarcation at all… we sort of already had one; it has blurred and faded after a lot of work on both our parts, but at first it nearly killed us.

i feel lame and stupid for being so girly and obsessive and wussy and stuff. but in my experience as i have said before, most sexual fantasies are not nearly as good in real life and should stay up in your head, where they have the best lighting and dialogue and location and actors and you can watch them over and over anytime you want.

while i was in ireland and germany and italy and england i do not think i found any food i am so obsessed with as stroopwaffels…

so far i cannot find the coveted stroopwaffel cookies (thanks muchly to ashbloem for telling me what they are called).

i checked at the organic market by me where someone at work said i might find them. they had ones with chocolate and white amaretto chocolate and mint chocolate inside but no caramel. the girl at customer service thought i was asking for some type of cheese, wrote the name down wrong, and promised to call me but hasn’t.

i did find one dutch place selling them that ships here, one place in canada that does, and a bunch of people’s recipes for them. that dutch place sells them chocolate-covered, which i am tempted to try…

strooopy. yum.

i found almost a whole pack of cigarettes lodged behind my printer, between the cables. it actually has a nice sheen of dust on it. i just ran out of cigarettes…

note to hemp product manufacturers, part II: unless you absotively master the art of making soft hempy things DO NOT even attempt to make hemp tampons.

get those little cookies from holland, the sandwich ones with the caramel filling. FUCK they are good. i demolished two boxes of them by myself in three days in may. the big ones, not the bite-sized ones, either.

note to hemp product manufacturers: please make more soft hempy things. hemp is so fucking cool but it should always always be soft unless it is a hemp backscratcher or dish scrubber or something of that nature.

don’t worry, ellie. i totally relate to you.

i hate bob geldof probably way more than i should, only slightly less than i abhor neil young.

it is weird when you find out that someone you thought you knew pretty well is a pinup model on the sly. or that someone in your family was molested as a child by someone else in your family, and it turns out that is why we don’t have christmas dinner together anymore.

blogathon is up on august 6… should i even bother trying? can i stay up that late? what will i write about? is it cheating if we tag-team it?

hrm.

ellie is way better about categorizing her posts than i am. i should probably tell her don’t bother because it turns out that the archive by author ruins the continuity when we play off each other’s posts…

what a great fucking movie, btw. heathers for the 21st century.

i have to say that one of the things that bugs me to hell and back is the online cliques/groups/rings etc. i mean webrings and blogrolls are a little different because you don’t actually have to know the other members. but stuff like alumni sites, where those people from high school that you deliberately MOVED AWAY FROM suddenly want you to be in their little “people i hang out with” group after you haven’t talked to them in like eight years – that freaking rots. i have a very very close friend who tried once to explain the friendster concept to me and i just kept saying “but… WHY?” she gave up after awhile. i joined friendster anyway and never went back because the answer to my question wasn’t in the FAQ. i think there was also some secret site that you had to have a friend tell you about (no googling) and which also had a password (which your friend would give you unless she is a mean bitch). and you registered and were somehow this little ansii bug on a big grid trying to successfully reproduce and have larvae and not get bug syphilis. but somehow other members became your spawn, so there was that annoying junior high element of “that’s my mommy and daddy” by someone who is the same age (or older even) and so forth. and after awhile all my bugs got syph and died anyway…

p.s.: thanks for the invite, but i don’t sms… and anyway i have no idea who you are, exactly. if you want to tell me do it the usual way, with e-mail or something.

crap. i just realized that no one relates to me and that i relate to barely anyone as well. what does this mean. i am just not-socialpath enough for it to bother me. maybe i should go over the edge?

there is a predictable crush thing on pretty boys like brad pitt and david beckham etc. that i try so unbelievably hard to resist but in the end i just can’t, sort of like hearing that new song that you want to hate because it is by the backstreet boys and you should hate it on principle, but the more times you flip past it and hear other people humming it, it drives you mad and one day you just listen to it all the way through to get it out of your head and to confirm that it is utterly irritating but you end up liking it instead and being ashamed to admit it you keep your windows rolled up and sing quietly on your way to work so the guy at the light next to you will not know that you are really just like all the other sheep.

however. i think everyone also secretly has a crush on someone who is totally atypical. i am woman enough to admit that i worship jon stewart and pauly shore. and i would totally fuck dennis leary…

ahem. i’m back!

i’ve noticced that a lot of blogs that have a lot of followers and comments. sometimes this makes me feel shitty like my blog sucks because no one ever comments. but then, if you read the million comments in other peoples blogs you can clearly tell that the commenters are fucking stupid fucks.

like women who problably have sweaters decorated with puffy paint reindeers and shit. they suck.

ha! i named the previous post friend TV. heee. suddenly that struck me as hilarious. using your friends as this landscape for entertainment. it’s true! we all do it! gossip and concider and speculate and interfer.

sometimes it is massivly painful tho. in fact, it just occured to me to actually become worried about one of my friends.she’s stopped calling very often. and last time we talked she cried a few times and made some mention of a time in her life when she tried to kill herself and how she was having some of the same unfocused anger issues. duh. now that i write that down it is super clear i should be worried about her.

i can empathize about the anger thing. sometimes it boils up into the his helpless tidal wave. you cant stop it. it is crashing down on you And the only way to deal is to like hit the wall or cut yourself. i was very big into cutting when i was a teenager. it was the only way to let off the tension. i didnt cut very deep or even that often. i just cant look back on it and even think it was bad bevior. hell, i could have decided to do heroine or something super bad. but instead i got a bunch of nice sterile scalpels at the local medical supply store and went to town on my chest and arms.

i’ved always managed to be a moderate in my extrememism. just a little bit of drugs, or cutting or girl fucking. very moderate.

otherwise i am perfectly normal.

heh.

oh wait. back to my friend. the thing is. i just am not sure what to do for her. i live far enough away that i cant just stop by her house. because sometimes that really helps. someone stops by and has a drink with you and you laugh about whatever and then your spouse comes home and he doesnt seem quite so irritating and you dont have to go in the bathroom and smash up the mirror. but i cant stop by. alli can do is call lamely. and i dont know what to say. she’s volatile.

it’s funny when you can immedietly recognize a type or a situation or whatever. i have this friend who started dating a guy and she told me about him briefly. mainly that he was nice but drank too much beer. so i met him this weekend.nhe was too old for her and i could see immedietly how it would go down. she was already irritable with him. a good natured irritable. like he was trying WAY too hard and she was just like, *shrug* whatever.” she’s smart. she wasn’t going to expend too much mental energy on him. i think she tried to break up with him and he was like no no we can work it out. i did ask if she had rebroken up with him and done this “lets be friends” thing. because honestly, sometimes you just want to be friends. but i can see that if they are “just friends” things will go badly soon. he will offer to do little things for her. and she will accept these little things.”oh i can totally fix that lamp for you it will only take a second” and why would she think to refuse. he is a nice guy and he has the knowledge of wires and shit that she doesnt have. so he will fix the lamp. but later he will think that because he is so nice and has done stuff for her that she should like him and want to date him. and she will just not even really understnad what the deal is. so a friend did her a few favors. big deal. she does shit for her friends all the time.