all i wanted for christmas was my libido back, but i didn’t get that. in fact my stocking was filled to overflowing with bad news and suck news. cripes.

i miss fucking. i miss being horny. but i am just not very often anymore. i do not want to be the long-term relationship cliche where the longer you are with someone the less passion there is. that sucks ass.

sometimes i think that if i would just relax a little and stop pressuring myself to suddenly get horny then i would of course get horny after a couple of days because it is normal to do so. but then it doesn’t happen, and i keep waiting. and in the meantime i am freaking out that boy is freaking out on me. and he is very nice and does not pressure me until it has been like a week. and then he tries to be all playful and flattering and it is so sweet but it just BUGS me instead of making me horny! and then i feel so bitter and annoyed that he is pressuring me. and then i realize it is not his fault, it must be mine somehow, and that makes me even more irritable. i try so hard not to be irritated but if i suppress it then i get downright angry.

it’s like i can’t relax and let myself be seduced. but for some reason i don’t feel like seducing boy. consequently nobody is seduced and i feel put upon and he feels rejected. and the cycle continues.

i am afraid to take one of those herbal supplements although i have certainly considered it. i also wonder if improving my self-esteem would help – i am not fat but i could stand to lose a few. when i was a size 6 i was a raging hornball – of course that was in college which might also explain the hormones… i could get a treadclimber which i inexplicably am convinced is the miracle cure-all (their commercials are very persuasive) – but i can’t really afford one. possibly i should go back on an MAOI? plan A, better living through pharmaceuticals, hooray.

am still fuming about stupid conversation with dad. why does it bother me so much?? he lives so far away it does not even matter probably…

i did manage to find and perfect an awesome enchilada recipe though.

there is this person who used to be my best friend who does not understand that ever since she went corporate she is different enough that it is hard for us to get along. i am little drone bee and she was hive queen for a while. and she told me all about how to become hive queen (she just KNEW i could do it, if only i would believe in myself!). which is nice but also sort of condescending. and i started to miss the days when we would pick random indie films off the shelf and analyze them till the wee hours while smoking cloves. and every time she called me it would go “hey, how are you doing? good! let me tell you about this thing at work…” and i would tune out completely.

she got married to a high-maintenance guy who was nice but not like us (er, ME, since she changed too). the guy convinced her to move to the midwest, which she did with little or no warning. she quit her job and didn’t try to find another one where they were moving to. they lived with his parents. his career took off like a rocket because of all the contacts he had in his old stomping ground, and hers fizzled. they separated and got divorced.

she will not leave the midwest although she has no support there. i have implored her to come home and she refuses. meanwhile she is jetting around from city to city having meetings with venture capitalists and trying to launch her own business. which is cool and all. and trying to get me to be a partner. which is nice of her to think of me. but i have so much else going on that i can’t talk about, even HERE, and she just doesn’t understand. she keeps making commitments to her other partners on my behalf and then begging me to come to some meeting or send her some mock-up or something. she thinks my reluctance is a symptom of my low self-esteem. when in actuality it is that i DO NOT LIKE TO WORK WITH FRIENDS, EVER. she knows this (a couple of years ago she offered me a job when she still lived here). now that i have caller ID i literally dodge her phone calls… it makes me so sad.

i know i am not the only one of our circle of friends that she is actively pursuing like this. and the others that i know (there are three i think) also feel harrassed and helpless.

i do not want this to blow up in my face or anything…

so begin reminding myself of all the failures of this long long year. how can i fuck up next year? i must have some resolutions. one of them will be to remove myself EVEN MORE from situations that i do not like. i am an adult (my new mantra) and do not have to do anything i dont want to do. i can easily extract myself from situations that make me so flaming pissed off i want to stomp on bees until they are all dead. dead i say!!!
you know. i think i have a lot of pent up anger to deal with. i have no idea how tho. maybe stomping on bees will help. let the innocents DIE!

huh. something’s up with me. i have had the most socially awkward holiday season ever. i have no idea what’s wrong with me. i have nothing to say to anyone. when people are talking i jump in with something about myself thusly killing the conversation. i can’t seem to help myself. it’s horrible! i loathe everyone! next year i will make more of a point to get drunk and use alcohol as a crutch. sheesh.

Yesterday at the grocery store I was coughed on approximately four times. The lady ahead of me actually sneezed, open-mouthed, all over the snap peas, ruining my idea of a snap pea Christmas. I bought some crisp, prepackaged cucumbers instead.

Today everyone is off work and school so we’re cleaning the house: laundry, dishes, bathroom, dusting. It’s the best present a clean freak like myself could ask for.

Merry Christmas, guys.

i really do love the last scenes of grease.

danny has secretly spent all year lettering in track and he self consiously sports his lettterman jacket. at the same time Sandy has tarted herself up in to a bad ass momma. the letterman jacket gets removed and trampled and the bad kids rule the school as they should.

i could begin my rant about sports teams in schools here. they are bad and suck. they claim to promote teamspirit and the spirit of competition and other positive things. but i don’t particlularly see it that way. schools should be acedemic only and maybe also provide physical education. non competitive sports.

i feel strongly about this but do not have tiome to present a cogent argument right now. maybe later.

same-sex marriage should not be an issue for politicians/legislation/congress/constitution etc. this is freaking bullshit.

several quick thoughts on it:

it was a distraction at the election from the REAL issues.

my neighbors are still gay whether or not one of them gets the house if the other dies – it is a piece of paper, what is the big fucking deal??

heterosexual marriage has not been “sacred” in this country for decades – it is okay for straights to hop from marriage to marriage, often leaving children in their wake? it is kosher for them to get married on a fucking reality show? drive-thru weddings while drunk in vegas are fine? also, men have ALWAYS cheated on their wives, with society’s blessing. how is that fucking sacred??

homosexuality has never been the problem – the problem is PROMISCUITY. physical diseases and moral decay aren’t limited to one sexual orientation. straight people who sleep with half their graduating class also get things like HIV and HPV and herpes, etc.

the constitution of this country should NEVER be amended to add things that a specific group of citizens cannot do; it should only be amended to add freedoms for americans. even abortion isn’t in the freaking constitution.

everyone i have ever heard speak against gay marriage opposes it based on THEIR RELIGIOUS BELIEF that homosexuality is wrong. which clearly makes it a church/state issue, no? and therefore bullshit.

now, let me please just point this article out. a) these straights are clearly having their civil rights trampled, b) some straights in such a situation might learn to empathize with gays who want to get married, c) but the vast majority of them will probably BLAME the gay population for “making a fuss” about what they want in the first place, and d) politicians/the government should fucking be held accountable for attempting to incite some type of social backlash against gays.

this weekend i got into a nice two-hour debate with my dad the other day wherein he informed me that homosexuality is a mental illness. he asked what i would do if i were in a bar and a big bull dyke came over and started hitting on me. i said i would do the same thing if a big straight guy hit on me (or a really femme bisexual) – take my drink and move elsewhere, because i am already seeing someone. he apparently had forgotten that time in college that i wanted to bring home my gay roommate for dinner, and he refused to allow her inside the fence, let alone the house, because she slept with women. he tried to tell me that homosexuality and medical problems go hand-in-hand, just like with inbreeding – i pointed out that gays don’t have biological children together, so the chromosomes of their kids are no more at risk than those of straight parents’ kids.

my mom sat quietly through our debate and picked at her food. i know she feels more like him than i do, but she also feels more like me than he does. she hates it when we fight.

all i know is that i am more depressed than ever right now about where i come from. i thought they kept people like him in museums so we could poke them with sticks and stuff, i never imagined that i actually KNOW someone who spouts jerry falwell crapola!

i sort of wanted to come out to him just to be spiteful. and to point out that i have probably made more girls come than he has. but i thought better of it, since we were in a restaurant at almost christmas and everything.

too many people do not understand that while i do love lots of the things about my home state, just because i am from there does not automatically make me an intolerant, ignorant, racist redneck. THAT pisses me off.

Emmie’s last post reminded me just how frustrating it can be to shop online. Luckily I’ve become pretty adept at clicking ass. Let’s go!

7. TV Wear. I just discovered this site last week so I haven’t ordered anything yet. However, the possibility of looking as hot as Lorelai or as cute as Veronica fills me with delight. I will totally utilize this place as soon as I get some Christmas money.

6. ShopBop. Super trendy, super expensive. They sell L.A.M.B. and Marc Jacobs and a slew of other pretty things. This is where you shell out for one really hot skirt and buy the rest of your stuff at Old Navy for the next 6 months.

5. Swatch. Everyone needs a watch! Last year I bought my brother a James Bond watch from this site and he loved it. Recommended!

4. Yahoo Shopping. Still hungover from last night and feeling braindead? They have lists and suggestions and most of their sites are bland and motherly. Perfectly soothing for your pounding brain.

3. Zappos. Ok, this is the mecca for good deals on cool shoes. I have ordered probably 20 pairs from here in the past year. The good news is I’ve only sent back maybe five, and the better news is their returns are really easy- you just print out a return label. Once I even scuffed up the bottoms of a pair I wasn’t sure about by walking around the house in them and they still took them back. Zappos is the place to buy YOURSELF a present.

2. Sephora. Gift sets are for co-workers, man. If you want to impress a hot girl, get her some nice perfume. Chanel N5, Prada Prada, and Clean are each winners. You also can’t go wrong getting your girl a gift certificate. But dude, not a crappy $25.00 one because that’s how much a decent blush or lip gloss costs. Get her at least a $75.00.

1. Amazon. The penultimate palace for clicky clicky free shippy. They sell everything of course, but I particularly love that they sell Dover Thrift Editions. I’ve been picking up a bunch of the classics for a buck or two, and now you can too. Nothing gets you more blowjobs/eaten out than a stack of Joyce and Emerson.

Ok, now a some sites to avoid because they’ve fucked me over
somehow:

4. Ebags. Ugly shit. Don’t be fooled by their prices.

3. Urban Outfitters. omg, their site is a mess. They never have
free shipping AND you have to pay to return things.

2. Nordstrom. Shitty, bitchy service when I had to return a skirt.
Also, their site is suppppper slow. WTF? this isn’t 1999, hire some
tech people. You can afford it!

1. Target. I know, I know! it’s SUPPOSED to be the house of
awesome. Howevs, you can’t tell just how cheap something is going
to look online..you actually have to go to their store to find that
out.

how much i love skechers shoes but their customer service SUCKS ASS. their ordering system is all hypersensitive about the stupid billing address and will cancel any order when the town is not exactly right (my zip code returns about five different town names depending on what system you use). also. i returned two AWESOME pairs of boots for a different size using their little return label crap. two weeks go by and i hear nothing, then i get an email saying the item i want is “unavailable for exchange”?! wtf does THAT mean? they refunded it and now i have no boots. then i go to their site to order some more, in the RIGHT size, and they changed their site all around and there is a much smaller selection now. grr.

also, what is the protocol when someone you cannot stand and have butted heads with professionally on a regular basis for over one year gets you a cute little christmas tree in a pot with snowflakes and snowman decorations?? i hate her but i like the gift. but now i feel sort of obligated to buy her something? but i can’t do that because i can barely afford to get my kid sister something you know? she is so not a priority but i don’t know how to handle it…

am i the only one that gets all choked up listening to christmas music? i can’t decide if it is that christmas means so much to me that i get emotional or if it depresses me so much that i have to cry. i should go back to my shrink possibly…

yeah. i mean. i know my boyfriend likes tiny skinny women. (which i am not) he also likes super together professional womean. (which i also am not). but fortunatly he also loves me so it’s not like i give a shit if he looks at other women. he can go ahead. just not like all the time in front of me.. that might start to make me feel bad and probably would mean he was either a jerk or that something was wrong with the relationship.

i am not having this problem however. and for that i am happy.

but that entry i read on anotrher womans blog was really what i was talking about. i think she should have gone ahead and dated the guy at the strip club. if he wanted to be dating a stripper he probably could just date one of them. yet he wanted to date her so.. whatever. who cares.

so the new big thing seems to be pole dancing. someone the other day was all like, yeah i am having a brass pole installed in my apartment. and i burst out laughing. and after i wiped the tears from my eyes i looked up and realized that everyone was staring at me and not laughing… wtf? pole dancing? i mean, yeah its a form of dancing that takes some skill and it can be fun to watch and fun to do i guess. and if your a dancer and into that shit then fine.

i just thought it was silly and pretencious somehow.

have a pole installed in your house for fucks sake? woo hoo! lets have a pole dancing party!!!

whatever, i clearly am not cool and with it because i think it is retarded. and i tend to absolutely loathe people who require that kind of attention.

some blog i was reading the other day… posed the question of whether one ought to date a man who works in a strip club as a bartender. the problem being that he gets to look at stripper cliber tits and ass all day and may be less than satisfied with your possibley less than stripper caliber body.

i dont know. are guys really playing that constant comparison game? do they look at hotter, skinnier, fluffier haired mercedes driving women and wish their own was more like that?

i dont do that with other guys and my boyfriend. if he gains a few pounds or whatever i notice.. but it doesnt make me start staring after skinnier men…

now i often compare myself to other women. i think this is some horrible torture women submit themselves to.

when i have a really intense orgasm i often get a cramp in my lower leg… anyone else have that problem?

but then this morning on the gym television there was some gnarly show about this guy whose wife died. and yeah, that’s really sad and sucks for all. but it seemed rather sickening to me that they were all congratulating him on being able to pick out his sons clothes suceessfully in the morning, feed both of them AND have a job all at the same time. hmmm, how does it feel? is it hard? i mean, it’s not everyday that a man has to play all those roles all by himself like that right?

how is it that his wife used to do ALL the cooking and dress the kid properly and become a fucking astronaunt before she died. didn’t she have any help? how is it that the dad only knew how to cook hotdogs?

why do women always get custody of kids?

I took my science final today. Classes are over. So, let’s see what’ve I learned this semester…

7. I know I’m somewhere in the middle of the line of girls who want to fuck the living shit out of Jon Stewart (remember when he had brownish black hair? I do!) but I seem to be the only one asking the hard quesiton: why aren’t we being utilized? C’mon Jon, you have an army of about 1.2 million hot, liberal college girls at your disposal. What do you want done? We’ll do it!

6. Judy Blume, still an awesomely talented milf. She’s the first ever young adult author to receieve this medal. And of course “Stephanie is into hunks” is still the giggliest opening for a book in MY book.

5. I’m in love with Bree Van De Kamp. Supposedly we’re all supposed to identify with the vacuous, doe-eyed klutzy everywoman Susan, but godDAMN she’s a moron and I pray every week for a Bree-centric ep. I am smitten with her perfect hair, her symmetrical eyebrow, her slow-burn vixen stare, and her totally intense chemistry with Zach the neighbor boy, her son, AND her marriage counseler.

4. I stopped dicking around buying scores of $6 lipglosses at Walgreens because I really only need DiorKiss in Red Currant 778. Best plumping action I’ve seen all semester, ha!

2. I nearly could’ve aced this class if I hadn’t been so distracted with doing nothing. Er, what I mean is, my lower back is totally fucked up and I have to rest on my bed with my feet up a lot. I may even have to take next semester off for surgery. Anyone have any advice about multiple stress fractures in your back?

2. Despite his sleepy, possibly hungover, lusty stares, Scruffy Boy spoke not to me. Still, it was nice to be sorta admired all semester. And now that finals are over, I can forget everything I learned about terriginous sediment and free up that space for say, multiple crushes on boys.

1. Best news in months: I’m not gross after all! Remember a couple months ago I mentioned possibly having a vaginal cyst? Well! I went for a check-up today and turns out it was just a small vein that was irritated and inflamed. Guess who’s getting fingerbanged tonight? Me!!!!!!

Tonight I reread “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.” I think I like it better now than I did when I was 10.

Today I skipped class and slept till 3 in the afternoon so tomorrow I’m stuck listening to taped lectures in the library.

Last night I dreamed the most popular girl in fifth grade was now my friend all grown up. She tried on every lipstick I owned and all I felt was disgust. I fake smiled at her the way she used to do to me.

I never had a magical summer where I grew ungawky and John Cusack never had an integral role in my sexual development. I feel shitty I don’t look 19 anymore and sometimes I want to have a baby.

A lot of times I have these just, incredibly WASPy daydreams about my future with pearls and linens and churches and charities and prep schools. A lot of other times I just want to move somewhere warm.

I can’t fucking wait until this semester is over. I want to buy myself a present for making it through. Any ideas? (nothing over $150).

I missed class Monday so today I went up to him and said, “Hey, were you here Monday?” and he was like, “Yeah..” (pause) “Do you think I could copy your notes? ” “I was only for like half the class.”

Me: “Oh… Well…”

“And I don’t take really good notes, so I’m probably not the guy you want to ask for that.”

Me: “Oh, OK, thanks…”

Him: “No problem.”

And then he walked away, the fool!

I had perfect pink lips and smooth pony-tailed hair. I was wearing a white angora sweater and man, angora sweaters make you look soft and pettable and when boys see you in one they’re like, “omg boobies, must touch.”

It was pretty disappointing.

So..is he…

A. Gay
B. Hungover
C. “Just not that into me”
D. Something I haven’t thought of

Help.