remind yourself that this is merely a vision without substance

ok it wasn’t a million hits. it was only 100,000. i feel stupid now because this grievous error makes 100k hits seem like chump change in comparison to what i thought it was.

dumb, emmie. dumb.

i am happy to wait because i never thought it would happen anyway.

possibly porn movies are to sex lives what mass media is to body image?

that is a fucking interesting concept right there…

heh. that was lame.

i am sort of running out of things to talk about i think. maybe that is why anal sex comes to mind? am not sure. but there it is.

i would just like to say that i can not even remember the first time i liked it. i remember the first (and second) time i hated it, because he totally did it WRONG. which is to say that the way he did it assumed i was a porn star who had loads of experience having my ass ridden and acting like it was enjoyable. instead of realizing that i was a kind of promiscuous high school girl who thought that anal sex was how you got hiv. it hurt so much (even with lube) that i think i actually kicked him in the stomach to get away from it. he looked so shocked like it didn’t register that it might hurt to have an eight-inch cock shoved up your ass. i probably should have offered him the experience with my favorite vibrator. but i wasn’t that savvy yet.

later on he actually asked if we could try it again. and i am so dumb that i said yes. again he left with bruises and i was confused and it still did not occur to me to boyfriend him at all.

at some point there came a time when it was interesting to me. i think once while masturbating i accidentally bumped a finger there and it didn’t totally suck so i did it again. somehow i wound up buying anal beads (which are heavenly when properly utilized). still did not feel i could share it with anyone i slept with for fear of being thought weird.

then when i was like 22ish they were discovered by the sexy older man i was dating. i was embarrassed and prepared to defend myself but he was totally into the idea that he’d stumbled on something else i enjoyed, something new with which to pleasure me. he was also very casual about everything and there were very few sexual practices i ever saw him balk at. i taught him how to use them and he learned, um, very very well.

then the beads got old and worn out and i threw them away and didn’t replace them. i didn’t obsess over them but he didn’t want me to miss anything, so it started with his finger and gradually evolved into larger vibrators. after a while i agreed to try anal sex again, with him, and it took some figuring to get it right. it is better missionary style than doggie style, easier too. and if you do it right you don’t even need that much lube, which is cool because i am too sensitive for those, they itch. and relaxation is very very important.

i am seeing a trend here. it seems that historically i have been open to the right things with the wrong people. and those people turn me off to things that could be perfectly enjoyable if correctly practiced, until someone comes along who is actually willing to listen and learn and receive constructive criticism.

sex is just generally so much better with people who pay attention to their partners and not to porn movies.

take it take it take it!!!?! how could you not jump on it drooling and squirming?

this is, oddly enough, an issue of privilege and confidence and the confidence that goes with provilage.

holy shit. take it right now before i barf.

we are almost at ONE MILLION hits. we should give something away to the millionth visitor. how fun would that be?

hey, random cyber person, i have a ‘58 chevy with your name on it.

ot: if we wrote a regular column for someone else’s online zine or something would you guys come read us?

i swear there has got to be a fucking way to make some fucking money. i mean besides hooking or stripping. which i would totally do if i owned a treadclimber which i can’t afford because i have NO MONEY because i don’t hook or strip.

i can write. in spite of the tripe i sometimes spew here there are times when i actually have something to say. and i am pretty good at saying it mostly. however the deadline thing concerns me – while i am good under pressure with most things it is hard to be inspired for free on my own fucking blog sometimes. how could i expect to be paid for having writer’s block?

have thought about “becoming an affiliate” for various and sundry crap places. or putting ads here on this very page (which would kill me, as you know, because it wouldn’t coordinate nicely enough with my color scheme). but i hate ads. and i hate marketing. somehow tv commercials are less bad than banner ads or telephone solicitation… another post possibly on that alone?

can’t someone just pay me to be emotionally fucked-up and have too little energy to do everything that needs doing?

please.

is this love? or helplessness?
it’s true when he talks i hear only whispers and see only the
shape of his mouth.
The desire lights me up like the sudden flare of a match. he makes me crumble and ties my
tongue in knots that my mind can not undo.
but how can anyone make you do these things he asks me. i try to
answer but instead melt like the melting of disappointment and
of hope.

i run through the corridors calling for him but my ears are gone
anyway so who cares?
i am only a shadow. and all this time no one
has seen me at all. they heard me maybe but didn’t realize what
that whispering noise was or that breeze. i never touched anyone.

oh god. please see me. i have to jump up and down and i scream and
scream and scream and i wake up and wake up and wake up. i try to
fall to my knees to beg but my arms are held up by marionette
strings.
but really i never moved. and all this has happened in one second
of him looking at me.

where is that light at the end of the tunnel, he sings to me. and
then he blinks and looks expectant. like a cat but not now, if you
look closely, more like a slavering dog. the drool. the fangs. the
mind is made up and it scares me more than dogs in little sweaters
or a beautiful girl. and there is nothing to do about it.

and then i see it is fear of her that is stopping me. her eyes are
this message in my head and i can’t get them off me. it all runs
like a night sweat nightmare that i can’t get a way from.

she’s doing it again. wtf. how to handle?
tell her to mind her own business?

her response will be: (hurt look in her eye) i was just being friendly. i want people to like me. i like people. i am interested in people. everyone likes me. if they don’t i might die. you are not interested in people. that is why people think you are mean or anti-social. here let me help you by not allowing you to be yourself and horning in on everyfucking thing you like to do and all the people you like. see see see?! everyone likes me and they don’t likeyou.”

but you know. it is almost starting to scare me. here it is.

in school i was mostly nerdy. people were mean to me. when i had the opportunity to be mean i often went with it. the social hierarchy in elementary school is ever changing but almost always perfectly clear. i was low but not the lowest. sometimes girl A or girl B would be below me and i would be goaded by the other litle girls to be cruel. this is the way little girls often are. kids are cruel and they know it is a cruel world.

in junior high i was mostly nerdy and then got cool. only because i realized that cool was attainable with only the minorest changes to appearance and attitude. and then add in to that a healthy disregard for what other people think of yoiu and then voila! you are cool. i was rarely cruel in junior high and high school at least not to those who were in my social sights. for instance i would certainly make fun of the people who were considered by themselves and other fools to be the popular kids. there was this constant irritation that someohow being popular was the thing you wanted to be. i tend to think of the columbine kids now when i think about that social structure. it was just that niggling goading injusticy feeling. injustice. because when you are in high school you have no idea that that social structure mostly crumbles and falls i later life. you have no idea that you will someday have power over yourself and that this childish artificial structure will be meaningless.

but anway the social hierarchy blurred and i no longer cared. i certainly knew how to be cruel tho still.

i could invoke that sort cruelness now if i were to see her “out”.

it’s scary that i could find myself with that urge or that possibility of feeling towards someone. it means that deep down i AM threatened by her. and not so deep down either.

its not like there are not interesting people here anyway. they are all over the place. and they are perfectly interesting and have cool thoughts. probably more interesting and cool than mine. but they are all older and in a different stage of life i tell myself. cop out? or not?

i oh so wish that she had not called me and told me this. i wanted the information. but i needed it from someone else. not tainted by her already freaked out weird perseption of the world. now, i do not know how i feel or how to act. somehow it is not okay to be me here. why woudl i feel that way? how can i call and just be myself if i am thinking like this? fuck.

why is everyone not constantly rejoicing in how fabulous i think i am. dont they want me to be happy? it is clear that they are all jealous of my brilliance. too bad they can’t get off their pleb asses and do the brilliant kind of things i do. oh yes, here is my moment to get attention, well deserved attention. i will tell everyone about it. but see, i am sort of humble. at least i pretend to be. are you fooled?

holy shit i love having sex with him. it is like a drug in that i will start out saying that i am not in the mood for a certain thing but he quickly (and skillfully) changes my mind. and in the end i don’t regret it.

he likes making me feel good. and i totally forget all the issues i have with skin, hair, etc. and feel like a fucking goddess.

all good.

it is weird because i am a person who is very into details. so when i tell you a story it is fucking critical that you know how the hair of the person i am talking about was styled because otherwise you will miss the nuances of the situation. it takes me two hundred years to tell you something that happened to me in five minutes. i know it, and i hate it, and i am working on it.

the problem is that when other people who are equally concerned with trivial things because they don’t think they are trivial come talk to me, my eyes start to glaze over and i tune them out. only the very very best of my friends don’t get this treatment (if you have to ask you aren’t one of them).

last night i was talking to one such girl and we sat for about an hour talking about personal things and she would complain about something in great detail (i’m sorry, did i get eye glaze on you?). then i would say something about my life trying to be helpful and let her know that i could relate (i was listening even though my eyes were glazed), and i saw her eyes glaze over too. we did that for a whole hour! it was freaky.

like when two people who are in the same industry have to talk to each other and they use their professional tricks on each other. like lawyers talking around the issues or doctors writing notes to their spouses in illegible handwriting. i once knew a customer service rep who was taught never to hang up on the customer, wait until the customer hangs up. when he had to call other customer service reps (who were similarly trained), they both said goodbye and waited for the other person to hang up. it took like ten minutes or something.

that shit drives me NUTS.

i spent a long time crying last night. which was unfortunate for several reasons. one being that i wanted to go to bed early so that i could get up early. and lo, i stayed in bed until 8:30 and also my face is all puffy. the other bad thing was actually that my boyfriend was not there. maybe it is a good thing. maybe i should have called him. maybe it was good because now i could talk to him about it with a minimum of crying.

it started out that i was just thinking about the neediness issue. So I am at a point in my life where I suddenly no longer have everything figured out. I am confused about almost everything. I am having to throw away many of my old ways of thinking and behaving and look for new ones.
< this must be unattractive and not so fun to be around for a significant other> it is a stressful process. And why am I going through it now? Age maybe as one reason. But also just situation. I am finally semi-stable and I worked my ass off to get in this position. Fully self supporting etc. so I am not longer only maintaining the basils of life. So now all those other thing I have been putting off dealing with. Family stuff. Well and also… I worked really hard to get in the position but now I hate it. I hate my job. It is killing me. But anyway. That’s a lot of negative stuff. I have confidence in myself that I will eventually work all this out. But otherwise my confidence levels are shot since my world is essentially turning upside-down. Will anyone want to be around me while I deal with these things? I have never had confidence that another person will stick by me in hard times. And let’s not blow this out of proportion. I am basically stable in all respects. Just realizing now that I have some hard things to work out within myself. And I think I am going to go ahead and ask my doctor for therapy.
I mean, is it so bad to ask someone to not abandon me?
Does that make me needy?
How can I make sure that I am around to help him deal with his problems too? Is that what neediness is all about? Focusing only on yourself and demanding others do the same?

it’s true i have been crying a lot lately. i used to never never cry in front of anyone. boyfriends that is. i guess because it would have been an unattractive girlfriend quality. now that i look back on that i think that was all wrong. i was really just holding them all at arms length to protect myself. anyway how could them listening to me cry have done me any good? well. i still don’t know the answer to that. except that when i talked to my BF about some of my family problems he was unbelievably helpful. he had a different perspective and he is smart and asked me all the right questions to force me to think about things in a new way and to examine the old ways. god i love him.

what does ‘i love you’ mean?

depends on who you are talking to.

omg. what does having a ‘real’ relationship mean anyway? pals? omg. i think i am going to barf.

I’ve never been much of one for needing people. at a young age i deemed it unwise to need anyone. everyone around me was too busy paying attention to my older sister. she received all of the positive and negative attention. so i pretty much looked to myself for support as i got older i continued in this vein. and it got worse.
it became that i was incapable of needing anyone. so that when i was upset or things in general were wrong i did not share this with others. and i realize now the worst part was that i did not ever share the positive either. i didn’t see the point.

this is fucked up in many ways. one of them being that my sense of perspective about my life is totally skewed in some insular fantasy direction.

suddenly my life is turned upside-down. i don’t even know why. but i feel a tremendous neediness. an overwhelming urge for feedback from people. and for emotional connections with people. but i haven’t the faintest clue how to do it.

something else that is weird is saying something to someone and watching it send them into a tailspin of horrible self doubt and hatred and all that nastyness. i didn’t do it on purpose. and i have to keep telling myself that that tailspin part of it isn’t actually my fault.

i feel like i am on the verge of being a better person somehow. i can’t wait. the better me is happier and more creative. but not nessesarily non-grumpy .. ya know, there are just some things one must embrace.

have you ever just been completely overwhelmed with love. so much so that you can’t stop crying?

so weird.

him: stop fucking me while i am trying to sleep!
her: stop sleepin while i am trying to fuck you!

…

i am usually very hermit like. and on top of being a hermit i am often emotionally closed off.

but lately i have been much less of a hermit and have had the desperate desire to … i don’t know. expose myself in RL to people. i feel like i crave sympathy