because although my heart is in it my body really really isn’t for some reason. and i want to stop but i don’t WANT to want to stop. and i don’t know what to do about it.

this is usually when i ravish him to try and disguise my frustration. sometimes it works, other times no. last time he saw right through me when i threw him on the bed and he said

wow you must really want to get this overwith.

which frustrated me further, a) i hate being so transparent and b) i really truly care and do not want his feelings to be hurt.

it took all my self-control to keep from making hamburger out of his neck.

now let’s just go back a minute here. being ravished is all well and good. being seduced and catered to also has its place though. because you are on your knees begging, i will expound.

when boy spends half an hour massaging my feet and kissing all my delicate spots teasingly, i feel like a goddess. for about five minutes. then i start to beat myself up emotionally because i generally don’t do this to him. it seems kind of pointless with a man, because most men i know would rather a woman spend twenty minutes drawing out a blowjob (which i do with some regularity) than giving them dainty butterfly kisses in the hollows of their ankles. then i wonder if he is hinting at something by lavishing on me the attention that he craves for himself – sort of like monkey see, monkey do. and i get distracted by all this fretting about what it is exactly that he wants. and my arousal suffers for it. and his ego suffers for that.

and the cycle continues.

when he attempts to ravish me is usually when i have been too busy or too tired or too anything to respond to sex, much less initiate it (which is nearly all the time lately, and for that i am truly sorry). i say “attempts” because i can be a pretty cranky party spoiler when the mood strikes me. basically he comes on really strong, which gives me adequate reason to (sincerely) fight back, and it becomes one of those giggly, tickly wrestling matches where nobody wants to give in and lose and the pheromones of sheer determination overwhelm both parties. eventually i run out of physical strength because i never bought that bowflex (he did) and he pins me. all this commotion gets me going physically, but then emotionally i don’t want to yield, for having lost. (stupid! does anybody lose when they are getting laid??) then i get stubborn and the cycle continues, ad nauseam.

the good thing about the first method is that it COULD feel good and be luxurious, if i didn’t hate myself quite so much.

the good thing about the second method is that wrestling is fun, and that someone like me who has difficulty taking responsibility for her actions can easily regress into victim mode, which is soothing in its own (twisted) way.

there is no perfect way to get me into bed, it turns out. the gentle seduction rapidly deteriorates into self-denegration and guilt. the aggressive ravishment comes a little too near that raw spot of contrary independence deep inside which is probably a result of being kicked twice too often. but then WHY does it always have to come back to that?? that was ten years ago for fuck’s sake!

i do not think any of this makes any sense. but i feel like i am damned either way. because when i was younger and single and more damaged, i had sex with anyman, everyman, with no physical pleasure whatsoever. now i am older and not so single and slightly healed, and my occasional sexual encounters (which quake the earth on the physical pleasure scale) are difficult to accept.

boy will surely hate me for being so fucking complicated.

bacchus did it to us again… it’s not quite midnight yet and we are fast approaching 1000 hits in 24 hours. a girl could definitely get used to this.

hotels make me so damn horny.

something about the little travel size shampoos and lotions, the individually wrapped soaps, the hotel’s voice mail, the fact that the towel supply is limited, living out of my suitcase which is open on that little stand in the closet – it all tells me psychologically two things:

1. you are not in your usual place; you are somewhere else, someone else, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

and

2. you will not be here very long, MAKE IT COUNT!

so i am looking into going away. just for three or four days. maybe toronto. possibly seattle. could be new orleans. or cape cod. or myrtle beach.

of course i want to take boy. he was not convinced until i pointed out that hotels make me horny. now he is on the fence…

when he falls i will catch him and whisk him away to niagara falls. with a fireplace, a jacuzzi, and floor-to-ceiling views of cascading water.

yeah.

the guy who decides whether my department lives or dies is leaving. permanently. friday. he is going back into the belly of the beast from whence he came. he is vacating his posh high-rise condo.

ever the professional, i am doing exactly what is expected of someone in my position.

i am buying his dining room table. and five shoe-racks.

hey, they are a dollar each and the dining table is only forty. plus it is BLUE which totally clashes with all of my decor. i should really have more blue around. it is a very calming color. lord knows i need calm.

i am not sure whether to laugh or cry. i do not know if they are replacing him or just moving his position back to headquarters. he actually seems sad to have to sell all his crappy ikea furniture, his last two years here pathetically revealed in paper lampshades and particle board. he seems to be a nice person, anyway.

will he still hold caesar power over my job? or will that illustrious honor go to some other schmo who is already here? or coming from another industry (worse!) or being promoted from within? what if that person is a big dick?

i need a vacation.

i havent had sex for a while. i want to be ravished. thrown down, as it were.

i often makethe claim that the majority of women want to be thown down and fucked (by their signifigant other that is) and not sexily and gently seduced.

i for one do not want to be seduced one bit. in fact it frustrates me and i hate it. do not gently stroke me. ever.

i guess. i could tell she wanted me to say “well come over anytime” or “let me know if you need anything”. but if i had said either of those things than she might have really come over anytime or asked me for shit. fuck that noise. it already pissed me off that she even came to the door. i had to run around looking for my pants. fuck it. next time i answer the door in my underwear. I’m unemployed for fucks sake.

there really is nothing liek getting fired to make you realize how much you hated working. let me try to convince you.. i FUCKING hate working. hate it. you know what i hate more. assholes who either A. pretend they like their job just to make you feel like shit or B. people who actully like their job.
they can all just go fuck right off.
right about now i am thinking things like “gee wouldnt i actually be kinda nice to be a housewife or something?”
but no. i would hate that. i would hate it because i am kind of a hermit. and being stuck in the house all day with a kid would drive me nuts and so i would be forced to leave the house in search of other housewives and i would hate them all. and so my life would suck.

someone fix me please i am feeling broken.

but at the same time i feel perfectly fine and normal and even happy.

goodbye shithole job. hello unemployment check.

stupid smug bitches. i just fucking knew it. i can’t take the smugness and i never could. they all tried to pretend it wasnt there. but we all knew it was. or maybe they thought they were hiding it? but you’re glad we are all so HAPPY right? and then *snicker snicker snicker* oh, (insert girly girl head tilted to the side sad face here), you’ll be happy someday too and wont have to be a bitter old spinster hag the rest of your life… someday. if you can find some FOOL who will put up with your bitter ass foreva and eva.

note to self: never be smug. never be smug. never be smug.

i hired a personal assistant to live my life. she looks a lot like me only with better skin and she smiles more than i do. i am just too freaking busy to do anything myself right now. she worked two hours overtime yesterday and had sex with three different men this weekend, just for fun. i imagine she’s tired about now.

she’s rushing around my apartment looking for my missing gold stud earring and rehearsing my speech to the board. she will drive my hummer as carelessly as i do.

i think i’ll have some coffee and a nap.

im hot and sweaty. i am pmsing. i am frustrated and have gain weight. depressed. bored. grrrrrrrr.

i also use the ring. but i have been getting yeast infections more regularly with it. i think i am going to have to switch. i dont know if it is because i am having unprotected sex or if it is from the ring…

today has been horrible. i must get on couch and not move.

a recent comment read thus:

[...]“Before I get flamed, I understand that blaming a woman’s mood changes and irritability on her monthly cycles carries with it the same outcome as, say, asking a gorilla to shave your balls with a machete.”[...]

this deserves an entire entry to itself. because on the one hand women get all pissy when a man says that her crankiness MUST be due to pms. on the other hand women know damn good and well that hormones DO cause crankiness and expect to use it as a perfectly valid excuse for certain instances of bitch mode.

i couldn't help but wonder...
can we have our cake and eat it too?

damn, i miss that show.

anyway, i think so. it’s not fair for men to fall back on it as the only reason for our discontent, as there are certainly plenty more which could be to blame! job, kids, money, car, friends, MEN, parents, etc. etc… i mean, that’s like saying “you have no reason whatsoever to be bitchy, ever, so it must be your cunt because that is pretty much all there is to you”. which is infuriating. however we want to be able to say “i’m sorry i snapped at you, i’m crampy and cranky” – just like everyone says “i’m sorry i’m not feeling very social right now, i’m a bit overwhelmed at work” – when it IS the reason we go off.

for many women hormonal changes are a huge deal emotionally and for some it is not so severe, just like some of us can drink coffee right before bed and sleep like babies while others climb the walls until three a.m. however for those women who are maybe not directly emotionally affected by the chemical changes, the general irritation of having an extra thing to think about and be inconvenienced by for anywhere from five to eight days a month may still SUCK enough to induce mood swings. many of us feel less sexy because the hormones make us smell stronger, cramps make us uncomfortable (and who feels like a slice of sunshine when they aren’t physically well?), and skin problems make our faces shinier or flakier or bumpier which impacts our self-image temporarily. some of us get yeast infections, or wearing pads might irritate our delicate skin.

what the hell am i trying to say? i don’t know. but i don’t get offended by men who intelligently acknowledge hormones as a factor in mood swings, unless they assume that it is pms 100% of the time. i don’t care if a man doesn’t like sex during that time because frankly, i feel freakish and not remotely sexy anyway. (plus the starved urgency of post-menstrual sex is delish!) and it does make me bitchy sometimes, as does everything else in my life.

but i do hate my period and wish it dead.

me: i want this job but i do not know if i can work it out.
him: what do you mean?
me: here are all the things that would potentially be a problem: thing a, thing b, thing c, thing…
him: (cutting me off) do you WANT it?
me: yeah, i do.
him: then take it. everything else will fall into place.
me: but what about thing a, thing…
him: we’ll find a way. we always do.

so how about that nonstop birth control pill that lets you have your period only four times a year? i have had zero success with this so far. you can supposedly just skip the dummy week of your regular pills and achieve the same effect, according to my doctor. but some people have irritating breakthrough bleeding for the whole duration, which is what i had the last time i tried it. this time i tried it again and i got not only the breakthrough bleeding but as a nifty bonus my period came ANYWAY. argh!

it sucks to have your period twelve times a year. four would definitely be better. but if in the attempt to get only four a year you wind up with random, unscheduled bleeding i think it is not worth it at all. because the upside of having your period is that at least you know WHEN it is going to happen. you can prepare for it. i always have to run out and get laid twice the day before my period so that i’ve had enough to last me for five or six days. and by the time it is over i pretty much radiate that “hello, i SAID i am on the market, someone please fuck me now” vibe. which may look desperate to girls but sure looks attractive to boys.

so i think i am done with this messing with mother nature thing. either that or i am going to go get one of those new iuds that last five years. only they cost like $500 and it is questionable whether insurance covers them… possibly the patch is covered, does it work too? any sudden weight gain like i had with the depo shot? does it fall off your skin? and where will i put it so that it will be hidden and yet not obstruct my tats? not that i care if people see it but if they do they may mistake it for a nicotine patch. at which point they will want to talk about my smoking problem and i will want to tell them to get bent. nobody wins.

speaking of patches and smoking does the hormonal iud and the patch have the same stroke risk etc. for smokers as birth control pills do? because my chiropractor is bugging me about that.

and now for something completely different… could someone please invent hands-free cigarettes?

thanks.

i am not sure i am ready to make this post. in fact i am not altogether sure that i haven’t already… probably if i did the old version will be better than this one. but anyway.

someone commented on a recent post that every woman he knows claims to have been raped and asks if women actually know what rape is. it pissed me off, but it got me thinking (again) about this touchy subject. and here is what i came up with.

from rainn.org (rape, abuse, & incest national network):

[...]RAPE is forced sexual intercourse, including both psychological coercion and physical force. Forced sexual intercourse means vaginal, anal or oral penetration by the offender(s). This category includes incidents where the penetration is from a foreign object such as a bottle. This definition includes attempted rapes, male and female victims, and heterosexual and homosexual rape.

SEXUAL ASSAULT includes a wide range of victimizations, distinct from rape or attempted rape. These crimes include completed or attempted attacks generally involving unwanted sexual contact between the victim and offender. Sexual assaults may or may not involve force and include such things as grabbing or fondling. Sexual assault also includes verbal threats.

These definitions are the same ones used by the US Department of Justice’s annual National Crime Victimization Survey, the most comprehensive study of the incidence of rape. Unless otherwise noted, all statistics on RAINN’s website are based on the above definitions.[...]

now i think that the “psychological coercion” thing is extremely vague. i was once in a relationship for two years where i slept with my boyfriend every day whether i wanted to or not, because if i refused, he would pretend i didn’t exist, literally. the only time i was exempt was if i was having my period, which grossed him out. i would not presume to prosecute him for that, since i stayed there of my own volition. when i got really sick of it, i left him, and that was that. however that argument does not apply to victims in physically abusive relationships although they often choose to stay. i guess they are understood to feel that their leaving the perpetrator would be potentially dangerous to them based on the abuse itself and the usual threats; there was no reason to think that he would stalk or attempt to physically harm me if i left. and he didn’t.

there was also a guy that i knew from school who waited until i’d had a few beers to get me alone at a bonfire party in the woods. we took a walk and talked and after a while he told me to take off my clothes. i balked, and he told me that he knew where i lived and would come kill me while i slept if i didn’t go along. he was smaller than me and i probably should have thrown him in the river, but i was somehow too scared. he didn’t have a weapon, but he had threatened me. my fault or his? (please don’t answer that.)

there was the time i was in the pool at my friend’s house and two guys (who were normally cool and did not act this way) grabbed my arms and legs while a third ripped my swimsuit off in front of everyone. the third guy’s girlfriend actually got mad at me for asking if it didn’t bother her and urging her to bring it up to him. my boyfriend of the time watched and said nothing. i freaked out, and the host threw us all out. at which point everyone got mad at ME.

there was the time i got drunk and passed out at a friend’s house and woke up with a coworker’s fiance on the couch next to me, sliding his hand up and down my pants leg around my ankle, and moving up to my ass. and i was so physically ill that if i moved i was sure i would have thrown up everywhere, and i didn’t want to do that. so i lay there and pretended to be asleep and hoped someone would catch him, but nobody did.

there was the time that a guy i was sleeping with wasn’t ready for me to leave to run an errand just yet (even though i promised to come back right away) and wouldn’t stop until i pushed him off. which pissed him off to the point that he physically restrained me while he forcibly penetrated me anally.

not one of these men was a stranger to me. NOT ONE. this does not include the varying instances of sexual harrassment or peeping or crude innuendo, which number in the hundreds. i am not especially beautiful. i am not especially endowed.

do men know what rape is? i found a study several years ago that gave shocking results. when men were asked if they had ever raped anyone, they all said of course not. when they were asked if they had ever had sex with someone who had said no, a lot of them said yes. they were further asked if they persisted after she said no, and if they continued despite her asking them to stop, and a lot of them said yes. they do not know, because our parents spend more time teaching girls to keep their heads up and their eyes open in parking lots than they do teaching boys how to respect other people sexually, or teaching girls how to respect themselves, period. parents teach about peer pressure, not about coercion. our entire society still supports the theory that a sexually active guy is a stud while a sexually active girl is a slut.

do women know what rape is? a lot of us don’t, even after it happens to us. we are raised to think that it will be a stranger, a man with a mask and a weapon who finds us when we are somewhere we are not supposed to be and it is past our curfew. (this is mostly to scare us into keeping our curfew and behaving ourselves. ahem.) however, according to rainn, in 2000, four of ten rapes happened in the victim’s home, while only one in twelve happened in a parking garage. so when it isn’t the armed masked stranger, when it is someone we thought we knew and could trust, it has an unreal quality which makes it difficult to define. i actually looked it up in the dictionary when it happened to me.

i have no conclusions, except that it is fucked up. it is fuzzy. it is a double-edged sword. but it is out there. it is real. and it is painful. it happens a hell of a lot more than you think, to the people you would least expect.

i am idiot for writing this. rude comments will be deleted.

does anyone here bother to come and check on us daily?

a good constructive fight is a refreshing thing.

i wish i could articulate how i feel/think about negative emotions. i kinda like them in a way. i like the idea of them. i like the idea of a gamut of human emotions. i don’t mind experiencing them all.

if i didn’t get mad and feel like shit and cry then it seems like i would be avoiding something too big, something that should not be avoided.

but what about the seeming complete absence of emotions? i something get that. i look at some situation and think “hmmm, i kinda think i should be feeling THIS. but i’m not sure” but really i am feeling nothing at all.

how common is that i wonder? it seems fairly normal. it’s like a stress reaction. absence of feeling to cover what might be overwhelming. this is similar but not exactly the same as denial.

human versatility never ceases to amaze me. i consider myself to be a “good person” i mean, who doesn’t?
no one goes around thinking what a little shit they are.

so despite my “good person” status i have done spectacularly shitty things in my life. some of them i even feel bad about.

but a lot of them i don’t.

i would never do anything that i would consider to be bad for humanity in general.

i act with my own best interests at heart in personal relationships. and personal relationships is what i am thinking about now. i have treated peoples emotions in a cavalier fashion in the past. and why shouldn’t i? everyone is responsible for themselves. i am not going to play nice little girl to avoid hurting someone’s feelings when the balance is going against what is best for me.

this might be a case of mistaken “take back the night” syndrome. as in i have detected a flaw/something i am not happy about or something that i know other people would not condone and i am trying to embrace it.

i hate it when other people do that.

the most recently detected one being the hideously inflated ego to mask low self esteem well fuck it i will just be a big fat ego maniac and run with it syndrome.

sososo unattractive. but oh well.

whinewhinewhine! that is all she ever does. heinous!!

today she threatened to quit. it was all i could do to tell her not to let the door bump her ass on the way out. she is paranoid (management has it in for her) and negative (she rues the day she took this job) and a complete drama queen (she just can’t handle this shift) not to mention unprofessional (she writes “wazzup” in her e-mails to heads of other departments with whom she is NOT intimately acquainted) and bratty (she whines when something is reassigned elsewhere for efficiency and practicality) and high-strung (has a heart attack if same projects ARE on her plate).

NOT TO MENTION SLOPPY. she wrote down the monthly stats on a post-it note (!!!!!) and stuck it on the door!! hello — spreadsheet? it’s called excel, fucking LOOK INTO IT!! she would be sooooooooooo fired if i had my way…

my job is totally hanging by a thread, btw… others can do it cheaper (though not better, ahem) and management is on an expense-cutting audit kick… this all sucks considering i love my boss and others on my team more than life itself. and that i could be groomed to succeed to higher office given the right professional climate – i am already considered my boss’s go-to guy even though there is someone else with that official title.

however it is no fun to work here anymore. team morale is at all-time low. dozens of people waiting to be laid off and determined not to break their asses in the meantime. boy they will be pissed to find out there really is no severance package after all…

please GO HOME.