somehow it is just never the right time.

i would say that about 70% of women i know were either raped or sexually abused as childrfen. that is a lot of people. and who are the men that perpetrate these crimes?
not the men I KNOW right? right? i mean, it’s not like all those rapes or abuse were perpetratedin a back alley on a dark night with strangers.
who the fuck are these men? where do they come from and why are there so many and why is this somehow okay? if it wasnt okay then it wouldnt keep happening with such alarming frequency. now would it?

punishment for this kind of thing needs to be swift and severe. it is not okay behavior.

on a lighter note i worry that people dont like me. seriously. what is it about some people that they engender the affection of others so seemingly easily?

tonight i will also talk to the BF about this living together thing. he KEEPS mentioning it agravatingly buyt not actually talking about it.
it is so silly. i mean hell, if he can’t say “so i want you to move in” we should not be moving in.

anyway, fuck it. tonight i force a conversation about it.

it wouldnt happen until this winter if it happens. i want to live with him. but i also promised yself a long time ago that i wouldnt live with another boyfriend unless it was the person i wanted to marry. but i cant SAY that. hmmm. or can i?

i started my therapy.

the first session was kinda lame. i go again this week. possibly it will get better. i willgive it a few more shots.

the first homework assignment i have to do is hard. i have been sort of thinking about it. but haven’t buckled down and really started writing. my usual mode of operation is to just do some free form writing and then try to clean it up a bit.

so i will do that tonight i think.

should i move in with my boyfriend?

will it make the relationship go downhill immediatly? will he require too much of my attention? will he get irritated that i read too much? will i be irritated that he smokes too much pot? will i get mad that he never cooks and pees on the toilet seat?will he suddenly realize that i have no friends and am a loser? hmmmm.

it could be really great. there would be house projects. build a deck and a catwalk. make a spiral staircase, a work station. art projects. welding. cooking. sex. drugs and rock and roll. it could be really great.

maybe she is a better bet than my photolab girl… maybe she actually KNOWS my photolab girl!!

i wonder if her name is something old like sheila or nancy or something trendy like brittney or candace. hopefully it is something more classic and timeless. like jane or kate.

she is so unbelievably cute. she is punky. and nobody wears belly shirts to the office, much less with a navel ring!!

it makes me like her, that she bucks the system. how lame!!

she is stuck on that obviously fake burgundy hair color but only on the tips of her hair. which is still pixie-like. i always was a sucker for pixies. i can see three tattoos when she is wearing one of her tank tops (with bra straps of course) and cropped jeans. she looks like kelly osbourne only thin and really really cute.

she smokes. score!!

must find way to talk to her… possibly tomorrow? will she say yes?

i do not think i am what you think i am…

it is just not ever enough i don’t think. it comes and goes. maybe it is hormonal or chemical. or possibly i am an asshole and it is really all my fault.

i do not know how to help myself (unless there is cake).

liar.
underachiever.
slacker.
bitch.
neurotic freak.
insecure.
self-conscious.
spineless.
lazy.
procrastinator.
foul-mouthed.
impatient.
picky.
crochety.
easily trampled.
two-faced?
self-loathing!

i don’t know anymore.

but i am an asshole too.

i find that in order to not be a asshole i must distance myself from the the thing is causing me to want to be an asshole.

that;s the smart thing to do. distnace myself until i can learn to deal with the situation without being an asshole.

must let some things gloss over me.

i refused sex last night. i had had like three million cups of coffee. a coke and a waffle with syrup at like 9:30 pm.

what was i thinking? had i forgotten that i needed to get up in the morning?

i was a total spaz. gigglepants as my BF says. he was all like “grrreat! i can get some energetic run around screaming and chasing you with a spatula sex!” oh goody!”

but you know, there comes a point in a caffeine addicted girls day when the caffeine overcomes her and makes her too hyper sensitive to be able to have sex. or do do anything but lie there in the dark giggling like an insane woman.

i spent a long time.. purposely not caring or having an opinion. i wish i could explain this well. it’s very dumb and i regret it.

but i find people who are fanatics about things to be irritating. i want everyone to have a rounded view of everything. you must see every possible side of every argument.

also, i didn’t like it when people were fanatics because it seemed to me that there came a point in someone’s development that they decided to become a fanatic about say sports or music just so that they could have something to talk about with other people. so they could maybe have an edge? seem interesting? seem smart?

okay i know all that is partially true. but who cares? it was dumb that i cared and dumb that my retaliation was to not care about anything and purposely not become an expert at anything.

i mean, now, i don’t know anything. it sucks.

i dont like to think i am jealous. as jealousness indicates insecurity.

but then again. whatever, that is bullshit. and also, so fucking what if i have some insecurities? fuck off! i am allowed, no?

it is okay to have some rules in a relationship isn’t? i can say, “please dont do ‘this thing’ as it makes me uncomfortable”.

or i can say (to be completely PC) “IF you do ‘this thing’ i will feel uncomfortable and angry and my feelings willbe hurt”

sooo eexxxcccuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me for not being totally all progressive and shit.

you people are killing me. YOU ARE KILLING ME!!

do not waste my fucking time, as i do not have very much of it in the first place. learn to fucking communicate with each other, and with me, IN ENGLISH, because that is what i speak. also it is good if you CHECK FIRST instead of making up an answer to the questions that i ask you. this helps me to avoid looking like a fucking asshole by acting on information that is not firm.

do not think that you are so fucking important that the head honcho of any department has it in for you and is trying to run you out of the company by simply changing regulations which are IN THEIR JOB DESCRIPTION. get some fucking help already because it has been several years and although it was something really painful it can NOT be a good thing when it still interferes with your job performance!

YES she likes me better. YES i am smarter. YES i have more experience, even though you are older. YES YES YES. as lester said

I RULE!

learn your place in the pecking order. i never hassle you for anything! don’t fucking hassle me! do NOT ask me to take sides between you and someone who has been there every time i ever needed anything, because you will LOSE.

do not under any fucking circumstances try to guilt trip me into doing something that i do not feel good about. because all my life i have ignored my gut and EVERY FUCKING TIME it has backfired. do not laugh about how funny it would have been, because it would have been horrific, for me. it would have sheared the fabric of my emotional fucking universe, and to think i almost listened to you! i will treat my gut better from now on and not hate it because it isn’t totally flat.

stop telling me that my plans are wrong and making up reasons that i should give a shit. because i will look out for number one which is me and mine and you can fuck right off, and so can they.

you motherfuckers, all of you! give me back my time and my money and my emotional energy! you feed on it but YOU WILL NOT anymore.

i promise me that.

Omg. I just realized something. She isn’t actually interested in ME. She is only interested in how SHE can HELP me. So I am this thing/entity that she can impart her shitty wisdom/good circumstances/knowledge/happiness to.

It is STILL ALL ABOUT HER.

i like these! ha!

sometimes i feel so devoid of personality. how horrid is that ? i told one of my best friends that once and she was like oh whatever dude. everyone who meets you loves you and you are so chock full of personality it is ridiculous.

all that may be true but it certainly doesn’t stop me from FEELING like i have no personality.

aegis

Protection:
Sponsorship; patronage:
Guidance, direction, or control:
Greek Mythology. The goatskin shield or breastplate of Zeus or Athena. Athena’s shield carried at its center the head of Medusa.

man. i had a sex dream about a friend last night and the night before. it was fairly detailed. it was not passionate sex but it was DIRTY sex. it was the dirty kind of sex that i do not have with my current BF.

my current BF is oddly shy in bed. he doesn’t talk. he doesn’t instruct or want instruction. he practically blushes if i open my eyes and look at him. ha! he doesn’t push me around and hold me down like i want. he doesn’t call me a slut or a bitch or a fucking whore. he doesn’t go down on me. oh i miss oral sex! oh how i miss it. i love to go down on him. why does he not want to do it? i think it is because he is afraid he doesn’t know how. so silly. i mean, i know it’s a bit weird down there, all this soft pink skin… but it ain’t difficult!

anyway. i will not have sex with this friend. I WILL NOT. i could if i wanted to this week. or any time really. but i wont. in fact i should try to not dream about it either. OR maybe i could simply use that dream to make sex with current BF better. he dpesnt want instruction but i think he is going to get it anyway. more ass smacking please!

i love my current BF. so much it hurts horribly. so much that horrible insecurity creeps up on me. what if he leaves me for a woman who is thinner? with better skin? nicer hair? funnier? smarter? less dorkily insecure?

maybe he is worrying “what if she leaves me for some guy who will go down on her?”

hahahahaa. well. i wouldn’t. he deserves the ultimate conceit of having one woman love him forever. or is that silly. love makes me feel absurd. and being happy makes me feel absurd too.

i’ve been doping things lately that i never thought i would do. just little things. it feels good but scary. i want to do more.

so tied up in an emotional knot i can barely breathe, ARGH!!!

nice but pushy older woman inquired on friday about weekend plans to boy, indicating that there was something scheduled. boy freaked out and tried to cover being forgetful by agreeing casually; then frantically called me and told me i already rsvped. admittedly my mind is a sieve so it is possible. okay… freak out and make preparations necessary to do the duty to which i have apparently already agreed, dashing my plan to laze around and avoid doing laundry or get deeper into my new (old) novel. but i am cool, all is well, everything is okay.

while i am out ask boy to call and confirm time which he does. he then calls me back and tells me that the plans are elsewhere than where we both assumed, at a place where i could never and would never and would gouge out both my eyes and his before going. is person of honor already expecting us? i ask nice but pushy older woman. oh, yes, she says, person will be devastated if you do not go… for the first time in my life ever my gut wins over the guilt, and i bow out gracefully (still confused about how this happened as i definitely would have noticed this if i really did rsvp).

finding out later HEY guess what? i did not even get a fucking invitation in the first place much less rsvp!! pushy older woman is thoroughly amused and laughs for about ten minutes while i am concealing my rage at her idiocy (and that of associated friends and relations). also. boy is in trouble deep. ugh!!!

what if guilt had won? showing up there would have been nightmarish even if i WERE invited. but to not be invited and show up there… surely i would have to throw myself from a cliff after!! i cannot stand it!!

worse later boy is also amused. and annoyed by my irritation. like he thought it was really truly no big deal. NO BIG DEAL. this dammit is why people fucking plan!! so that SHIT like this does NOT HAPPEN.

i did do laundry because i was annoyed and now i cannot sleep. i also ate dinner twice somehow and missed my evening bike ride.

so i made an appointment with my GP to talk about her finding me a therapist. i am excited for some reason and also a little scared. will she laugh at me? will she be able to find me a good therapiust? one who has practical things to help me with? like i dont want some one to just sit and listent o me whine. i need someone who will give me feed back and make me look at things differently. i am ready.

i have 0 confidence at work. it is sad and pathetic and embarrasing. can i fix this somehow? what’s wrong with me?

how can i adjust my thinking about people in my family so that things stop sucking?

i am not a good communicator. and am overwhelmed by my emotions all the time.

i know that last post was funny. but i can sort of dream right? last night i thought, what a dumb self-righteous post i wrote today. i am a dork.

i am so grumpy and get bored with kids easily. i know i will just plunk my kids down in front of the TV give them a fruit roll-up and tell them to shut their little cake holes so that i can go take a bath/read/work/talk to adults. it wont be TV with commercials and stuff tho. i don’t have TV and i dont watch it. so it will be heinous disney movies for them.

all my friends (and me too) are getting to that age where everyone pairs up, gets married and starts squeeze out the kiddies. they all seem a little bewildered but oh so cute (the parents i mean). proud and cute and stuff. and the babies are cute as hell.

i always thought i would not want to be a stay at home mom. but now i almost think that i would. other people are fucking idiots and i wouldnt want my kids spending more time with people who are potentially idiots than with me.

i dont know why i am worrying about this right now. i am not married and i am not pregnant. but like, other people are and my boyfriend is wont to talk about his future kids and when he is drunk he talks about “our” future kids.

i almost feel like i could be ready to have one in the next couple of years. but can i still be cool and stuff?

that when i am a parent i am going to be super anal about some things

no TV. no soda. no junk food.

but then again i think i will emphasize some things that are better.

good sex education. good money managing education. teach them how to learn. teach them how to be interested and excited in the world. teach them that they can do anything. attempt to not pressure them to be a certain way or how i imagine them to be. give them tools and then back off.

ideologue

An advocate of a particular ideology, especially an official exponent of that ideology

Zeitgeist
The spirit of the time; the taste and outlook characteristic of a period or generation:

iconoclast
1. One who attacks and seeks to overthrow traditional or popular ideas or institutions.
2. One who destroys sacred religious images.

moral

1. Of or concerned with the judgment of the goodness or badness of human action and character: moral scrutiny; a moral quandary.
2. Teaching or exhibiting goodness or correctness of character and behavior: a moral lesson.
3. Conforming to standards of what is right or just in behavior; virtuous: a moral life.
4. Arising from conscience or the sense of right and wrong: a moral obligation.
5. Having psychological rather than physical or tangible effects: a moral victory; moral support.
6. Based on strong likelihood or firm conviction, rather than on the actual evidence: a moral certainty.

n.

1. The lesson or principle contained in or taught by a fable, a story, or an event.
2. A concisely expressed precept or general truth; a maxim.
3. morals Rules or habits of conduct, especially of sexual conduct, with reference to standards of right and wrong: a person of loose morals; a decline in the public morals.

ethic

1.
1. A set of principles of right conduct.
2. A theory or a system of moral values:
2. ethics (used with a sing. verb) The study of the general nature of morals and of the specific moral choices to be made by a person; moral philosophy.
3. ethics (used with a sing. or pl. verb) The rules or standards governing the conduct of a person or the members of a profession: medical ethics.

i don’t have enough time or money or energy or money to do the things that i want to do. i don’t have enough emotional strength to decide what those things are anyway. i have however lost five pounds.

last night i slept on a torpid sea of unsettling dreams. the ensemble cast comprised every person who has ever been remotely important in my life and some people that i have not yet met. there was a scary kind of tragedy to the whole thing, which consisted mostly of emotional ups and downs and innumerable physical blockades – curtains that i got tangled in, doorways that looked open only to be made of bulletproof glass, mazelike apartments with too many doors that looked exactly the same. and nobody around me could understand why i was in such a hurry to get out or where the fire was. i didn’t either, but the more i hurried the more i was delayed, which caused my blood pressure to rise and i woke up with my heart thumping. i wanted to grasp it and i tried so hard to remember while i was drinking vodka in the kitchen at four a.m. but it was already long gone.

it was hard to go back to bed because there were spirits here last night. i just know it.

it’s been most of my day, every day, for a while now; that is why my posting is spotty at best lately. because there are things so impossibly scary that i cannot even talk about them here…