If I were president I’d make the first Tuesday in November a national holiday and it would be super illegal for your boss to make you come in anyway. This would be beneficial for teens as well since they’d get to feel smug about running the country’s gas stations and video stores for a day.

I’d like to see this holiday become on par with Mexico’s Day Of The Dead celebration. We would eat sugar skulls of Lincoln and Washington and decorate voting halls with candles and marigolds. Or, perhaps more realistically, we would get drunk and shoot off our guns.

If I were president I’d also make Halloween a national holiday and do away with daylight savings time. There are many countries (Japan among more than a hundred others) which don’t practice this nonsense. “Screw you fall back, spring ahead” is what I say.

In conclusion, I’m pretty stoked about voting alongside Millie, Ethel, and Leo on Tuesday. Who’s with me?

hee! in the store yesterday a tiny cute very young little dykey girl appproached me.

“which thigh highs are sexier.”

“duh! the ones with the bows!”

she was a little shaved head girl with too many facial peircings.

“i’m trying to seduced this girl and i want to look girly and sexy. i haven’t worn a dress for like 2 years! i even shaved my legs!”

“omg! you’re like me 10 years ago! fuck!!! you are so cute!! do not shave your legs just wear the cute thigh highs!”

oh god there is nothing cuter than a baby dyke and never mind a baby dyke trying to be girly and sexy. she was all blushing and brandishing her wallet chain.

i loved her.

You first perked me in middle school when I was home sick and bored but then To Die For came on TV. I remember I was drinking a lot of tea so I kept having to run to the bathroom. And on one trip, I was walking backwards so as not to miss anything and I stumbled and then fell over my brother’s soccer ball. heh. Anyway, you are way hot and talented and I’m hardly ever gawky anymore so maybe you can Oscarbang me with your statuette when you win next year for playing Johnny Cash. Happy birthday!

who am i to say that people can’t go about changing their minds about shit, their own lives for fucks sake?
but you know, it irritates me., in the way that a very bi-polar person is irritating. the state of mind changes for no reason apparent to the outside world. and that’s irritating. once again, not that people need to supply me with a reason when they change their minds.

here’s the thing about it. when you have a stance or an idea about life and you preach it loudly and incessantly. and you sort of act all superior when other people are not living life the way you are or they are not interested in the things you are currently interested in. and you really make a big fucking deal about it all the fucking time.

and then… you change your mind.

and you make a big point to start talking about your new thing. pretty much just ignoring the original thing that was the total opposite as though you expect other people to not remember.

and that brings me to another thing. like no one fucking cares what you are doing anyway. so shut the fuck up.

i just hate people who need attention in this way.

here is a very silly sort of example. let’s say that i love a specific brand of make up. i love it, it’s great, it makes me feel fabulous. i tell everyone about it. i talk about it all the time, i learn everything about the creator and everything. then one day for whatever reason i decide i hate it. now after i have tried to convince everyone i know to use it also i have suddenly switched. and i talk about this new brand of make up incessantly and sort of sneer at people wearing the old brand.

okay i know that’s a dumb example and it’s one i just randomly made up. but do you get my basic point?

so why was i extolling the virtues of the first brand of make up? i really liked it so i wanted other people to like it also. i wanted validation that it was a good brand and that it made me look as good as it made me feel. it did make me feel and look good and i sincerely wanted to let others know so that they could also partake and feel and look good also. and it made me HAPPY. don’t you want your friends to be happy? and don’t you want to KNOW that those friends are happy? spread the happy! right?…

its the hammering of it that makes it suspicious. feel free to mention it a few times. but please not all the time. and don’t refer back to it in every conversation even when we are talking about nuclear physics. right?

am i the only one who finds this so irritating. and just imagine a senario in which we are not talking about make-up but the WAY you live your life. and imagine that it is a person you are used to sort of looking up to for some reason someone who in the past you have let your life be guided by them.

note to self: do not allow such fuck faces to have anything to do with your life ever again. in fact don’t even bother to talk to that person anymore. the perks do not make up for it.

i was just sitting here and a glanced over and saw a piece of tape with something written on it on a box. so weird. i suddenly recognized the handwritting. i remember her and the last time i saw her. she was standing on a street corner, her hair was bright pink, she was 8 or 9 months pregnant, she was waiting for the bus. i didnt stop.

i fukcing love shopping. for anything. i have so many clothes i don’t have enought room for all of them. i have my underwear on rotation for fucks sake.

anyway. i think i will go buy some girly magazines. i rarely induldge in them. but sometimes a good hideous girly mag is jsut the thing. and when i say girly mag i do not mean “shaved asian pussy” or “nugget”. i mean like cosmo or something.

i actually rather like the more get in shape type mags. they are more likely to have normally shaped models.

speaking of shopping. i do not have a halloween costume. nor any idea of what i want to be. maybe i will go look for a costume. i feel fat and am bleeding right now so i just dont feel like dressing up much. except in my fucking totally cute new skirt that i got on sale yesterday. it has bows!

i feel so boring kind of suddenly. other peoples lives sound more interesting. mine stretchs ahead in a stressful and dreary fashion. my own thoughts crowd me. guilt crowds me. i’ve gained like 10 pounds almost. there is no where to put anything. i expect too much or not enough from people.

but the page was torn, everybody else was doing it…

i was thinking the other day about expectations. in my head i was leacturing a friend of mine. i had witnessed an interaction between her and her new boyfriend. and i was thinking girl you are dooming yourself and him already. i could see that she was having “girly” sort of expectations about his behavior. you just can’t expect people to behave the way they do in your head or dreams. her new boyfriend is a fucking total geek. a cute and nice one i grant you. although i did describe him as a short fat winnie the pooh once… but whatever, he’s her knight in shining armor right now. and that’s great. but like she needs to keep in mind who he actually is. and if he doesnt get on bended knee and kiss her hand every time he sees her it isnt a failing of his. her expectation is incorrect.

i’ve had expectations of my own in the past and looking back they were a bit dumb. and men have had expectations of me that were very dumb and put undue pressure on me and relationships were ruined.

you just shouldnt expect people to act in ways that are not suited to them. i find it difficult to … rely on people? i think that is what it is. being self sufficient is very important. and i havfe worked hard to become so. atthe expennce of other things in my life. for one thing, my day to day job is something i dont give a shit about but i make a decent amount of money at it. and i support myself in the grand style to which i have become accustomed. if i want something i go buy it for myself.

i had another friend once who complained to me that her boyfriend didn’t buy her flowers. and so i said, well did you ask him to? and she said, “well, NO! that would ruin it.i want him to want to go buy me flowers”.
and okay, i can sort of understand that. but really it is just fucking stupid. i told her to go buy her damn self some flowers and she did.i buy myself flowers all the time. if i want something i can buy it for myself.

it comes back to the way men and women expect each other to act. each person should examine that feeling and the reasoning behind it.

also recently i kind of decided i would allow myself to depend on someone else for something… something i need, something i could probably do by myself in some fashion. but somehtings are better done wioth two people. anyway, i find it very difficult and i am impatient. i tried to make it clear that this thing was actually very important to me. it did not make it clear that asking for help was difficult. and yesterday i was kind of a cunt about it. now i dont know what to do. i could drop the expectation and go my own way and find my own solution…

I just discovered the most transcendent site: e.l.f. cosmetics, which stands for eyes, lips, face; precious! So this place, they don’t test on animals, everything’s packed with antioxidents, AND AND AND! each of their products are only a dollar.

I just ordered a slew of pretty crap for 25 bucks. In a few days I am going to look and smell wonderful (because everything is sweetly scented).

Wheee…

he doesn’t vote because he doesn’t believe in the system, he said. his vote doesn’t actually count. i pointed out that if there are two million people in this country that feel like he does, that’s the makings of a revolution right there. he agreed there should be a revolution.

i asked him what his solution would be. he said there was no solution. i started over, from the beginning: what are the loopholes in our current system that are causing the disenfranchisement of millions of voters?

1. not all states conduct electoral voting the same way
2. electoral college is not required by law to vote the way of the popular vote
3. population density skews the electoral vote
4. only the richest men can afford to run

he said he is for states’ rights. i said then you are a southerner at heart, HA! he agreed with me, for once. then i said that democracy = majority rules. means someone (the minority) will always feel “disenfranchised”. but he said democracy = the biggest bully wins. in practice, maybe… but that’s not the point. he said even a perfect democracy still isn’t fair. i said what is more fair? he said NOTHING was. so we stalemated for a while.

i had visions of mobilizing hundreds of thousands of people, using the web of course, to march peacefully in demand of overhauling our current electoral system. he would throw out the partisan system entirely. he would divvy up the country into four regions and give each region an election. four presidents who look out for their area of the country. i wonder if this could work… but doesn’t that somehow in the end bring us back to the population density thing??

i asked, if he ran for president, how would he campaign, since he is not a rich man? he said he would never run for president. i said that wasn’t the point and he said that it was. he infuriates me sometimes.

i suggested that there be a cap on campaign spending (i am not sure if this has already been proposed or not). in that maybe you get x number of signatures and petition the government for public funding of which everybody gets no more and no less than one half million dollars. then you are allowed legally to spend another half million dollars. but it must be spent only on campaigning, and it must NOT come from your own pocket but from donations. and one million dollars is the absolute cap, so no more wolf and eagle ads running during the world series if you know what i mean.

i get so angry when he gives his right to vote the finger. i feel that it is not only a right but a duty. what the hell kind of example are you to the younger generation if you do not vote?? i yelled at him that women and blacks had to actually rise up and fight to have the same say that the white guys already had. for them to fight like that and then i come along and spit all over it is fucking wrong. and i will not do it.

i hate kerry and i hate bush. i am indifferent about nader, i voted for him last time and i know that it is probably a wasted vote unless i want to pull votes from one candidate (in which case i could just VOTE for that candidate, duh). BUT. come november 2 my ass will be at the local public school voting for SOMEONE.

(this is the part where i get irritated because we have fights sometimes where he tells me i am such a negative person. but i tell him that i would support him 100% in starting a peaceful revolution and he gives me the finger because he is actually such a pessimist.)

for girls there is this fine line between being a bitch and being assertive enough to get what you want and/or not get stepped all over. i piss all over that fine line. when i was younger i knew it was there but didn’t care. now i kinda care. but i get so pissed off when it seems like men are crossing the line themselves. do not be an asshole when you are telling how to do someting or i will no longer do jack shit for you. get it? and don”t think i am going to take the time to find some PC-ass way of saying it. how about you just NOT be an assface?

there is no reason to asume that just because i havent done somehting thati cant do it or will fuck it up. and who cares if i fuck it up? in the grand scheme of things… so fucking what. and if i had been doing this kind of shit from a young age then maybe i would be better at it than you. in fact. i know i would be. it’s a battle of the dicks. and i shall win.

see look, i’ve crossed the line again. fuck.

Dear Junior-Partner-GQish Hunk At Whole Foods This Saturday,

You were way hot in your 5 o’clock shadow, jeans, and college sweatshirt. I’m pretty certain you were checking me out too but it was sort of hard to tell since you were with your gf or possibly fiance. Now, I guess you’ve been hot sexin together a while now, but do you really want to marry some 5′8″ blandly-in-shape grad school Democrat who wears exactly the same jeans and sweatshirt Saturday afternoon errand outfit as you AND makes you go with her to do it all while the big game is on?

And yeah, I could tell she was nice and all by the way she said “Excuse me” while my cart was blocking the salad stuff, but damnit, this story should end with me making out with you and her transfering to Yale (see! I’m a nice person).

If I was a riskier slut I would’ve said to you amongst the avacados:
“Hi.”
And you would’ve smiled.
And then I would’ve said, “Is that your girlfriend?”
“Yes, it is,” you would bashfully admit, like, upon sudden reflection you couldn’t really think of a reason for why you were still together.
Then I would say, “Wanna go outside and make out at the employee picnic table?”
OR, if I was a blurty slut-
“You guys into threesomes?”

And the look on your face would’ve been first prize awesome. No, no! wait! the look on your girlfriend’s face would’ve been first prize when she called you over to ask what you were talking to me for and then you’d explain and THEN it would be the best look on her face ever!

Love,
Jane

P.S. Ashlee’s secret isn’t lipsynching, it’s that she’s a big gawky lezzie. Did you see Tina Fey and especially Amy Poehler stroking Ash’s arms during the end SNL credits? Who agrees?

Today I made one of those girlish bargains with myself to not buy any new clothes until I lose 15 pounds. Then I thought, hey, that doesn’t include shoes, bras, or panties. Then five seconds later I also amended that I could still buy cool tee shirts because most of the fat is ass and thighs, so I’ll pretty much stay the same shirt size. Then I thought, new clothes…so maybe that doesn’t include things from thrift stores and then I got bored and watched back-to-back episodes of Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County.

Have you guys seen this monstrous show? Seriously, it leave me blissfully agape for half-hours at a time. Remember the heinous genius of MTV’s Rich Girls last winter? well this group of sad sacks are ready to stand around and bitch about each other ten times faster, tanner, and wonderfully, wonderfully lamer than those two uggers.

Also, have you had the awesome of seeing one of those Vote Or Die interruptions during MTV’s scheduled programming? Or seen Diddy flashing that tee around every silly talk show of late? Just the other night he was totally humping Carson Daly, whispering in his ear, “Vote Or Die, bitch, Vote Or Die.” Personally, I’d vote for the latter.

wouldnt it be easier if we could just throw down about some things? fuck it lets just kick the shit out of each other and to hell with it. (hey, our government does it!)
i mean, why did i just have this ground swell of proprietary rage? it is so dumb. this ain’t my town. but still.. get the fuck out of here. if i fucking see you here i will spit upon you!

okay has that alarm been going off all fucking day?

the mall. it was, like, the only thing to go DO. my childhood was completely culturaly bankrupt. i vow my children will not have that same experience. i’m serious.

start what? you, know, like stuff. or maybe now is a good time to not start. not starting has its advatages. it means you can hang out and do nothing. if you can hang out and do nothing wioth no guilt then go for it. i spent a large part of my youth doing nothing and often feeling guilty. even with the guilt it was pretty good. but then i got panicky about like being a grown up sort of. when i panic stupid shit happens. so ended up a sort of half-assed grownup. maybe everyone my age feels likea half-asses grownup. anyone? anyone? anyway. my point is that there is stuff to get done and there is stuff to not get done. and i plan on doing both in a half-assed fashion as is my wont.

so they say that sex is good for stress. as in relieves it. relief is spelled S-E-X.

but heres the thing. when i am stressed i dont want to have sex. i’m too stressed. get it? eh? is this not oftent eh case with other people?

in order for me to have sex i need to be relaxed and mostly calm. and not thinking about shitty things like how i dont have enough money to pay off my quarterly taxes or something. or WHATEVER.

now i could say. well ellie, _force_ yourself to have sex. but, uh, that don’t work so well. who’s there to force me? do i say to Mr. Boy,” hey i am all stressed, throw me down and fuck me.”

hmmm. maybe i’ll try that. it could be good.

wow. it is amazing how much i HATE academia . hate it. hate all people in it. hate and their smug self righteous fuckallness. hate ‘em. and if hating ‘em makes me “anit-ntellectual” well fuck it. maybe i am. i just hate the smugness. “oh, look how much and how deeply i think about things. la ti da”.

yes you heard me! FUCK OFF. cram those academic papers no one gives a fuck about UP YOUR ASS.

he twirled my nipples between his fingers and breathed into my ear. that’s not gonna work, i said. i’m not that easy…

according to the football team you are, he said, and kept twirling. i gasped. how did he know about that? i’m the quarterback, he replied. i was there. ooooooh. i love quarterbacks.

don’t you have a ditzy cheerleader girlfriend? i asked. sure do, he said, name’s jennifer. i felt his hard-on against my ass and said, then what do you want with me? he rubbed my thighs, coaxing them open and whispered, i want you to fuck her.

she’s a prude! i spat. on the outside, he grinned, but on the inside, she’s all whore. just like you. i blinked in disbelief as he insisted, sometimes we get high and go pick up a hooker. she loves it when the hooker fucks her.

so you know where to get a hooker? i ask. mmm-hmmmm, he nodded and nibbled that spot on my neck just above my collarbone. i ain’t free, i declared. you’ll get paid just the way you like, he smiled.

in cock.

I have this fantasy…

where I sneak onto my neighbor’s lawn and replace his Bush/Cheney sign with a Kerry/Edwards one because really, there’s a good chance he might not even notice.

sometimes it is very hard to have girl friends. chicks are weird. they seem to have more hangups than men. visible ones i guess. they get offend so very easily. i never know how to deal with it. i am not offended very easily. and so i am sometimes oblivious.
to make up for my obliviousness i sometimes over do it.

an old friend is pregnant. i guess that means she finally had sex. a far cry from the time she refused to shove even a tampon up there.
although why i should still think about that no tampon incident like 20 years later i have no idea. how dumb is it that i even remember that. poor girl.

the thought of her having sex still creeps me out.
i mean, its not a a crime to not have sex in high school…

it’s just that she was SUCH a prude.

it was so totally very alien to me. why were even friends? i cant remember.

What’s the worst thing about childhood?

Sharing your toys with someone who will break them
Growing up
Wondering when daddy will come home, because he is, you know
Cleaning your room every week
Writing thank you letters
Having your bithday fall really close to Christmas
Going to school when it totally should have been a snow day
Sucking cock

Wearing pink slippers
Don’t feel like reading a book
Sunday night boredom

holy hell… what a few days it has been. the soap opera at work just got a lot more interesting. it is very much like when my first true love who strung me along for SIX (!!!) years came back into town one more time and asked me to be his best girl again. he said all the right things too. but i said to myself, every time he does this i break up with whoever i am dating to live happily ever after with him and he always bails on me ANYWAY. so it is time to finally say no now. and i did. and it was soooooooo hard especially when right after that he turned around and got married to some girl he barely knew. which made me think, what if that could have been me? what if i missed my chance for happily ever after?? am i stupid?

but i am not. because there is no guarantee it would have been me. he probably would have married her after he dumped me again anyway. but this thing at work is like that, i have been with one job for four years with everyone above my boss saying how dispensable and unimportant my job is. i spent tons of time trying to show them what the job COULD be if they would let it. and i did it all for free too. then they decided to dump me. so i got okay with that and decided to go to this other job, which really wants me and already has projects lined up with my name on them. so then my ex-job goes WAIT WAIT you aren’t actually LEAVING me are you?? like an abusive boyfriend who thought i would always stay or something.

so the new job gave me the same hours, better pay.
then my old job gave me better hours, same pay.
then the new job gave me better hours, better pay.
then my old job gave me better hours, better pay.

so the playing field is leveled and the only question now is where i want to spend my time, since the hours and the money are the same. am leaning strongly toward new job…

my boss is really really pissed at me i think. and blowing sunshine up my ass to try and keep me around. she knows i am an intensely cautious person and that has always been her ace in the hole. but now there is something else that looks better, that feels better, that pays better, and i want it.

is that so wrong?