contrary to popular belief

February 9th, 2009 @ 19:01PST

everything is not my goddamn fault.

love, Administrator |

i feel like i am really close

January 10th, 2008 @ 20:54PST

the other day when i was reading through our archives i found some really good shit. we are fucking cool. there is easily enough material here to put together a book.

if it’s only my stuff i could call it “love, emmie”.

if it’s all of us i could call it “lifeinthebag”.

i don’t know if anyone would publish it. i don’t know if anyone would buy it.

i want to do it anyway.

love, Administrator |

letter to my some of my favorite writers and studio heads #824

January 10th, 2008 @ 20:48PST

PLEASE kiss and make up. please.

i NEED heroes. like NOW!!

love, emmie |

cut me some slack, please

January 10th, 2008 @ 20:44PST

i have been down with bronchitis and ennui.

rock band for ps2 is apparently stripped down and does not include the rocker maker, which is most disappointing since i already sacrificed the ability to download new songs by forgoing the purchase of an xbox 360.

worse still every single product description i can find on the major retailer sites say that the rocker maker is included, even on the ps2 version they are selling. retailer says it’s not their fault, manufacturer gave crap description. manufacturer has not yet responded to my email complaining about it…

i did my first budget and my boss liked it and almost even agreed with it! then he realized HIS calculations were wrong and therefore i passed with flying colors.

maybe i can do this management thing after all…

love, emmie |

i do not know anyone anymore

January 4th, 2008 @ 01:08PST

he cheated on her, with the neighbor, and everyone knew it.

she left today and destroyed some dvds he asked her to return for him since she was taking the car.

he is still crying and mooning around and says that he knows he fucked up. she is angrier than i have ever, ever seen her. i did not know she was even capable of anger.

she cried too, after she put a bunch of his shit in the sink and set it on fire.

love, emmie |

not an intruder, just the neighborhood banshee

January 4th, 2008 @ 01:05PST

the chick that lives one floor up from me kind of scares me with her really loud sex.

she is young and cute and skinny and i have seen boy looking at her sometimes which bugs me. since she moved into our building we have noticed that when she fucks somebody it is ridiculously loud.

on new year’s eve i was drunk and boy was too and we were all alone with only the dog in the house. we had stupid loud drunk sex for a couple of hours and the dog did not stir. just as we were falling asleep, dog starts wailing and continues barking at top volume for about 15 minutes.

because she was up there, fucking her boyfriend. *on a different floor.*

?????????

the worst part is that she has roommates who have to listen to it all the time. and they fuck each other too but very. quietly.

love, emmie |

holiday highlight #8923

December 30th, 2007 @ 22:45PST

boy (done opening gifts): merry christmas, babe.
me: wait, did you check your stocking?
boy: for what?
me: just check it.
boy (pulls stocking off mantle with knowing sideways look)
me (so excited i can barely sit still)
boy (opening decorative gift tin): ??
me: LOOK at them.
boy: tickets to see van halen. wow.
me: aren’t you excited?? (i am!!)
boy: sure. hey, this is a great dvd (checking out “planet earth” by bbc)

later that day…

me: i can’t wait, can you?
boy: when is the show?
me: march.
boy: oh good. then you have three months.
me: for what?
boy: to get skinny and hot so you can wear spandex.
me: ??!?!? (leaving room)
boy: it’s van halen. you *have* to wear spandex.

love, emmie |

also on my list of obsessions

December 30th, 2007 @ 22:38PST

as previously mentioned gh2 rocks. i also have played my friends’ gh3 which is even better. then they got me american idol, which is the first game at which i kick EVERYONE’S ass without having to learn the right combination of buttons or speed. add singstar to that and i’m almost set…

rockband special edition is IN THE MAIL!!

love, emmie |

smelly things

December 30th, 2007 @ 22:37PST

i am really not that girly but one of my very favorite things is a good shower gel that smells like food that’s really bad for you.

my most favorite for the past two years was philosophy’s old fashioned eggnog, which is simply awesome!! however they discontinued it in the full size (16 oz) and now only include it in a holiday trio (10 oz) along with something gingerbread which i don’t care for.

i went searching for alternatives and ended up at bbw looking for a gift for my sister. i didn’t find one for her, but for myself i found something called forever frosting which basically makes you smell like a cupcake. it couldn’t smell any tastier…

also for the holidays i ended up with some amber romance stuff, some pumpkin spice, and some warm vanilla sugar (all from bbw) and an old favorite, pear glace from victoria’s secret.

fuck peppermint! i smell ten times better now.

love, emmie |

failure at thirtysomething

December 30th, 2007 @ 22:27PST

while looking for soft-core porn on cinemax the other night i saw an interview between movies with an up-and-coming golden globe nominee, pussy ranch’s own diablo cody.

i nearly fell off the bed.

she is now my idol. i love her and i hate myself. she has been linked to gitb for years now!! and now she has published a book, moved to california, written what looks to be a really good movie (my lesbian friends confirm this, having seen it only last night), and is nominated for a golden globe.

i on the other hand have managed to double my salary in ten years with a company which is neither maverick nor rock star, kept the same boy for many years (an accomplishment, but it doesn’t pay so well), and oh yeah NOT publish a book or write a movie.

this feeling is like the one i had watching the cowboys lose to the redskins today (wtf?!?!) and also it is the reason i do not watch the olympics anymore. because seeing nubile teenagers who have million dollar endorsements and numerous gold medals simply depresses me.

i can’t wait until american idol comes back. then i can feel superior at least during the auditions…

love, emmie |

return?

July 9th, 2007 @ 23:51PDT

i hate to leave this place and think that it is all done. as long as our words are still here, we still exist, right?

however my life is ridiculously busy. and i feel the need for a new template, and the other girls are not participating much anymore, so… possibly my own brand new blog? i cringe at the thought of making a new template but you know that i could never use a stock one without modding it to scream emmie. also i suppose i would need a new domain name and i wouldn’t know where to begin to come up with one, nevermind a blog title. and publicizing a new blog sucks up so much time!!! that i don’t have anymore at all… these things make me so very very sad.

what makes me happy is that i have new friends. they are younger than me but still cool enough for me to like anyway. some of them are gay and i love that!! they like beer and barbecue (me too).

several friends are trying to convince me to write a book of some sort. i am still mulling over the idea of a collection of our works from here, post secret style (god i love that site!!). if i could convince ellie to do some illustrations for me it would be the bizzomb!! just like the old days.

one friend listened to me telling her the storyline of a short i wrote in high school. she then proceeded to give me ideas on how to expand that character into an entire novel. and it’s really not a half-bad idea…

do i have time? no. yes. i don’t know really. i know that i bbq a lot and i have gotten pretty good at a few songs on guitar hero 2 (easy only please and no doubles, sheesh!). my new friends text me a lot and that is new to me too. they taught me how to use T9 which had in the past always irritated the hell out of me…

i really really really want to write a book. i really want to blog. i also really want to make this blog into a book. what i do not want is a binding contract in case the well dries up. just a nice little nest egg to make up for my lack of 401k contributions for the past 10 years and some money for a new car would be cool. and of course some degree of notoriety which i did particularly enjoy here for a while…

must. get. sex. drive. back.

love, emmie |

i cut class today

October 12th, 2006 @ 14:32PDT

mental health day was totally necessary today. yesterday my phone would not stop ringing. i am working on compiling paperwork for four giant lawsuits. my coworkers noticed my snarkiness and commented on the same…

even though i left the office on time (read: after 8 hours) which is highly unusual, by the time i got home i could feel the tension in the form of sharp pains from the base of my skull all the way down to my feet, and in every joint and muscle in between. i literally curled up in my bed and cried for boy to please just touch my shoulders.

my best friend is generally much sharper and less trusting than i am. yesterday she uncovered what looks suspiciously like the same thing we did two years ago, where management asks us to train somebody while telling us they won’t take our jobs, and then they take our jobs. she blind copied me on an email to someone else pointing this out to them and then called me to talk about it. while i am totally glad that she realized this because i am not that bright, it was that for sure that killed my entire day and gave me all the stress pains. boy didn’t know what the hell was the matter with me, and i could barely speak through the tears enough to tell him. i feel guilty for being terrified and acting traumatized by the downsizing thing; i was one of the lucky ones who managed to transfer elsewhere within the company. but then maybe the people who got laid off are really the lucky ones – they got a nice sev package AND they could close the book on the company. my best friend and i on the other hand moved for temporary safety, but it’s now looking like we could be exposed and vulnerable any minute. which puts us back in the same boat as the other people, but with two years lost and nothing to show for it…

fucking outsourcing.

love, emmie |

and one more thing

July 5th, 2006 @ 20:42PDT

i don’t give a FUCK if my brother yells at me for it.

fuck him too.

love, emmie |

the gist of a stern talk i gave to my niece

July 5th, 2006 @ 20:41PDT

she is 13 and all her friends think “pimpin’” is cool.

i asked if she knew what a pimp was. she didn’t.
i asked if she knew what a prostitute was. she didn’t (!!!).
i told her what a prostitute is.
then i explained what a pimp is, and what he does. especially the part about keeping “his” girls hooked on drugs, taking all their money and doing none of the work, beating them up if they try to keep money or run away, etc.
i asked her if she thought that was cool.

she didn’t.

love, emmie |

haiku for myspace management

July 5th, 2006 @ 20:38PDT

your link “add your school”
appears higher on the page
than your “safety” link.

love, emmie |

haiku for myspace user 36742

July 5th, 2006 @ 20:37PDT

i don’t understand
why you must appear shirtless
you are just fourteen!!

love, emmie |

opinions please

July 5th, 2006 @ 20:35PDT

our verizon contract is up and boy has had his eyes on a nextel ruggedized phone for the longest time. so i priced out all the companies and compared their perks and penalties. t-mobile and nextel tied for best price, with different perks: t-mobile had a camera phone and data package, but no ruggedized phones. nextel had ruggedized phones and walkie talkie with no data package. last time i bought phones boy yelled at me for not buying camera phones which i think is stupid because i have a camera and i needed a phone. so then i got the idea that next time around i would get the camera phone and the data package, and he agreed. that was before he found out we couldn’t have it plus the rugged phone without paying a lot more. so i gave up the idea, which i had sort of come to look forward to having. and now his phone is rugged.

what i want is opinions on nextel’s customer service, because i placed our order online two nights ago, and they left me a message asking for me to call and give more info for the credit check. here is what happened next.

i did not have the phone number they left in the message which goes directly to the right dept. so i went to their site, logged in to check my order status, and called the toll-free number which appears on the page.

the first guy i got asked me for all my info including order number which i gave him. he spent a LOT of dead air time “looking at the account” before finally telling me i had to be transfered somewhere else. which i expected, so i waited patiently. the next girl on the line asked for my PIN code. i told her i only had an order number and explained my situation, which puzzled her. she transfered me somewhere else, where the lady answered the phone “thank you for calling alltel, america’s largest network”. this confused me somewhat but i assumed i’d heard wrong and launched into the explanation. she was also confused and asked me if i was a dealer or a customer. i told her neither, yet, because they wouldn’t help me complete my order. she transfered me again. a really nice guy answered “thank you for calling alltel, may i have your vendor number please?” at which point i stopped him and said, “wait, did you say ALLTEL? not NEXTEL?” he kind of laughed and said he was sure it was alltel. i told him alltel was my first choice but they don’t offer service in my state yet. then i asked him how on earth nextel customer service transfered me to alltel vendor service. he didn’t have an answer and wished me luck in reaching nextel.

the second time i called, same number, a woman answered and was quicker to figure out where to transfer me. in the process she disconnected me.

i called my voicemail and wrote down the number nextel left there, and called them directly. after five minutes on hold, i clicked the web chat button on their site. a sales rep quickly came on, and i explained my situation with my order number. his response (no lie) was to paste the link for “check order status” page, like i didn’t do that already. then he typed “it looks like it’s in progress.” which doesn’t fucking tell me anything at all. i told him i was returning nextel’s phone call and he goes, “did they give you a number to call?” so i told him thanks for nothing and signed off.

finally at the number they left on my voicemail i got a girl who was nice and knowledgeable and who listened to my story in amazement, then apologized. i told her i knew it wasn’t her fault and asked her what info they needed. she proceeded to ask me if my address was still 123 cherry lane (in case it changed from two days ago) and finally told me my credit was approved with no deposit required. turns out there was a conflict with my zip code in their system which happens a lot.

is this a harbinger of things to come with nextel? we used to be with sprint and their customer service was horrid. verizon we have really had very few issues with, but they aren’t outstanding. i am hoping and praying nextel will be good for us, and that in 2 years when my nextel contract is up i can switch to alltel (their “my circle” feature is just what the doctor ordered).

input welcome.

love, emmie |

mystery solved.

July 5th, 2006 @ 20:22PDT

i had wp set to email me every time a comment needed moderation, and the recent spam attack (300+ comment spam in one day) got my hosting co’s attention. they thought i was spamming myself. ha! i changed the wp setting and now all is well. i think.

love, emmie |

thanks for asking

July 3rd, 2006 @ 04:43PDT

i can’t speak for the other girls who i assume are fine. but i am fine. tired and in debt and overworked but fine.

there is too much comment spam here!! i am so tired of cleaning the blog.

i just got an e-mail from my hosting company saying “hey, we noticed you are sending out bulk e-mails, which we don’t agree with, but you’re free to do it, read our spam policy, your account will be disabled if you send more than 200 an hour.”

????????????????????

if they spent five minutes with me they would realize that i check my email at home like once a MONTH because i cringe at having to weed out the bulk shit i get.

i emailed them to correct them (politely) and ask for any info they have, since i use a totally different smtp server than theirs anyhow. it annoys me that they think i’m a spammer, i feel my reputation has been sullied in the worst way! spamming is one of those crimes where even if you are exonerated people always think it about you…

i miss blog. i miss you guys. i miss the girls.

love, Administrator |

fearful

March 30th, 2006 @ 22:54PST

first of all let me say cosmo has gone completely flaccid.

i used to relish it, but i bought a copy with lindsay lohan on the cover this month and it sucks balls. boy told me that only one of the “ten sex goddess secrets” actually works. and that you have to follow it up with some kick-ass oral anyway. so back to basics, yeah?

there was an ad for a weight loss pill which i will not name here for spammy reasons. the ad promises you don’t have to do anything except take the pills and you will lose 15-25 pounds in 4 weeks or your money back. i had one hand on the phone and the other on my visa card when i decided to google it. it is apparently very popular already in europe since most of the forum sites on it were in german or italian or french. however i did find a forum on 3 fat chicks that breaks down all the ingredients and what they do. it is apparently your standard diet pill. and with lots of complaints about backorders and misdirected payments, etc… so that would have probably been stupid of me.

they did have this one article about a girl who blogged and got caught by her employer blogging about her industry. she lost that job but had another one on hold but then lost that one too. but in the end she got a big book deal anyway and lots of PR.

what if i were discovered at work? omg. i can’t even think of it and still breathe.

someday i will totally shock you all by taking off the mask. and then you will probably ask for your money back…

love, emmie |

back, with a good excuse

March 30th, 2006 @ 22:48PST

and a crappy keyboard… boy broke it all while i was away!! i now have three computers without ms office which i need to spreadsheet crap and fix my resume! and i can’t find the disk either. also no photoshop or pretty much any other cool program. my thunderbird setup is totally lost and i am left with stupid webmail which makes me wade through eons of spam. i logged in yesterday and nearly puked when i saw over 1000 messages… some of them i am sure are important (renew your domain name or hey your bill is late etc.)…

i am clairvoyant or something. immediately after that last post about my dad this big family crisis happened that threw us together unexpectedly. for the last three weeks he has literally called me every single day. that’s more than he has called me the _entire_ time since i moved away (ten years now). i think it freaked him out a little. he made some wiseass crack about his cell phone bill.

it was odd too because my mother still really loves his family and vice versa and i know it eats him up inside. she has been polite and maintained her distance for a long time now. but this crisis was too big for her not to be there. let me just say that i had dinner in a mexican restaurant with both of my biological parents for the first time since i was like six. it was completely surreal…

and the ghosts there are just overpowering!! i kept staring hard at every person i saw walking along, in case i was related to them but might not recognize them since i never go home enough. and my dad called me stupid when i smoked a cigarette. my mom expressed her concern and then made me give her one. she proceeded to make silly faces and try to blow smoke rings at me the entire time. so they both accomplished the same thing, but i hate my mom a lot less…

i mentioned that i was not the only smoker in the family and my father totally bristled at that for some reason!! he took complete offense and demanded names. most of them are my cousins and i was like, fuck that! they do it and i do it and i am not going to rat them out like that. also he has known that i smoke for about ten years but he always pretends to forget. either that or he really does forget because he doesn’t think or know that much about me.

my mother told me i have to stop now. i asked her how old she was before she stopped hating her father. she said she still has bad days, and i said alright then, leave it.

the crisis is miraculously resolved. however i must share with you the joy of having to sit at the departing gate with frat boys to the left (no, you can’t take your cooler of beer on the plane) and cheerleaders to the right (CSU Cheer!!!!). there were also these five girls next to me who spent about an hour sharing their common brain cell to solve a people magazine crossword. it was fucking torturous, let me tell you!

airline chick: the flight is oversold and we are looking for volunteers to take a later flight. you will also receive a $400 travel voucher, a hotel for the night, ground transportation, and two meals.
crossword chick: does that include drinks?? if it does, we should totally take it!
crossword chick 2: what is a three-letter word for “guitar legend paul”? it starts with an “L” and ends with an “S”.
crossword chick 3: LOS paul!!
crossword chick 4: boobs?
me: *sigh*

i am not lying, i promise. i wound up taking a flight the next day, when the forecast was only partly ditzy with a 20% chance of spring breakers.

ugh.

love, emmie |

fuck off

March 30th, 2006 @ 22:35PST

are you serious? 300k hits?
for real? we’ve been blogging since 2002???

no…….

come on!!

see what happens when i go away?

love, emmie |

why dammit

March 5th, 2006 @ 10:36PST

i am really having an emotional crisis here.

i am at a total loss to understand WHY after all these years i am still so concerned with what my father thinks of me and his opinions!! my mother is the one who raised me, practically alone (with the help of a meager monthly check and not much else). i gave her hell and grew up to be sort of responsible but a little troubled, and i told her practically everything, including all of my fuck-ups. she always listened and offered advice and sometimes loaned me money even without me asking for it. now i have straightened my life out and she is there cheering me on.

my father, on the other hand, fucked up his marriage to my mother, and i didn’t blame her for leaving him. he lived in the same town for four years after they split up and then he moved out of state when i was ten. he then got re-married to someone much younger than him, and they moved back into my hometown when i was a senior in high school, almost out of the house. they lived 20 minutes away from me and he never called me, not once. one time i called him to ask if we could spend father’s day together and he wanted to know what the point was since i didn’t have a present for him. i was so upset that i hung up on him.

since i moved out of state ten years ago they have come to visit me exactly once, for a special occasion, and that was nine years ago. the only time he has ever called me is when someone is sick or dying (although the past two years he did actually call me on my birthday). she calls me back but usually about two weeks after i call them first.

my father is totally impressed that i can live where i live because it is not a cheap area. he is sort of under the impression that i make really good money too which i don’t (and which i never claimed to). my mother knows my actual salary and frets about me running up too much credit card debt (which i have).

so when it comes down to personal details of my life i have actually lied to my father and my stepmother to keep them from knowing the truth, while i usually tell the whole truth to my mother and sometimes cause her concern… i also have a problem saying to my father “you’re an asshole, why did you do this thing that hurt my feelings?” instead i just run away and cry for a day or two.

i know that part of this problem is my non-confrontational nature, where i sometimes have trouble standing up for myself. i have stood up to my mother a couple of times when i felt she was wrong or hurt my feelings, and she took it on the chin and apologized. it was still really really hard to do, but somehow it is actually impossible to do this with my father.

another part is that my father makes shit up in his head and then he believes it. and then he tells everyone around him in an effort to sully my reputation in the family. like after that father’s day thing, he told everyone that his only daughter didn’t buy him a father’s day present and that not only did i not even want to spend the day with him, but i actually hung up on him when he called.

so why? why do i care? i convince myself that our relationship is a superficial one at best, and i get okay with that. then he does or says something that makes me want more from him, and i let him draw me in, right up to the flame that burns my face off, again.

fuckin’ a.

love, emmie |

tiptoe

February 27th, 2006 @ 21:24PST

i am circling around the idea of attempting to publish part of this blog in traditional print.

leave it to me to go backwards… most people are trying to go from print to cyberprint. not me, boy. that is one thing you should know about me, i usually do it bass-ackwards.

although if you really knew me you would know that i fucking LOVE paper. too much to describe. i cannot ever imagine that there would be no paper at all… sorry trees!! my best friend is all into paperless crap and she yells at me for printing stuff that i could e-mail instead. i can’t help it!! it also helps me to physically write things. like when i type, things sound cohesive and organized but when i write with ink or pencil, that is when the omg creative things happen. i could totally learn to love paper made out of hemp instead of trees. i love textured paper so that might even work out nicely…

anyway i have used amazon exhaustively to find out how many blog books there are so far. i have found i think nine books that contain blog posts as a major part of the material. only two of them are of a single blog totally; the others are mix tapes.

i made a list of the publishers and saved it on my hard drive. just in case…

(i fully intend to compensate the other girls for whatever of theirs i use, btw. i am not an asshole like that. but do i need a lawyer to figure that part out?? i don’t want anybody to get gypped because i’m too naive to know what to do.)

love, emmie |

i swear

February 27th, 2006 @ 20:23PST

every time he touches me there it just gets better and better…

who would have believed that it was possible to be with one person for a long time and even doing the same thing and it feels different every time??

orgasms are the very best thing ever.

love, emmie |

speaking of which

February 9th, 2006 @ 15:09PST

am i totally horrible for logging into my mom’s email account to find out what she ordered me for my birthday?

i must know dammit!!

if it is any consolation i did actually almost cry at the sweetness of it… and i promise to act as surprised when i get it as i was when i found out what it was…

love, emmie |

February 9th, 2006 @ 15:08PST

you people have me worried, really worried…

nary a comment on the inexplicable increase in size of a male member with which i have been rather close for quite a long time now.

HOWEVER
one post about red meat and look at the nutritionists come out of the woodwork!!

i am glad that you guys can relate to the steak thing. does that mean i’m all alone on the size issue? or possibly i have just drained all the sexiness out of this blog and you guys therefore don’t know the topic when it does bite you on the ass.

it is almost my birthday. yay me!
not a physical vampire, probably an emotional one tho.
*smooch*

love, emmie |

werewolves of new london

February 4th, 2006 @ 20:46PST

there are times when i know that i am a carnivore.

if i go too long without eating some red meat, i mean REAL red and REAL meat (i.e. rare steak), i start to freak out a little bit. i can handle it for like a couple of months but after that something has to moo for me or i just can’t function. i think it is the iron more than anything else. but i have tried taking iron pills and it is NOT the same. i know it isn’t protein because i eat chicken and fish and i give blow jobs. but none of that will fill the void.

it nearly always happens around my period too, but just not every single month. as long as i have been eating a couple of servings of bloody red meat a month, it doesn’t get out of hand. but steak is not cheap, and i am, and so is boy. so it is hard to eat it very often. i am also kind of a steak snob (entirely boy’s fault). i used to not know the difference between choice and prime, but boy fixed that by taking me to the local italian butcher for a porterhouse. i have not bought a piece of meat at the supermarket since that day…

i have tried to explain this craving to boy, and he pretends to understand. but i think he thinks it is of the “i am craving chocolate chip cookies” variety, which it is NOT. it is probably more akin to a pregnancy craving, where i have heard some women say that the food they want consumes their thoughts until they get it.

sort of like men with sex.

okay, that is how i can make him understand… the way that men cannot function unless they get laid, i am useless until i get a bloody steak. yeah. he should totally get that.

like it started thursday, and i have literally thought about it at least once an hour since then. i did buy two steaks this morning but we have both been sick and did not feel like cooking them. a few hours ago i found myself eyeing them hungrily and actually weighing the odds of getting bacterial infection from just eating it raw… i wondered if i would like the taste of it.

do any other women know what i am talking about? i have only one friend who claims to understand this… am i a vampire?

love, emmie |

mean, i know…

January 28th, 2006 @ 13:23PST

actually she is starting to bore me. now that my drugs are starting to work.

love, ellie |

What she should have said:

January 28th, 2006 @ 11:01PST

“whatever, get up lazy ass. Put your shoes on and meet me at the pier. I hear satan is going to be there.”

love, ellie |

since he might be reading

January 22nd, 2006 @ 20:15PST

i also have been meaning to post this for like two weeks now. i am dying to know if this has happened to anyone else.

a couple of weeks ago i went down on him and all of a sudden i realized that his cock was huge. if he had ordered any pumps or pills i would know about it because he would be all proud and point out that he was doing it for me. he also does not shave there and never has, so it would not be an optical illusion.

he is over 30 and i swear to you his cock just grew significantly. it was also very noticeable during sex, particularly in the female superior position… omg. it just hit places that it seems to me like it hadn’t before. also i noticed it again the times since then that we have slept together so it is not like i wasn’t wearing my glasses that day or something…

this kind of worries me that i am thinking about it for two weeks enough that i remembered to post it. i always said size didn’t matter in general. i mean there was the guy who was freakishly small that i couldn’t feel at all, and there was the one so large that i fled in terror. but in general for averagely endowed guys, i never noticed the difference between 6 and 8 inches, until now.

does this mean that i am shallow? on one hand it is a nice (!) surprise but on the other it freaks me out a little because i can’t explain it. if i love it does that mean it wasn’t good enough before? and will it give HIM a complex? and what if i don’t love it but it stays this way, or what if it happens again a year from now??

interesting fact about emmie #783: stupid things often make me a nervous wreck…

love, emmie |

this is how i know he still cares

January 22nd, 2006 @ 20:09PST

hahahahaha

boy moved hard drives around in our computers and thusly cleared all programs and crap off. including firefox and cookies and bookmarks etc. so a fresh install of IE bleh, and i pull down the address bar to see which sites he has been to so far. this one is on the list.

i hope it is not too scandalous for him to handle. he has not mentioned it in a very very long time…

love, emmie |

oh crap

January 22nd, 2006 @ 20:07PST

denver is not going to the superbowl even though i wanted them to. roethlisberger is pretty fucking accurate i have to say. and denver just did not bring the defense at all. sigh.

also it happened again, on directv they have a “sneak peak” at the new season of something or other. i was so infuriated when i saw that!! it is just like when that chick in accounting sends me an email in smurf blue 12 point comic sans. or like the 11 messages of comment spam i just deleted (thank you wp for catching it).

don’t be mad at me either – i wasn’t deliberately keeping your comment from being posted because i disagree. actually you made several valid points that i was not aware of. but i just wasn’t logging on for several days now and that is why it is late. sorry…

love, emmie |

train wreck!

January 22nd, 2006 @ 12:52PST

omg there are a couple of blogs i read with some sort of compulsion. they are so bad! the people writing them the worst most lame and boring sort of generic confused sheep dazed by headlights. i cant help reading them!

love, ellie |

it just IS okay?!

January 21st, 2006 @ 12:45PST

she takes everything to the next level. and while you may think that that sounds like a good thing and maybe it is. but it is damn exhausting to be around. to try to keep up with? to compare yourself to? think about it.

imagine you discover something new something you are excited about. you tell all your friends adn for a while you get really into it. then this other person gets all into it too and you’re happy about it. but then its like they have no other life bvesides this thing. they get really good at it. know everyone else involved in it including the higher up bigwigs. meanwhile you feel all deflated and lame as all fuck.

you know?!

love, ellie |

it’s grey and cold out today.

January 21st, 2006 @ 11:06PST

cars are whooshing by and i am snug with coffee in my bathrobe. i love to be in this position.i have a book next to me and my ever present laptop open on my lap. sometimes it is more fun to watch the people moving below and to wonder what they are doing.

last night was good. i blew off my girlfriends and went to see a band instead. that one chick was there. she NEVER remebers my name. nevermind that i have had her over my knee and spanked her bare ass. and once i sat in her kitchen and ate delicious homemade pesto and pasta. it’s okay because i cant remember her name either.

stumbled on some friends and went to watcha movie at their house. i love any musical where they are wearing gold lame bikinis and simulating sex while all singing a song about coming. who doesnt?

love, ellie |

because it is slutty

January 16th, 2006 @ 12:41PST

i have always wanted a red bra. i would wear it with a white wife beater and black slacks. it would be hot. but i’ve never bought myself one. i dont know why.

love, ellie |

day off

January 16th, 2006 @ 12:19PST

freedom is a heavy load, a great and strange burden for the spirit to undertake.

love, ellie |

can’t stand it

January 16th, 2006 @ 12:12PST

i canty stand watching people fall apart. people you dont know very well and so see them though the eyes of unreality anyway. you see them as a fixture rather than real i mean. but then you see they are not a fixture. there is history there and personality that you know nothing about. forces beyond them and you. people they know that you dont know. it serves to show me how seperate people are. how we cant really know the people we are close to, not really. like how that snippy comment i made last night might stay with him forever and resurface 20 years from now. how you alway make snippy comments at me. how i take care of you when you faint in the hardware store how you dont take care of me ever. things are lightening a little for me. i can see people better. and i am not so insular. but there is a hidden fear of doing it wrong. that people are not forgiving.

love, ellie |

you know it and they know it but they can’t help it

January 16th, 2006 @ 12:04PST

you know that when something bad is happening to you and everyone you know knows about it that they are not only sitting around feeling sorry for you but they are looking at each other and saying, “oh man, thank god that isnt happening to us.”

love, ellie |

fuck. what a shitty thing to realize

January 11th, 2006 @ 09:43PST

either i subconsiously and through my own behavior attract and keep people who are assholes or it’s just a coincedence. which is unlikely. god! i have tried to distance myself from her so many times. it never works.
is it just me being paranoid? she disdaines me doesnt she? uses me? fuckfuckfuck.

you know how you sometimers think of ‘moviestarme’ you know like who would play me in the movie about my fantastic/boring life? well, she picked a fat, uneducated sloppy slut to play me.

FUCK HER

also, I WANT TO QUIT MY JOB.

love, ellie |

shitshitshit

January 11th, 2006 @ 09:31PST

i want to not go to work today. now the question is… do i go in and make a show of going in? or do i not bother? i mean, its possible that i could go in and then leave and then no one would notice really that i was gone all day. fuckfuckfuck.

love, ellie |

i also wanted to say

January 8th, 2006 @ 18:54PST

that it really fucking aggravates me when people write “sneak peak”. like on SHOWTIME’S website for the L word… dude, if you work at showtime can’t you afford a proofreader??? if you don’t have one would you like to hire me? because i will catch that error and a whole lot more…

and now let the mounting commence.

love, emmie |

pointless sociopolitical rant

January 8th, 2006 @ 18:26PST

i saw this commercial on tv last night for some new antidepressant pill. and it is interesting, how commonplace and casual depression is now. it used to be this big nasty secret in the 50s and 60s, right? mother’s little helper and mrs. robinson and so forth? it started me thinking and i basically sat around and said all of this to boy while he politely nodded and watched tv over my shoulder.

people not taking responsibility for their own shit is really really an issue for me. my annoyance with this sue-happy culture started with that court case where mcdonald’s gave the lady coffee that was too hot. (fucking a, it is COFFEE. don’t you want it hot??)

it has only continued with the big tobacco lawsuits (is there any such thing as HEALTHY smoke??) and fast food causing obesity (or a HEALTHY hamburger??) and yet another hot coffee lawsuit against dunkin donuts (god dammit, don’t you people read the news??) …

i agree that our society is pretty much vile and full of amoral shit and that prime time tv, cartoons, the radio, and even video games are not for kids anymore… magazines give little girls self-esteem complexes and movies glamorize smoking and the tv shows too much gun violence. yes yes and yes. of course yes to all.

now here is what i wonder though:

are the magazines WHOLLY responsible for the little girls’ low self-esteem? if there were no cosmo or glamour would little sally still be bulimic and think she has to blow some frat boy to get some love?

would a kid still become a smoker later in life if all the movies were prohibited from showing the heroes and heroines as smokers? possibly because he is genetically predisposed or because he wants to give his parents the finger?

so now we have the nature vs. nurture thing…

apparently depression is a chemical imbalance that people are genetically programmed for. and cancer has a lot more to do with chromosomes than we thought. and every kid whose parents have trouble concentrating have add.

here is my main issue and i am sure that some people will have counterpoints to this which is fine. but inconsistency is another one of my buttons, and if you are going to say that certain people need treatment because they can’t control their sex addiction/alcohol addiction/violent impulses and they are therefore SICK, then just declare the whole world fucked and get it over with. like i smoke, and i am addicted to smoking, and i know that it is bad for me but i do it anyway. because i choose to. and my grandfather, he drinks, and he is addicted to drinking, and he knows that it is bad for him but he does it anyway. yet i have a nasty habit which is hated by the public at large and he has a disease and gets the sympathy and the help from his insurance company for related health problems and a second, third, ninety-eighth chance when he falls off the wagon. after all, it is a DISEASE. this may sound dense but i do not understand why compulsive gamblers and sex addicts and gang members and alcoholics and junkies have diseases and people who smoke are just rude.

just the idea of a ‘treatment’ program implies that you cannot make your own decisions at all. people with cancer, aids, cataracts, anemia, appendicitis, irritable bowel syndrome, etc. need treatment because there is something inside their bodies that they cannot influence. that is very different from choosing to have a drink or a cigarette or a big mac or another round of roulette.

also it is interesting that nobody is going after the alcohol manufacturers like they have the tobacco companies (and to a lesser degree the gun makers). having smoking declared a disease would be a smart move for philip morris maybe… it is going that way for the gun makers according to a may 2005 study by harvard published in science magazine (it said that teens witnessing gun violence are 2x more likely to do gun violence.)

so how come nobody is suing the candy companies for making diabetics go into insulin shock? could it be maybe because diabetics know that they have diabetes and they don’t eat sugar that much?? and that is a bonafide disease. why can this logic not be applied to everything that is not good for people??

i am not lobbying to get smoking declared a disease or anything like that. i think it is just a habit that i happen to enjoy. like drinking and sex and gambling and fatty food and and and. if you declare everything that is bad for people a disease and beyond our control, then we have no free will left. that means that everything our constitution is based on is crap and so much for christianity and the notion of god, too.

i have been through a few different kinds of hell. you can count me in on paternal abandonment, emotional, physical, verbal, and sexual abuse, near-poverty, divorce, alcoholism, drug abuse, rape, stalking, sexual harrassment etc. yes i have been through all of that. and i am still here. and i get up in the morning and i go to work and i come home and i have a relationship with someone i love. and i do my best not to let shit bother me and when it does i blog about it. i am not on welfare but i cannot afford therapy and that is okay with me. i will suck up and deal like i have for the past three decades.

sometimes my life sucks. i have some health problems and i will die someday. it could have all been a lot nicer up till now.

and who will pay punitive damages when i do?

love, emmie |

he is still waiting

January 8th, 2006 @ 18:01PST

for me to go over there and mount him.

just as soon as i get it all out i most definitely will do that…

love, emmie |

prime time bliss

January 8th, 2006 @ 18:00PST

i am so happy. my favorite shows are coming back this week and next. hooray!!

i want a program that will write a personality profile based on my tivo season passes. here they are, in random order:

24
the L word
commander-in-chief
er
american idol (shut up, it’s funny)
the apprentice (i know the season is over)
south park
the daily show
saturday night live
weeds (where did it go??)
law & order: special victims unit
boston legal
desperate housewives
the e! true hollywood story
project runway

so what does that say about me i wonder?

ps: i am not a reality show junkie; i boycotted it after i realized that the real world wasn’t real at all (i think it was the seattle season). i picked up the apprentice and american idol so that i can participate in conversations on smoke breaks at work. project runway i started watching one saturday because i was dying to see the designs that a nobody who thinks he is somebody (hello austin) comes up with. the queenish melodrama is priceless on that show!!

love, emmie |

i was just wondering

January 6th, 2006 @ 20:15PST

how come nobody ever insisted that i listen to tmbg? i finally did and holy shit i love them. their songs are like blog posts, like the things i dream about. trivial stuff that nobody notices but me.

an entire song devoted to the glory of BANGS. yay!

love, emmie |

the only reason to watch the oscars besides the red carpet

January 6th, 2006 @ 11:38PST

jon stewart is hosting this year!!

i love that man.

love, emmie |

totally unexpected statement (i bet)

January 4th, 2006 @ 22:30PST

i fucking LOVE football.

love, emmie |

get your mind out of the gutter.

January 4th, 2006 @ 16:56PST

clearly it is not in the gutter at all. i doubt i have ever had so many comments posted to one entry so fast!

this must mean that either
a) everyone wants to talk about getting a good computer deal, or
b) the comment ‘boys are stupid’ is controversial

i will go back to my knitting now. wait, i can’t knit. or cook. hrm.

pretty much i write, fuck, and smoke. if i were a useless consumer product i would be a swiss army pen which includes a cunt attachment and a portable chimney.

ps: see wedding crashers. the ’shout’ montage is SO worth it.

love, emmie |

2006

January 2nd, 2006 @ 15:03PST

bad thoughts: lost but not forgotten.

love, ellie |

boys are stupid

December 31st, 2005 @ 10:41PST

yes they are. yup yup yup.

my aunt with the computer problem wanted a new one, a PC, and charged boy and boy2 to help her find a good one for under $1000. no problem, says me, she is not a hardcore gamer or a graphic designer or or or. she just wants to check her email and look at pictures of her grandkids etc. i’m thinking dell or gateway for under $600 which will make her real happy.

but the BOYS have to do it. and boy2 finds a coupon for 30% off a machine of $1000 or more. so he specs up a good machine and comes up with $850 after the coupon. boy2 is not satisfied with this at all because there must be a 19″ instead of a 17″ and there must be a whole gig of memory instead of just 512 and the speakers must have subwoofers!! (on this point boy1 and boy2 are in agreement)

all the while boy is declaring that he could build a machine himself for half the price. which he could because he does know how. however he is usually so overcommitted to helping everyone in his family do everything that his queue is full and his energy is low and it will honestly be next summer before it gets done. there is a time when convenience is worth the money dammit!

in the end they went up to $1200 even with the coupon….

and the last thing boy can say to me is “don’t ever argue with me about hardware again”…

love, emmie |

it’s all just endless worry

December 30th, 2005 @ 20:55PST

i never have anything interesting to say about anything.

i blame the mental disorders. folks without them will never understand.

love, ellie |

choices

December 27th, 2005 @ 19:58PST

i wonder… i made this choice to not be flakey starving artist. so now i slave away at an office job and support my starving artist friends.

i am a chump. god damnit.

love, ellie |

sheesh

December 27th, 2005 @ 10:11PST

actually i would like to find out what he likes from ME. not what he used to like from you.
ho!ho! HO!

serves me for taking a sex class from his ex.

love, ellie |

humbug, justified

December 27th, 2005 @ 09:56PST

emergency rooms and icu, people dying, marriages destroyed, seriously injured babies, sneak attacks by crippling debt, social workers and cops and little kids refusing to speak to their parents.

that pretty much sums up my christmas this year.

love, emmie |

re: strangelove’s comment on my last post

December 27th, 2005 @ 08:44PST

clearly you are new around here. thank you for your input; however, let me bring you up to speed.

you are correct that i don’t understand macs. however, i did not buy one because i wanted one; it came with my tuition – my graphic design tuition.

people “like me” who “don’t really know that much about computers at all in such great frequency” frustrate me too, since i worked tech support for nearly five years.

i do not blame customer relations for everything; in fact, i readily took the blame on myself for not reading the fine print. but my rep was not satisfied with that, he had to point out that the print “wasn’t actually THAT fine”… i was irritated with his attitude more than anything.

the reason my original tech support agent figured out that it was a format problem was because i told her that i had an ibook. she said right away, “oh, well then you don’t have a dvd drive, that’s the problem.” so it sounded to me like ibooks did not come standard with dvd drives, although i think that powerbook G4s did. even the cheapest windows machines have come with a dvd-r standard for a couple of years now. apple could also have just made tiger downloadable, as many companies do (norton, etc.), and avoided this problem completely. (microsoft could do this too.) also, microsoft.com sells XP on a CD, not on DVD.

i realize that mac and windows are far different, and this is one of the things i am lamenting. put simply, macs are just too normal and easy for those of us who learned everything we know (and can troubleshoot problems on) windows. it is like growing up in a town where the highway system is complicated and backwards and then moving to manhattan, where all the streets are nicely numbered and the addresses make sense.

i did put in two years of time learning graphic design on an ibook. that was a long time ago, and i do not have time any longer to learn anything not related to my primary OS, which is windows. my ibook was a pretty paperweight before i gave it to my aunt.

i don’t really give a shit if people turn away from macs or not… that is simply not my problem. however, i have worked in customer service/tech support/customer relations for the last TEN YEARS, and i know how to talk to a customer so that he or she does not feel like an asshole when i am done. do you?

you are wrong – i would not pay $300 to upgrade to winXP when i could simply buy a new machine for $400 that already had it pre-loaded.

merry christmas

love, emmie |

iFuckYouToo

December 19th, 2005 @ 20:39PST

i am going to start a customer service blog, i swear it. someday. just so i can post crap like this.

i worked in customer service for ten years. my mother was a customer service manager in the financial sector. she drilled customer service stuff into my head just by example when i was in my formative years.

one crucial difference: she is a virgo and stands up for herself. i am not and do not and will never. usually. (phone companies are the sole exception to this rule for various historical reasons.)

i have an iBook that i never use anymore. it is old and slow and i don’t like macs (shut up you mac freaks, that is not the point here). i took all my shit off of it and gave it to my aunt who did not have a computer and needed one desperately. not too smart, given the fact that i have years of experience troubleshooting windows, but i have to go online to find out how to uninstall a program on a mac. because she WILL call me when the iBook breaks.

and she did.

she wanted to check her AOL mail on the web, so I show her how to open IE5, which is what my iBook has. AOL’s site says “come back when you have a better browser, asshole”.

me: fine, how about IE6?
internet: not for mac os9 you don’t!
me: okay, how about firefox? i love firefox.
internet: try again.
me: ummmmmm… i heard great things about safari?
internet: mac osX please.
me: grumble grumble. fine, i will upgrade to osX.
apple: click here to order for only $129.00
me: what? no instant download? only a disc in the mail??? grrr. fine. *click*caching*

the disc comes in the mail and i am excited because it is black and scary and it is called TIGER. rowwwwwwwwr!! let’s load this shit and get my aunt off my phone every day (”is it here yet?”).

me: load osX please.
iBook: i don’t know what you want to do.
me: i said, load osX.
iBook: i don’t understand that.
me: um, READ THE DISC.
iBook: what disc?
me: THIS disc.
iBook: ohhhhhh, that disc. should i format that disc? formatting will delete everything on it.
me: nooooooooooo!

tech support: may i help you?
me: my iBook doesn’t like the disc. it wants to delete it.
ts: iBooks don’t read DVDs, only CDs.
me: huh?
ts: you can exchange your DVD for a CD.
me: sigh. how?
ts: download this form and pay $9.95 more for taxes and mail it in. they will send you a postage-paid box to return the DVD along with osX on CD.
me: grumble grumble. *download*pay*mail*

letter from apple tech support: you forgot to include the DVD, we need that first.

tech support: you have to send in the DVD first.
me: that is not what i was told.
ts: you could talk to customer relations. they are open for twenty more minutes.
me: *holding for 30 minutes*hanging up*giving up*

after my third phone call to try and get customer relations i finally got someone named anthony. he was snippy from the start.

me: nobody asked me if i wanted a DVD or a CD.
anthony: if you look on the order page, there is a list of system requirements…
me: yeah okay, i know, most customers don’t read the fine print, that’s my fault.
anthony: well the print isn’t actually THAT fine…
me: OKAY, i will take the hit on that one. i just think it would be nice if you offered the option of a CD format on the order page.
anthony: well CDs are very expensive to produce, most of our customers have at least a DVD drive.
me: oh, so you didn’t sell many iBooks then?
anthony: we actually sold quite a few of them.
me: well i don’t understand why i have to pay to ship this back when tech support told me you would send me a postage-paid box.
anthony: as a one-time exception i could send you the disc for free if you will mail back the DVD.
me: i already gave my credit card for the extra taxes, i just don’t want the hassle and cost of mailing this thing back to you! can’t you just send me a box??
anthony: it is actually easier for me to just send you the disc for free.
me: fine, whatever.
anthony: call them and tell them not to charge your credit card.
me: yargh.
anthony: and if the disc doesn’t get to you by say end of next week, just shoot me an e-mail.
me: grumble grumble.

he was really kind of snide and had to have the last word on fucking EVERYTHING. like me in my prime on my worst customer service day ever. which i will share with you, since you asked.

i had been on a tech support call for 20 minutes, apologizing and agreeing with the customer that the website was deficient and offering alternate solutions to get her what she wanted. she just did not give a shit about solving the problem, and my call queue was WAY backed up. so i decided to end the call.

lady: so what you’re saying is that you don’t want my money?
me (in end-call mode): yes ma’am, that’s exactly what i said. didn’t you hear me?
lady (screaming): WHAT?? i want your supervisor’s name and phone number!!!!!!!!!
me: here is the information you requested. is there anything else i can help you with?
lady: *click*

she never did contact my supervisor, who i told about my call-end tactic. she got a big chuckle and probably would have written up someone who wasn’t me.

my point here is that based on this anthony character and the annoyance of apple’s “media exchange program”, along with the idiocy of the mac system, i will NEVER buy a mac again.

love, emmie |

minor annoyance #873

December 19th, 2005 @ 20:14PST

sharing a computer with boy/any version of windows that has mandatory profiles for each user. why you ask?

because he uninstalled iTunes which foococked ALL OF THOSE TRACKS that i paid $.99 for; now my media player cannot find them somehow.

because he changed the default image editor to be some nero program instead of what it rightfully should be, photoshop cs (i have a certification in graphic design, hellooooooooooo).

because zonealarm now locks all internet activity after 5 minutes of idle time and i keep forgetting.

stop fucking with me!!

love, emmie |

girlsintheinternationalbag

December 19th, 2005 @ 20:07PST

i haven’t been posting or checking blog stats in so long that i totally just realized sitemeter added all kinds of nifty geographic location-tracking stats! a graphical map of hits and so forth.

girls: do you realize we have visitors from finland, egypt, australia, morocco, belgium, saudi arabia, germany, the uk, turkey, india, korea, croatia, bosnia-herzegovinia, etc.???

that is SO fucking cool. you guys should all totally say hi, however you say it where you are from.

love, emmie |

the moral of the story

December 19th, 2005 @ 19:16PST

is that apparently alcohol makes me more forward and multi-orgasmic.

so another round then, right?

love, emmie |

okay okay

December 19th, 2005 @ 19:15PST

the other night i tied on a few. only a few. because we knew the bartender. there is a drink i really like, it is called a sicilian kiss. it is half amaretto and half southern comfort. i drink it as a shot because i drink everything as a shot. because shots are all i love in this world…

so there was a private party at the bar but we didn’t know that. so we went over there after dinner and even though they were checking names bartender got us in. he served us for two hours on the party’s tab, which i felt kind of crappy about. but he told me to shut up because there was nothing better than free drinks.

boy was with me and he stepped out to smoke (i stayed in to keep our spots at the very busy bar). i hate not being able to smoke in a bar anymore, it is fucking blasphemy!! however while i was pondering my next shot, this olderish guy came up next to me and ordered a drink (where boy used to be sitting). he kept turning his head to look at me while waiting for his drink. i totally ignored him and kept my eyes on the football game (which i was actually watching but it was a commercial). he leaned over and touched his shoulder to mine (don’t do that unless you are my friend). and he went, “whatcha watching?” and i went “denver and buffalo.” and he went “is it INTERESTING?” like as if he didn’t believe that i actually like football (everyone knows it is too complicated for silly little girls) and i said “YEAH.” and after that he got his drink and left, and then boy came back. and i was so glad that i squeezed his thigh for like ten minutes and nuzzled his neck too.

i managed to catch a light buzz after like five mixed drinks and six shots. it took a long time for some reason, usually i am way cheaper than that.

we went home and watched the other game, the one i tivo’d earlier in the night. but then i distracted boy by pretzeling him with my legs and breathing on his neck. and it was way more fun than football….

usually he gets off twice and then i get off once. this is not because he is selfish; it is more because (as i have stated before) when i am done, i am usually DONE. like it annoys me physically to have any more, so i save it up for one big hurrah and then call it quits. but not this night…

i actually got off three times in the act. then i tried for a fourth and it didn’t work out right away, so boy went to go get a drink. while he was gone, it did work out, and he came back to me writhing and screaming (without him). and he watched and was like “wow, was that four?”

and all i could do was gasp for air.

love, emmie |

proud moment

December 19th, 2005 @ 19:05PST

i took a three-day business trip with like four hundred of my colleagues. i met people and even liked some of them.

i did not drink myself into a stupor nor embarrass myself.

YAY!!

you don’t understand, this is a serious accomplishment for me…

love, emmie |

i am the first one to admit it

December 19th, 2005 @ 19:03PST

i am such a water sign in so many ways. i totally adapt my speech and accent to the situation. like if i talk to someone from back home, i slip right back into the southern drawl that I NEVER HAD TO BEGIN WITH… i have seen miracles worked and men fall to their knees at the feet of my mother, who is the epitome of a genteel southern belle. it is really damn easy to get whatever i want when i talk that way.

when i am home though, with all these yankees who speak so aggressively, i tend to do it too. for a long time i didn’t but then i realized that they can’t actually HEAR anyone who doesn’t yell and sound angry all the time. this generally results in me sounding like i am stark raving mad about teeny tiny things and sometimes i have to check myself (though nobody around me seems to notice).

also i have noticed that at work i have this tendency to sort of figure out someone’s neurotic sticking points and just let them have whatever they want. it’s a very wise picking of battles kind of thing and leads to me being pretty well-liked by those around me. however the big problem with this is that i simply can NOT apply this to my personal life… at home i am a control freak and must be right all the time. possibly this is because i give too much to people at work??

i am truly a creature of comfort though. water signs tend to be very adaptable, and where my living/working situation is concerned, anything where there is a habit (smoking, cursing, etc.) i am pretty much an asino.

it is kind of weird being a contradiction in terms like that. it actually keeps me awake nights because i want so badly to be able to just CLASSIFY myself. that comes from high school clique angst, i just know it (girls, back me up on that one).

love, emmie |

holy crap

December 19th, 2005 @ 18:56PST

i never did realize how truly dirty a COOKING show can sound, if you just close your eyes and listen to the dialogue…

hee.

love, emmie |

not taking the bait

December 19th, 2005 @ 18:55PST

one time i wrote something dirty about santa claus. and it was like fucking crickets out there… nobody responded at ALL i think which is worse than even bad responses…

i still would totally fuck santa though. given the chance, i mean.

love, emmie |

you will like this haiku

December 18th, 2005 @ 16:52PST

I like this girl’s blog
Been reading it for two years
You will like it too:

under her thumb

love, jane |

i bet

December 14th, 2005 @ 09:52PST

you’re all wishing emmie would get on here and post something interesting about sex.

me too.

love, ellie |

random

December 14th, 2005 @ 09:49PST

not feeling festive at all.

really the best thing to do is to become a hermit. if i cant say anything to anyone no one can be pissed at me or offended.

if you turn a light in a room on where someone is sitting and watching a movie and then you leave with out tuning th elight off and the person watching to movie asks you to turn it off… do you get pissed at the watching person?

i hate it when people need constnat approval.like how many time a day do i have to smile and nod and say good job? unless your like 3 years old you better not need that shit from me.

love, ellie |

helpless

December 14th, 2005 @ 09:10PST

i’m feeling quite helpless and sad this morning. its not a good way to wake up i’ll tell you.

i’m in a rut and my brain is not functioning as i would wish it. i cant tell if it’s it me or if he is just a prick. and when i think that i get pissed even more because listen, if we get in a fight and i SAY that. dthen immedietly all the onous is on me. it immedietly makes everything me and my brains fault.

i am willing to admit some part fault. but not all of it?! that is just not correct.

i just cant ever seem to break even. i’m getting more and more paranoid, nervous, anxious, angry and sad.

it is clearly time to break into the meds.

but to be honest. i know why i havent broken into them before. it’s because every time i mention it. he start talking about how good exercise is for you and how it helps make you feel better. and also eating right, it helps with depression did you know?

yes fucko i did know that. also meds help too.

i want to say, yes i know you had a bad experience with meds. i know about it. you told me. i sympathize with that experience. but your experience isnt mine. can you please just be supportive of me right now?

love, ellie |

why does it go this way?

December 12th, 2005 @ 20:00PST

her: when are you going to make me _______

me: well i could make you a small ________

her: well, i dont want that.

me:(offended and thinking) well FUCK! excuse me for not spending every moment of every day making shit for you!!!

love, ellie |

not pc of me

December 8th, 2005 @ 21:46PST

i wonder why people who want gender reasignment always go for a STEREOTYPE of gender-ness.
a boy who feels like he should have been borna girl because he is not loud or violent but soft and nice and colorful and frilly clothing? wha?
i am a girl who feels okay withhving been borna girl. yet i am violent, loud, hate colorful and frilly clothing.

why are those reasons?

love, ellie |

December 8th, 2005 @ 21:36PST

other pathetic people are sympathetic? why not me?

love, ellie |

the other day

December 8th, 2005 @ 20:54PST

i was reading something and that phrase “she just lies there” came up.

now what exactly does that mean anyway?

if you think about it, if you are a small girl and some huge guy is on top of you pumping away it’s pretty hard to do a lot of moving. y aknow?

so what exactly does that phrase mean?

love, ellie |

on an entirely diff. note

December 8th, 2005 @ 20:52PST

i’ve been really digging on 69 lately.

it’s so very very dirty!!

love, ellie |

suck

December 8th, 2005 @ 20:51PST

i am very unhappy with myself right now. i feel like a non-person.

like an asskisser. or a grump. neither is good.

i wish i was a different person right now.

i also wish i was some how a sympathetic character.

love, ellie |

haved you ever…

December 7th, 2005 @ 09:19PST

noticed that al lot of peoples motivation stmes from old high school anxieties?
it bugs me when i suddenly realize that about someone.

the stero type would be the skinny kid in high school who as an adult works out a lot to build up muscle and is now huge.

the one i encounter quite a lot are the the people who were nerds in high school and now seem to be over compensating

i’m not talking about people i knew in high school. although there is that one… but i’m talking about people who i am friends with or know now. they identified or were labeled nerds. and now they expend a lot of energy to know ing whats current and cool.

i guess i am not condeming that in anyway.

maybe there are people out there who were labeled dumb in high school who are now winning the nobel prize and discovering cures. like how albert einstin was told by a teacher that he should give up on school.

i think what i actually envy about these people is that at least they have some kind of thing driving them. it might be uncouncous.

i need some goals. some drive.

i feel like my younger self was deprived of the proper world view that would have shown me so many possiblities.

i get stuck on little things. people who get stuck on little things never get anything big done. and a bunch of random little things does not a big thing make.

now why do i feel like i have to accomplish a big thing?

clearly i need more coffee this morning.

love, ellie |

sad-ish

December 4th, 2005 @ 11:08PST

sometimes i wish someone would expend some effort in an attempt to be friends with me. the past couple of weeks i made a huge effort to reach out ato a couple people.it was hard for me. and i got nothing in return. and now i feel sort of bad and like i suck. and like no one likes me. and that i am totally weird and uninteresting.
god damn it is a terrible feeling.

still! i was really hoping to be friends with that one girl. i so need a good girlfriend close by. and she seemed so similar to me. we hung out that once for like an hour. i proabably came off like a total tool or something. ugh.

love, ellie |

you can tgell can’t you?

November 30th, 2005 @ 09:10PST

that i am still hugely bitter about that break up. sorta.

i am bitter about the break up but not the loss of the boy.

love, ellie |

once

November 29th, 2005 @ 09:53PST

i had a boyfriend break up with me right after new years.

for new years eve we had gone out to this big party and gotten a hotel room. he was shitty to me in the hotel room before we left for the party. and then while we were there he was a lump. but that was usual.
we got really drunk and fucked when we got back to the room.

3 days later he broke up with me and moved out.

i felt really gross about that drunken sex we had had a few days before. like, if he was going to break up with me why did he fuck me? that’s mean and nasty. it made me feel like a whore in a bad way.

it just made me feel horrible. betrayed. used. and worthless.

love, ellie |

one more thing

November 29th, 2005 @ 09:48PST

think about all the little things that you “put up with” in your spouse. there are lots of things i bet.
will they one day make you fall out of love? will you one day 15 years from now look up across the breakfast table (do people have those anymore ?) and realize you are staring at a stranger?
how do you keep connected with the people you love?

if you diont have connections with people besides your spouse how can you keep that one connection over time? having only one connection is not healthy. thus my easrlier point about support network.

now doesnt that make sense? hey you boys out there? doesn’t it?

love, ellie |

also

November 29th, 2005 @ 09:40PST

thinking about the other things that keep us going.

our egos.
cluelessness.

what else?

love, ellie |

support network

November 29th, 2005 @ 09:40PST

i can not emphasize enough just how important having a network of friends and family is. it is so easyt to lose perspective. and sometimes you dont even know you’ve lost it.

i’ve noticed that men tend to be more isolated. less able to have good support friendships.

do you agree?

love, ellie |

poor thing

November 22nd, 2005 @ 10:05PST

man. it must SUCK royally to be the fat ugly snaggle toothed sister.

love, ellie |

i want one!!!

November 17th, 2005 @ 10:12PST

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2005520728,00.html

love, ellie |

i want one!!!

November 17th, 2005 @ 10:12PST

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2005520728,00.html

love, ellie |

i want one!!!

November 17th, 2005 @ 10:10PST

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2005520728,00.html

love, ellie |

every once in a while

November 17th, 2005 @ 10:03PST

we had a link on the sidebar not but a year ago. i cant remember what the site was called. but it seemed to be all about this guy and how his wife wasnt fucking him enough.

everyoonce in a whle i randomly think of this guys blog and how fucking stupid and retard he must be.

his posts would be like whiney and like “oh why does my wife not come home from work, see me sitting in the arm chair and then instantly do a strip tease and then tell me i am a slut and suck my cock for 3 hours”

hahaha. DUMBASS!

i can think of like 400 reasons why that never happens. and another 400 reasons why that dumb bitch should divorce him instantly.

but first the three most important and crucial questions for him:

1. how often do you wash your undercarriage?
2. how often do you clean the house, go grocery shopping etc?
and 3. how often do you wash your undercarriage?

one mans journey to marry a whore.

i mean. i could go into details aobut this in referance to my own life. like how having sex with a sweaty dirty partner is bad for women. it causes infections. and how if there are a million chores to be done sex just becomes one of them.

my advice to that man would be. hire a maid, get your wife a massage and milk and honey bath, get on your hands a knees witha toothbrush and scrub the base boards (this is her after work fantasy mind you) and then eat her out for 3 hours.

love, ellie |

a woman’s curse

November 17th, 2005 @ 09:46PST

i first moved in with a man when i was 19. he was 34. it was pretty great. he was all kind of things but most of all, adnd this is important when you are 19, he was fun. he was up for anything and had experience and i loved it. also, he knew people in this big bad city and i didn’t. we roamed the citys nooks and corners, drank in dive bars, `smoked dope in a strangers living rooms, had threesomes with pretty girls and were mostly disorderly and bad bad bad.

maybe its karma or something.

one of the things about this fist man i lived with was that he never bought soap, shampoo or conditioner. he would just use mine. and i was poor. and even tho i was poor i still liked ot buy the nice salon kinds of shampoo and conditioner. i needed my mohawk to be silkuy and smooth for fucks sake. it was a mystery to me tho. what did he wash himseflf with before i came along?

to make a short story long… i just let my shampoo and conditioner run out and never brought anymore into the house again. yeah, it was passive agressive of me. but so fucking what? i could wash my hair at the gym.

but so it goes. everyman i have lived with since has done the same thing. why oh why can they not go buy their own fucking shampoo and conditioner.

this one i live with now… when my super fancy expensive stuff starts getting low he will gaze around the bathroom and heave a long heavy sigh. “whatever shall we do?” he wonders aloud.

and then i start screaming in my head.

love, ellie |

day 2

November 17th, 2005 @ 09:39PST

i put on these formerly baggy pants yesterday… they were fresh out of the dryer so i thought the tightness was okay.

this is day 2. and they are still tight.

and if anyone says, “oh you just got married. everyone gains some weight”.

i will kill you.

love, ellie |

no clue

November 14th, 2005 @ 10:06PST

so i went off and got married recently. and that’s, of course, why i am starting to get all het up[ about babies and shit.

people are all up in your business when you get married and i can see that that is even more true when you have a baby. SO MANY people i know are having these things.

so far i have liked all my friends babies quite a bit.

but the things is… my mom gave me a big leacture about how i should be a stay at home mom. last night. for no reason. she just started in onme. and then she rail;ed on everyone else we know who ever once had someone else watch their child for one second.

I WAS A STAY AT HOME MOM. she frothed at me.and i loved every second of it. except for the tediousness boringness of it all.

well whatever!

what i dont get is why everyone insists it has to be done one way.
is it not perfectly clear that everyone makes choices on baby rearing and everything fucking else based on their own circumstances and preferences?

ellie, married. hahahahahaha. it’s funny, no?

love, ellie |

how many times do i have to tell you?

November 14th, 2005 @ 09:58PST

DO NOT get mad at me when i am mad at you for being shitty.

do you SEE how that does not make sense?

ewll, in a way it does make sense. here is the senario:

you say or do something univeraly recognized as shitty.
i call you out on it and get mad
no one likes to be shitty and so you have a twinge of guilt that you turn into being mad. its like yelling at the messanger.

now that i have worked all that out for you in plain english you can stop doing it now.

thanks fuck-o

love, ellie |

how many more bagels?

November 9th, 2005 @ 21:32PST

and chocolate bars and new pairs of jeans before i get serious about a diet? damn. i seriosuly can not fit into my smallest jeans and now i cant fit into my favorite jeans. i think i’ve gained at least 20 pounds. holy fuck. that is so not okay.

but i’m hungry all the time and depressed.

love, ellie |

must remember. be:

November 9th, 2005 @ 21:30PST

charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable charitable

love, ellie |

more about baby factories

November 9th, 2005 @ 20:56PST

i do actaully plan on having a kid someday. in the next couple of years.

what scares me th emost is that like, i fucking hate paying attention to other people. it drains me.

my own mother was the same way. and well i guess i turned out sort of okay. i guess i can stop worrying about that then.

love, ellie |

ellie is a big fat jerk

November 9th, 2005 @ 10:39PST

also, i have to say that i just hate and am seriously annoyed by the amount of blogs out there about women who are desperate to haver kids. WTF? why do they have to be baby factories? i have no clue. but like the sheer number of infertile women who spend so much spiritual pain and tear apart themselves and their families because of this. i just DO.NOT.GET.IT. so you find out you cant have a kid. adopt or something. which i know can be super hard. but FUCK. BE a fucking foster parent. that is NOT HARD. any fucko off the street can be one. how about you shut your fucking traps and do some fucking good. you have so much love in you that you need to share it? help a fucking foster kid who is having a fucking shitty ass life. fuck. no really. fuck you you selfish stupid hobags. what? a foster kid isnt a cuddly baby of your own genetic crappy material? well fuck off then. i hope you fall off a cliff and take your whiney husband with you.

love, ellie |

some vitriol

November 9th, 2005 @ 09:42PST

i just really fucking hate it when someone makes a snap desicion or a sweeping descion.

or like, if something didn’t work for them in the past it will never work for them or anyone ever.

do you know how fucking irriting that is? it makes me so mad. how can i fight such an attitude. how can i keep my own individulaity in the face of such an attitude?

love, ellie |

for the gallery of stupid thoughts

November 4th, 2005 @ 23:51PST

are hairdresser and aerobics instructors and the like naturally loud and talkative? or does one become loud and talkative out of boredom if one is an aerobics instructor or hair dresser?

love, ellie |

bad thoughts gallery

November 4th, 2005 @ 19:54PST

sometimes i write down all my bad thoughts into an open unaddressed email.

then i delete it.

what if i sent them to myself? what if i sent them to the person they were about. what if i posted them here?

then you guys could berat and beat me up even more than i already do for myself.

wouldn’t that be great?

love, ellie |

maybe it’s wrong of me…

November 4th, 2005 @ 19:52PST

but i stopped even considering inviting her over once i realized that she would rather die than have to use my bathroom.

i know i tend ot be messier than most. and i know she tends to be pickier than most.

but please.

so let’s just call this whole thing off.

love, ellie |

what say you?

November 4th, 2005 @ 08:13PST

my secret theory is that human evolution was not quick enough to keep up with our technological discoveries.

lets get back to basics and start dying of childbirth and churning butter and tending goats..

love, ellie |

thank god for craziness.

October 18th, 2005 @ 15:48PDT

i spend a lot of time wondering how it is that i am such an asshole. how could anyone one susatinably love me? is it because other people are also just as fucked up as me?

will it be me in a few years calling and begging to sleep on your couch because i just can’t take it anymore?

its all about overstimulation. and personality type.

imagine you are in a small room. a closet sized room. the walls are white and shiney, just a tad reflective. in the room are a crying baby and your work computer.

you have to get your work done and you have to take care of the baby. step one is to make the baby happy, make it stop crying, fill it’s needs. you do it. you turn to your computer. you try to get into it. once you do the baby starts crying again. you soothe it. you turn back to your computer. you can see the babys reflection in the walls from the corner of your eye.youcant stopthinking about the baby. you pick upo the baby again. you cant stop thinking about work. you can see the emails rolling in. there is nothing you can do about it.now imagine that god is in the room with you telling how to do everything. you’re doing it wrong. do it this way. no this way.

love, ellie |

i suppose i’ve turned into a perfect frump

October 18th, 2005 @ 15:33PDT

“but since then it had been slowly dawning on her that she produced the same effect on others. her entrances were always triumphs; but they had no sequel. as soon as people began to talk they ceased to see her. any sense of insufficiency exasperated her, and she had vague thoughts of cultivating herself, and went so far as to spend a morning in the Louvre and go to one or two lectures by a fashionable philosopher. But though she returned from these expeditions charged with opinion, their expression did not excite the interest she had hoped. her views, if abundant, were confused, and the more she said the more nebulous they seemed to grow. she was disconcerted, moreover, by finding that everybody appeared to know about the things she thought she had discovered, and her comments clearly produced more bewilderment than interest.”

love, ellie |

epiphany #387

October 13th, 2005 @ 21:16PDT

so i was watching a downloaded clip from one of the girls gone wild series (dorm fantasies or something, i think). figuring the feds are not going to go after me for stealing footage from this jack-off, who i heard is using tits to raise money for hurricane victims… whatever…

anyway i am watching two pretty blondes in a dorm room that they claim to share. the cameraguy asks them if they like each other, etc. and they giggle and start kissing and stripping. he asks if they have ever “played around like this” before, and they giggle and say no and keep kissing and stripping.

i thought the girls gone wild thing was just some guy with a camera making girls flash their tits. which i could probably watch for a while and be entertained, given the supposedly candid nature of it and the ambush element and a varying assortment of breasts to evaluate. that is kind of what i was hoping for, in fact. instead i got a run-of-the-mill porn clip. sigh.

the girls had french manicures and arrow-shaped bikini waxes and belly rings. they had no roots in their bleached blonde hair. they were altogether too eager to eat pussy, which i think it is fair to say has intimidated most of us at least a little on our first trip out.

so maybe he had them practice a few times beforehand? good for him, good for them? or maybe they are wannabe porn stars who think this will be their big break? bad for them, because it won’t be. he is not in the starmaking business and they will probably be paid far less than the girls who work steady for the same video company and have stupid names that sound edible (i hear some of them actually get contracts!).

this whole feeling is sort of like “reality” tv, which we all know is no longer candid or unscripted or unmanipulated. the first few girls gone wild videos must have been sort of like watching the first couple of seasons of the real world, before they started deliberately planting rumors and picking people who would fight with each other and sabotaging relationships to ensure that they did fight and so on.

also it bugged me that neither one of them came, or even pretended to. they simply writhed together, licking and sucking and sitting on each other’s faces and sixty-nining and so on for a while, and then they just stopped doing it. it was truly fucking odd. at which point cameraguy turned off the camera and i am fairly sure tried to talk himself in between them…

i do hope that he did not succeed.

love, emmie |

rational exuberance

October 13th, 2005 @ 21:06PDT

i found the sephora gift card my sister got me for my birthday!!!!

it is like finding free money. better, even – free, SPARKLY money that makes your complexion glow and your shower smell good.

i bought hard candy’s lunch box and pop beauty’s popette palette in naturally popette, and also CARGO wet/dry powder foundation. i am SO over the stupid mineral makeup shit. philosophy has one that i might try later if i am feeling gluttonous…

ugh! makeup is the same thing as hair as career as finances as skill as talent as superstardom!!!

it all goes back to the stupid POTENTIAL thing. i promise to explain, someday soon.

xoxoxo

love, emmie |

do remind me

October 13th, 2005 @ 21:03PDT

to write an entire post about that fucking word potential. i have had a love-hate affair with it since i was but a babe.

love, emmie |

do not look back

October 13th, 2005 @ 21:02PDT

pillar of salt and all that rot.

he called me obsessively the other day. he knew, somehow. it was in the air even though he is so very far far away. i imagine that he was feeling paranoid, having already been dumped once.

i tried to avoid having The Conversation(tm) but in the end it wheedled its way in, like a zigzag stitch on the sleeves of those sweaters i like at j. crew. he opened the door by telling me about how the last person promised and didn’t deliver and now it was too late, and that he would have been cool with it had he only known from the start (ahem – your line is?)

i swear to you he was waiting for me to say it. does he read us?? improbable. not impossible i suppose…

i tried to be diplomatic and honest and i tried to point out how he believes in me so much that it is really hard to turn away at all, for any reason. he declared some of my issues irrelevant and said that i was at 30% of my potential. my real reason he proclaimed an excuse that i was hiding behind. he was not once rude or malicious or angry or mean. he was sad and honest about it.

i felt like pond scum for about 24 hours. then my real life picked up a wiffleball bat and thwapped the back of my head, hard. and i slept like a baby after that.

love, emmie |

jeans

October 11th, 2005 @ 07:41PDT

a while back i spent a huge amount of money (200-ish) on a pair of jeans. and it was well worth it. they are just so cute and stylish.

and more recently i spent a lesser amount (around 70-ish) on jeans but still kinda a lot. and that was also well worth it. calvin klien and ralph lauren make good jeans these days! One pairs is a size too big. but i really needed a baggy super comfy pair of jeans so they are perfect. both are a good length.

also i have a pair of (30$) cheap jeans from old navy. they are pretty good too.

no more jeans for me.

love, ellie |

October 6th, 2005 @ 19:59PDT

i love him, i do. but he has. got. to. stop.

how in the hell do you spend this long with someone before you realize how fucking different they are than you thought? how is it that someone close to you told you so YEARS ago and you pooh-poohed them, but now you see that they were right all along (which kills you by the way because they are an aries and they like to gloat a lot)?

i want to be there for him, but being there for him does not preclude taking care of me and mine. isn’t that my first priority? someone i used to know would say it is not the christian thing to do but let me point out that i think god had something besides a doormat in mind when he said to turn the other cheek. of course his plan included his son’s submission to the point of death, so maybe i am wrong.

basically he wants from me something that i do not have to give him. i have tried so diplomatically for a very long time to explain this to him, but he is not practiced in taking no for an answer, so he keeps messing it up. which means i basically have to go against my personal nature and be blunt and rude to get my point across. GOD i hate confrontation of any kind, even feared confrontation which may not actually exist or come to pass. just the thought of having this discussion makes my stomach quiver a little like i need a shot of mylanta.

there is the ‘be honest’ camp which assures me that because he is worth his salt he will understand. total honesty means me saying I DON’T WANT TO, NOW STOP ASKING ME which will make me feel like complete ass for short-term. this will also possibly make him feel like ass for longer-term which i could not bear really. and thus the relationship fractures.

there is the ‘be supportive’ camp which tells me that i need to give him what he wants regardless of the fact that i don’t want to. although i sort of can’t even afford to really, in both emotional and financial senses, he would do it for me. wouldn’t he? hasn’t he? but wait! i never asked him to… EVER. also this will make him feel great short-term and i will feel like twice-baked ass for long long term. and once he finds out that i never wanted to do it to begin with he will feel like deep-fried ass (at which point all we need is to drag down a third and we can have a nice appetizing ass sampler, maybe a bloomin’ ass or some spicy buffalo ass or some onion ass with horseradish sauce). and thus the relationship fractures.

i think it ends the same way, which means i can only really change the ride getting there. and i prefer the path of least agita. (mylanta & co. might advise me otherwise)

i also need to say that i have real trouble lately leaving work at work. it follows me home and sneaks up behind me to yell BOO when i am getting out of the shower at night. it is hard to stop saying diplomatic and tactful things to people that you really know when you have a job in PR.

sigh.

love, emmie |

comment spam strikes again!

October 6th, 2005 @ 19:45PDT

fuckers!!!!!

i came here to write not to delete ten pages of fucking m-o-r-t-g-a-g-e advertisements!!!

garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh

love, emmie |

pennies from devonshire

September 27th, 2005 @ 05:42PDT

what do you do when
that ache just won’t go away
kiss me already

love, jane |

the promised review

September 16th, 2005 @ 21:45PDT

okay, sheercover vs. bare escentuals, title fight.

round one: the brushes

bareminerals has this unbelievably soft and plump kabuki brush called ‘full coverage’. also another brush called ‘flawless face’. what works well is to use the flawless one for the foundation and the other one for the mineral veil (=translucent powder). there is also a really firm small brush for applying concealer to trouble spots (have not used that yet as i don’t have trouble spots, just a trouble face).

sheercover comes with a travel brush which you can scoop (included) the foundation or finishing powder into. then you can drop it in your purse and uncap the brush, which is fed the powder from inside its hollow handle. did that make sense? i think it’s a great idea, too bad there is only one. however the regular brush (only one for powder and foundation) literally SHED all over my face. so i spent ten minutes plucking brush hair off my supposedly flawless face… really really uncool.

winner: bareminerals

round two: the makeup

bareminerals has powder foundation in two tones and mineral veil (translucent). sheercover comes with both of these plus a dual tone concealer which goes on first. much better coverage from sheercover, but bareminerals needs less frequent blotting.

also the bareminerals foundation went on spotty at first, i guess because i did not know how much to tap off and how much to concentrate in one spot on my face, etc. it got easier after a few uses but is still hit or miss. the sheercover foundation went on with no complications.

the thing i hate about them both is that since they are loose powders, it gets really messy and i am nervous about wasting whatever i tap into the lid but don’t use since i know i lose some trying to put it back in the little jar. i usually dress first to avoid pulling my shirt over my face with makeup on (staining the collar) but in this case i wind up brushing little powder spots off my shirt after makeup application anyway…

winner: sheercover (?i guess)

round three: the startup kit

both kits contain instructional dvds (good god, did i just write that? what has makeup come to…?) and some type of facial cleanser. sheercover also includes an spf 15 moisturizer (this could also induce blotting). the bareminerals kit includes “warmth” which is basically a bronzer that sheercover sells separately (have not used it yet, it purports to be for lips, cheeks, and eyes all in one jar).

i ordered bareminerals online and after like three days they wrote me a letter(!!) to tell me there was not enough information to complete my order… i only filled in the form THEY gave me online…? i got annoyed and drove to sephora to buy it. there was light/medium/dark in the starter kit, so i got light. the two shades of foundation are both too dark for my skin. i think they have something lighter but it is sold separately…. grrr. starter kit was $60.00. unsure about money-back guarantee when sold retail. they have annoying club autoshipments when you buy online but not in the store.

i ordered sheercover online and after like two days it was in my hands(!!!). starter kit was $36-ish including shipping and tax. they have annoying club autoshipments when you buy at all (phone or online).

winner: sheercover

so… i am at a loss here. today i used sheercover with the bareminerals brushes. that was just day one. the chick at sephora raved about bareminerals but i don’t see it… sheercover is cheaper, but maybe with bareminerals you are paying for the brush quality?? whatever… i am too tired for this.

love, emmie |

randomness

September 16th, 2005 @ 21:25PDT

i am reading the kite runner right now. i am too lazy to post an amazon link. or to get up and look at it so i can give you the author’s name. about a quarter of the way in, and it just got really intense… i really do enjoy his writing style. boy hated it.

boy: that thing reads like someone’s diary!
me: um. it’s called ‘first person narrative’, look into it.
boy: i know, i hate those kind of books.
me: you have never read one first person narrative novel that you enjoyed?
boy: nope.
me: *never*??
boy: see previous statement.

so it is now my mission in life to find out what he has read and find one that was first person that he did in fact enjoy. this is the part where you wonder if i have too much free time (answer of course being no, i just have really fucked up priorities).

that movie sahara was good even though i don’t really dig penelope cruz at all. but i love the other two, and a good william h. macy cameo goes a long way with me. (you will be glad to know i finally saw fargo and i am of the variety that loved it.)

i bought a supercute monthly/weekly planner. it is obnoxiously girly and spiral-bound. will look cute on my desk (or anywhere). i also bought a business book and i’m not even planning to bill the company for it… am fidgety and nervous and postponing writing my presentation for monday.

it is proving tough to find a used beetle for cheap that isn’t circa 1970s. even a jetta or a passat would do at this point… the blue book values are so freaking high!! the hunt continues…

love, emmie |

what do you think?

September 10th, 2005 @ 00:09PDT

i want to get another tattoo and am eyeing a zodiac rune. here is my problem, nice reader.

my sun sign is one thing. i am totally not a typical one of my sign because my rising sign, my moon (emotions), and my signature are all in a completely different sign. my horoscope for that sign is usually way more accurate.

so if i get the rune for my sun sign, i feel like i am misrepresenting myself to have personality traits which i do not have. if i get the other sign, i feel more honestly represented until someone asks my birthday and figures out what sign i am… i don’t want to lie and say i am a sign that i’m not. but i don’t want to admit to getting a tattoo representing a sign other than my sun sign, since that is all most people know of astrology.

also, if i tattoo it at the base of my hairline on the back of my neck, do you think they will have to cut any of my hair or just shave my neck a little?

love, emmie |

dilemma

September 10th, 2005 @ 00:05PDT

the hummer has become unwieldy given the recent scary spike in gas prices.

okay, it was unwieldy all along.

i am trading it in for a volkswagen beetle. yes, you heard right. don’t worry, it will be some awesome color like lime green with pink flames or something.

anyway, i have to do this, otherwise i cannot afford the timeshare i just bought.

love, emmie |

a smorgasbord of cosmetic goodness

September 9th, 2005 @ 23:51PDT

i. love. sephora.

i went in there the other day and spent $150 on crap i do not need. the bare escentuals kit for $60 was my main goal (review later). i also found tarte’s clean slate and philosophy’s present, both pre-makeup prep products. they make your skin soooo smooth, but present takes longer to set. i had my accountant set up a separate bank account and budget plan to enable me to purchase every single one of their adorable cosmetic bags and organizers.

however it was an odd bit of info (originally heard on the radio last year) that led to my totally unnecessary purchase of philosophy’s pumpkin pie shower gel/shampoo/conditioner in one. from eat your way to a spicier sex life at webmd:

In a study that looked at what scents stimulated sexual arousal, Hirsch found every food aroma they tested triggered a sexual response in men, and some foods had more dramatic effects than others.

“For example, cheese pizza increased penile blood flow by 5%, buttered popcorn by 9%, and lavender and pumpkin pie by 40%,” Hirsch tells WebMD. [...] In comparison, floral perfume only prompted a 3% increase in blood flow to the penis among men. Among women, the smell of men’s cologne actually lowered blood flow to the vagina.

as shampoo-conditioner products go, it isn’t bad for regular hair. my hair is unfortunately particularly thirsty and requires a separate deep conditioner to behave even a little bit. but it smells awesome, and the scent lingers subtly on your skin for hours. so he would have to be REALLY close (ahem) to catch it. no word yet on whether it drives the dogs crazy.

shyeah, because i need for boy to try to jump me even more often…

love, emmie |

ps

September 9th, 2005 @ 23:31PDT

i have donated to the red cross and plan to give blood soon too

love, emmie |

a bad idea

September 9th, 2005 @ 23:30PDT

the standard disclaimer applies here in that this is not normally my thing (politics etc). i am neither republican nor democrat; i am neither liberal nor conservative; i am neither ignorant nor activist. but i do come from the south and here are some things that have been burning inside my head about the hurricane katrina thing. feel free to skip this post. also i will not be drawn into a debate about it, so don’t bother to try.

i do not blame anyone for the bad weather. it’s nature, what are you gonna do? i do however blame anyone and everyone involved in disaster planning at the city, state, and federal level. they should all be fired. the fact that the superdome was their big ace in the hole and they didn’t bother to stock it with anything is absolutely fucking absurd.

i am glad michael brown got the boot though it is sad it took such a colossal failure to accomplish this. the man should have stayed in his horse association and politely declined bush’s nomination. he should also be flogged with something painful for several hours because he admitted on international television that FEMA was unaware that there were people in the convention center for three days.

the mayor’s position is a valid one. but his public speaking skills leave much to be desired. and i don’t care if it IS the most incompetent president i can remember, you do not inspire your constituents by going to the media and telling him to get offa his ass or to get his ass on a plane (please refer to playbook of disaster management by rudolph giuliani).

speaking of giuliani, if that man does not run for president i think i will cry. i will also vote for him if he runs for prime minister, king, or american idol.

i do not know if sean penn really helped pull people from the waters or if it was a publicity thing. but i hope he was serious (probably, seeing how he is just crazy enough to do something like that).

it seems odd to me that the media could get anywhere they wanted to go, but rescue workers and troops could not. is it because the media was in the way? did the media not really go anywhere at all?

i agree that dead bodies should NOT be shown randomly on newspapers and television. not because it is gross, but out of respect because those people have relatives too. and it would suck to find out your grandmother’s fate that way, you know?

i do not in the least blame the residents who stayed because they wanted to, thinking it would be just another storm. after going through 12+ hurricanes each year (”K” is the 11th letter of the alphabet, and there are still nearly three months left of hurricane season this year) you get kind of immune to the warnings. like that period of time after 9/11 when the terror alert level vacillated between high and really high (don’t ask me about colors) for several months… after a while, it ceased to be alarming, and i would not have evacuated my house if they’d told me they’d found a bomb factory next door. this is even more true with weather, which has a notorious habit of, um, changing.

i feel that although bush’s show after the tsunami was not up to par, his show after katrina was even worse. which makes me angry, because these are americans.

i am clinging to the hope that the people crying racism are wrong, wrong, wrong. i think it is much less a function of race and much more a function of class. also i think that bush is so worried about his foreign policy that he cannot pay attention to his domestic policy. either that or he STILL has not figured out what to do and say (see the part where he calls in daddy and clinton, AGAIN, to say comforting things to the public).

one of the reasons i love jon stewart (please marry me, ahem) is that he points things out that i did not think of myself. for instance, the feds are really quick to use legal loopholes and invoke special powers to override state authority when it suits them (terry schiavo, gay marriage, etc). but when americans are dying and babies need clean water and the elderly need medication and all of them need company and comfort, the feds have to wait for an engraved invitation from the governor of the state. and the governor doesn’t have one pre-printed and stamped on the bedside table just in case!

i wish that i knew who the guy is that told dick cheney on live television to go fuck himself this week. maybe he has an amazon wish list. i would send presents because he deserves them.

okay, i think i am done. we now return to our regularly scheduled social lethargy and neurotic paranoia.

love, emmie |

addictive

September 9th, 2005 @ 23:05PDT

i’m late on this one, i know. but it’s waaaaay fun when you have insomnia…

i read somewhere about the google game where you put in your first name with “is” after it (in quotes, like “emmie is”) and click search. it is pretty funny if you just scan it – here are some of mine:

EMMIE IS in town
emmie is a great little dog
emmie is outstanding
emmie is still hanging on in there!
emmie is now moving on
emmie is looking to expand (ha)
emmie is certainly fun to have around

EMMIE is still very much a player
emmie is fearful that if she succumbs to her lust…
emmie is a heroine with more than half-a-brain
emmie is already imitating the animal sounds!
emmie is small, compact, and totally self-contained
emmie is a genius!
emmie is a killing machine
emmie is extremely easy to use (HA ha)

EMMIE is in da building!
emmie is distributed over several machines
emmie is the white one
emmie is the artist of the family
emmie is a wonderful role model for children!
emmie is housebroken
emmie is gonna be pres
emmie is remembered with huge bundles of love and affection

EMMIE is too young to even care
emmie is supposed to be spunky
emmie is pretty vague about her background
emmie is, to date, the only woman to serve as President
emmie is druk bezig met de vakantie (one of my nederlander friends pls translate? thx.)
emmie is a daddy’s girl
emmie is going through an identity crisis
emmie is the embodiment of progress
emmie is shy and reserved, but friendly

EMMIE is offline.

love, emmie |

secret thoughts

September 9th, 2005 @ 09:53PDT

When I go to the pharmacy during the day I always see a lot of old people shuffling around and more than once I’ve thought, “That handmade dress from the mid-60s that grannie is wearing would look way better on me.”

love, jane |

jane has opinions about tv

September 5th, 2005 @ 05:50PDT

I like buying myself things because I never fuck up and get myself a pair of those scratchy socks from Neimans or one of those stupid, trendy, insanely heavy beaded necklaces. I’ve never pussied out and bought myself a gift certificate to, say, Victoria’s Secret, either. I think the best part of buying myself something is that I don’t have to wrap it.

I sort of hate the show How Do I Look? The Brithost Finola Hughes is surprisingly tolerable but their makeover subjects always seem so depressed. I absolutely loathe when the person is trying on all these new “looks” and they’re forced to do an awkward little dance in the doorway of the dressing room. Man, it kills me every time. How awful! How embarrassing! I would never go on one of those shows no matter how much free shit they tempted me with.

The other show I’ve been gaping at lately is also on The Style Network- The Look For Less. They’ve replaced the tepid Elisabeth Hasselbeck with this really cute girl (see above pic) who apparently won America’s Next Top Model. Unfortch, her name is Yoanna House. I think she should change it to Becky, or perhaps Sophie. Or just drop the “Yo” and be Anna! I’ve never been attracted to girls with Y-names and I really want to be attracted to this girl. She makes the cutest little scrunched-up faces when the stylists are running out of time. Whee.

love, jane |

the magic of minerals?

August 27th, 2005 @ 17:28PDT

i recently had insomnia and occasion to watch the stupid infomercial for sheercover with leeza gibbons and melissa gilbert. the big selling point is the coverage, supposedly this stuff gives you an “airbrushed” finish. covers rosacea and acne and big birthmarks and scars etc. etc. so i am intrigued but mildly embarrassed to order something from celebrity hawkers.

i thought i remembered reading in jane magazine a while back about some great mineral makeup company and googled it. found bare escentuals which does bareminerals makeup line. cheaper than sheercover although their infomercial was WORSE… i have rosacea and acne and big birthmarks and scars but mostly i just want the airbrushed finish. this stuff makes all the same claims for less cabbage so i bought it. then i realized that it is sold at sephora without the “club” commitment where they keep your credit card and re-order it for you automatically every few months. fuck.

has anyone used this “mineral” makeup and does it do what it says it does?

love, emmie |

i am just awful

August 27th, 2005 @ 17:21PDT

there is a guy i know who wrote a book. he published it himself (subsidy publishing) and it is now listed through amazon and bn and all the subsellers that buy from them. at first i was seriously jealous but then i actually read it and i understood why he published it himself.

it is not shakespeare, to quote a good friend of his from whom i borrowed it. he changed his real last name just enough to sound like a fake name, and his photo on the back is all GQ and serious. and the photo credit is to another friend who owns a bar and is a party animal and whom i did not know even knew how to work a camera… the credit uses his real name which i never heard before since everyone calls him cue ball or something like that. it is a very dignified sounding name. there is a lot of very choppy writing in the book and its plot is mildly interesting but has been done before by much greater people.

i obsessed over it for a few days, searching his nome de plume online and actually finding several writing group sites where he’d won some minor awards (hence the “award-winning” claim on the jacket). i also found an “interview” in a zine online which i think must have been done by calling a toll-free number because it sounds so very generic.

machine: please describe your inspiration for this book. BEEP.
author guy: blah blah blah growing up my mom blah blah and so on blah blah….
machine: what do you hope to accomplish in your career? BEEP.
author guy: well, ideally i hope that blah blah blah…

etc.

for a while i felt very smug that he was so clearly self-important and thought he had this great talent. i have more than him, at least where writing is concerned. but after a while i started thinking, why should i put him down? he has not only written something but PUBLISHED it. unlike me, who hides behind an *anonymous* blog and is too scared to put anything out there for actual criticism. when people comment negatively here i almost break out in hives for god’s sake…

so i applaud him, because even though it’s not the best there is, at least IT IS.

etc.

love, emmie |

incidentally

August 17th, 2005 @ 19:04PDT

there is only one man that i have ever had a completely asexual friendship with. one. EVER.

all of the others at various times make sexist comments or flirt with me or tease me about my ass or something. many of them have taken it much too far and even strayed into the sexual harrassment arena. but not this one guy.

he is like a male version of me, where he needs for the conditions to be just so before he can have sex. i know this only because his girlfriend told me. the subject of sex has never, EVER come up between me and him and i have known him for like ten years.

for a while this was very comfortable and a refreshing change from high school testosterone crap which seems to persist even into middle age with most guys. we were super best friends for a few years. then after a while it started to get creepy. now it is just one of those weird things that makes him an odd person who i truly connected with for a while but from whom i seem to have drifted apart.

on the other hand there is a husband of a relative of mine who gropes me at every chance and says dumb things to me when i answer her phone, like “hey sexy”. he still has a coke habit i am fairly sure. to offset the coke he drinks and takes tranqs and painkillers. she has a million kids and a college degree that she never used for anything because he makes a cubic assload of money despite the fact that he is a hundred kinds of lawsuits waiting to happen. also he is just plain embarrassing.

the one i wish i had back and the other i wish would literally vanish in a puff of smoke. except that then she would be a single mom without his paycheck…

see? it’s always the kids that suffer.

love, emmie |

there must be a class for people like me

August 17th, 2005 @ 18:58PDT

is there somewhere i can go to learn how to be normal?

there is this weird vicious normal cycle where i believe i am normal. then i start thinking about things i have seen and done and people i have known and what i have dealt with in my life. that makes me think i should be abnormal, but i am fairly well adjusted (most of the time). so in effect by being normal, i am ABnormal because someone with my history should NORMALLY be pretty well fucked up. and if i’m not i must clearly be repressing things really hardcore and therapy is naturally the answer. i am not kidding when i tell you that i once went to a therapist to see if it was okay that i like rough, degrading sex.

she sort of looked at me over her glasses and was like, so you want reassurance that it is okay to be turned on by something that is not completely vanilla?

at which point i felt really idiotic and excused myself to roll up my car windows and never came back.

love, emmie |

absurd conversation #5868

August 17th, 2005 @ 18:42PDT

me: suppose you were at a store buying stuff.
him: ‘kay.
me: and while you were checking out you noticed the total was a little low.
him: mmm-hmmm.
me: and you asked the girl to make sure she got everything, and she checked again and said yes.
him: …
me: but then when you got to the car you realized she didn’t charge you for one thing, the most expensive thing, the thing you have been wanting for like five years.
him: how much are we talking about?
me: $35.
him: ooh.
me: so would you be a bad person if you kept it and didn’t go back?
him: ….. yes. any righteous person would feel guilty.
me: well i do feel guilty.
him: yes, but you didn’t go back.
me: so i guess that makes me a bad person.
him: yep.
me (hurt): so i guess you have to divorce me now.
him: okay. take the car and go.
me: hey! how come i get the car and you get the house?
him: i will need the house if i will be raising the kids alone!
me: well how come i don’t get the kids?
him: because you are a bad person and should not be allowed to raise children.
me: oh. right.

(later that night)
him: what was it?
me: what was what?
him: the $35 thing you stole today, you thief.
me: it was a cd.
him: for $35??
me: it was a double cd, a classic.
him: that cd is 25 years old! there is no way it cost $35.
me: that’s how much it sells for at every record store i know of.
him: well then THEY are the thieves, and you did nothing wrong.
me: can i have the kids back now?

love, emmie |

btw

August 17th, 2005 @ 18:34PDT

thank you to all of you who have earnestly looked for stroopwaffels for me. i fully intend to go find some and have them shipped.

i would love to get stroopwaffels in the mail from some of you but you understand i just can’t part with my anonymity

love, emmie |

spidey senses

August 17th, 2005 @ 17:45PDT

my hackles have been going up waaaaaaaaay too easily lately. boy tries to understand but it is just beyond him. he does not have to worry about being alone in an elevator with a strange man ever.

things that bother me do not even register with him many times. and although i love him to death it sort of drives me batty. strange noises in the house bother me. also windows which are not covered at night and wrong number kind of phone calls. i get scared if i see a cop but not because i am breaking the law. parking garages? hells no. even parking lots at night is pushing it. i want to walk so i can get in some cardio but i am afraid of walking alone at night in my neighborhood, which has one of the highest home values in the area. news of plane crashes freaks me out and i lay awake at night staring at the ceiling and imagining what would happen if my mother went into the hospital and didn’t come out. i am too neurotic to watch scary movies anymore, even bad ones. i would love to play one of those online reality games but i think it would probably result in my tragic death somehow. sometimes when i am driving and someone is tailgating me i have a panic attack.

i am not scared that he will ever leave me though. somehow that which is statistically much more likely than all these other things put together never crosses my mind.

love, Administrator |

i am not kidding. promise.

August 17th, 2005 @ 17:39PDT

we were in the pool and he came out to talk to us. while he was standing there, he took off his socks. like to stick his feet in the water or something.

but no.

instead he blew his nose in the socks.

this is seriously the single most disgusting thing i have ever seen any person do.

love, Administrator |

neglectful

August 17th, 2005 @ 17:25PDT

i have been neglecting you and i am so sorry. i think about you a lot, really i do… i wonder how you are, if you are feeling happy or bored or if you miss me.

i promise (again) to do better.

love, Administrator |

dick whipped

July 30th, 2005 @ 16:43PDT

i was thinking the other day about what a lame bisexual i have become. i am domesticated now. it is surely still fodder for dirty talk and the stuff of unexpectedly pleasurable dreams; i have no balls left to actually give myself permission, much less do it.

boy is very sweet in his reasoning. like my bi-monthly pedicures, if it is something small that makes me happy he is totally fine with it. he in fact thinks it would be cool to find a woman who would do nothing but pleasure me. this is all very nice.

boy and i have been together for some time now and it is great, i adore being a twosome (some days more than others). but i am completely paranoid that such an experience, while it looks good online, would be a real-life disaster. this is supported by how jealous i get when i find an old picture of him with some girl, a girlfriend, a friend, anyone but me. i admit to being jealous, more so than he has ever been, and it amuses him.

i am terrified, however, that we would do one thing that seemed harmless, even fun, which would actually change our relationship forever. i do not want that line of demarcation at all… we sort of already had one; it has blurred and faded after a lot of work on both our parts, but at first it nearly killed us.

i feel lame and stupid for being so girly and obsessive and wussy and stuff. but in my experience as i have said before, most sexual fantasies are not nearly as good in real life and should stay up in your head, where they have the best lighting and dialogue and location and actors and you can watch them over and over anytime you want.

love, emmie |

must be something they put in the caramel

July 30th, 2005 @ 16:33PDT

while i was in ireland and germany and italy and england i do not think i found any food i am so obsessed with as stroopwaffels…

love, emmie |

that’s a big negative

July 30th, 2005 @ 16:32PDT

so far i cannot find the coveted stroopwaffel cookies (thanks muchly to ashbloem for telling me what they are called).

i checked at the organic market by me where someone at work said i might find them. they had ones with chocolate and white amaretto chocolate and mint chocolate inside but no caramel. the girl at customer service thought i was asking for some type of cheese, wrote the name down wrong, and promised to call me but hasn’t.

i did find one dutch place selling them that ships here, one place in canada that does, and a bunch of people’s recipes for them. that dutch place sells them chocolate-covered, which i am tempted to try…

strooopy. yum.

love, emmie |

double-dog dare

July 18th, 2005 @ 19:43PDT

i found almost a whole pack of cigarettes lodged behind my printer, between the cables. it actually has a nice sheen of dust on it. i just ran out of cigarettes…

love, emmie |

July 18th, 2005 @ 19:35PDT

note to hemp product manufacturers, part II: unless you absotively master the art of making soft hempy things DO NOT even attempt to make hemp tampons.

love, emmie |

in case you want to send presents

July 18th, 2005 @ 19:33PDT

get those little cookies from holland, the sandwich ones with the caramel filling. FUCK they are good. i demolished two boxes of them by myself in three days in may. the big ones, not the bite-sized ones, either.

note to hemp product manufacturers: please make more soft hempy things. hemp is so fucking cool but it should always always be soft unless it is a hemp backscratcher or dish scrubber or something of that nature.

love, emmie |

small comfort

July 18th, 2005 @ 19:31PDT

don’t worry, ellie. i totally relate to you.

love, emmie |

confession time, part 873.4

July 18th, 2005 @ 19:29PDT

i hate bob geldof probably way more than i should, only slightly less than i abhor neil young.

love, emmie |

things i wish i would have known

July 18th, 2005 @ 19:20PDT

it is weird when you find out that someone you thought you knew pretty well is a pinup model on the sly. or that someone in your family was molested as a child by someone else in your family, and it turns out that is why we don’t have christmas dinner together anymore.

love, emmie |

do i dare attempt it?

July 18th, 2005 @ 19:16PDT

blogathon is up on august 6… should i even bother trying? can i stay up that late? what will i write about? is it cheating if we tag-team it?

hrm.

ellie is way better about categorizing her posts than i am. i should probably tell her don’t bother because it turns out that the archive by author ruins the continuity when we play off each other’s posts…

love, emmie |

mean girls

July 18th, 2005 @ 19:15PDT

what a great fucking movie, btw. heathers for the 21st century.

i have to say that one of the things that bugs me to hell and back is the online cliques/groups/rings etc. i mean webrings and blogrolls are a little different because you don’t actually have to know the other members. but stuff like alumni sites, where those people from high school that you deliberately MOVED AWAY FROM suddenly want you to be in their little “people i hang out with” group after you haven’t talked to them in like eight years – that freaking rots. i have a very very close friend who tried once to explain the friendster concept to me and i just kept saying “but… WHY?” she gave up after awhile. i joined friendster anyway and never went back because the answer to my question wasn’t in the FAQ. i think there was also some secret site that you had to have a friend tell you about (no googling) and which also had a password (which your friend would give you unless she is a mean bitch). and you registered and were somehow this little ansii bug on a big grid trying to successfully reproduce and have larvae and not get bug syphilis. but somehow other members became your spawn, so there was that annoying junior high element of “that’s my mommy and daddy” by someone who is the same age (or older even) and so forth. and after awhile all my bugs got syph and died anyway…

p.s.: thanks for the invite, but i don’t sms… and anyway i have no idea who you are, exactly. if you want to tell me do it the usual way, with e-mail or something.

love, emmie |

July 18th, 2005 @ 08:32PDT

crap. i just realized that no one relates to me and that i relate to barely anyone as well. what does this mean. i am just not-socialpath enough for it to bother me. maybe i should go over the edge?

love, ellie |

possibly the longest run-on i have ever written

July 17th, 2005 @ 21:04PDT

there is a predictable crush thing on pretty boys like brad pitt and david beckham etc. that i try so unbelievably hard to resist but in the end i just can’t, sort of like hearing that new song that you want to hate because it is by the backstreet boys and you should hate it on principle, but the more times you flip past it and hear other people humming it, it drives you mad and one day you just listen to it all the way through to get it out of your head and to confirm that it is utterly irritating but you end up liking it instead and being ashamed to admit it you keep your windows rolled up and sing quietly on your way to work so the guy at the light next to you will not know that you are really just like all the other sheep.

however. i think everyone also secretly has a crush on someone who is totally atypical. i am woman enough to admit that i worship jon stewart and pauly shore. and i would totally fuck dennis leary…

ahem. i’m back!

love, emmie |

you suck.

July 12th, 2005 @ 08:32PDT

i’ve noticced that a lot of blogs that have a lot of followers and comments. sometimes this makes me feel shitty like my blog sucks because no one ever comments. but then, if you read the million comments in other peoples blogs you can clearly tell that the commenters are fucking stupid fucks.

like women who problably have sweaters decorated with puffy paint reindeers and shit. they suck.

love, ellie |

i like it!

July 6th, 2005 @ 08:51PDT

ha! i named the previous post friend TV. heee. suddenly that struck me as hilarious. using your friends as this landscape for entertainment. it’s true! we all do it! gossip and concider and speculate and interfer.

sometimes it is massivly painful tho. in fact, it just occured to me to actually become worried about one of my friends.she’s stopped calling very often. and last time we talked she cried a few times and made some mention of a time in her life when she tried to kill herself and how she was having some of the same unfocused anger issues. duh. now that i write that down it is super clear i should be worried about her.

i can empathize about the anger thing. sometimes it boils up into the his helpless tidal wave. you cant stop it. it is crashing down on you And the only way to deal is to like hit the wall or cut yourself. i was very big into cutting when i was a teenager. it was the only way to let off the tension. i didnt cut very deep or even that often. i just cant look back on it and even think it was bad bevior. hell, i could have decided to do heroine or something super bad. but instead i got a bunch of nice sterile scalpels at the local medical supply store and went to town on my chest and arms.

i’ved always managed to be a moderate in my extrememism. just a little bit of drugs, or cutting or girl fucking. very moderate.

otherwise i am perfectly normal.

heh.

oh wait. back to my friend. the thing is. i just am not sure what to do for her. i live far enough away that i cant just stop by her house. because sometimes that really helps. someone stops by and has a drink with you and you laugh about whatever and then your spouse comes home and he doesnt seem quite so irritating and you dont have to go in the bathroom and smash up the mirror. but i cant stop by. alli can do is call lamely. and i dont know what to say. she’s volatile.

love, ellie |

friend TV

July 6th, 2005 @ 08:40PDT

it’s funny when you can immedietly recognize a type or a situation or whatever. i have this friend who started dating a guy and she told me about him briefly. mainly that he was nice but drank too much beer. so i met him this weekend.nhe was too old for her and i could see immedietly how it would go down. she was already irritable with him. a good natured irritable. like he was trying WAY too hard and she was just like, *shrug* whatever.” she’s smart. she wasn’t going to expend too much mental energy on him. i think she tried to break up with him and he was like no no we can work it out. i did ask if she had rebroken up with him and done this “lets be friends” thing. because honestly, sometimes you just want to be friends. but i can see that if they are “just friends” things will go badly soon. he will offer to do little things for her. and she will accept these little things.”oh i can totally fix that lamp for you it will only take a second” and why would she think to refuse. he is a nice guy and he has the knowledge of wires and shit that she doesnt have. so he will fix the lamp. but later he will think that because he is so nice and has done stuff for her that she should like him and want to date him. and she will just not even really understnad what the deal is. so a friend did her a few favors. big deal. she does shit for her friends all the time.

love, ellie |

you bet

June 29th, 2005 @ 11:08PDT

i’m off to europe for like the eighth time this year. i am jetrosexual.

xoxoxo

love, emmie |

i want iLife but dont want to spend 80 bucks on it.

June 27th, 2005 @ 07:13PDT

i like it when emmie posts. Jane too. where are you girl?

love, ellie |

don’t take this the wrong way

June 26th, 2005 @ 17:07PDT

i am vanity googling and posting more frequently than usual. partly i feel guilty for blogging so sporadically and partly i feel guilty because i know i am going to be blogging more sporadically again for a while… i hope ellie and jane can prop me up while i’m back across the pond. this is sort of a lot of traveling i think, more than usual…

also in looking at people who have graciously linked us (they call us their friends, their favorites, etc. and it makes me blush), many people mistake our name. we are not “the girls in the bag” or “girls in a bag” or “girls in the bag”. we are “girlsinthebag” – one word, one entity, indivisible, with bitchiness about injustice for all.

it is not said rudely but being the anal one around here it kind of tweaks me (in a bad way). i love that you have linked us and hope you can fix it when you get a chance.

(this also makes my vanity googling sessions a lot shorter since i only have to google “girlsinthebag” instead of “girls in the bag” and so on.)

okay lady, i love you, bye-bye!

love, emmie |

everybody loves an american girl

June 26th, 2005 @ 16:59PDT

i bought new underwear. mesh lace-trimmed hipsters (cute) in green, purple, and pink. also string bikinis, patriotic fourth-of-july ones with fireworks and one pair dotted with ladybugs. he noticed me unpacking them from the bag when i got back from old navy (aka the sexy lingerie emporium of the universe, right?) and asked when i was going to model them. i stared at him like he was daft (he is) and put them in my drawer.

later on he asked me again, after dinner.

me: i have a great idea – since there are six pair, why don’t i model one pair for you every day?
him: i have a better idea – why don’t you model all six pair tonight, then we will discuss which ones you will wear tomorrow. and tomorrow you can model the five remaining pair, and we will discuss which ones you will wear the next day. etc.
me: wait, are we seriously discussing planning to discuss underwear??
him: not really…
me: you are spectacularly weird…

love, emmie |

or is he just a habit?

June 26th, 2005 @ 16:50PDT

if i can’t sleep unless he is in the bed, does that mean i really love him?

love, emmie |

i love this site

June 26th, 2005 @ 07:39PDT

i found it on soul searching:

post secret

the bad news is that there are no plans for an archive…

love, emmie |

surreal

June 25th, 2005 @ 15:49PDT

so i get this e-mail from a client asking for some information. it was a polite, very well-written e-mail (which is unusual on both counts), and i responded in kind.

i told him that i did not have the information he wanted and apologized for that, but that i would do my best to get it from the people who do have it and let him know the outcome.

i got back a much less polite (but still well-written) e-mail that said the client didn’t WANT to contact the people who have the information, he wanted it from ME. after all, his contract is with ME and his business lines MY pockets and he can’t believe my refusal to help him get what he is entitled to.

i was kind of floored and i read it like eight times. then i read the e-mail i sent him, and then i asked my friend t. to read it too just in case i had monitor sickness or something. i really hate being rude in an e-mail and i wanted so badly to be rude, so i got his number from my rolodex and called him.

he is canadian, french canadian, and has a very condescending way of even answering his phone and saying his name. so i identified myself, and he said oh, you got zee e-mail i zent? and i said to him i didn’t tell you to call the people. and he said wot? and i said what i said was that *i* am going to call the people for you, and let you know what i find out. and he said ohhhhhhh i must have meezunderztood you, for my eenglish it’s not so good. and i said au contraire, francois, your english is fucking perfect.

*click*

love, emmie |

worse than stepford

June 25th, 2005 @ 15:43PDT

there are all of these women in my life who are strong, smart, and beautiful. more so than i will ever be. and i respect them utterly.

they somehow seem to pair up with men who are narrow-minded self-absorbed pricks who can only be lived with if one pretends that they are totally invisible most of the time. as in

him: that’s just what we need, more gay teachers, teaching our kids to be fags!
her: i can’t believe peter jennings actually left the house in that tie.
me: helloooooooooo??! am i the only one who sees the rampant assholishness going on here??
her: that tie is so regis philbin.

when i was very much younger i used to deliberately pick fights with these men in order to show my intolerance of their intolerance. i mean why should i have to listen to this bullshit anyway? i didn’t fucking marry them.

now that i am older i try a little harder to bite my tongue for the sakes of their wives, who i really care about. i remind myself that it could be worse, i could be HER who has to live with HIM. and it is like divorce is not even an option for them now that they have been in it for so long. like the guy who gets done with his 25 year prison sentence and drops dead in a halfway house from anxiety or throws himself off a bridge from the pressure. it must be waaay better to live with a hateful jackass than to have to live on your own in an apartment somewhere in the city, right? wait a minute, he is such an ass that he even refuses to share his money with you… in fact you have a joint checking account with your daughter for god’s sake. use your golden parachute dammit! crack the nest egg and wrap up in the security blanket! kick his assholish ass to the curb, or pack your bags and don’t look back.

i wonder if they are the amazing women they are because of the bullshit they have chosen to tolerate from the men in their lives (their fathers and sons too, hello…) i am nice to the wives and i show them respect like mama taught me. but sometimes my tongue bleeds from so much biting and i scream at them why don’t they understand that they are smart and sexy and strong and beautiful and that they could find two hundred other men to treat them more nicely. or even that they could be happy on their own which they pretty much are, since their dick husbands don’t give them snuggling or listening or emotional support or orgasms or happy suppers together anyway. and in the meantime they are alone AND they have to listen to bullshit all the time. i mean what gives? they always look at me like they know what i’m saying is true but then they just call me sweet and assure me they are not all those things and that they really are doing just fine.

and then a month later dick does something spectacularly prickish and they call me crying.

love, emmie |

poor dog

June 24th, 2005 @ 10:42PDT

who cares about the girls.

http://www.fox21.com/Global/story.asp?S=3456745

love, ellie |

June 24th, 2005 @ 10:41PDT

the urge to smoke is killing me. i’ve had it for the last two weeks. no four weeks. i smoked a million cigarettes the week before. my mom and i kept sneaking off behind the house. as tho everyone couldnt tell we were smoking. but as long as they couldnt see us… so the theory goes… it never even happened.

love, ellie |

i keep my undies in the icebox

June 24th, 2005 @ 10:25PDT

what a let down. i was looking at the sex classes in the catalog thinking, “hmmm, i could take one of these”. but then the second to last one, “how to seduce people with your voice”, is taught by his ex-girlfriend. lame. then i felt all lame and intimidated. i can’t dirty talk. nor can i talk in a seductive way. it just makes me feel stupid. or course he is the same way. he is so shy he can barely even talk about sex. however i wonder if he misses this ex from like 10 years ago who must have a very sexy voice. fuck her. i have met her actaully now that i think about it. she was sexy but OLD. its actually kind of hard not to be sexy when you’re in a skin tight cherry red vinyl jumpsuit and stiletto heels with a fake beauty mark.

not only can i not talk sexy. but i cant act sexy either. i can dress sexy unless i am feeling fat. which i have been lately. i gained like 10 pounds recently. there is no way i would put on any of my mini skirts. no fucking way.

love, ellie |

spiraling vortex

June 22nd, 2005 @ 05:31PDT

there was this night where i was pushed so utterly beyond my endurance. i’ve always beena a wimp. wanting to go home early, not go out at all or take less drugs or whatever. okay, not always. but often it woiuld be clear that i was the one who wanted to make sure we were all in control or safe or whatever. but this night i was just utterly beat. it was hot and muggy. and i HATE that. i get very red and sweaty. and just miaserable. so there was that. and i kept drinking beer way too much beer. and then he wouldnt shut up about himself. i mean fuck. i felt shitty even thinking this and lost all perspective. but we were in a strange country and someone elses house. we dont speak the language and he starts talking about drugs, telling dirty jokes and talking about himself and all the cool things he does. so i’m like, okay, i’ve heard all this shit before. other people haven’t so maybe its okay. but the jokes and the drug talk were not okay. just so in appropriate. but then who am i to know what the fuck is appropriate? but it sure seemed to me that we should attempt to talk to these nice people about themselves. find about about them and their country. instead we were just loud, red, drunk, sweaty inappropriate americans. omg. i wanted to yell at him so much. just scream at him to shut up. instead i just felt more and more like i was going to pass out or cry. i tried to ignore him and turn to the person next to me to talk to her about what music she likes. but lets face it. i suck at small talk and never mind small talk with someone who speaks a different language.

the next day i still wanted to talk to him about what had happened. but wtf? could i be any bitchier and more nitpicky? i should not be telling an adult male how to act. he can figure it out on his own right?

i have no idea. i hope i figure out how to do this well tho. i have to make sure i curb my tongue. i’m here to support him not be bitchy and tell him what to do or contradict him all the time.

love, ellie |

martha dumptruck

June 22nd, 2005 @ 05:09PDT

there are just some people that i hate on sight. yep. i see them hove into view and i make an immediate snap judgement of loathing.

this woman is between 39 and 55. it’s hard to tell. her body is square, she’s had some kids and her body has turned squat and solid. her hair is frosted and its in that weird helmet lady shape. that shape that appears nowhere in nature. hair should not ever be that shape. ever. it seems like every strand is molded perfectly into shape and probably you imagine that she takes this hair heklmet off at night and places it carefully in a vacuum sealed box that she keeps either in a vault or just under her bed. and int he morning she gets it out and puts it on her bald head and molds it down into her forehead with some kind of putty. she also wears glasses and too much blusher.
she is often falsely jovial, extrememly catty and cries easily. a fragile dumptruck. a hurt and pained probably martyerd american icon. her children do not call her anymore.
i loathe her on sight. she glances at my tattoos and hates me too.

love, ellie |

congratulations and all the best to you and him

June 3rd, 2005 @ 10:51PDT

you know who you are… i didn’t forget.

love, emmie |

missed opportunities

June 3rd, 2005 @ 10:50PDT

in updating our blogroll (you’re welcome) i stumbled across at least THREE bloggers who are or in have recently been to amsterdam. fuck! meeting sex bloggers for drinks in the red light district is a once-in-a-lifetime thing!

love, emmie |

i have a problem

May 23rd, 2005 @ 16:16PDT

okay i can’t seem to stop buying clothes. and it isn’t funny. i keep saying, “just this one more thing and then i won’t buy anything for a couple of months”. LIES! i say that like every week. and i just on my lunch break went and bought a pair or absurdly expensive jeans. designer jeans. that were too expensive. seriously.
i went to the place to get this sweater. that i NEEDED. but then like i needed something to try it one with that would match it. so i grabbed a pair of jeans. and oh my! they were so soft and comfy. faded and all with cute pockets and stuff.

actually, i wonder…
today i was in a hurry to get dressed. AND feeling kind fat. so i wore my fat jeans. which are this pair of jeans that are super old and have a hole in the knee and are like 3 sizes too big right now and the waste line is like huge and my belly is hanging out. they fit me at some point. and when i put them on this morning i was thinking, “holy shit, these jeans better still be too big for me”. and they were! but so like they look super sloppy. and so when i tried on the nice pants i felt all sexy and svelt.

i do solomnly swear i will not purchase any fucking more clothes for like… til next winter. at which time i will need a new pair of boots. but damn. i sooo want a pair of Dansko sandals right now.

love, ellie |

what is it with the fizz?

May 23rd, 2005 @ 13:57PDT

many things in europe are weird from the states. por ejemplo:

* the water in some countries sucks
* even the bottled water
* you have to specify if you want “still” water (no fizz)
* skinny roads with lots of winding curves
* people who speak really good english still give crap ass directions
* the sodas are extra small and extra fizzy
* regular soda tastes sort of like diet
* diet soda is called “light”
* the beers are really big but still extra fizzy
* in some places the bicycle traffic is much more dangerous than cars
* too many coins – one and two euro are coins as well as the little change
* everything is served warmish, even ice cream!!

some things are uber cool and way better than at home:

* in a restaurant you do not get the check until you ask for it (long talks over coffee encouraged!!)
* most places have an english menu too
* the bathtubs are longer and deeper for more complete soaking
* down, down, DOWN on the beds, so soft!
* the chocolate rocks
* cool weird candies that you can’t get in the u.s.
* people wear the coolest clothes and are not afraid to do so!
* the drinks are usually stronger
* waitstaff earn more so tipping is not so expected
* cute european guys!!!
* cute european girls…
* they are still wearing boots here!! furry ones too!!
* they like old-ish american music (70s, 80s, etc)

i could probably pick either dublin or amsterdam and live there all the time.

love, emmie |

seriously tho

May 23rd, 2005 @ 11:32PDT

i am so busy and frazzled. i spent a good 4 hours crying and freaking out on Sunday. everything caved in on me and nothing was okay. not one thing. and i am not even PMSing. i have NO excuse. (well, i do have an excuse. but i wont admit to you what it is).

oh but here’s my question.

let’s say you have done something super bad. something that reffects other people in several negative ways. and let’s say, that at the last minute, you pull your shit together and everything ENDS UP being okay.

should you get a cookie?

love, ellie |

could you please explain this to me

May 23rd, 2005 @ 07:48PDT

why in hell do people have email and then NOT CHECK IT?!

this is particularly difficult when you are far away in some weird timezone for some stupid business reason. and all you want is for someone to be like actually SITTING at their desk and HEARING Outlook go “beep” to let them know they have mail, and to READ that mail and to WRITE back. seriously. it is not something that requires research, just do it! some people i know use email like IMs.

no my cell phone does not work here. and i am fairly certain that these people who i like very much would ignore text messages anyway…

love, emmie |

man about a horse

May 22nd, 2005 @ 11:22PDT

doing errands is unbelievably boring. the one thing that saves me is that i do love my car. and i have an ipod and a sun roof. a convertible would be better.

someday i will have a convertible.

when i go out for a long day of lame errands i get too hungry and have to pee and then i do stupid shit like buy too much food at the grocery store or come home with a new stereo.

why is it that guys never have to do errands?

love, ellie |

speaking of drinking.

May 20th, 2005 @ 16:54PDT

did i tell you gys about how you should try beer, like a corona ro something like that, mixed with either sprite or with crystal lite lemonade flavor drink.

hahaha. sounds gross, eh?

omg. soooo gooooddd. trust me.

let drinking season commence!!!

love, ellie |

other people

May 19th, 2005 @ 17:38PDT

other peoples lives are seeming better than mine lately.
THEY don’t live in squalor.
THEY have nice furniture like grownups are supposed to.
THEY are not a million dollars in debt with nothing to show for it but 40 pairs of shoes.
THEY always have fresh food in the fridge.
THEY cook healthy meals with that food
THEY have sparkling dinner parties at which everyone has sparkling conversation.

unlike myself who comes home from a day of squalid work to drink too many beers with my neighbors only to find myself at a 24 hour hamburger place at 11:30 on a work night buying a bacon burger with cheese and some whipits from the porn store next door then going home, scarfing the burger, doing some whipits until i pass out on the couch and they creep away to their own dark dens and then i wake up still in my clothes on the couch at 4:30. still drunk.

yep. other peoples lives seem much better than mine.

love, ellie |

not worth 160 bucks!

May 18th, 2005 @ 15:45PDT

yep. that’s what i just paid to have my hair highlighted and for a “treatment” man. i didnt even ask how much the “treatment” was. fuck it! what the fuck is a “treatment” anyway?! gahhh!

but rest assured gentle readers, i will not be getting another highlight. who gives a fuck what my hair looks like? i sit a fucking cube all day!
nooooo oooonnnneee caaaresssssssss.

plus, it took four fucking hours. and all i had had to eat was a flax seed waffle. ew! so i was low blood sugar grumpy on top of my normal taciturn hair salon self. i loathe chatting with people in the hair salon. i just want them to pamper me and make me pretty. i am just not good at the girly, overly excited about everything type of girly conversatins that go in in hair salons. you know, with lots of arm waving and shrieking and giggling.

don’t get me wrong. i LIKE those girls. i am just not one of them.

but omg. my hair actually looks really good. it is subtley all these different colors! it is fluffy and bouncey!

love, ellie |

please have me cremated

May 17th, 2005 @ 08:16PDT

i dont know a huge amount of people who have died. at least no one close to me (at thte time of death) has died tragiclly. i think the worst part of that would be imagining their beautiful flesh rotting underground somewhere. all the fleshing falling off piece by piece. i see it time lapse. this is why i think that cremation is the way to go. also, cremation takes up less space and is ultimatly more sanitary.

i need to write a will. i mean i do have a 401k and stuff that would need to be distributed.

does anyone eelse out there have the morbid tendency to imagine terrible things happening to people you love. the thoughts form and i have to force thm away.

love, ellie |

i am such an unsympathetic character

May 11th, 2005 @ 16:45PDT

addiction might be the answer. i did try to be an alcoholic once. but it didnt work out. i just couldnt keep it up. i couldnt manage to get addicted to crystal meth either. i tend to be too hyper aware of my surroundings to be able to let myself go that much. instead i developed a myriad of other only slighly more socially acceptable problems. such as obsessive compulsiveness.

i was thinking about this the other day. i was waiting for someone else to get something done so that they would be completely out of my way so that i could get on with my shit.
and that was the crux of it. i am not oc in the typical – omg, the sponge must be placed just so and the dishes must be cleaned witht his cleanser or we all die – way.
it’s more like – i have been day dreaming of drinking some milk from the carton ALL DAY, yet, when i got home some huge asshole had already drank the last of the milk – kinda way.

this sort of thing enrages me.

this negatively impacts my sex life as well. i am not carefree with my sex. i dont fling it around wantonsly in elevators or the kitchen counter anymore. i really jsut prefer bed. ya know?

i wish i could get passed this sort of minutiae.
also, i wish i could stop thinking about pretty much everything.

love, ellie |

a good scrabble word

May 9th, 2005 @ 12:59PDT

Main Entry: tme·sis
Pronunciation: (t&-)’mE-s&s
Function: noun
Etymology: Late Latin, from Greek tmEsis act of cutting, from temnein to cut — more at TOME
: separation of parts of a compound word by the intervention of one or more words (as what place soever for whatsoever place)

love, ellie |

orange alerts with streaks of red.

May 9th, 2005 @ 12:39PDT

i suppose there is something about being stressed out that makes us all into selfish pricks. maybe. is it selfish to want comfort, reassurance and attention from your loved ones when you are freaking out surely not. what if you even realize that you might have to ask for it outright because the other person might be having their own issues at the moment and will need a nudge in the right direction. and what if that still doesnt work and your emails and calls go unanswered. what if this upsets me even more… or well, makes me think that she is a big fat hypocrit even more. if earlier she had been ranting about how she has “family abandonment” issues. clearly this just meant how everyone abandoned her by not falling in love with her every damn move.

love, ellie |

May 9th, 2005 @ 12:39PDT

There is a blog I read semi regularly, and am a lurker, that I read this morning for the first time in a while. I was struck suddenly by why I read this person. I don’t know her but I know someone who does. And she lives near me. As I read this morning everything she wrote seemed to raw somehow. So desperate and I saw the bigger picture of her life at that moment and I identified with it. she is obviously smart and sensitive. And she is crippled by anxiety and depression and minor phobias. Like me, her whole life is spent on maintenance, all her energy mental and physical.

You know, she isn’t even complaining about it really. She is.. but it is just that is what her life is every fucking day. It is just matter of fact.

love, ellie |

damnit

May 6th, 2005 @ 00:34PDT

about a year ago I had this huge obsession to wear pink so I bought pink everything.

one year later, now, rather- I suddenly hate it. it makes me throw up. i can’t look at it.

I have all these pink clothes and I’m going to shove them into a dark corner. or possibly dye them. I don’t know.

I just hate pink suddenly and am digging white and black and a little bit of red. solid, steady colors.

why do these color obsessions come and go?

ps. been really enjoying your posts, ellie.

love, jane |

i’m just a total bitch aren’t i?

May 5th, 2005 @ 19:22PDT

cruel things people say reveal far more about themselves than about the original subject.

love, ellie |

spartans

May 5th, 2005 @ 19:14PDT

sometimes i def. wish i had been born into a different age. maybe one that was more “nasty, brutish and short” let’s face it, my life as it stands looks to be”nasty, brutish and way too fucking long”.

sometimes it seems like a life of hard labor in the feilds, marrying at 12, squating in the field, pausing from my labor to bear my children, living unitl 29… seems somehow preferable.

love, ellie |

that runaway bride story

May 5th, 2005 @ 09:11PDT

first of all that was a pretty pathetic story.
second of all, when i heard that the county or the city or whatever was going to try to sue this woman to the amount of money they spent on the search for her.. well. that just seems wronog. everything is wrong. society sucks ass and i am tired of it.

just just the whole damn thing. woman disappears. a massive huge search is immedietly launched after she is 20 minutes late getting home. why? because there are so many male, violent sexual predators out there. everyone gets all het up and righteous and searchs for her. and then they want her to PAY for it? no way. they choose to provide the service of search for her.

gee! thanks society for making me PAY for you to protect me from the assholes you have produced. fuck off!

what happens when man disappears? well, not much. the community certainly doesnt galvanize and start holding hands and praying. everyone is like, oh, bud took off again. what manly thing to do. good for him. i hope he’s off fucking some hookers (beat them up when you’re done! all men do it!) and drinking moonshine with his thumb up his butt.

really people. wtf?

incoherant as always, ellie

love, ellie |

people can’t change

May 5th, 2005 @ 08:55PDT

this morning i was up at the ass crack of dawn. dropped off at the car dealership, waiting in the rain. i rather welcomed this. it was a moment of blessed solitude and possibly a moment to become one with nature and the elements.

i started having my “i wish i could go crazy” fantasy. this is where i just have a total break down and run screaming through the streets naked. think how liberating that would be! think how my loved ones would be nice to me and take care of me! thank goodness i have loved ones!

then i started to fantasize about having a baby. if i had a baby i could quit my shitty corporate job. i would wake up early and make my husband (um. what husband?!) coffee. he would leave for work and i would take my quiet, poopless baby for a JOG. imagine that. i would have one of those 3 wheeled mega dirt bike strollers. i would be sleek already with my stretch pants on and jogging shoes. my hair would be brown and in a ponytail. i would drive somewhere with all this crap, be all competent, and then jog… and then i could like, have some lame job, like feeding peoples cats while they are on vacation. i could bring a baby for that right? i would be competent. things would work out. it would be liberating and fabulous.

except for the fact that this will never happen. let’s for a moment assume that i get married, have a husband who makes enough for me to not work (impossible in this area!!!) and i manage to actually have a baby.

so starting there already the thing is impossible. i hate jogging. i used to do it. i lived up in the hills and was fat. so i started jogging, i lost some weight and it was quite beautiful (the hills i mean). but it hurt my knees. also, i am just not the sort of person that takes things easily. everything is always hard for some reason. I hate getting up early. and i am uber grumpy in the morning.

i have no idea why things are always hard for me. i have these days where nothing goes right. and they always start with my car door hitting my leg as i try to open the absurdly heavy, unwieldy door. it doesnt fucking stay open. and it hurts when it hits your leg. essentially crushing it and any spirit i may have had stored up for the day. at that point the whole day is ruined and i mostly want to get back in the car (offensive as it might be), go home and get back in bed and stare moodily a the cobwebs on the wall. i can imagine cleaning them off, moving all the furniture, painting the walls a bright cheerful color to match my bright cheerful disposition and finishing the floor in my ultra competant i can finish a hardwood floor with one hand while the other hand goes jogging with my baby kind of way. that is so me!

i hear that boyfriends are just as good at impregnating as husbands are. so i’m thinking about poking some holes in the condoms and whoops! accidently forgetting to take my birth control.

how hard can a baby be?

love, ellie |

genius

May 3rd, 2005 @ 15:32PDT

treat your mother right.

oh Mr. T. i love you.

love, ellie |

surfs up.

May 3rd, 2005 @ 11:23PDT

i fell asleep on the couch and dreamt that i woke up and was in a strange place. it was sort of familiar. i peeked out the window and recognized the neighborhood as the one i lived in with Charles. years and years ago. i was scared. what was i doing here? i heard some other girl had moved in a few years ago. what if she found me here?

but then it morphed into me realizing that i was in my very own house. and that the beach was not far away. i could see girl surfers out there plain as day. more girl surfers than boys! imagine! i could have a morning walk out there on the beach. maybe i know some of those girls, they would let me borrow their board for a bit.

i could run into the waves all struggling against the massive powerfulness of them. that wonderful peaceful moment when you reach the point where the waevs are smooth and not fighting you anymore. you can float on your board staring up at the sky. the decision to try for a wave. that moment when you realize you are going to catch it but that it is fucking huge and you are so fucked! and the rush of brilliant fun when, for a few seconds, you do catch it. and then the inevitable, for me anyway, moment when you eat shit and are in that underwater tumble. i cant ever help but struggle against it. i know some people say just go wioth it. dont fight it. but fuck that! i want air!

and i love getting out afterwards all wet and then put a sweater on and sit in the sand.

love, ellie |

can’t spell either.

May 2nd, 2005 @ 22:20PDT

no one likes angsty rants. but it is pretty much all i am capable of.

love, ellie |

watch it assholes.

May 2nd, 2005 @ 21:50PDT

how much do you want to be that when the time comes she will “not have enough money” to buy a dress or get here or her boyfriend will do something assholeish or WHATEVER. but it will become a big crisis about her. fuck that. i gave her all the information and shit and i have enough to fucking worry about.

my untrustingness of people. where has it come from? it is often unjustified. especially in his case. it’s quite hideous really. there was a fair amount of percieved abandonment from people on my part. percieved abandonment. interesting. more like, it seems like people fucking bulldoze over me at every opportunity.

when she does it it seems somehow out of scorn. a joking scorn that actually hurts quite a bit. god she did it the other day ont he phone. she was lie, oh hahah, well your friends are always pretty boring aren’t they” and i just said “wtf? that’s not true why would you say that?” and she kinda laughed and tried to pretend like she was joking. which is also kinda wtf because? what? does she want me to laugh consipiritorialy with her about how my friends are losers? i mena, about how SHE for some unknown reason thinks my friends are losers? it’s weird i tell you. i almost don’t want her there. she is just going to be an asshole. (see, there i did it again)

the other does it because she percieves it as her right. as a human right. the right of a huamn of her superior quality. and you can tell her quality is superior because she is so good at bulldozing. with her eyes closed. oh, whoops, did i run over you? i totally didn’t notice. you should have spoken up.

love, ellie |

stop me before i fall down

May 1st, 2005 @ 14:04PDT

this is too good not to share:
emmie & ellie: aussie bush critters

love, emmie |

whoa

May 1st, 2005 @ 13:58PDT

possibly i just found my next tattoo…

or maybe in Japanese?

love, emmie |

hee.

May 1st, 2005 @ 13:57PDT

emmie yummie everyday.

love, emmie |

er.

May 1st, 2005 @ 13:47PDT

this css is retarded. or maybe i am retarded.

either way i think that i complain more than other people. but i dont get it. am i also more irritable than other people? maybe so. why is this? what should i do. i dont want to be complainy and irritable all the time.

love, ellie |

May 1st, 2005 @ 11:56PDT

i am still thinking about publishing us. possibly a book of only haiku. and another book with selected posts which we got a really positive response to.

anybody still interested?

love, emmie |

ohhhhh i get it

May 1st, 2005 @ 11:55PDT

so within an archive page you have to click the “previous entries” link at the bottom of the page to get the rest from that month. OH-kay. i was all scared that somehow only the last week of each month’s archives survived the export…

duh…

love, emmie |

possibly it is just me.

May 1st, 2005 @ 10:33PDT

there are times when i have an orgasm that i swear to you it is like a major life experience. meaning that i feel all these emotions i can’t even describe. it is sort of traumatic in the same way that having something awesome but huge happen is… like your boss promotes you without warning and you should be ecstatic but it is still sort of stressful. like that (only shorter).

boys really do not understand this. i think maybe because the wind blows and makes them come, their orgasms are (generally) not so intense and soul-shaking. i can have more than one, but the first one is always the most scary/lovely.

i looked at boy who was still lovingly caressing my back and shoulders and said “you really don’t get it, do you?” and he was all like, “what?” and i said “i need some time to recover” and he said “from what?” and i said “STOP TOUCHING ME”.

then i realized it was one of those in-the-moment-ego things and i said “was that an ego thing or do you really not know?” and he goes, “no, it was an ego thing.” so i said “oh. well then i have to recover from that awesome orgasm you just gave me” and he smirked because that was what he wanted to hear just then.

i still made him leave me alone though.

love, emmie |

no it’s not done yet

April 30th, 2005 @ 00:07PDT

the template is still taking some tweaking. i have called in css reinforcements because this is a more detailed css than i have ever undertaken and i can’t figure out what is nested inside what and what to change to make something a different color. this margin for instance is just about 10px too far to the left… sigh. hopefully ellie in her wisdom will be able to fix us up! and i will add drop-downy goodness to the sidebar and bring back our REAL blogroll (sorry friends, it’s nothing personal).

sigh.

love, emmie |

is it really like that in LA?

April 30th, 2005 @ 00:07PDT

i am so in love with shane from the L word that it is not even funny.

she is totally not my type… i like more girly girls. bette is actually amazingly hot and she has her life together which would bode well for her as a potential mate. shane has the broody thing going on, which is historically my preference in men (i am an ex-bad boy lover) but i like her much better when she is doing that thing she does where she is totally honest and respectful to someone. like when she tells the dyke coffee clutch that something is “not our business”. and the way she knows things without anyone having to tell her that they are sleeping together. i hope they do not destroy her character by analyzing the shit out of why she doesn’t “do” relationships.

her hair is weird this season. it looked better last season longer, and she photographs very very well, somehow on screen she is way more butch than in the promo photos. her eyes are penetrating, her nose is aristocratic without being conceited, and her lips are fucking perfect…

carmen is also very hot but i find that she looks like every other beautiful model type girl. which is to say nothing really unique about her at all. tina is very sweet looking and has the biggest boobs of them all (even before she was pregnant). jenny is my melodrama nightmare; the only thing that saved her was her long lovely hair, which she went and chopped off. her eyes are big and too sensitive, she seems like the kind of girl who cries a lot and misinterprets every little gesture. she analyzes way too much and is very teen angsty still. bette is sophisticated and amazingly beautiful. dana looks sort of sheryl crow-ish and is way too skinny. alice is funny and i don’t really have any opinions on her appearance either way.

i did however call my cable company after they canceled the three-month showtime free promo and demand that they turn it back on immediately because the L word started in five minutes. i admit i am completely obsessed…

i want to live in california. i want to be a girl who is comfortable making out with girls in public…

love, emmie |

disturbance in the force

April 29th, 2005 @ 11:03PDT

i have had three seperate coversations with three girlfriends and like 50 million conversations in my head about this in the last couple of weeks.

lets start with miranda. she called me at work yesterday witht that trembly heaving voice that tells me she is crying and having a panic attack. her story is a long and sad one. but the gist of this chapter was really one i could identify with.

she works from home. has a cute little home office and true, she isn’t exactly making any money right with it right now but she is trying. so anyway, true to his style her boyfriend is being a total dick. he acts like because she is home (working mind you) that she has all the time in the world to do shit for him such as cook, clean, errands and the like.

of course, last time she had a job he still expected her to do all that even tho she was away from home all day. SAME AS HIM.

why the fuck are almost all guys like this?! fucking answer me!!!!

when i was a kid i had to do chores. housework. like you wouldn’t believe. i mean, once i reached puberty my mom realized that she could foist off all housework on me. but i was certainly doing it from the age of five. my job was to empty all the wastebaskets every morning before school. and the i had a nighttime chore as well. i cant fucking remember what it was. okay but as a teenager, none of the boys i knew had to do their own laundry or any housework. they just did shit like mow the lawn. this is utter bullshit. mowing the lawn does not prepare you for adulthood in anyway. it is just another convienent excuse for men to get out of the house away from the kids. gahhhhh! anyway, who the fuck has a lawn these days? no one i know this is the city people.

that is my theory of why this happens.

when i was about 18 i lived in a hip part of town in a flat with a bunch of other people. all strangers conected to me by friends in some way. it fucking sucked. there were 3 18-20 year old boys living in the house. spoiled, selfish, rotten boys. the worst thing was that there was only one toilet. and one of those assholes had such a small dick that he couldnt get a good hold on it while pissing and so often missed the toilet and got it onthe floor and the seat. and then i would wake up int eh middle of the night, shuffle to the bathroom and STEP in his piss. this is gross both with and without socks on.

so i guess the question comes down to this. why is it that me and most of the women i know care more about and worry more and DO MORE ABOUT about household stuff?

the answer is not that women’s work is in the home and it isnt that we are all high maintance bitches either.

love, ellie |

oh, a couple more things. sorry…

April 28th, 2005 @ 17:09PDT

am i posting too much? sorry.

i moved slightly more to the dark side this week.i threw caution to th wind and bought some almost pointy toed shoes. they are longer than they should be and a square sort of pointyness. but def. a departure from my normal cluncky alterna chick platform shoes. sorry.

as i shift ever more towards the dark side i catch myself considering shaving my legs. i have barely any leg hair. but there are moments when one kinda wants to fit in and have smooth legs. sorry… any suggestions for a good depilatory cream?

in another lower half betryal i ditched the idea of buying white docs and manhandling them. instead i will just buy the girly shoes. sorry…

fuck it.

love, ellie |

in which ellie is slightly taken aback

April 28th, 2005 @ 16:35PDT

seriously. straight girls are the ones to watch out for.

drunk straight girlrfiend: “no really, we should make out. i mean, i wont ‘take care of you’ if you know what i mean. but my husband will if i tell him to.”

ellie: “do you know how pissed my boyfriend would be? eeek! he freaked out that time i made out with some random chick at a bar. even tho i kept my hand down his pants.”

drunk straight girlrfiend: “well, maybe we could get them to make out too”

ellie: “!! okay! i can get mine in a dress. will yours?!”

love, ellie |

she bop

April 28th, 2005 @ 11:10PDT

she bop was about masturbation right?

love, ellie |

Lucky Seven Spring Scent Picks

April 28th, 2005 @ 08:24PDT

Lucky Seven Spring Scent Picks

1. Clean Baby Girl. This is a great little Lolita scent, though oddly I couldn’t find it on Sephora. Has it being discontinued? Grab it quick!

2. Marc Jacobs Blush. Got this for Christmas and was a little unsure about it but it’s really grown on me and become one of my favorites. It’s light and springy, sweet and understated, and I find it very sexy.

3. Pink Sugar Perfume. Fun! This is the perfume equivalent of a sleepover party. A very cute and happy scent.

4. Ahh sex. Chanel N5 is often called the perfect scent and with good reason. Indeed, I always get the most compliments when wearing it. Note: This would make a nice Mother’s Day gift.

5. Fresh Lemon Sugar. This is a lovely, clean-smelling perfume. It reminds me of playing an early game of tennis in June. I also really like to spritz this on clean sheets. Haven’t yet tried out Fresh’s Sugar Blossom. Anyone recommend it?

6.Donna Karen Be Delicious. I got this as a sample and thought it smelled like that cloying wall of perfumes attacking your nose as you walk through a department store. You know, it’s generically sweet and flowery but not very distinguishable. Buy this fresh shimmer scent instead, it’s really cute: Tangerine Kiss.

7. Christian Dior Pure Poison. This is currently my favorite perfume. I wear it to bed, and when I go to the bank, or anywhere. I am just so in love with it.

Didn’t mention your current favorite? Tell me about it in our new comment section!

Also, anyone buy the Barbie Perfume yet? I heard it was actually good. Thoughts?

love, jane |

mmmm, sherbert

April 28th, 2005 @ 07:48PDT

emmie is the bomb. am i right people?

you know what else rocks is Pearl Organic Soy Milk in Creamy Vanilla flavor. fuck yeah.

the other day i said something was “rad”. hahahaha. the person i was talking to looked at me like i was an alien. and then i went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the bathroom mirror like i was an alien. where the fuck did that come from? the ghost of junior high school past or what the fuck? the 80’s rears its ugly ass head, inhabits my brain for a few seconds and then leaves?

i grew up in the south mostly but went back east all the time to see family. so i was an anomaly in both places. no accent to speak of but i could transmit silly teenage words back and forth. i was like, one wicked and bitchn slang ambassador, y’all.

uh, anyway. time for work.

love, ellie |

this happens to me all the time

April 28th, 2005 @ 07:38PDT

last night we went to a U2 concert with some friends. the tickets were a present from him. finding just the right seat was very important to us and many sectyions were vetoed for various reasons. our friends settled in but he wasnt happy with that spot.

i continued to search for the “perfect spot” not too close, not too far away. but somewhere during the process he disappeared to get beer. the place was filling up and my choices for two seats next to each other were getting slimmer so i just choose any old place. once i did that i ran back up to where my friends were to talk and while i was gone armed guards came and cleared out the row where i had left my stuff. i ran up, grabbed my bag from a guard who gruffly told me to find another seat. at this point there were no more seats except some out on the lawn, three blocks from the stage. and at this point i see him coming toward me laughing and drunk holding some shitty beer. and i am PISSED. so much so that i cant even look at him.

and i actually kinda hate U2 so its not like i gave a shit at any point in time where we sat. it was all him being a cry baby and then going off to have fun while i did the work and worrying.

love, ellie |

April 27th, 2005 @ 21:38PDT

um, ok.

it looks like rainbow sherbet, right? i love it… i love girls who smoke too. and back tattoos are s3x.

so no WP help needed after all; i just freak out and the planets align all nice and stuff. should freak out more often.

tomorrow i will tweak the font colors etc; those long lists in the sidebar have to go. and no BLUE for links on this page, ever (unless it matches which it probably never will).

love, emmie |

like a mule

April 27th, 2005 @ 19:43PDT

i want my pretty colors!!!!!!!!!

i promise!! you will love them, if i ever get the theme right…

love, emmie |

also

April 27th, 2005 @ 19:43PDT

i thought doing archive by author would be cool; which is to say make one category for each author, since some readers have their favorite girl. but on further reflection this seems like a bad idea since it has to use categories and that means i have to go back and assign cats to 1200 existing uncategorized posts. also in that list of categories would be haiku, which is not an author. incongruous.

barnacles.

love, emmie |

fuck everyone

April 27th, 2005 @ 19:40PDT

why did i switch to WP? did i think it would be easier? it is at least php instead of mt language; however. i will never accept a pre-loaded theme or one that someone else makes for me!! i will always just HAVE to tweak the fucking thing. which condemns me to a hell of parse errors.

oh, and the test site i set up to go through puberty awkwardly is experiencing a stupid bug where OOPS it loses the admin profile entirely (not the blank password field bug, thanks). so i can’t even get into that one (which is where i have the design almost working). instead i must now figure out the code all OVER again, live. so the world gets to watch as i pop my first zit and lose my virginity.

i can’t take this right now, seriously…

i designed the layout but i install all the code wrong or something… sigh. i want a dropdown blogroll and a dropdown archive list, styled cute to match the site a little (not clunky default
dropdown stuff, ykwim).

who loves me enough to tweak my WP code?

love, emmie |

not the answer – flame if you will

April 27th, 2005 @ 14:00PDT

I believe women of childbearing age should be allowed to abort an unwanted pregnancy.

I do not have any children nor have I ever been pregnant.

If I had daughters old enough to have sex and get pregnant I would not want them to get pregnant, not tell me and then run off to get an abortion on their own.

In high school I knew several girls who did this. I think it was a sad and scary time for them.

I think that parents should be responsible and have a good relationship with their kids. Such that they talk about sex openly and have a relationship that has enough love and trust so that girls (and boys) will go to parents with troubles like this.

I think that it would be an even sadder and even scarier time for young girls if the government forced them to notify their parents that they wanted an abortion and the parents said “no you cant you must give birth to this child”.

It’s a message that they are not in control of their bodies.

This is the quote that scares me the most:
If enacted, the bill would represent the fifth measure since President Bush took office in 2001 aimed a reducing the number of abortions.

My main point is this:

This is just not the answer for the problem of reducing the number of abortions. And yeah, I think the world might be better if there were less unwanted pregnancies and thus less abortions. Like I said, an unwanted pregnancy is a scary time for people I think.\

anyway i think that is the WRONG goal too. the goal shoudl be to reduce unwanted pregnancys.

It seems to me that MORE SEX ED is the answer and more openness in addressing sexuality in young people.

p.s. arent the right wing all for SMALLER GOVERNMENT?

love, ellie |

don’t be freaked out!!

April 25th, 2005 @ 19:35PDT

we changed hosts. we are still us. don’t lose us!

full archives and functionality SOON!

yip!

love, Administrator |

get out of my dreams and into my car!

April 23rd, 2005 @ 07:53PDT

success + age= trouble!

license to drive is out on dvd!!!!

watch the latest interview with him here.

love, jane |

judy blume pills

April 21st, 2005 @ 00:45PDT

Half the time I merely eat to line my stomach so I don’t dry heave after I take a vicodin.

I amazoned five Judy Blume books and they came today. I’m looking forward particularly to Forever, the premiere book about a girl losing her virginity. It sounds tragic and after schooly, like something I never would have read when I was 11 but now want to for some reason.

Back then I was really into Christopher Pike. He wrote those books about vampire quarterbacks and serial killing cheerleaders. Good times.

love, jane |

interesting

April 17th, 2005 @ 23:51PDT

Interesting article in the Metro about porn turning men off to the real thing, read it here.

love, jane |

perfect

April 13th, 2005 @ 00:29PDT

I’ve started sleeping in deodorant so as not to smell, ever.

love, jane |

Jane is pleased

April 10th, 2005 @ 13:19PDT

Recently four separate people have mistaken my father for my husband. This pleases me.

love, jane |

cute doctors of the future

April 7th, 2005 @ 09:32PDT

Yesterday as they took five vials of blood I watched two hot, Katie Holmes-esque med students stand around and chat in their tight, white coats.

They sipped coffee out of small brown cups and giggled and smiled. By vial five I was too light-headed to picture them making out with each other.

The nurse taking my blood was cute too. I wanted to brush her soft, red hair out of her smoky eyes.

To myself this is now known in my head as the hot hospital.

love, jane |

bookish

April 4th, 2005 @ 02:53PDT

I know I talk a lot about lip gloss and whatnot here, but I was thoroughly amused by this literary comic this morning. Enjoy.

love, jane |

The voice of god

April 3rd, 2005 @ 16:27PDT

Julia Roberts is the new voice of God.

P.S. The sounds clips are crazy.

love, jane |

so effing sweet

April 3rd, 2005 @ 11:40PDT

This is just a wonderful article.

hehe, and the pic.

love, jane |

mermaids

March 31st, 2005 @ 16:41PST

I went grocery shopping braless this afternoon. Probably doesn’t count as hot as I was wearing a fully zippered winter coat. Still in the throes of recovering from Sad Ending Book so I’ve been reading this erotic book to ease the poignancy.

Problem: it’s not very uhh, erotic. I mean, maybe if you haven’t gotten off in two weeks it might be ok. But I’m halfway done and there’ve been no rapes, dogs, orgies, or vampires. The best story involves a mermaid’s nipple clits as mermaids have no cunt merely smell like one, apparently.

Conclusion: dissatisfied.

Solution: I need a boyfriend. Send some Awesome Boyfriend thoughts my way, please? I’m so sick of jerks and crying and wasted time. Stress the Awesome part.

love, jane |

sad

March 30th, 2005 @ 01:57PST

My mind’s been totally destroyed by the sad ending of a book.

God it was good.

love, jane |

patience please

March 28th, 2005 @ 13:19PST

there is much to be done. i am going to tackle it a little at a time. baby steps…

please bear with us if 404s happen while i am changing servers/repropagating IPs, etc.

thx ever so much!

(promise to start posting more!)

love, emmie |

Lucky 7: hot new desktop pics for the week ahead

March 27th, 2005 @ 03:53PST

Some lovely, pretty, girly art options, aka, new shit to look at (right click, set as wallpaper, of course):

one
two
three
four
five
six
seven

Bonus pics I found and had to share:

one
two
three
four (this one is just craaazy!)
five (and one silly bikini one)

Enjoy the week ahead!

love, jane |

SLYTHERIN

March 26th, 2005 @ 13:45PST

I amaze myself sometimes. I lie to my mother about like, what time I woke up yesterday morning yet I’ll tell the complete, absolute truth on a two page internet quiz about Which Harry Potter House Do You Belong In?

love, jane |

Cream for a day

March 24th, 2005 @ 23:40PST

So, hypothetically (by which I mean, happening to someone I know but not to me personally), how many yeast infections from sex should a girl put up with before she dumps the guy?

I would say two.

Presuming she really likes him, getting a third yeast infection would be the breaking point, right? Perhaps a wiser girl would say zero. I mean, who is this guy, so careless, so clueless?

Bleh. Sometimes I’m glad I’m single.

love, jane |

mental-health pornography

March 23rd, 2005 @ 21:21PST

I thought I saw the forever-unreleased Prozac Nation available on pay per view or something last week. Then today this article indeed confirmed that there’d be no theatre release, just a slumpy TVing of a choppy movie that I don’t even want to see that much anymore. The slate article’s good though.

love, jane |

corset

March 22nd, 2005 @ 23:27PST

When my friend sends me mp3s he thinks I might like he includes notes like this:

“The truckers were men of principle, or so we thought. As it turned out, they just didn’t want to break hymens because they didn’t like hurting someone in that situation. And so, flashlights became lords of whaling.”

I love the future when I can upload my brain and hang out with him and all these other people I talk to but don’t know if they bend down to pick things up or simply bring their toes to their hands.

love, jane |

surprising girl facts

March 20th, 2005 @ 21:05PST

I’d date a Christian way before I’d date a Republican and I’ve made out with more white girls than black guys.

I couldn’t date someone who crushes crackers into their soup or throws away the milk from their cereal.

I couldn’t date a guy who watches only cartoons: especially those guys who only watch Cartoon Network.

Conversely, there’s so much awesome on TV right now I’d absolutely die if I met a cool guy and he said he didn’t watch TV. Veronica Mars! Arrested Development! The Daily Show! It’s all soooo good! Fuck, you want to impress a hot girl at a bar, start talking about The OC.

I love the quote, “If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.”

Yes, everyone wants to make out with Brad Pitt always and forever but my friends always surprise me by thinking someone like Paul Rudd or Adrien Brody is the sex.

And sometimes just walking around on a Saturday afternoon I’ll see like 15 guys who’re hotter than any movie star; same goes for chicks. Hollywood should send casting directors to hang out in coffee shops in Atlanta or Detroit or Denver or anyplace other than NY/LA because they’re totally missing out.

Finally though, I’m incredibly tired of trying to like someone. I’d love to meet someone whom I like straight off, just really genuinely like, you know?

love, jane |

J-14

March 20th, 2005 @ 00:57PST

No NY Times Sunday edition for me; I’m going to pick up a copy of J-14 tomorrow after reading this.

Highlights for those too lazy to click:

“[J-14] is the only teen title to feature multiple cover subjects; the March cover features 11 different celebrities, crudely Photoshopped into a veritable Mt. Rushmore of multiracial teen idolhood.”

“For better or worse, the classier teen magazines seem to have qualms about running endless stories on Ashlee Simpson’s fear of public urination; J-14 does not.”

!!!!!!

Oh man there’s nothing like reading about celebrities to make me feel my own life is far less fucked up than their’s, yet absolutely, totally worse about walking around in my unphotoshopped body and pore-speckled face.

Oh well. At least I can leave the house looking and feeling like shit and no one will take pics of me and post them online.

love, jane |

when in doubt…clean?

March 19th, 2005 @ 20:25PST

Life is shit so I’m washing all my blankets. Maybe things will get better if I flip my mattress, maybe.

love, jane |

shitty week

March 16th, 2005 @ 14:29PST

Do you ever have one of those weeks where all you seem to do is clean and sleep and do laundry and wear ugly laundry day clothes and somehow it’s only Wednesday? If I wasn’t broke I’d totally buy myself something. Probably these lovely wedges. They’re so pretty I could go clubbing on top of clouds in them.

UPDATED!

Goddamnit, they’re sold out in size 6. Even if I wanted them I couldn’t get them. hahaha oh man, this is the shittiest week!

love, jane |

hot new Interview

March 15th, 2005 @ 13:54PST

Jessica Alba’s men.style.com interview promoting the hottest trailer* in years, Sin City. It’s not a bad article and refreshingly they didn’t airbrush her stretchmarks out of the pics:

“Your jeans are too tight! You’re tempting me!”

*I mean, movie.

love, jane |

tricky question

March 14th, 2005 @ 22:57PST

Do guys notice the slight, monthly increase in our breast volume? To me it feels like a tender, massive difference but do they? Maybe they notice but they’re too scared to say anything due to PMS.

Hypothetical scenario one:

Girlfriend- “Hey, do my breasts look a little bigger than usual to you?”
Boyfriend- “Gahhh…boobies.”
Girlfriend- “I fucking hate you.”

Hypothetical scenario two:

Girlfriend- “Hey, do my breasts look a little bigger than usual to you?”
Boyfriend- “No sweetie, they look perfect.”
Girlfriend- “Ok.”

Anyway, my boobies hurt.

love, jane |

summer preview

March 14th, 2005 @ 14:25PST

It’s snowy and grey a lot of places today including here, but I smell soft and warm like the beach in early June.

I am in love with this new perfume. I was sick and coughy and bored around the house last week so I ordered some new spring makeup and whatnot. I picked up the Vanille Coco on a whim and it’s become my favorite thing I’ve ordered.

They also sent along a sniffy sample of Sud Pacifique’s Fleurs Des Caraibes and that smells really good too so I’m going to get that one next. God I love new perfumes.

love, jane |

geekburger

March 13th, 2005 @ 16:20PST

I was so freaking jealous of DJ’s hair. My mom wouldn’t let me get a wavy perm, or buy me a stonewashed jean jacket, or have a loud-mouthed, lezzie best friend. Sigh. I’m going to relive my pain tonight at 8 by watching The Full House E! True Hollywood Story.

Test your Full House knowledge with this quiz.

Enjoy some memorable (read: lame) Full House quotes here.

Look at DJ, aka Candance Cameron now . Awww man, that’s a pretty cute pic. Her website is here.

The Full House E! True Hollywood story replays:
Mar. 13, 11 p.m.
Mar. 20, 5 p.m.
Mar. 26, 8 p.m

love, jane |

omg! who!

March 11th, 2005 @ 09:35PST

i just looked at janes link to rachel bilson. who is that girl? she is SO CUTE!!! i want to hug her and squeeze her and kiss her and put her in my pocket. also i want that cute green frock she has on. i will pay much money for that dress. do i have to go the drug store and sneak a peak at teen cosmo or whatever?

seriously. where can i buy that dress?!

speaking of fucking totally cute dresses…

here’s one

love, ellie |

speaking of mainstream

March 11th, 2005 @ 09:30PST

the other day i said to my SO, “sorority girl types do not like a dry sense of humor”.

he paused (i fear he was a sorority cootchie snatcher back in the day, darn those handsome men! at least he turned to the dark side just in time.) and looked at me sidelong and said, “yes they do”.

i paused.

“but not in other women they don’t”.

“yes. yes, you are right”

love, ellie |

elevator etiquette

March 11th, 2005 @ 09:18PST

the girlist person in the group gets on and off the elevator first. even if the girlist person in the group ios that totally butch yet flaming guy in the marketing department that always wears a pink shirt.

i love him.

but i wonder how or if he had to struggle wiht his persona. generally being overtly faggy in the business world is not okay. things that are different make people uncomfortable. so did he have to decide to incorporate some mainstream manliness? if i get big and buff and have a deep voice maybe people wont notice that lisp and wear pink and that my boyfriend sends me flowers for my desk all the time.

but that shows how much i kknow about the gay world right? eh? yeah, well. i’ve beent to folsom street fair one too many times to not know what i am talking about. and how many gay friends do i have? lots. duh! i’m a straight girl!

but i am talking _from the mainstream perspective_ here.

love, ellie |

aint nuthin’ like a shitty holiday

March 10th, 2005 @ 15:16PST

at least one a week i drive by an old apartment building i used to live in. it’s near the gym i like to go to. i liked that apartment despite the fact that someone who lived there must have had a dog. the carpet was a nasty brown and smelled like dog. it was big, huge even and had 4 closets. 4 closets!!

i moved into that apartment after a failed love affair with a man that i should never have been with. it’s amazing how utterly and completely wrong for me so many of my ex’s are. why are we so blind?

i was very unhappy and lonely in that apartment for a long time. well, i was unhappy and lonely in general but i was really happy with the apartment.. it being big and with so many closets. i had a lot of time to set it up and do silly in house craft projects, such as covering the kitchen walls with fancy shelf paper.

i didn’t know a whole lot of people in the area. and i commuted 50 miles to school and felt oddly isolated from the people in my classes. i am naturaly hermit like and reticent anyway. being unhappy about my failed love affair just added to my normal social awkwardness.

one year on the fourth of july i was alone. and pretty sad and miserable. i didn’t have anyone to go out with. not even any friends somehow. none that i felt really happy and comfortable to be with. i love fireworks. and i was trying to gear myself up into going out alone to see fireworks. but i couldn’t do it.

this was also the same time i had decided to become an alcoholic. just for the depressing hell of it. i would drink wine, smoke and watch old movies on my couch alone. when i got up from the couch i would often fall over, not realizing how drunk i was.

so i stood on a chair in my dark kitchen with a bottle of wine by my side and watch the tip of some city fireworks. i drive by that kitchen window all the time and i always look at it and try to imagine my very young face sadly looking out. but that night i vowed to not let that sad lonelyness ever happen to me again. i haven’t been entirely successful. but i have done pretty darn well.

love, ellie |

more hot hot hotlinks

March 10th, 2005 @ 09:35PST

First off, a funny, intelligent way to tell someone you’ve fucked that you may have given them an STD. (Note: may also be used for joke purposes)

Secondly, a fascinating directory of cannibalism fetish stories here. I recommend the story “The Stepford Country Club Membership Drive And Picnic.”

Finally, what my friend tells me is an incredibly common fetish, The Erotic Mind-Control Story Archive.

Have fun!

love, jane |

fake and bake reality

March 9th, 2005 @ 14:19PST

Ran across a few articles today on how reality tv is totally scripted:

Those VH1 shows

and

Elimidate encourages girls to be mean and bitchy

and

Those two “socialites.”

And just to cleanse yourself after all that sordidness, a link to some cute Rachel Bilson pics here, because she seems pretty genuine and nice.

love, jane |

Jane’s Halfassed Quiz

March 7th, 2005 @ 19:07PST

Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton: Who would marry, date, have a one night stand with?

I would have a one night stand with Paris, to, you know, get it over with, then spend weeks with my legs crossed, wrenching my hands while waiting for my AIDS results, so I guess I’d date Jessica during that time since she won’t do much without being married, we could have wholesome singalongs and breast fondlings and anyway her Dog In A Vuitton fetish might be charming for a while, and then I’d get my test results and Lo! they’d miraculously be clear so I’d go out and get shitfaced to celebrate and accidently marry Britney in Vegas and hey, it could be worse. I mean, she seems sorta fun, right? Her fuck you to wearing shoes is sorta… adventurous? And her accent’s cute. And she’d probably buy me a lot of stuff and let me sing backup on a song or two. Yeah, it might be alright.

love, jane |

all apologies

March 5th, 2005 @ 17:24PST

i think i have used that title before…

business trips suck.
getting used to new jobs and longer hours sucks.
being sick over and over and over again really sucks.
shoveling snow sucks.
getting into fender benders sucks and sucks some more.

please forgive my extended quietude as i have been ridiculously busy.

thanks to jane for holding us up.

and i just realized i have a whole big to-do list just for this little blog:

1. back up all our files
2. switch from current server to new server that can run perl storable
3. load new-new version of mt
4. load new version of mt blacklist (requires perl storable)
5. clean out all spam comments (UGH)
6. finish/debug/load new design
7. re-enable comments w/typekey

i am so so so sorry that i have not gotten any of this done before now. i promise that i will try very very hard.

even though we aren’t too prolific lately our hits are still stable. which is nice.

thanks.

love, emmie |

loose

March 5th, 2005 @ 04:15PST

There is something incredibly attractive about a guy with his tie and collar loosened. It’s soooo hot!

Another thing I like is when I’m walking next to a guy I dig and our hands keep brushing against each other. It’s uncomfortably comfortable.

Once a guy traced invisible circles on my legs going higher and higher and higher. I won’t ever forget that.

love, jane |

spring hottness

March 3rd, 2005 @ 06:22PST

This snow has gotta melt because I am so fucking ready for spring.

I want a new spring handbag

…and a pair of those giant sunglasses.

P.S. hahaha my GIS for Mary-Kate turned up this pic, surely the Olsen twin’s previous incarnation.

love, jane |

Lilly

March 2nd, 2005 @ 05:20PST

rollerskating in the park
ice cream cones after dark

cherry gloss on my lips
rolling eyes, hands on hips

passing notes to my friends
life is great, let’s pretend

love, jane |

lovely smile

March 1st, 2005 @ 16:56PST

Blushing means you’re happily embarrassed.

love, jane |

ipod

March 1st, 2005 @ 02:29PST

There’s something extremely satisfying about a really good ipod shuffle experience- 20, 30 minutes of just every song you want to listen to at that exact moment in time. It’s small things that make me believe in larger things.

love, jane |

pms breakfast surprise

February 26th, 2005 @ 22:25PST

Jane’s Oatmeal

2.5 cups of Chocolate Silk Soymilk
1 mini box of raisins (the kind you used to take to school)
1.5 cups of one minute oatmeal
0.5 teaspoon of salt

Mix everything into a medium sized pan. Cook on medium heat for 3-4 minutes, or until it starts to boil. Let boil for 30 seconds. Turn heat off and cover while you check your email. Serve hot. Enjoy.

love, jane |

pussy fan

February 25th, 2005 @ 01:42PST

Wow, I randomly clicked onto Diablo’s retired pussyranch blog and found she’s blogging HERE! now. Yay!

love, jane |

perpetual victims

February 24th, 2005 @ 18:07PST

girls? what does this mean to you.

do you see people who seem to be perpetual victims? what to do about that?

—-
people might say that people set themselves up to be perpetual victims by asserting their differences. thus, incuring the wrath of the normals. but so really, asserting the differences is their attempt to NOT be a victim but to truely OWN who they are. yet society keeps using this to vicitmize. should they stop assserting themselves to make life easier for themselves and the people who victimize them?

but dont people have a right to live UNMOLESTED. by these supposed victims. who turn around and make everyone else thier victim. by shoving these diofferences in our faces?

i say. fuck all you people. just DO WHATEVER. but dont get in my face. i want to live unmolested by people and their shit. just

GET.THE.FUCK.AWAY.FROM.ME.

love, ellie |

dissatisfied. generally. with everything.

February 24th, 2005 @ 09:30PST

i have a vague feeling of dread and doom. and a more concentrated feeling of hate and dissatisfaction. with many many things right now.

1. i have not started my period.
2. i hate myself right now. i am not acting like, or achieving the things that maybe i should be. and that “maybe” is one of the things i am hating.
3. when you apologize to someone. you want them to acknowlege it as soon as possible and not pout and be an asshole.

who was the asshole first? me or thing number 2?

love, ellie |

white sheets

February 24th, 2005 @ 00:48PST

sometimes when I
think
of you

you’re so
tan
and warm

when I think
of you it’s always
summer

love, jane |

people

February 23rd, 2005 @ 00:51PST

Every so often I talk to someone on the phone, or behind a desk, or meet someone at a party who completely and without effort makes me feel so much better about being Homo sapien and I’ll be in a great mood for the rest of the day.

It’s sort of incredible.

love, jane |

room raiders

February 21st, 2005 @ 23:28PST

Why does every girl on Room Raiders sport misshapen, over-plucked eyebrows? Who are these girls who own not a single book? Who giggle and titter as the guy, without fail, uncovers their vibrator like the final, prized egg in an Easter hunt? Who always smile politely and hug and kiss the boy at the end when they aren’t chosen? That’s some pretty heart-breaking social conditioning, if you ask me.

And the guys, well, they snicker and shove one another because they have a one-third chance of making out with some chick. Ain’t nothing new about that.

love, jane |

embarrassing

February 21st, 2005 @ 12:43PST

I keep things little things like this bookmarked for months…just in case I win the lottery or whoknowswhat.

love, jane |

despair not, spring is just around the corner

February 17th, 2005 @ 11:38PST

I’ve finally gotten that cold everyone’s been coughing and sneezing on me. My throat hurts and my ears hurt and tea just isn’t awesome enough to aid me. Today I woke up feeling blah and unable to get up…sooooo…here are a couple things strewn around my bed right now that I’m enjoying:

A nice, giggly book: Historical Young Adult fiction for tweens and Jane Austen fans.

Old radio on my new ipod: The classics, each reinacted in one perfect hour.

Jessica Alba’s areola peeking out on the new Cosmo cover: She just gets hotter and hotter. I can’t wait for Sin City!

Urban Outfitter’s spring catalog: Frilly, earthy, fairy clothes to flounce around in all summer long. Wheee.

love, jane |

oh man

February 14th, 2005 @ 13:51PST

I just spent the morning walking around with a foamy black earbud cover stuck in my ear. Jesus how embarassing if I’d been anywhere but at home.

love, jane |

familiar face

February 13th, 2005 @ 19:37PST

This weekend I was super flirty with the vitamin guy at the organic food store. While tilting my head and smiling at him, I tried to think who he reminded me of. Then later as I hauled my groceries into the trunk, I realized he looked eerily like a hated ex-boyfriend. I felt ill all the way home.

love, jane |

technology girl

February 12th, 2005 @ 16:26PST

My soothing green numbered (not one of those red numbered scaries) alarm clock has lately begun to emit a low buzzing noise that’s something akin to sleep deprivation torture.

I am somewhat worried that I’ve only drank water out of plastic bottles for like, a year now. I hope I don’t get bottled water cancer or something, though the fact that my favorite brand has been featured on The OC lately is pretty awesome.

When my computer was being fixed a couple weeks ago, it felt like half my brain was gone.

I’ve dropped my ipod about 10 times since I’ve got it. Sometimes I grasp onto the earbud cord as it’s dropping which then disconnects as the ipod hits my foot.

I am so incredibly sick of driving everywhere. Fuck. I want my flying, destination-programmable car. In hot pink.

love, jane |

classroom self-consciousness

February 11th, 2005 @ 04:29PST

One of the worst sensations in the world is feeling my bra strap slipping off my shoulder; I sneakily try to correct it by raising my hand or scratching my shoulder but that never works. I always have to go all the way to the bathroom to get things straightened out. I’m only gone for about 1 minute; I bet people wonder if I forgot to wash my hands or something. By the time I get back to my seat I really do have to pee, but holding it is sometimes more comfortable than bra strap-slippage.

love, jane |

stupid cunts

February 7th, 2005 @ 03:33PST

I drive a lot. Last semester I had to go on two different highways to go to my college. I can understand old people driving slowly. I don’t get mad when a semi thunders past me, shaking my car. I don’t care if I miss a light. I don’t have roadrage.

But.

If one more stupid cunt in a fucking blue minivan cuts me off because she’s gabbing away on her cell and didn’t even check behind her to see that I’m going 90 and now have to slow down to her shitty, safe speed of 72 miles per hour, I’m going to flip her off, whether she has her kids with her or not. Seriously!!!!!!!

love, jane |

lucky 7: gal on a budget

February 2nd, 2005 @ 21:57PST

Well I’ve narrowed it down to two: redhead or blonde. I honestly can’t decide and there’s no hurry either because I’m totally broke. So meantime, please enjoy my thrify hotness tips:

Blistex Pro Care SPF 30. This is like smoothing butter onto your lips. I’m addicted, and for only $2.89 (damnit, I got mine for $2.97 at Wal-Mart).

Curel Fragrance Free Lotion. More than a decade of shaving my legs has taught me never to use anything but Curel, obvs, and it’s still cheap at $8.50 or so. I always use unscented lotions, too, because scented ones can mix weirdly with your perfume, which leads me to my next tip-

Perfume!. I bought a bottle of this in July and I use it about five times a week. It’s a nice, clean perfume to keep at your desk or in your car. The scent reminds me how the most popular girl in middle school’s hair smelled (I’m no hair-sniffing fetishist; we were friends and I spent the night at her house about 20 times until she started listening to ugh, country music and stopped listening to the Pumpkins. Scandalous!).

My favorite hand lotion. You know that stupid SATC ep where Miranda watches infomercials with her hands drenched and gloved in vaseline? I never have to do that because I use this every night. And you know what else? It doesn’t make my vagina sting or irratated if I need to fingerbang myself to sleep.

Lip markers! Sometimes Sephora brand makeup is sorta cheap and cruddy, you know? But I think their lip markers are incredible. My favorite one is raspberry and the strawberry is really, really vivid. I want to try apricot next. Only $10 each!

Natural hotness! I bought some of this in September I think, and it lasted until like two weeks ago. It felt amazing but a word of caution: if you have troubled skin, it will make you break out around your eyes because it’s really packed with oils. I’m using something else now but otherwise, recommended!

This is the most wonderful eye makeup remover I’ve ever used. It is sooo gentle and it lasts a long time- 4 fl oz!. I really like browsing around mothernature.com in general too.

Now go enjoy your thrify hot self! hahaha

love, jane |

i know, i know.

January 25th, 2005 @ 20:22PST

yeah, it’s all fucked up. comments, comment registration, template, everything.

i am going to fix it, i promise. if it kills me (which it might, since i have a nasty case of strep).

but the good news is there will be a pretty new template soon.

love, emmie |

all i need to know i should have learned at amateur night

January 19th, 2005 @ 18:08PST

seriously, i was only just 18. how could i have known? amateur night at strips clubs is a scam in many ways. and its the story of my life. have you ever been to an amateur night? they get girls to audition to be strippers. supposedly women who have never stripped. and there is a mix of women. some of them are professional strippers pretending not to know how. but they end up being really good and getting 3rd prize.then there is the woman who is actually really really embarrased and nervous and scared. how did they get her up there. she stands up on stage naked but for her little g-string. she hunchs her shoulders and cowers a bit. she blushes like mad and her giggles sound almost like sobs. but she is thin and cute with perky little breasts. she doesnt really dance but ends up sort of just standing there. they l;ove her. they cheer her. she wins first place.
then there is me. i am nervous and scared. thin and cute and a little butch witha nose ring. i do not let my nervousness stop me from dancing and strutting a bit. i dont do it well. but i look people in the eye adn try to have a good time. i do not win anything.
girls do not win anything by trying too hard.maybe nobody does. but im a girl and can only speak to my experience.
people and not jst men, want women who are scared and nervous to really be scared and nervous and vulnerable. dont try to concour fear. it makes you unlovable.

love, ellie |

jane, updated

January 16th, 2005 @ 11:15PST

I’ve never had a dream where I was pregnant.

I get cravings for uncommon foods like ice cream sandwiches, golden raspberries, and sushi rice.

The book I ordered from amazon has a coffee stain on the cover and returning it is too complicated.

My new headphones are better than a new manicure.

I have a plastic icicle Christmas ornament dangling from the plant hanger on my ceiling. It’s been there for 3 years.

Recently I learned that perfumes start to decay rapidly after about a year so everything I own smells either of Chanel N5 or Love’s Baby Soft.

Someday I would like to own a white convertible.

love, jane |

Lucky 7: Jane Needs A Makeover

January 4th, 2005 @ 23:28PST

It’s a new year and I need a new look. I have pale skin, dark eyebrows and eye lashes, and straight, auburn hair (guys, that means it looks sorta like Jennifer Aniston’s) so I can do anything. Here are my ideas. I’d appreciate feedback, catcalls, or whatever:

All-American Girl: I’d dye my hair light blonde, wear sparkly brown eyeshadow, and bleach my teeth. I could finally fulfill my fantasy of being really tan while wearing a white bikini. Investment: Going to the dentist. Ugh!

Geeky Indie Girl: Chopping off my hair to a pixie cut. Wearing thrift store skirts. Investment: endless wordrobe of obscure tee shirts.

Girl Next Door, A.K.A. The Classy Breeder: I’d dye my hair chestnut brown and perfect wearing red lipstick without looking slutty. Investment: Publishing a young adult novel for confused, smart, 13-year-old girls.

Euro Trust Fund Trash: Bleaching out my hair Hollywood style, looking great in black Prada sunglasses and a white leather miniskirt. Investment: me somehow winning the lottery or inheriting millions.

The Cupcake: Growing my hair out super long and piling on the pink blush and wet lipgloss. Tight jeans and “cute tops.” Investment: learning to giggle/pout to get my way.

Strawberry Girl: Some say going redhead this year is last year’s brown. I’d wear pink everyday and lots of sexy brown eyeliner.

Mysterious Starlett: Jet black hair and blue contacts. Lots of Calvin Klein. Investment: learning to be extremely confident.

Comments are broken or something. Email me your opinion. I’ll reply!

love, jane |

December 28th, 2004 @ 13:46PST

all i wanted for christmas was my libido back, but i didn’t get that. in fact my stocking was filled to overflowing with bad news and suck news. cripes.

i miss fucking. i miss being horny. but i am just not very often anymore. i do not want to be the long-term relationship cliche where the longer you are with someone the less passion there is. that sucks ass.

sometimes i think that if i would just relax a little and stop pressuring myself to suddenly get horny then i would of course get horny after a couple of days because it is normal to do so. but then it doesn’t happen, and i keep waiting. and in the meantime i am freaking out that boy is freaking out on me. and he is very nice and does not pressure me until it has been like a week. and then he tries to be all playful and flattering and it is so sweet but it just BUGS me instead of making me horny! and then i feel so bitter and annoyed that he is pressuring me. and then i realize it is not his fault, it must be mine somehow, and that makes me even more irritable. i try so hard not to be irritated but if i suppress it then i get downright angry.

it’s like i can’t relax and let myself be seduced. but for some reason i don’t feel like seducing boy. consequently nobody is seduced and i feel put upon and he feels rejected. and the cycle continues.

i am afraid to take one of those herbal supplements although i have certainly considered it. i also wonder if improving my self-esteem would help – i am not fat but i could stand to lose a few. when i was a size 6 i was a raging hornball – of course that was in college which might also explain the hormones… i could get a treadclimber which i inexplicably am convinced is the miracle cure-all (their commercials are very persuasive) – but i can’t really afford one. possibly i should go back on an MAOI? plan A, better living through pharmaceuticals, hooray.

am still fuming about stupid conversation with dad. why does it bother me so much?? he lives so far away it does not even matter probably…

i did manage to find and perfect an awesome enchilada recipe though.

love, emmie |

my ulcer’s name is jolene

December 28th, 2004 @ 13:31PST

there is this person who used to be my best friend who does not understand that ever since she went corporate she is different enough that it is hard for us to get along. i am little drone bee and she was hive queen for a while. and she told me all about how to become hive queen (she just KNEW i could do it, if only i would believe in myself!). which is nice but also sort of condescending. and i started to miss the days when we would pick random indie films off the shelf and analyze them till the wee hours while smoking cloves. and every time she called me it would go “hey, how are you doing? good! let me tell you about this thing at work…” and i would tune out completely.

she got married to a high-maintenance guy who was nice but not like us (er, ME, since she changed too). the guy convinced her to move to the midwest, which she did with little or no warning. she quit her job and didn’t try to find another one where they were moving to. they lived with his parents. his career took off like a rocket because of all the contacts he had in his old stomping ground, and hers fizzled. they separated and got divorced.

she will not leave the midwest although she has no support there. i have implored her to come home and she refuses. meanwhile she is jetting around from city to city having meetings with venture capitalists and trying to launch her own business. which is cool and all. and trying to get me to be a partner. which is nice of her to think of me. but i have so much else going on that i can’t talk about, even HERE, and she just doesn’t understand. she keeps making commitments to her other partners on my behalf and then begging me to come to some meeting or send her some mock-up or something. she thinks my reluctance is a symptom of my low self-esteem. when in actuality it is that i DO NOT LIKE TO WORK WITH FRIENDS, EVER. she knows this (a couple of years ago she offered me a job when she still lived here). now that i have caller ID i literally dodge her phone calls… it makes me so sad.

i know i am not the only one of our circle of friends that she is actively pursuing like this. and the others that i know (there are three i think) also feel harrassed and helpless.

i do not want this to blow up in my face or anything…

love, emmie |

’tis the fucking season

December 27th, 2004 @ 14:39PST

so begin reminding myself of all the failures of this long long year. how can i fuck up next year? i must have some resolutions. one of them will be to remove myself EVEN MORE from situations that i do not like. i am an adult (my new mantra) and do not have to do anything i dont want to do. i can easily extract myself from situations that make me so flaming pissed off i want to stomp on bees until they are all dead. dead i say!!!
you know. i think i have a lot of pent up anger to deal with. i have no idea how tho. maybe stomping on bees will help. let the innocents DIE!

love, ellie |

ellie’s holiday

December 27th, 2004 @ 14:30PST

huh. something’s up with me. i have had the most socially awkward holiday season ever. i have no idea what’s wrong with me. i have nothing to say to anyone. when people are talking i jump in with something about myself thusly killing the conversation. i can’t seem to help myself. it’s horrible! i loathe everyone! next year i will make more of a point to get drunk and use alcohol as a crutch. sheesh.

love, ellie |

next to godliness

December 24th, 2004 @ 11:05PST

Yesterday at the grocery store I was coughed on approximately four times. The lady ahead of me actually sneezed, open-mouthed, all over the snap peas, ruining my idea of a snap pea Christmas. I bought some crisp, prepackaged cucumbers instead.

Today everyone is off work and school so we’re cleaning the house: laundry, dishes, bathroom, dusting. It’s the best present a clean freak like myself could ask for.

Merry Christmas, guys.

love, jane |

a hickey from kenickie is like a hallmark card

December 22nd, 2004 @ 11:46PST

i really do love the last scenes of grease.

danny has secretly spent all year lettering in track and he self consiously sports his lettterman jacket. at the same time Sandy has tarted herself up in to a bad ass momma. the letterman jacket gets removed and trampled and the bad kids rule the school as they should.

i could begin my rant about sports teams in schools here. they are bad and suck. they claim to promote teamspirit and the spirit of competition and other positive things. but i don’t particlularly see it that way. schools should be acedemic only and maybe also provide physical education. non competitive sports.

i feel strongly about this but do not have tiome to present a cogent argument right now. maybe later.

love, ellie |

the rare socio-political rant

December 20th, 2004 @ 18:35PST

same-sex marriage should not be an issue for politicians/legislation/congress/constitution etc. this is freaking bullshit.

several quick thoughts on it:

it was a distraction at the election from the REAL issues.

my neighbors are still gay whether or not one of them gets the house if the other dies – it is a piece of paper, what is the big fucking deal??

heterosexual marriage has not been “sacred” in this country for decades – it is okay for straights to hop from marriage to marriage, often leaving children in their wake? it is kosher for them to get married on a fucking reality show? drive-thru weddings while drunk in vegas are fine? also, men have ALWAYS cheated on their wives, with society’s blessing. how is that fucking sacred??

homosexuality has never been the problem – the problem is PROMISCUITY. physical diseases and moral decay aren’t limited to one sexual orientation. straight people who sleep with half their graduating class also get things like HIV and HPV and herpes, etc.

the constitution of this country should NEVER be amended to add things that a specific group of citizens cannot do; it should only be amended to add freedoms for americans. even abortion isn’t in the freaking constitution.

everyone i have ever heard speak against gay marriage opposes it based on THEIR RELIGIOUS BELIEF that homosexuality is wrong. which clearly makes it a church/state issue, no? and therefore bullshit.

now, let me please just point this article out. a) these straights are clearly having their civil rights trampled, b) some straights in such a situation might learn to empathize with gays who want to get married, c) but the vast majority of them will probably BLAME the gay population for “making a fuss” about what they want in the first place, and d) politicians/the government should fucking be held accountable for attempting to incite some type of social backlash against gays.

this weekend i got into a nice two-hour debate with my dad the other day wherein he informed me that homosexuality is a mental illness. he asked what i would do if i were in a bar and a big bull dyke came over and started hitting on me. i said i would do the same thing if a big straight guy hit on me (or a really femme bisexual) – take my drink and move elsewhere, because i am already seeing someone. he apparently had forgotten that time in college that i wanted to bring home my gay roommate for dinner, and he refused to allow her inside the fence, let alone the house, because she slept with women. he tried to tell me that homosexuality and medical problems go hand-in-hand, just like with inbreeding – i pointed out that gays don’t have biological children together, so the chromosomes of their kids are no more at risk than those of straight parents’ kids.

my mom sat quietly through our debate and picked at her food. i know she feels more like him than i do, but she also feels more like me than he does. she hates it when we fight.

all i know is that i am more depressed than ever right now about where i come from. i thought they kept people like him in museums so we could poke them with sticks and stuff, i never imagined that i actually KNOW someone who spouts jerry falwell crapola!

i sort of wanted to come out to him just to be spiteful. and to point out that i have probably made more girls come than he has. but i thought better of it, since we were in a restaurant at almost christmas and everything.

too many people do not understand that while i do love lots of the things about my home state, just because i am from there does not automatically make me an intolerant, ignorant, racist redneck. THAT pisses me off.

love, emmie |

Lucky 7 – Christmas Guide

December 18th, 2004 @ 05:16PST

Emmie’s last post reminded me just how frustrating it can be to shop online. Luckily I’ve become pretty adept at clicking ass. Let’s go!

7. TV Wear. I just discovered this site last week so I haven’t ordered anything yet. However, the possibility of looking as hot as Lorelai or as cute as Veronica fills me with delight. I will totally utilize this place as soon as I get some Christmas money.

6. ShopBop. Super trendy, super expensive. They sell L.A.M.B. and Marc Jacobs and a slew of other pretty things. This is where you shell out for one really hot skirt and buy the rest of your stuff at Old Navy for the next 6 months.

5. Swatch. Everyone needs a watch! Last year I bought my brother a James Bond watch from this site and he loved it. Recommended!

4. Yahoo Shopping. Still hungover from last night and feeling braindead? They have lists and suggestions and most of their sites are bland and motherly. Perfectly soothing for your pounding brain.

3. Zappos. Ok, this is the mecca for good deals on cool shoes. I have ordered probably 20 pairs from here in the past year. The good news is I’ve only sent back maybe five, and the better news is their returns are really easy- you just print out a return label. Once I even scuffed up the bottoms of a pair I wasn’t sure about by walking around the house in them and they still took them back. Zappos is the place to buy YOURSELF a present.

2. Sephora. Gift sets are for co-workers, man. If you want to impress a hot girl, get her some nice perfume. Chanel N5, Prada Prada, and Clean are each winners. You also can’t go wrong getting your girl a gift certificate. But dude, not a crappy $25.00 one because that’s how much a decent blush or lip gloss costs. Get her at least a $75.00.

1. Amazon. The penultimate palace for clicky clicky free shippy. They sell everything of course, but I particularly love that they sell Dover Thrift Editions. I’ve been picking up a bunch of the classics for a buck or two, and now you can too. Nothing gets you more blowjobs/eaten out than a stack of Joyce and Emerson.

Ok, now a some sites to avoid because they’ve fucked me over
somehow:

4. Ebags. Ugly shit. Don’t be fooled by their prices.

3. Urban Outfitters. omg, their site is a mess. They never have
free shipping AND you have to pay to return things.

2. Nordstrom. Shitty, bitchy service when I had to return a skirt.
Also, their site is suppppper slow. WTF? this isn’t 1999, hire some
tech people. You can afford it!

1. Target. I know, I know! it’s SUPPOSED to be the house of
awesome. Howevs, you can’t tell just how cheap something is going
to look online..you actually have to go to their store to find that
out.

love, jane |

can i just say

December 16th, 2004 @ 20:06PST

how much i love skechers shoes but their customer service SUCKS ASS. their ordering system is all hypersensitive about the stupid billing address and will cancel any order when the town is not exactly right (my zip code returns about five different town names depending on what system you use). also. i returned two AWESOME pairs of boots for a different size using their little return label crap. two weeks go by and i hear nothing, then i get an email saying the item i want is “unavailable for exchange”?! wtf does THAT mean? they refunded it and now i have no boots. then i go to their site to order some more, in the RIGHT size, and they changed their site all around and there is a much smaller selection now. grr.

also, what is the protocol when someone you cannot stand and have butted heads with professionally on a regular basis for over one year gets you a cute little christmas tree in a pot with snowflakes and snowman decorations?? i hate her but i like the gift. but now i feel sort of obligated to buy her something? but i can’t do that because i can barely afford to get my kid sister something you know? she is so not a priority but i don’t know how to handle it…

am i the only one that gets all choked up listening to christmas music? i can’t decide if it is that christmas means so much to me that i get emotional or if it depresses me so much that i have to cry. i should go back to my shrink possibly…

love, emmie |

the new big thing! its fucking stupid!

December 16th, 2004 @ 11:33PST

yeah. i mean. i know my boyfriend likes tiny skinny women. (which i am not) he also likes super together professional womean. (which i also am not). but fortunatly he also loves me so it’s not like i give a shit if he looks at other women. he can go ahead. just not like all the time in front of me.. that might start to make me feel bad and probably would mean he was either a jerk or that something was wrong with the relationship.

i am not having this problem however. and for that i am happy.

but that entry i read on anotrher womans blog was really what i was talking about. i think she should have gone ahead and dated the guy at the strip club. if he wanted to be dating a stripper he probably could just date one of them. yet he wanted to date her so.. whatever. who cares.

so the new big thing seems to be pole dancing. someone the other day was all like, yeah i am having a brass pole installed in my apartment. and i burst out laughing. and after i wiped the tears from my eyes i looked up and realized that everyone was staring at me and not laughing… wtf? pole dancing? i mean, yeah its a form of dancing that takes some skill and it can be fun to watch and fun to do i guess. and if your a dancer and into that shit then fine.

i just thought it was silly and pretencious somehow.

have a pole installed in your house for fucks sake? woo hoo! lets have a pole dancing party!!!

whatever, i clearly am not cool and with it because i think it is retarded. and i tend to absolutely loathe people who require that kind of attention.

love, ellie |

i dont remember where

December 14th, 2004 @ 18:05PST

some blog i was reading the other day… posed the question of whether one ought to date a man who works in a strip club as a bartender. the problem being that he gets to look at stripper cliber tits and ass all day and may be less than satisfied with your possibley less than stripper caliber body.

i dont know. are guys really playing that constant comparison game? do they look at hotter, skinnier, fluffier haired mercedes driving women and wish their own was more like that?

i dont do that with other guys and my boyfriend. if he gains a few pounds or whatever i notice.. but it doesnt make me start staring after skinnier men…

now i often compare myself to other women. i think this is some horrible torture women submit themselves to.

love, ellie |

hurts so good?

December 14th, 2004 @ 18:03PST

when i have a really intense orgasm i often get a cramp in my lower leg… anyone else have that problem?

love, ellie |

yeah i’m a bitch

December 14th, 2004 @ 11:28PST

but then this morning on the gym television there was some gnarly show about this guy whose wife died. and yeah, that’s really sad and sucks for all. but it seemed rather sickening to me that they were all congratulating him on being able to pick out his sons clothes suceessfully in the morning, feed both of them AND have a job all at the same time. hmmm, how does it feel? is it hard? i mean, it’s not everyday that a man has to play all those roles all by himself like that right?

how is it that his wife used to do ALL the cooking and dress the kid properly and become a fucking astronaunt before she died. didn’t she have any help? how is it that the dad only knew how to cook hotdogs?

why do women always get custody of kids?

love, ellie |

lucky 7

December 13th, 2004 @ 19:46PST

I took my science final today. Classes are over. So, let’s see what’ve I learned this semester…

7. I know I’m somewhere in the middle of the line of girls who want to fuck the living shit out of Jon Stewart (remember when he had brownish black hair? I do!) but I seem to be the only one asking the hard quesiton: why aren’t we being utilized? C’mon Jon, you have an army of about 1.2 million hot, liberal college girls at your disposal. What do you want done? We’ll do it!

6. Judy Blume, still an awesomely talented milf. She’s the first ever young adult author to receieve this medal. And of course “Stephanie is into hunks” is still the giggliest opening for a book in MY book.

5. I’m in love with Bree Van De Kamp. Supposedly we’re all supposed to identify with the vacuous, doe-eyed klutzy everywoman Susan, but godDAMN she’s a moron and I pray every week for a Bree-centric ep. I am smitten with her perfect hair, her symmetrical eyebrow, her slow-burn vixen stare, and her totally intense chemistry with Zach the neighbor boy, her son, AND her marriage counseler.

4. I stopped dicking around buying scores of $6 lipglosses at Walgreens because I really only need DiorKiss in Red Currant 778. Best plumping action I’ve seen all semester, ha!

2. I nearly could’ve aced this class if I hadn’t been so distracted with doing nothing. Er, what I mean is, my lower back is totally fucked up and I have to rest on my bed with my feet up a lot. I may even have to take next semester off for surgery. Anyone have any advice about multiple stress fractures in your back?

2. Despite his sleepy, possibly hungover, lusty stares, Scruffy Boy spoke not to me. Still, it was nice to be sorta admired all semester. And now that finals are over, I can forget everything I learned about terriginous sediment and free up that space for say, multiple crushes on boys.

1. Best news in months: I’m not gross after all! Remember a couple months ago I mentioned possibly having a vaginal cyst? Well! I went for a check-up today and turns out it was just a small vein that was irritated and inflamed. Guess who’s getting fingerbanged tonight? Me!!!!!!

love, jane |

one more week of school

December 8th, 2004 @ 21:08PST

Tonight I reread “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.” I think I like it better now than I did when I was 10.

Today I skipped class and slept till 3 in the afternoon so tomorrow I’m stuck listening to taped lectures in the library.

Last night I dreamed the most popular girl in fifth grade was now my friend all grown up. She tried on every lipstick I owned and all I felt was disgust. I fake smiled at her the way she used to do to me.

I never had a magical summer where I grew ungawky and John Cusack never had an integral role in my sexual development. I feel shitty I don’t look 19 anymore and sometimes I want to have a baby.

A lot of times I have these just, incredibly WASPy daydreams about my future with pearls and linens and churches and charities and prep schools. A lot of other times I just want to move somewhere warm.

I can’t fucking wait until this semester is over. I want to buy myself a present for making it through. Any ideas? (nothing over $150).

love, jane |

I talked to scruffy boy

December 1st, 2004 @ 20:25PST

I missed class Monday so today I went up to him and said, “Hey, were you here Monday?” and he was like, “Yeah..” (pause) “Do you think I could copy your notes? ” “I was only for like half the class.”

Me: “Oh… Well…”

“And I don’t take really good notes, so I’m probably not the guy you want to ask for that.”

Me: “Oh, OK, thanks…”

Him: “No problem.”

And then he walked away, the fool!

I had perfect pink lips and smooth pony-tailed hair. I was wearing a white angora sweater and man, angora sweaters make you look soft and pettable and when boys see you in one they’re like, “omg boobies, must touch.”

It was pretty disappointing.

So..is he…

A. Gay
B. Hungover
C. “Just not that into me”
D. Something I haven’t thought of

Help.

love, jane |

ghost house

November 29th, 2004 @ 22:13PST

This weekend I drove past a restored Victorian house not far from where I grew up. Two men were on a ladders painting the house: half was white and the other was light blue. I struggled to recall which was being painted over what.

This is a house I’d walked by approximately eight thousand times in my life on the way to school and I couldn’t recall if it had always been white or blue.

I decided it was a ghost house, designed to only be seen out of the corner of my eye. And I respect that.

love, jane |

cure for the common cough

November 28th, 2004 @ 22:29PST

I was delighted to read this article, as cough drops blow after the first dozen or so.

Read it, it’s about chocolate!

love, jane |

’bout damn time

November 27th, 2004 @ 08:40PST

someone thought to make one of these! (also in a more lovey design)

i will be begging for six or eight of them for my sofa this holiday…

love, emmie |

totally need to know

November 22nd, 2004 @ 23:34PST

UPDATED!

girls: is it wrong that I think the side ponytail is cute?

guys: are white panties always hot even if you have really, really pale skin?

Even though I have the most pallid white legs, you convinced me and I bought some really soft and pretty white panties tonight.

Also, I will continue to proudly sport the cute side ponytail to class.

Thanks guys!

love, jane |

interesting

November 22nd, 2004 @ 10:53PST

so i always drive by this place where one of my crazy friends used to live. it makes me sad. should i or should i not try to call him? he is a bit nuts now. extra nuts. i mean, before he was basically normal and we would hang out and maybe he would go off on some dumb thing.. but everyone has little weird things. to bad he is now hunkered down in his moms basement making shitty casio keyboard music.
what does one do about that. he�s smart and shit. and cute too may i add. although his dick was like one of those long skinny ones that i tend to not like so much. they are a little to stabby if you know what i mean.
not that i slept with him within recent memory. probably the last time i did was like 15 years ago. (scary! old!).
once i set him up with one of my youngish classmates. she was really too young for him i guess. but they continued this fucked up relationship for like 3 years. he despised her intellectually. he thought she was dumb. and he secretly thought she was too fat too. the asshole. yeah but he kept right on fucking her. and to her he was this shining example of middle class whiteness. def. something to strive for. and he wasn�t some fucked up 19 year old dude. he had a steady job and a car and a place to live and hobbies and stuff. he was relatively stable compared to a normal degenerate 19 year old hippy dude.

all of this pissed me off tho. he was smart and nice but he was treating this girl really abhorrently. i think alot of it was peer pressure. he’s friends. all ivy league educated with masters degrees, all white and in shape and good looking. and HUGE JERKS! they looked down on her. but in unguarded moments he was happy with her.

he an i used to fight occasionally. he would say something dumb like “well i just only find really really thin girls attractive”. and i just thought that was offensive. i never really decided to not date someone because they were not GQ material. I�ve dated all kinds of people. big, small, tall, very short, men, women, punks, professionals. all kinds. and they were all good in some way or another.

love, ellie |

disgusting

November 22nd, 2004 @ 10:41PST

i am disgustingly happy. really. it’s gross. i’m not sure what to do. i loathe happy people. well at least i am still bittter and disillusioned underneath the happiness.

next week is going to be worse. i will be happy AND glowing. and the week after people at work will see me happy and glowing. grody to the max.

love, ellie |

fuck.

November 21st, 2004 @ 15:41PST

You never know how many friends you don’t have until it’s 4 am and it’s been probably the shittiest week so far and you have no one to call and say goodbye to because you swear this time you’re really going to do it.

love, jane |

November 17th, 2004 @ 08:28PST

i do not want to go to work today.

nothing heinous is happening at work. i am just feeling so lazy. i want to loaf around in my PJs all day. it’s the weather i guess.

plus i got some new sex toys. i got these modern connected silicon ben wa balls. and man they are hard to keep in. one sneeze or one laugh and the pop out. i kinda like them tho. i’ve been wearing them and hula hooping and running up and down the stairs.

love, ellie |

Here’s what happened

November 16th, 2004 @ 18:49PST

The plan was executed. Here’s how it went down:

I stood up with the attendance sheet in my hand, walked two feet, handed it to him, (thankfully I didn’t trip and fall on my face like in a bad chick lit novel) and looked at him while I held out the paper. I tried to smile but totally, totally failed, and I immediately lowed my eyes and stared at the table and managed a sort of half-smile/half-grimace.

He said in this scruffy (which is now his theme word) voice, literally, “Thank you,” so that’s hopeful, right?

Help.

What should I do next?

love, jane |

scruffy hair, scruffy shoes

November 14th, 2004 @ 18:37PST

I’m tired of sneaking glances at the cute boy who sits at the other end of the room from me in my science class. Tomorrow I’m going to sit in his row and smile as I pass him the attendance sheet.

Or, heh, at the very least, I can eye him from a new angle. Sigh. He’s so cute!

Help.

Seriously, any advice guys?

love, jane |

test

November 14th, 2004 @ 13:47PST

Test your toy knowledge [via fark].

I got 11 of 14.

love, jane |

driving with the windows down

November 10th, 2004 @ 18:01PST

The best thing about today was weaving in and out of traffic going 90 miles per. At one point I passed this bakery truck and my whole car filled with the smell of fresh bread.

It was wonderful.

love, jane |

I want my M(ars)TV

November 9th, 2004 @ 06:53PST

what a blah November day. Luckily I am going to pizza and TV tonight; Veronica Mars is on!

Diablo Cody, formerly of Pussyranch fame, wrote a really nice article on Veronica Mars, which can be read here …

AND!

…UPN announced this week that the show will complete its first season, so start watching and getting invested in the awesome drama of TV lives.

Veronica Mars airs Tuesdays at 9/8C on UPN. Watch or die.

love, jane |

and another thing

November 8th, 2004 @ 20:53PST

please keep your army of skanks at bay.

love, ellie |

explain something to me

November 8th, 2004 @ 20:51PST

when does being inconsiderate cross the line and become passive aggressive?

i really don’t know.

i don’t even think i know how to really even be angry anymore. when i feel angry or even sad for fucks sake i just get worried about it, internalize all of it and make myself sick. fuck it. i should just allow myself the luxury of actually getting mad. but every time i do i just get accused of being bitchy. so wheres the line there? between being bitchy and being legitimately angry?

love, ellie |

Haiku for a dinner that tastes like feet

November 8th, 2004 @ 20:40PST

recipe calls for
weird shit not in my fridge.
i substitute beer.

love, ellie |

it just happened again.

November 8th, 2004 @ 20:32PST

ugh! it happened again! i didn’t think it would!

but lo! there it was.

hey girl, you have GOT to try this thing. it is sooooo great. i mean really fucking great holy shit everyone should be doing this.

er. i did almost the same thing last year and you were like, “omg, that is so totaly stupid and not great”

why is that?

i HAVE got to learn to talk shit up. every-fucking-one else does.

love, ellie |

in perfect harmony

November 8th, 2004 @ 20:29PST

i heard on npr today someone talking about some county in nevada that voted overwhemlingly for Bush, stated overwhelmingly that moral issues were strongly considered and they also voted to NOT over turn some legislation limiting prostitution.

so? what’s the big deal you say?

well, my main point here is that i’m not sure there is a point. i mean, first i was going to point and say “hypocrites!”. but i can’t really do that. my first thought was morals/religeous views/business decisions.

erg. cant finish this now.

love, ellie |

that’s why i broke up with him

November 8th, 2004 @ 07:47PST

boy actually TOLD other people we know who are very politically vocal (and narrowminded) who i voted for! without my express written consent!!!

yaaargh!

is it just me or did everyone grow up with the understanding that you don’t ask people their age, their weight, or who they voted for??

love, emmie |

haiku for emmie’s guilty pleasure

November 8th, 2004 @ 07:25PST

it is so very
gratifying to piss off
that bitch i work with!

love, emmie |

sigh

November 6th, 2004 @ 19:39PST

i guess i should go back on them. without i am an insufferable bitch.

love, ellie |

public service announcement

November 5th, 2004 @ 21:21PST

I was in an urban sort of bind this week. I found myself on my way to an appointment sans mascara so I stopped at Walgreens and picked up some Loreal Lash Architect.

Ok, so like, this is the worst mascara I’ve ever used and dude, in fifth grade I used to use Cover Girl Waterproof Mascara which tore my lashes from their roots upon any sort of removal attempt.

Yet this 8 dollar disaster was scads worse: made my lashes clump together worse than Madonna in that one video, it left little dried chunks of black on the tips of my lashes, which I then tried to pick off, and the wand was ungraspable because it had these weird edges on it.

And then the smudging started.

Cripes.

So just thought I’d warn you all.

love, jane |

i can take it

November 5th, 2004 @ 16:08PST

no really, go ahead and criticize me i can fucking take it. i can totally take fucking shitty stupid criticism. what? you think i am not PC enough? too much of a feminazi? fuck off! you suck!

take that!

love, ellie |

Everybody was kung fu fighting

November 5th, 2004 @ 14:06PST

Screw you people. You’ve clearly all been happily posting away not caring that I have been locked in my basement for 6 months. Living with only one no doubt record for company and some old nation magazines. It’s no way to live let me tell you. If I see another box of kraft mac and cheese ever again I may go berserk.

I sent in my absentee ballot. and look what happened. The rest of the idiot county voted for bush. But oh wait, various reputable news organizations are reporting that voting machines recorded extra votes for Bush all over the country. Hmmmm. No extra votes for Kerry? How come there are no extra votes for Kerry happening anywhere? STRANGE.

Or is it.

I am frightened of this all Republican congress and government

I am going back to my basement. But this time I am bringing a vibrator.

love, slutpink |

I like unimportant things too

November 3rd, 2004 @ 19:13PST

90% of things on my wish list fall under the “cosmetic procedures/surgeries” category. Like, if I was rich, I positively see no reason why I should ever have to shave my armpits ever again. Laser me up, bitches!

What’s the first thing you would have done if suddenly rich?

love, jane |

motivation

November 3rd, 2004 @ 14:04PST

how wrong is it to have my motivation be couched as “revenge”? i do this a lot about many kinds of things. sdmoething pisses me off and i decide to do seomthing out of revenge. well, if i do shit this way i will WIN! MUHAHAHAH.

i’m like that star trek creature that lived and grew strong from negative thoughts and emotions.

love, ellie |

on a totally unimportant note.

November 3rd, 2004 @ 10:09PST

i went to sephora yesterday and there was some guy there doing demos of this spray on foundation. now have you seen the “spray on legs”? LEGS for sucks sake. i saw my mom fairly recently and i looked at her legs and yelled “do you freaking have spray legs on?!!” she didn’t. instead she had hilarious TOELESS pantyhose on . who knew?

anyway. spray on legs. that’s so funny.

so i thought, why the hell not? let someone put some makeup on me. free makeup!

it ended up looking pretty good. maybe the shade was a tad dark and that’s why i spazzed. i looked at myself close up and i looked _just like my mother_ oh, it was scary. she has terrible skin. and so do i. i realized that i could see pores in places where there should be no pores. hideous. i immediately went and bought pore minimizing shit.

but it was the looking like my mother part that really freaked me. i mean, i do look very much like her anyway. but to haveto inherit the weird skin. grrrr. thank god so much technology goes in to research for make-up and shit… (aggg! did i just sayt that? well, it’s better than weapons.)

when i am rich i will certainly waste money on shit like pore zapping or whatever they call it. oh yes i will.

love, ellie |

keanu for prez

November 3rd, 2004 @ 09:05PST

maybe i should ave more republican friends? that way i wouldn’t have spent so much time preaching to the choir.
maybe we should have all moved to ohio for the duration to tip the scales there.
how is it that i dont know anyone who voted for Bush?

tv is the doom of us all. why can’tr people see that this mass entertainment is just like the games in rome? mass entertainment is a form of supression. people wont NOTICE that our wetlands are dimishing and they wont CARE either. just feed them lies and some vapid tv shows.

i’m gonna barf.

love, ellie |

Stewart For Prez

November 2nd, 2004 @ 17:54PST

Voting was fun, sure, but what I’m really looking forward to is The Daily Show coverage tonight.

love, jane |

gender shmender

November 1st, 2004 @ 14:56PST

i am terrified of gender roles. the standard ones i mean.

so much so that i sit here and start to think about how sexy my man is and then i think about marriage and babies and shit like that. and then i stop thinking about anything remotely sexy and run off to hide trembling in the corner of my closet.

do not let a man darken my door step ever again.

yet at the same time i like the hideous and scary gender roles. on the basic day to day level..

loh, could you hold me in your big strong arms and then please open this jar for me? thanks. excuse me dear, could you carry this large heavy unwieldy item and then go fix my carburetor? thanks

what if i have babies some day and then decide to stay home and take care of them? will i do nothing but talk about babies? ytou know how many blogs are out ther that are moms talking about babies? it makes me want to barf.
i sense that i am going to become one of them sometime in the next 5 years. especially since the rest of my brain is so fucking boring i want to kill it. how easy and niced it would be to be able to fill it with boring crap about babies. oh i could do it. i would be spectacular.

i could not do that. i could keep my job and chcuk the kid in daycare as soon as possible. but mty job is pretty lame. having a kid could me my excuse to like go back to school like every other mom i know.

but then i would be this horrible moocher on my partner. also, the sound of a baby crying makes me want to off myself. maybe it is different when one has their own baby?

fuck. i think i’ll go take some mechanical things apart and then put them back together.

love, ellie |

the girl with the cutest underwear

November 1st, 2004 @ 14:39PST

and she’s a winner! her underwear has little skulls all over it! screw that granny panty wearing bitch.

uh, i guess.

i normally would want to hear that i won the dating game because of something other than my underwear. but what the hey, i’ll take what i can get. it’s a good thing i am an underwear freak on my own or that information would have made me start worrying about whether or not my underwear was cute enough.

although really i think my favorite pairs are the very plain like 10 year old calvin klein cotton string bikini ones. they rock and i remember buying them and i wish they would make them again. i was still a student and had zero money. however, macys was smart enough to give me a credit card so i went and immeditely spent like 300$ on under things. go me…

for men i prefer boxer briefs. i’ve dated people of all shapes and sizes and i must say thatmy favorite is a nice tall strong man in boxer briefs. oh yum. oh my. i wish i was at home.

love, ellie |

join in!

November 1st, 2004 @ 10:29PST

why is there so much pressure to be extroverted in this society? be part of a group. leave your inhibitions blah blah blah blah.

love, ellie |

National voting day

October 30th, 2004 @ 23:32PDT

If I were president I’d make the first Tuesday in November a national holiday and it would be super illegal for your boss to make you come in anyway. This would be beneficial for teens as well since they’d get to feel smug about running the country’s gas stations and video stores for a day.

I’d like to see this holiday become on par with Mexico’s Day Of The Dead celebration. We would eat sugar skulls of Lincoln and Washington and decorate voting halls with candles and marigolds. Or, perhaps more realistically, we would get drunk and shoot off our guns.

If I were president I’d also make Halloween a national holiday and do away with daylight savings time. There are many countries (Japan among more than a hundred others) which don’t practice this nonsense. “Screw you fall back, spring ahead” is what I say.

In conclusion, I’m pretty stoked about voting alongside Millie, Ethel, and Leo on Tuesday. Who’s with me?

love, jane |

the old me

October 29th, 2004 @ 14:01PDT

hee! in the store yesterday a tiny cute very young little dykey girl appproached me.

“which thigh highs are sexier.”

“duh! the ones with the bows!”

she was a little shaved head girl with too many facial peircings.

“i’m trying to seduced this girl and i want to look girly and sexy. i haven’t worn a dress for like 2 years! i even shaved my legs!”

“omg! you’re like me 10 years ago! fuck!!! you are so cute!! do not shave your legs just wear the cute thigh highs!”

oh god there is nothing cuter than a baby dyke and never mind a baby dyke trying to be girly and sexy. she was all blushing and brandishing her wallet chain.

i loved her.

love, ellie |

Happy 30th Birthday, Joaquin Phoenix!

October 28th, 2004 @ 22:32PDT

You first perked me in middle school when I was home sick and bored but then To Die For came on TV. I remember I was drinking a lot of tea so I kept having to run to the bathroom. And on one trip, I was walking backwards so as not to miss anything and I stumbled and then fell over my brother’s soccer ball. heh. Anyway, you are way hot and talented and I’m hardly ever gawky anymore so maybe you can Oscarbang me with your statuette when you win next year for playing Johnny Cash. Happy birthday!

love, jane |

do not spread the happy

October 28th, 2004 @ 18:14PDT

who am i to say that people can’t go about changing their minds about shit, their own lives for fucks sake?
but you know, it irritates me., in the way that a very bi-polar person is irritating. the state of mind changes for no reason apparent to the outside world. and that’s irritating. once again, not that people need to supply me with a reason when they change their minds.

here’s the thing about it. when you have a stance or an idea about life and you preach it loudly and incessantly. and you sort of act all superior when other people are not living life the way you are or they are not interested in the things you are currently interested in. and you really make a big fucking deal about it all the fucking time.

and then… you change your mind.

and you make a big point to start talking about your new thing. pretty much just ignoring the original thing that was the total opposite as though you expect other people to not remember.

and that brings me to another thing. like no one fucking cares what you are doing anyway. so shut the fuck up.

i just hate people who need attention in this way.

here is a very silly sort of example. let’s say that i love a specific brand of make up. i love it, it’s great, it makes me feel fabulous. i tell everyone about it. i talk about it all the time, i learn everything about the creator and everything. then one day for whatever reason i decide i hate it. now after i have tried to convince everyone i know to use it also i have suddenly switched. and i talk about this new brand of make up incessantly and sort of sneer at people wearing the old brand.

okay i know that’s a dumb example and it’s one i just randomly made up. but do you get my basic point?

so why was i extolling the virtues of the first brand of make up? i really liked it so i wanted other people to like it also. i wanted validation that it was a good brand and that it made me look as good as it made me feel. it did make me feel and look good and i sincerely wanted to let others know so that they could also partake and feel and look good also. and it made me HAPPY. don’t you want your friends to be happy? and don’t you want to KNOW that those friends are happy? spread the happy! right?…

its the hammering of it that makes it suspicious. feel free to mention it a few times. but please not all the time. and don’t refer back to it in every conversation even when we are talking about nuclear physics. right?

am i the only one who finds this so irritating. and just imagine a senario in which we are not talking about make-up but the WAY you live your life. and imagine that it is a person you are used to sort of looking up to for some reason someone who in the past you have let your life be guided by them.

note to self: do not allow such fuck faces to have anything to do with your life ever again. in fact don’t even bother to talk to that person anymore. the perks do not make up for it.

love, ellie |

i should have stopped.

October 28th, 2004 @ 14:49PDT

i was just sitting here and a glanced over and saw a piece of tape with something written on it on a box. so weird. i suddenly recognized the handwritting. i remember her and the last time i saw her. she was standing on a street corner, her hair was bright pink, she was 8 or 9 months pregnant, she was waiting for the bus. i didnt stop.

love, ellie |

speaking of girliness…

October 28th, 2004 @ 14:35PDT

i fukcing love shopping. for anything. i have so many clothes i don’t have enought room for all of them. i have my underwear on rotation for fucks sake.

anyway. i think i will go buy some girly magazines. i rarely induldge in them. but sometimes a good hideous girly mag is jsut the thing. and when i say girly mag i do not mean “shaved asian pussy” or “nugget”. i mean like cosmo or something.

i actually rather like the more get in shape type mags. they are more likely to have normally shaped models.

speaking of shopping. i do not have a halloween costume. nor any idea of what i want to be. maybe i will go look for a costume. i feel fat and am bleeding right now so i just dont feel like dressing up much. except in my fucking totally cute new skirt that i got on sale yesterday. it has bows!

love, ellie |

the threadbare excuse

October 28th, 2004 @ 14:27PDT

i feel so boring kind of suddenly. other peoples lives sound more interesting. mine stretchs ahead in a stressful and dreary fashion. my own thoughts crowd me. guilt crowds me. i’ve gained like 10 pounds almost. there is no where to put anything. i expect too much or not enough from people.

but the page was torn, everybody else was doing it…

i was thinking the other day about expectations. in my head i was leacturing a friend of mine. i had witnessed an interaction between her and her new boyfriend. and i was thinking girl you are dooming yourself and him already. i could see that she was having “girly” sort of expectations about his behavior. you just can’t expect people to behave the way they do in your head or dreams. her new boyfriend is a fucking total geek. a cute and nice one i grant you. although i did describe him as a short fat winnie the pooh once… but whatever, he’s her knight in shining armor right now. and that’s great. but like she needs to keep in mind who he actually is. and if he doesnt get on bended knee and kiss her hand every time he sees her it isnt a failing of his. her expectation is incorrect.

i’ve had expectations of my own in the past and looking back they were a bit dumb. and men have had expectations of me that were very dumb and put undue pressure on me and relationships were ruined.

you just shouldnt expect people to act in ways that are not suited to them. i find it difficult to … rely on people? i think that is what it is. being self sufficient is very important. and i havfe worked hard to become so. atthe expennce of other things in my life. for one thing, my day to day job is something i dont give a shit about but i make a decent amount of money at it. and i support myself in the grand style to which i have become accustomed. if i want something i go buy it for myself.

i had another friend once who complained to me that her boyfriend didn’t buy her flowers. and so i said, well did you ask him to? and she said, “well, NO! that would ruin it.i want him to want to go buy me flowers”.
and okay, i can sort of understand that. but really it is just fucking stupid. i told her to go buy her damn self some flowers and she did.i buy myself flowers all the time. if i want something i can buy it for myself.

it comes back to the way men and women expect each other to act. each person should examine that feeling and the reasoning behind it.

also recently i kind of decided i would allow myself to depend on someone else for something… something i need, something i could probably do by myself in some fashion. but somehtings are better done wioth two people. anyway, i find it very difficult and i am impatient. i tried to make it clear that this thing was actually very important to me. it did not make it clear that asking for help was difficult. and yesterday i was kind of a cunt about it. now i dont know what to do. i could drop the expectation and go my own way and find my own solution…

love, ellie |

holy girly grail

October 27th, 2004 @ 22:40PDT

I just discovered the most transcendent site: e.l.f. cosmetics, which stands for eyes, lips, face; precious! So this place, they don’t test on animals, everything’s packed with antioxidents, AND AND AND! each of their products are only a dollar.

I just ordered a slew of pretty crap for 25 bucks. In a few days I am going to look and smell wonderful (because everything is sweetly scented).

Wheee…

love, jane |

he is such a boy

October 27th, 2004 @ 08:35PDT

he doesn’t vote because he doesn’t believe in the system, he said. his vote doesn’t actually count. i pointed out that if there are two million people in this country that feel like he does, that’s the makings of a revolution right there. he agreed there should be a revolution.

i asked him what his solution would be. he said there was no solution. i started over, from the beginning: what are the loopholes in our current system that are causing the disenfranchisement of millions of voters?

1. not all states conduct electoral voting the same way
2. electoral college is not required by law to vote the way of the popular vote
3. population density skews the electoral vote
4. only the richest men can afford to run

he said he is for states’ rights. i said then you are a southerner at heart, HA! he agreed with me, for once. then i said that democracy = majority rules. means someone (the minority) will always feel “disenfranchised”. but he said democracy = the biggest bully wins. in practice, maybe… but that’s not the point. he said even a perfect democracy still isn’t fair. i said what is more fair? he said NOTHING was. so we stalemated for a while.

i had visions of mobilizing hundreds of thousands of people, using the web of course, to march peacefully in demand of overhauling our current electoral system. he would throw out the partisan system entirely. he would divvy up the country into four regions and give each region an election. four presidents who look out for their area of the country. i wonder if this could work… but doesn’t that somehow in the end bring us back to the population density thing??

i asked, if he ran for president, how would he campaign, since he is not a rich man? he said he would never run for president. i said that wasn’t the point and he said that it was. he infuriates me sometimes.

i suggested that there be a cap on campaign spending (i am not sure if this has already been proposed or not). in that maybe you get x number of signatures and petition the government for public funding of which everybody gets no more and no less than one half million dollars. then you are allowed legally to spend another half million dollars. but it must be spent only on campaigning, and it must NOT come from your own pocket but from donations. and one million dollars is the absolute cap, so no more wolf and eagle ads running during the world series if you know what i mean.

i get so angry when he gives his right to vote the finger. i feel that it is not only a right but a duty. what the hell kind of example are you to the younger generation if you do not vote?? i yelled at him that women and blacks had to actually rise up and fight to have the same say that the white guys already had. for them to fight like that and then i come along and spit all over it is fucking wrong. and i will not do it.

i hate kerry and i hate bush. i am indifferent about nader, i voted for him last time and i know that it is probably a wasted vote unless i want to pull votes from one candidate (in which case i could just VOTE for that candidate, duh). BUT. come november 2 my ass will be at the local public school voting for SOMEONE.

(this is the part where i get irritated because we have fights sometimes where he tells me i am such a negative person. but i tell him that i would support him 100% in starting a peaceful revolution and he gives me the finger because he is actually such a pessimist.)

love, emmie |

fineline

October 26th, 2004 @ 09:20PDT

for girls there is this fine line between being a bitch and being assertive enough to get what you want and/or not get stepped all over. i piss all over that fine line. when i was younger i knew it was there but didn’t care. now i kinda care. but i get so pissed off when it seems like men are crossing the line themselves. do not be an asshole when you are telling how to do someting or i will no longer do jack shit for you. get it? and don”t think i am going to take the time to find some PC-ass way of saying it. how about you just NOT be an assface?

there is no reason to asume that just because i havent done somehting thati cant do it or will fuck it up. and who cares if i fuck it up? in the grand scheme of things… so fucking what. and if i had been doing this kind of shit from a young age then maybe i would be better at it than you. in fact. i know i would be. it’s a battle of the dicks. and i shall win.

see look, i’ve crossed the line again. fuck.

love, ellie |

Open Letter To Hot Guy

October 25th, 2004 @ 22:02PDT

Dear Junior-Partner-GQish Hunk At Whole Foods This Saturday,

You were way hot in your 5 o’clock shadow, jeans, and college sweatshirt. I’m pretty certain you were checking me out too but it was sort of hard to tell since you were with your gf or possibly fiance. Now, I guess you’ve been hot sexin together a while now, but do you really want to marry some 5′8″ blandly-in-shape grad school Democrat who wears exactly the same jeans and sweatshirt Saturday afternoon errand outfit as you AND makes you go with her to do it all while the big game is on?

And yeah, I could tell she was nice and all by the way she said “Excuse me” while my cart was blocking the salad stuff, but damnit, this story should end with me making out with you and her transfering to Yale (see! I’m a nice person).

If I was a riskier slut I would’ve said to you amongst the avacados:
“Hi.”
And you would’ve smiled.
And then I would’ve said, “Is that your girlfriend?”
“Yes, it is,” you would bashfully admit, like, upon sudden reflection you couldn’t really think of a reason for why you were still together.
Then I would say, “Wanna go outside and make out at the employee picnic table?”
OR, if I was a blurty slut-
“You guys into threesomes?”

And the look on your face would’ve been first prize awesome. No, no! wait! the look on your girlfriend’s face would’ve been first prize when she called you over to ask what you were talking to me for and then you’d explain and THEN it would be the best look on her face ever!

Love,
Jane

P.S. Ashlee’s secret isn’t lipsynching, it’s that she’s a big gawky lezzie. Did you see Tina Fey and especially Amy Poehler stroking Ash’s arms during the end SNL credits? Who agrees?

love, jane |

Weighty Issues

October 22nd, 2004 @ 20:17PDT

Today I made one of those girlish bargains with myself to not buy any new clothes until I lose 15 pounds. Then I thought, hey, that doesn’t include shoes, bras, or panties. Then five seconds later I also amended that I could still buy cool tee shirts because most of the fat is ass and thighs, so I’ll pretty much stay the same shirt size. Then I thought, new clothes…so maybe that doesn’t include things from thrift stores and then I got bored and watched back-to-back episodes of Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County.

Have you guys seen this monstrous show? Seriously, it leave me blissfully agape for half-hours at a time. Remember the heinous genius of MTV’s Rich Girls last winter? well this group of sad sacks are ready to stand around and bitch about each other ten times faster, tanner, and wonderfully, wonderfully lamer than those two uggers.

Also, have you had the awesome of seeing one of those Vote Or Die interruptions during MTV’s scheduled programming? Or seen Diddy flashing that tee around every silly talk show of late? Just the other night he was totally humping Carson Daly, whispering in his ear, “Vote Or Die, bitch, Vote Or Die.” Personally, I’d vote for the latter.

love, jane |

there is not room in this town for both of us.

October 22nd, 2004 @ 17:25PDT

wouldnt it be easier if we could just throw down about some things? fuck it lets just kick the shit out of each other and to hell with it. (hey, our government does it!)
i mean, why did i just have this ground swell of proprietary rage? it is so dumb. this ain’t my town. but still.. get the fuck out of here. if i fucking see you here i will spit upon you!

okay has that alarm been going off all fucking day?

love, ellie |

the tapestry of my life begings at the mall.

October 22nd, 2004 @ 17:21PDT

the mall. it was, like, the only thing to go DO. my childhood was completely culturaly bankrupt. i vow my children will not have that same experience. i’m serious.

love, ellie |

now would be a good time to start

October 22nd, 2004 @ 07:44PDT

start what? you, know, like stuff. or maybe now is a good time to not start. not starting has its advatages. it means you can hang out and do nothing. if you can hang out and do nothing wioth no guilt then go for it. i spent a large part of my youth doing nothing and often feeling guilty. even with the guilt it was pretty good. but then i got panicky about like being a grown up sort of. when i panic stupid shit happens. so ended up a sort of half-assed grownup. maybe everyone my age feels likea half-asses grownup. anyone? anyone? anyway. my point is that there is stuff to get done and there is stuff to not get done. and i plan on doing both in a half-assed fashion as is my wont.

love, ellie |

sex and stress

October 21st, 2004 @ 17:45PDT

so they say that sex is good for stress. as in relieves it. relief is spelled S-E-X.

but heres the thing. when i am stressed i dont want to have sex. i’m too stressed. get it? eh? is this not oftent eh case with other people?

in order for me to have sex i need to be relaxed and mostly calm. and not thinking about shitty things like how i dont have enough money to pay off my quarterly taxes or something. or WHATEVER.

now i could say. well ellie, _force_ yourself to have sex. but, uh, that don’t work so well. who’s there to force me? do i say to Mr. Boy,” hey i am all stressed, throw me down and fuck me.”

hmmm. maybe i’ll try that. it could be good.

love, ellie |

“la ti da” my ass, you fucks.

October 21st, 2004 @ 17:32PDT

wow. it is amazing how much i HATE academia . hate it. hate all people in it. hate and their smug self righteous fuckallness. hate ‘em. and if hating ‘em makes me “anit-ntellectual” well fuck it. maybe i am. i just hate the smugness. “oh, look how much and how deeply i think about things. la ti da”.

yes you heard me! FUCK OFF. cram those academic papers no one gives a fuck about UP YOUR ASS.

love, ellie |

October 19th, 2004 @ 08:56PDT

he twirled my nipples between his fingers and breathed into my ear. that’s not gonna work, i said. i’m not that easy…

according to the football team you are, he said, and kept twirling. i gasped. how did he know about that? i’m the quarterback, he replied. i was there. ooooooh. i love quarterbacks.

don’t you have a ditzy cheerleader girlfriend? i asked. sure do, he said, name’s jennifer. i felt his hard-on against my ass and said, then what do you want with me? he rubbed my thighs, coaxing them open and whispered, i want you to fuck her.

she’s a prude! i spat. on the outside, he grinned, but on the inside, she’s all whore. just like you. i blinked in disbelief as he insisted, sometimes we get high and go pick up a hooker. she loves it when the hooker fucks her.

so you know where to get a hooker? i ask. mmm-hmmmm, he nodded and nibbled that spot on my neck just above my collarbone. i ain’t free, i declared. you’ll get paid just the way you like, he smiled.

in cock.

love, emmie |

fantasy

October 17th, 2004 @ 15:59PDT

I have this fantasy…

where I sneak onto my neighbor’s lawn and replace his Bush/Cheney sign with a Kerry/Edwards one because really, there’s a good chance he might not even notice.

love, jane |

girl friends

October 15th, 2004 @ 15:20PDT

sometimes it is very hard to have girl friends. chicks are weird. they seem to have more hangups than men. visible ones i guess. they get offend so very easily. i never know how to deal with it. i am not offended very easily. and so i am sometimes oblivious.
to make up for my obliviousness i sometimes over do it.

love, ellie |

i guess she finally had sex. EW!

October 15th, 2004 @ 14:35PDT

an old friend is pregnant. i guess that means she finally had sex. a far cry from the time she refused to shove even a tampon up there.
although why i should still think about that no tampon incident like 20 years later i have no idea. how dumb is it that i even remember that. poor girl.

the thought of her having sex still creeps me out.
i mean, its not a a crime to not have sex in high school…

it’s just that she was SUCH a prude.

it was so totally very alien to me. why were even friends? i cant remember.

love, ellie |

Girlsinthebag poll

October 12th, 2004 @ 15:17PDT

What’s the worst thing about childhood?

Sharing your toys with someone who will break them
Growing up
Wondering when daddy will come home, because he is, you know
Cleaning your room every week
Writing thank you letters
Having your bithday fall really close to Christmas
Going to school when it totally should have been a snow day
Sucking cock

love, jane |

jane haiku 2

October 3rd, 2004 @ 21:09PDT

Wearing pink slippers
Don’t feel like reading a book
Sunday night boredom

love, jane |

October 2nd, 2004 @ 08:21PDT

holy hell… what a few days it has been. the soap opera at work just got a lot more interesting. it is very much like when my first true love who strung me along for SIX (!!!) years came back into town one more time and asked me to be his best girl again. he said all the right things too. but i said to myself, every time he does this i break up with whoever i am dating to live happily ever after with him and he always bails on me ANYWAY. so it is time to finally say no now. and i did. and it was soooooooo hard especially when right after that he turned around and got married to some girl he barely knew. which made me think, what if that could have been me? what if i missed my chance for happily ever after?? am i stupid?

but i am not. because there is no guarantee it would have been me. he probably would have married her after he dumped me again anyway. but this thing at work is like that, i have been with one job for four years with everyone above my boss saying how dispensable and unimportant my job is. i spent tons of time trying to show them what the job COULD be if they would let it. and i did it all for free too. then they decided to dump me. so i got okay with that and decided to go to this other job, which really wants me and already has projects lined up with my name on them. so then my ex-job goes WAIT WAIT you aren’t actually LEAVING me are you?? like an abusive boyfriend who thought i would always stay or something.

so the new job gave me the same hours, better pay.
then my old job gave me better hours, same pay.
then the new job gave me better hours, better pay.
then my old job gave me better hours, better pay.

so the playing field is leveled and the only question now is where i want to spend my time, since the hours and the money are the same. am leaning strongly toward new job…

my boss is really really pissed at me i think. and blowing sunshine up my ass to try and keep me around. she knows i am an intensely cautious person and that has always been her ace in the hole. but now there is something else that looks better, that feels better, that pays better, and i want it.

is that so wrong?

love, emmie |

September 29th, 2004 @ 08:08PDT

there is one person at work who truly irritates me, over and over and over, all the time all the time. she is this older lady who thinks the internet is all ebay and aol. which i can tolerate, really. but she is the world’s biggest martyr and she falls on her sword every day twice a day. i can set my watch by it

oh, it must be two already as v. is whining about being just so swamped that she skipped lunch – “oh, well, i guess i just won’t take lunch today”

someone insists that she go eat, then about fifteen minutes follow of her asking coworkers if they are absolutely sure that it is okay for her to take her lunch. because if they are too busy to cover for her while she is gone, she just won’t. at which point i usually turn and growl to her

TAKE YOUR LUNCHBREAK, V.

she is also a big victim too. meaning that when we found out we were all getting laid off, she went the wrong way. there are two ways you could go after such an announcement – you could be helpful and do things like forward a job posting you saw to someone you think would be qualified for it (whether or not you are best friends with that person) OR you could get bitchy and catty and start looking at what is on everyone else’s plate instead of what is on yours. she went the second way.

i have heard from lots of people that she is gabbing about how my boss loves me so much and how my best friend is in the department where i am starting in november already and that between the two of them they MADE me a job where there was none. this is of course complete bullshit. my boss called her delusional to her face. i picked a fight with her. she could not look at me the entire time because she knows she is a bitch. also she said it is nothing personal against me and i told her if that is the case then she should watch what she says and to whom because that is how it comes off to everyone.

boy insists i feel sorry for her because she is obviously such an unhappy person. i do. until she fucks with me at which point i want to squash her like a bug.

this is the second such conversation we have had, and there was no actual blood shed. i give it two more weeks before i have to go in swinging…

somebody remind me to buy a portable dvd player soon too.

love, emmie |

novelty

September 29th, 2004 @ 07:58PDT

i got a new puppy. and a new job to match. so i will not be drooling over the loverly severance package nor will i be entitled to bitch about it. i will be sent abroad for training sometime next year. eeek!

have appointment with doc next week. will ask to be screened for lung cancer, diabetes, and high cholesterol. my arms and legs keep falling asleep and it is giving me insomnia really bad. sometimes only the tip of my big toe or just the palm of my hand will go all pins and needly. it is truly aggravating.

i like having a puppy because now i get to buy him stuff, too. i did not name him yet even though i have already had him a week. stupid brother said scooter and i said WHATEVER. even though i thought i would really want to name him nixon (an awesome name for a dog) when i brought him home he really doesn’t look like a nixon at all. boy suggested i name a cat loki but i am really liking loki for the puppy instead. cats all have names anyway…

love, emmie |

Veronica Mars

September 24th, 2004 @ 13:56PDT

Did you guys see Veronica Mars on Tuesday? I did. I loved it.

Veronica Mars is a new show about a smart, jaded high school girl who helps her P.I. dad solve cases. The show is pure, classic California noir: money, convertables, and neon bar signs flashing in the night. Nicely coupled with that is an Outsiders-like division between the rich and working class students, which creates constant tension. There’s also a weirdo theme of The Wizard Of Oz running throughout the pilot episode which I really dug.

My friend Justin Why said it’s like “My So-Called Murder She Wrote or Buffy the Private Investigator!”

Indeed, the pilot was so smooth and well-developed it was like it was already in its third season. Here’s hoping it stays with the fast-paced, interesting writing and develops the secondary characters even further.

Kristen Bell, in the titular role, does a great job of quickly establishing her character’s blase, shruggy, cool-headedness. She’s quick and solid and has a hot little girl voice like Hilary Duff.

From the official site: “It used to be different. When Lilly was alive, and Duncan and I were together, I actually couldn’t wait to get to school. I was even on the freaking pep squad. But that was another lifetime. One I barely remember. Now Lilly’s dead, and Duncan hates me, and I think I need a better plan…”

Also visit fluxblog to get the neato theme song “We Used To Be Friends” by The Dandy Warhols (it’s the second post down).

Veronica Mars. Tuesdays at 9/8C on UPN. Be awesome and watch it!!!

love, jane |

be honest

September 21st, 2004 @ 20:08PDT

i am pondering new template. also am pondering one of those registration-based comment arrangements. because the comment spam is consuming my attention and is highly irritating. right now the comment spam is the dirty laundry draped all over the furniture of my inbox. clutter stifles me. i cannot work like this!!

if i can ignore the threat of comment spam and the irritating cleanup (even with the benefit of mt-blacklist which is great), i can concentrate on ideas for gitb swag. possibly i could convince ellie to sketch me some stuff (or jane, if you draw.. ?) how many of you think the comment registering thing is a horrific idea? and what color for the template? do you want to see my tits?

love, emmie |

sometimes i just have to ask

September 21st, 2004 @ 20:05PDT

what the fuck am i thinking?

love, emmie |

haiku for time consumption

September 21st, 2004 @ 20:04PDT

i have not posted
appy polly loggies – i’m
trying to get laid.

love, emmie |

holy hell

September 21st, 2004 @ 20:02PDT

i confessed to my boss that i had my first girl crush in seventh grade. i confessed to the second in high school. and to the various girlfriends i have had. she said

you little bisexual, you!

and smoked her menthol cigarette. she is so fucking cool and i love her. she is trying desperately to get me a job with another dyke boss, because it’s the next best thing to working for her.

heh.

love, emmie |

Dragonland

September 20th, 2004 @ 07:17PDT

While searching for a new cosmetic bag this morning, I ran across this funny little item. Now I pretty much like experimenting on my own with regards to shape and all, but I think it would be cool if I had a boyfriend and I was like, Pick one out you like.

and he’d say, Do the dragon one!

and I’d say, That takes like four hours!

and he’d say, Well I’ll help you with the dyes and sequins.

and I’d say, Ok!

and then we’d go into the bathroom which would have been recently cleaned, because we’d have a maid. And all would be well in Dragonland.

—

By the by, this is the bag I bought (in the purple of course). It seems to all go toward a good cause, too. Awesome.

love, jane |

Q And A With Jane

September 15th, 2004 @ 02:37PDT

Hey Jane what’s up, darling?
I’ve been sick with a lingering, Ann Radcliffy sort of fever.

omg did you throw up a lot and stuff?
No, there was none of that. Mostly I writhed uncomfortably in my bed and dreamed of skeleton weddings.

So like, you’re not going to die?
Not yet.

Well you still have two weeks before classes start, what’re you going to do?
I gotta buy an ipod.

Exciting. What else?
Clive Barker’s new book.

So you’re just going to buy stuff?
No, I’ll do stuff too.

Like…?
I had a list somewhere..

Maybe it’s under your bed?
Oh yes. Ok. Here is my list:
-Begin getting up before 2pm so I won’t die the first day of class
-Order the porn that Steven recommended
-Find a non-lame yoga class to join
-Buy a strapless bra which doesn’t suck
-Finish drawing Volume Two of my comic
-Meet a cool boy

Non-lame yoga? A comfortable strapless bra? You’d have more luck finding a boy in two weeks.
Is that a fact?

That is a bet.
Yeah?

A cute one, too.
Bra?

Boy!
Hey, I thought you were the one asking the questions?

Damn.
ha ha ha! I’ve already half-won.

love, jane |

Zombie Love Is Possible

September 9th, 2004 @ 16:13PDT

I need a girlfriend.

Well. What I mean is I need a friend who is a girl. Yeah, that dated aphorism “a good man is hard to find” is true enough but what’s also evident is “a good female friend is pretty much fucking imposible to find.”

I really barely have any friends right now. Mostly I talk to a lot of guys online about comics or zombies or music. The following is a list of people I might like as a best girl friend:

+Veronica from Heathers
+Kim Deal
+Enid from Ghost World
+Leigh-Cheri from Still Life With Woodpecker

Um. That’s really all I can really think of. I half-heartedly think I could become one of those CEO high maintence maneaters who hate women. But like, I don’t hate women, I hate phoney fucktards and I don’t need a gal who raises her eyebrow and scoffs at me like this is middle school all over again. I need a girl who is like a guy but not in a gross, unkempt, lesbian way.

One possible solution is to become a hollywood starlet and thus be perpetually fawned over. Jessica has her Girls Gone Wild In Cancun best friend cum hanger-on Cacee Cobb, Mary-Kate has her Ashley and you just know they share panties, and Anna Nicole has her dykey, spikey-haired personal assistant.

Another, more perfect solution would be that I’d simply fall in love with a rock star and we’d live heroinly ever after; time’s running out for me to become a member of the 27 Club. Incidently, anyone else think it’s really weird that Meg the-plucky-guardian-of-the-finger-and-clit-only-masturbating-
secretaries-of-the-world Ryan was in the movie The Doors? Dude, Meg Ryan.

Shit.

Maybe I’ll meet some cool, brainy girls in my science classes this winter. Until then, any ideas guys?

love, jane |

Jane’s Addiction

September 7th, 2004 @ 12:24PDT

I was never one of those throw-up girls in high school. Mostly I was numbed out on psychoactive drugs and never felt like eating. I was lithe and thin and clothes looked awesome on me and I want all that back.

The problem is that I’m growing addicted to sugar. It’s leaking into my careful, hardcore diet, and I couldn’t give a shit. Chocolate for breakfast, soda while I’m driving around, tea and cookies in the afternoon.

The crazy thing is I’m trying to lose weight. I mean, I really am. I want to get down to a size one again. Yeah, that’s right motherfucker, size one. I can do it too. I have small bones and thin wrists and I’m just not meant to be a fatty. The problem I’m finding is it’s really fucking hard to lose weight if you don’t starve yourself.

But hey, if sugar makes me taste better then I’m doing A-OK.

love, jane |

so much for fantasy

September 4th, 2004 @ 13:46PDT

careful what you wish for, they say. this is why i shy away from doing a lot of fantastical things. threesomes are terribly exciting in theory but in practice they are messy, complicated, or downright boring. vibrators break, even the waterproof ones seem to get that battery panel corrosion thing. lingerie doesn’t fit like it should. liquid latex? yeah, right.

boy bought nipple clamps. love love love the idea, omg. this is probably mostly due to the fact that during sex he can’t have his mouth anywhere except on one of my nipples or things get ugly. it is necessary and he only has one mouth, after all. so something that could offer the same pleasure while allowing his mouth to be occupied elsewhere seems logical? yeah.

do i have weird nipples or something? he got the adjustable ones since there are times when i feel like a lighter touch. the ones that sort of screw on. i am glad he did not spend the extra bux on the vibrating ones because those probably suck too. these just absolutely fall right off. he has to put them on so tight it makes me wince in order for them to stay, and then the pain is so intense it is distracting. also it takes a good fifteen minutes of me sitting perfectly still to get them on in the first place. we are both disappointed…

my nipples are regular nipples, i can tell you that. they are not too small or too big, they are just about average based on my experience. so what the hell do i do now?

love, emmie |

Bad News

September 2nd, 2004 @ 21:59PDT

Bad news guys, I have a cyst on my vaginal wall. It’s about the size of a pencil eraser and they don’t know if it’s going to keep growing until it takes over the world or shrink and go away as mysteriously as it came. I have to check it once a week.

The funny news was me asking the doctor if I could still masturbate and her trying to keep her face clear of emotion just like she’d been trained. She blinked though. What do you think that means?

The good news is I can still masturbate.

love, jane |

two jobseeker questions

August 30th, 2004 @ 21:58PDT

1. i guess i can’t very well hire someone to write a kickass resume for me if i don’t know what i want to be when i grow up, right?

and (more importantly)

2. why is there no plain english word for a document that details one’s work experience, skills, and education?

resume is probably french? because it has two accents or something (properly anyway) and c.v. (curriculum vitae) is clearly latin…

can we make up a new word that is english? we could get all scuttle-ish and call it a foozlemunch.

or maybe we should expand the meaning of an existing word, like nutshell. as in

“copy and paste your nutshell into the body of the message – attachments WILL BE DELETED!!”

or maybe we could call it a slab, since granite/marble watermarked parchment still seems to scream MUST HIRE and watermarks are oh-so professional. as in

“wow, he must be exactly the person we want to hire for this non-paper-industry-related job, his slab is printed on the most beautifully watermarked paper ever, and i thought for a minute that it was real granite, but it is only a clever design trick!”

no… maybe we could commandeer the word pedigree from the AKC? if i said that i had a pedigree then maybe employers would just hear the “degree” part and hire me without asking me from where…

love, emmie |

you do NOT want to play this game with me.

August 30th, 2004 @ 21:47PDT

i just love it when a neurotic, delusional drama mama who cannot write or spell or punctuate tries to whip out her red pen and go all chicago manual of style on someone else who cannot write or spell or punctuate but is at least honest about it and generally a nice person.

thank goddess the probationary period is nearly over.

love, emmie |

August 30th, 2004 @ 21:41PDT

i dreamed that j. and l. and i were on a long trip together. and when we got there, trouble happened and somehow they broke up. and they were not trying very hard to get back together either. instead they both wanted to hang out with me. i tried desperately to explain that i’d had no intention of breaking them up and that they were perfect for one another and that i wanted to just be their friend. they seemed to have already moved past it and looking toward a romantic future, with me.

it was scary.

then i woke up and went to tell j. about my dream. and she laughed at me like always. and she assumed that it was her i was after in the dream, but i told her it was really l. that changed things and it wasn’t funny anymore.

then i woke up and went to work, debating about whether to tell j. about my dream, because would she think i was coming onto her? or would she think it was truly funny and go tell l. who would think i was coming onto j.? and is this how they broke up in my dream in the first place?

and before i knew it i was at her desk and telling her about the dream and playing it off all casually. she laughed and said that i was just coming onto her. and i asked what made her think it was her i was interested in (in the dream) and not l.? touche, she replied, and mentioned that just the other day l. said to her

who is that girl emmie that called the other day while you were out? when i answered she thought i was you and she said, hey, very casually for someone that works with you…

love, emmie |

Soar

August 25th, 2004 @ 06:27PDT

Right.

So in the mail this morning I got an invite to join a sorority. Probably they simply send them to every enrolled female. Anyway, I opened it and laughed, and then came the weirdness- for a second, just a second, I considered pledging.

What the fuck, right?

In that second, I had this nostalgic flash of my imaginary career: the dances with the flowy dresses, the charity work coordinated with the ace fraternity across the street, the well-worn hardwood floors, the secret cigarettes shared in freezing bathrooms with girls wearing black headbands… joining a sorority might have been ok, sixty years ago.

Today, though, Christ. These are the girls that smirked at me in high school. I don’t get french manicures, or Miss Frankenstein highlights, or take Valtrex. I own too many Joy Division cds and I’m pretty sure they’d get sick of my bewildering Buffy quotes. If they saw me, if they knew me, if they forced me to go to a bar hosting a Girls Gone Wild party, they’d know I’m not one of them.

So it’s crazy to consider this.

Right?

love, jane |

oh no i said too much

August 24th, 2004 @ 21:30PDT

that last post was really waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much information. dear blog-gods, please do not let them fire me for that. i will lose my severance.

your humble servant,

love, emmie |

the edited version

August 24th, 2004 @ 21:26PDT

i tried to call her to pick a fight. a polite, professional fight. she was away from her office.

grrr.

e-mailed instead. tomorrow z. will tell me i shouldn’t have but that he is secretly glad i did. like usual.

maybe the programming position. hopefully the design one though. there are many almost-offers on the table already…

love, emmie |

one last thing

August 24th, 2004 @ 20:19PDT

i jsut started my period. and i love to orgasm while on the rag. it help the cramps. but i dont like to fuck really. it’s too violent when i feel very delicate.

but this boyfriend does not like to go down on me. ever, never mind while i’m bleeding. in fact i think even fucking me when bleeding freaks him out a bit.

SO WEIRD.

i’ve never been with someone who cared or someone who didnt go down on me with glee and gusto.

i still love him. and he’s a great fuck in all other respects.

must go masturbate before he gets here.

love, ellie |

i have a pimple on my butt and i dont care.

August 24th, 2004 @ 20:15PDT

one of my friends went to a strip club for the first time with her boyfriend recently. i was all stunned “you’ve never been to a strip club?!” *shock* “how can that be? you’re, like, old…”

but it was true.

strip clubs bore me mostly. they def. do not get me hot in anyway. i dont think.. actually i cant remember the last time i even went to one. i used to take boyfriends to the —- and fuck them or give them blowjobs in the little booths. that was dirty and fun.

oh and speaking of my sleazy past…
the other day i drove past a train station and suddenly remembered that one time i gave my boyfriend a blow job on the platform next to the bike lockers. wtf was i thinking? that no one could see? that i didnt care if they could? omg.

it was just a weird thing to suddenly remember this ridiculous event from about 10 years ago. no not 10 years that can’t be right. 8 years maybe.

i have a feeling that if i went to a strip club with my current boyfriend i might feel insecure or weird. i’m not sure.

my body image is a delicate thing. i generally like myself… but there are those moments when i pick at every little thing. i have fat arms, cellulite, bad skin and, horror of horrors, i found a stretch mark the other day. FUCK.
i’m pretty strong and i like that. in fact, i must go work on my stomach muscles right now.

love, ellie |

what do you think?

August 23rd, 2004 @ 20:47PDT

when i get emails about my resume from people purporting to be employers but only giving me a link to a “turnkey business opportunity” i get annoyed. but what if a “marketing/pr firm” specializing in “popup advertisement management” and offering clients “turnkey advertising solutions” approaches you and offers you an interview? and if they are (sort of) local, not based in some other state claiming you can telecommute? and if they cc somebody else at their company on the message?

this has never happened before to me so i do not know what to do.

i went to the company’s website and it sounds like they traffic in traffic. which means they are on the bleeding edge of legal spam and popups and popunders and flash ads. they promise to help you “drive visitors where you want them to go”, which is sort of almost fascist.

i am afraid to talk to these people because if they offered me $100k a year i would be an idiot to say no and an asshole to say yes. my inbox is choked because of people like these. also now that i know the location of their office i should start some sort of militant protest group which can do things like leaving one hundred thousand loaves of spam on the doorstep of their corporate hq.

ha! that is fucking genius!

i do not think that i will call them…

love, emmie |

the trouble with drinking

August 23rd, 2004 @ 20:28PDT

so we went out and i drank and i drank and i drank a lot. because i don’t do things half-assed, you know? so if i am going to pay extra money for something with alcohol in it then it damn well better do its job. otherwise i could just have a coke or something.

he liked to take me drinking because i am fun when i am drunk. i am admittedly one of those people who calls up people in other time zones at four a.m. and uses the time difference as an excuse to pretend it is a decent hour. the conversation usually consists of me telling my friend i am drunk, which they have already figured out because of what time it is. i have good friends though; they giggle at me and agree with me a lot and tell me they really do understand how special they are to me, promise, will i get home safe? am i alone? call a cab, okay? this used to be sort of manageable when i did not have a cell phone because pay phones are hard to use well when you are smashed, but now i have one with free long distance and free nights and weekends so it really is okay to call everyone i know, isn’t it? sure.

we knew the bartender like we did in every bar we ever set foot in. i swear there were nights when we walked out with more money than we came in with, he got so many buybacks. the bartender raised his eyebrows at boy every time i asked for another drink, which i thought was cute, like he was letting me drink or something. but he was because he was the one who had to make sure i got home, and so he sat beside me, listening to me chatter and nursing his beer.

also when i drink i have this neat self-defense mechanism which ensures that i am aware enough of my surroundings to get myself home. however my memory always ends at the front door. meaning i won’t remember how i got to bed or who took off my socks or that i passed out on the bathroom floor first. also this means that any activity in which i engage (ahem) is utterly forgotten the next day. which is why i do not drink except with a boy i can totally trust. i have allegedly done some really uninhibited things in such cases. i think my first threesome was when i was smashed. and my second, and my third.

so apparently when i drink i am more amazing in bed than usual since it allows me to dispense with coquetries and get to the point of the thing. and drunk emmie absolutely insists upon giving blowjobs, which are enjoyable enough when sober, but for which i am ravenous when inebriated. more careless too about taking too much too fast, which leads us to where this is going.

i remember him moaning, loudly enough to make me giggle perversely, for the neighbors would surely hear. i remember that i suddenly seemed capable of swallowing him whole, which is the holy grail of sexual performance in my little mind, and something for which i have long striven. i remember being intensely pleased with myself for such accomplishment, and i remember losing my focus.

then i remember triggering my gag reflex. not uncommon and certainly easily camouflaged under most circumstances – but it had never happened when i was drunk before, or else i was more drunk than usual. because it actually made me vomit.

boy was so concerned about my health and not at all offended and it was very cute, enough to make me go back to bed with him after i had washed out my mouth in horror. i fortunately still possessed the wherewithal to swallow it, so there was no evidence except the stinging in my throat and nose, which toothpaste could not soothe. i was absolutely mortified and wanted to crawl under a rock and die. instead boy gave me an incredible, earth-shattering orgasm, and another. then we passed out together.

i crept out of his bed in the wee hours of the morning and didn’t answer my phone when he called.

love, emmie |

First Time’s The Roughest

August 23rd, 2004 @ 06:05PDT

Hey guys and girls in the bag readers, what’s up? I am Jane and here are a quick ten things to get to know me better:

1. I used to blog but it’s been a while since I’ve written so please allow me to get warmed up before I start showing you my vagina. Don’t think of me as the protagonist’s sassy diva sister brought in mid-season to spice shit up. Think of me, rather, as the younger sister whom you’ve always kinda had your eye on and is now grown up enough to come out and play.

2. I am not perfect. To wit: yesterday I was so incredibly bloated that my zipper slid all the way down. Luckily I was only at Wal-Mart, so I was still the cutest person in the store. Seriously, everyone there looks like absolute death and I swear I’m never going back every time, but Godddamn I need my Rimmel make-up fix.

3. I am 23, I live at home, and I go to school. Yes, still. I dropped out of my Ivy League bullshit after freshman year and have since been taking classes here and there locally until I figure shit out.

4. How did Emmie know I love Tuesdays? It is my favorite day to skip work/school and walk around drinking coffee, buying music, and watching people.

5. I don’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, although I have a crush on this cashier girl at Whole Foods. How can some people be so hot without make-up and I need three layers of foundation to cover all my blemishes and why am I breaking out suddenly? Should I get Proactive or is that a huge scam? Suggestions?

6. I ordered my first book of erotica last week. I guess lately I’ve gotten curious about the whole genre. Maybe I’ll review it when I’m done.

7. I’ve been having dreams about fucking animals recently. Mostly wolves and lions. New fetish developing? or maybe it’s just a portend that Dracula is coming to town.

8. I have wild things in my head that I want to do, like have parking lot sex with random passers-by, but I suspect I don’t own the right shoes for that sort of endeavor.

9. I’ve decided to be Good. Yes rather than Evil, yes rather than Complacent. My first act entails giving my hair away to make a girlcancer wig. I have about 4 inches to go before it gets chopped off.

10. I like ending things on a happy note. Big thanks to Ellie and Emmie for letting me join. Maybe there’ll be a sexy initiation? I’ll let you guys know. Finally, here is a nice, girlsinthebaggy haiku:

Four then two now three
Smart, sexy, and amazing
Rock your world, daily

love, jane |

fresh blood

August 22nd, 2004 @ 14:37PDT

we toyed with the idea of an open call. but we didn’t have time enough to give such an undertaking the attention it deserved. we considered recruiting, but that also requires significant investment of time. oh well, we thought, maybe someone will just fall into our lap (but probably not)…

but she did. please welcome the newest girlinthebag, jane. she is worthy of your praise and respect and small burnt offerings every other tuesday.

play nice.

love, emmie |

speaking of porn

August 22nd, 2004 @ 11:22PDT

what? oh we weren’t speaking of porn? well we are now damnit.

i need some good pron. does anyone have any suggestions?

i am not even sure what kind of porn i like. i kind of like gay male pron. i’m not sure why. it is just so unabashdly sleazey and in a way violent. but sleazy and violent in a victimless way. unlike straight porn. maybe it’s because the victim wields his own weapon and will give as good as he gets later on in the film in that scene where they are in the back alley and like 12 guys are all fucking each other. daisy chain style.

i kind of like animated porn too.

but seriously. who’s got some porn recommendations?

love, ellie |

where’s my donut pillow damnit

August 22nd, 2004 @ 11:16PDT

getting old is disturbing. i find myself doing things that i never wanted to do.
“well, when you get older you’ll understand”.

okay not really. i never said that to anyone. that would be totally ridiculous. it would mean that i thought that the experiences i’ve had over the years had brought me knowledge or wisdom. when really i am just as retarded as i used to be. i just have more money now.

i love throwing money at things. i got that from my dad. fuck this shit just pay whatever it takes to get out as quickly and quietly as possible. the less hassle the better and the more money you wave around the less hassle there is. i just dont care to have to deal with anything ever. parking tickets? just fucking pay them. once you pay them you never have to think about it again.

i have a friend who has not managed to get more money as he got older. but he did manage to get even stupider. everything is a crisis and panic and drama when you are poor. it is really depressing. and i often find myself thinking “i didnt drag myself out of the gutter by selling my body and other things just so that i could now send your sorry ass money” i mean really. it’s not like he doesnt work hard when he has work… but he never has work so… and when he does have work he complains and is such a huge assface that everyone ends up hating hima dn he can never figure out why. jeez.

but i also find myself doing other disturbing thing. so one thing that i always hated about couples and especially married people. the woman always seemd to do this horrible pandering type behavior towards the husband. like this fakey sort of paying attention to him. almost all females in a couple do this. i cant explain it properly. but it is fuck irritating. my sibling does it in a really hideous hideous way. hoy shit.

i always thought that this had something to do with making up for lack of sex or something.

my boyfriend likes attention. and i find that i want to give it to him. and i want other people to fully recognize his genius the way i do. i pay attention to him sometimes at the expense of what i am doing. and i find that i dont mind so much.

yeah so i always hated that but now i do it. sad but true.

love, ellie |

olympic blah

August 19th, 2004 @ 21:50PDT

ok i always liked to watch the gymnastics and the figure skating. but that has been about all. i once knew a girl who trained with bela karolyi (sp?) and i was all like, who the hell is that? she got hurt in sixth grade and her career was dead in the water.

boy likes olympics. and so i must endure them much like i endure sci-fi channel (though i have come to not mind stargate sg-1) and all those educational channels (he did turn me on to ancient warriors series). it goes like this:

[heinous disgusting close-up of freakish insect with googly eyes]
narrator: and so the red ants can carry eighty times their body weight…
boy (seriously): wow, nature is so amazing.
me: yeah but eighty times zero is zero. so not really…
boy (glaring): …
me: can we watch something else?
boy: why?
me (glaring): …

of course porn is always a favorite… so it’s pretty much either i fuck him or i let him watch what he wants. then i go off and call my best friend or play around in photoshop or god forbid do some work and then we have to have THE discussion. you know the one about how i don’t spend time with him and i am not interested in things that are important to him and could i please stop obsessing over my job and bringing work home!!

i argue same things back to him. to which he replies that sometimes he sits down and watches sex and the city with me. i say, yes, but i didn’t make you. in other words, i had the tv first. when you are done doing whatever you were doing, in the other room, the backyard, down the street, at the store – you are welcome to join me in what i am already doing.

but the aforementioned happens when we decide to watch tv together. not when i am out of the house and come home and he is already planted and into jaws. cannot win though. so i adapt.

so olympics send me into self-deprecation mode. as in, i am thirtiesh and i do not have a master’s degree or a fabulous career or a vacation house or or or. this girl is fifteen and she has millions of dollars worth of endorsement deals and has won thirty-four gold medals. where the hell is MY work ethic?

then i feel all mean and i nitpick their two-step dismounts, their losses of balance, the deductions of tenths of a point. i’m right in there with the commentators calling their performance catastrophic.

THEN i think to myself, once again i am thirtiesh and i do not even have one eighth of the talent to get asked to even try out to maybe compete in the olympics much less take home one gold or ten gold medals. i will never be on a wheaties box.

interesting things this year though. high drama. too-tall russian girl who is also very skinny, like starving, wins the silver in the women’s all-around gymnastics. watching her on the beam was like waiting for a dry stick to snap in half. it hurt. she sucks in her cheeks all the time and i think she smiled like once.

the americans are cute and perky per usual. one of them with an outrageous potentially career-ending injury. she did a PERFECT(!!) floor routine which was fucked up only by her stepping her big toe outside the white line. robbed!!

the other thing i noticed is that they are using pictures of the male swimmers (presumably because they all look the same with those caps and goggles on) which are straight from the dmv. i swear. they all had dumbo ears and zits and crooked noses. when they got done swimming and you could see their faces without the goggles, most of them were cute or better. the americans were both pretty hot. couldn’t decide. they did not do dmv pics for the girl swimmers, i wonder why?

i slept with a swimmer once. but it was psychologically challenging because of his utter lack of body hair. he waxed everything(!) and my brain was like looking for boobs because it was clearly a female i was snuggling with. then the flatness and the hardness and hey wait a second, my brain put on the brakes. big time. so we didn’t actually fuck. but i did fall asleep, so that sort of counts?

love, emmie |

on the horizon

August 19th, 2004 @ 21:32PDT

big news. for us anyway. she said yes!

we think you’ll like it.

love, emmie |

um.

August 18th, 2004 @ 20:53PDT

er. ha!

love, ellie |

i’ve been busy, yes

August 18th, 2004 @ 20:48PDT

but i did manage to have a fight with my boyfriend this weekend. but then i got him drunk. i like to get him a bit drunk and then fuck him. he lasts a little longer… and he gets nastier. like he’ll hold my head and jack off in my face and stuff. it’s kinda cute that he’s shy a little when not on some substance.

would it be better if he wasnt i sometimes wonder? and i think not. i mean otherwise what would the point of getting drunk be?

in other news i have gained 5 pounds. and i dont like it. the pants i wore to work today were tight in the thighs when i sat down. i gain weight right in the ass and thighs. mostly i am proportioned pretty well. but that extra 5 pounds is really pissing me off.

speaking of pissing…
i sense my boyfriend might want to piss on me as some sort of sex play. i dont have any desire to be pissed on really. i pissed on a guy in high school once. he deserved it. like really deserved it. he loved to licked my ass, he said it tasted like a peach. and i would think, “duh you idiot, i just got out of the shower. now feed me a burrito and THEN get down there.”

anyway where was i?

oh yeah, feeding the dog.

love, ellie |

relaxation time. ah yes.

August 18th, 2004 @ 20:40PDT

i’m so busy lately i have had to start combining tasks. more than usual.

so like now, when i wake up and take my morning shit i sit there on the pot with my laptop answering work emails and brushing my teeth at the same time.
i have the new guy laminate the tps reports and i read them in the shower. i do my make-up in the car while talking to my mother on the phone. my boyfriend comes to my owrk every other day and we have lunch and then fuck in the upstairs little used bathroom. when i get home i cook dinner, feed my dog and then as i am eating my dinner i take him for a walk. i masturbate in the shower at night while listening to an audio book. this week it is michael moore’s stupid white men…

it isnt pretty let me tell you.

love, ellie |

q&a

August 17th, 2004 @ 22:46PDT

i was cleaning out my mailbox and i have run across some really interesting questions. from link exchanges (if you are a porn blog or any kind of retailer, no thanks) to questions about the status of our relationships (no we are not polyamorous lesbians) to where we are from (dubuque, iowa?), we have heard it all. okay, not all, but a lot of it anyway.

those of you who wonder why we do not have an “about” page should know that it is mostly because the things that we want you to know about us are evident through our outbursts. it does not matter in the least to us that you know where we were born or what our signs are or what we look like. if you read this site regularly, chances are you know a hell of a lot more about us than most of the world, and that’s dangerous enough for our taste.

do we girls all know each other the way you think we do? maybe. or not. the way that you know us? definitely. do we live/eat/sleep/work together? don’t we all, on some level?

can you have a picture? sure, of my middle finger. (it is prettily painted with my favorite ‘las vegas’ bronzish enamel this week.)

if you have reasonably intelligent questions which do not require a 500-word answer, please send to ME and i will distribute for review. no promises though. because some questions are stupid and some are just too difficult.

and to you who asked: my IQ is 140 and my bra size is none of your business.

love, emmie |

psa

August 17th, 2004 @ 22:19PDT

it is amazing what mind-blowing sex can do for your general disposition even when you are newly laid off.

being laid off doesn’t matter, it’s being laid that counts?

heh.

love, emmie |

speaking of trying on clothes

August 14th, 2004 @ 12:50PDT

i hate my body. my thighs are too thick, my calves look funny, i am too pale, and my legs are too short. trying on clothes is the nightmare of my existence. i always fall for it too, i think i will go buy myself something pretty to wear and it just doesn’t ever work out that way.

also. for reference. a juniors size 11 is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay smaller than a misses size 10. which sucks because i do not want to be a misses. i want to be a junior. this is not only an aging complex but an image complex – misses wear knit and pique and pointelle and shit like that. juniors get to wear lycra and denim and lame’ and georgette and plain old cotton. and good colors too, not just ugly floral patterns.

this is mostly why i wear tshirts and jeans. and my self-loathing keeps me from wearing cool and funky clothes like ellie does.

love, emmie |

criminal

August 14th, 2004 @ 12:45PDT

somehow i got on the mailing list for all these fucking catalogs even though i do NOT buy clothes by mail…

so i got this lane bryant catalog. which is for sizes 14w and up. i am not size 14w or up. i am a size 10. but looking through this catalog i can tell you that there was not one model in there who was size 14w or up. i am fatter than most of them in fact. so they were probably like a size 6 or something and looked really really stupid in these tenty dresses that are supposed to hide your fat while making you look stylish and charming.

they had some nice clothes that i wished were available in my size though. but i am not going to gain weight just so i can wear them. they were not that cute.

the shoes were cool however. and there is probably(?) no difference between a big girl’s size 8 and my size 8 right? ballet slippers, so adorable!! although that is why i do not buy clothes by mail, particularly shoes. i have to try them on first. i actually bought my sneakers by going to a store and trying on some skechers to figure out my size in their stuff. then i ordered them online where there is a bigger selection. memo to emmie: buy more shoes to remedy the shoe ennui situation…

what i am saying is that i think it is fucking criminal for them to sell big girls’ clothes by showing them on skinny models. one of them i saw in a spiegel catalog for gods sake. she is nearly anorexic. the rest of them have that “slim, commercial” look. meanwhile i hear great things about these big girl models like emme (who is beautiful). why is she not in this catalog???

i wonder if i wrote to lane bryant what they would have to say for themselves…

love, emmie |

silly emmie

August 13th, 2004 @ 23:16PDT

holy fuck and i thought it could not get much worse.

but it did!

please take all the work i have done and shit on it by giving it entirely to idiots who are not even qualified to THINK about it much less do it. that would rule. oh and could you also please lay me off while you are at it

THANKS!

don’t you dare ask me to train those idiots though.

love, emmie |

boys are stupid

August 13th, 2004 @ 23:09PDT

i cannot fathom how they do not understand the emotional attachment that comes with a job! when i am working i feel good about myself because i am competent, and my work proves it.

he says: work is not everything in your life
he says: you are just like my father
he says: get a hobby

a hobby??

he says: did you ever try pottery

throw rocks at them.

love, emmie |

August 9th, 2004 @ 19:54PDT

my day went from bad to suck to utterly irritating to emotionally scary to

oh. my. god. now what?

serious trust issues abound. the urge to give everyone the finger and do it all by myself, all the time is impossible to ignore sometimes. what i think i know and what i know and what i don’t want to know.

scared.
embarrassed.
vulnerable.
angry.
hurt.
frightened.

i reached out today and it wasn’t entirely terrible. then i smacked myself but good. of course it is terrible. i would like some salt with my foot, thanks for asking…

did he? didn’t he? misunderstanding? mistake? wrong place, wrong time?

do i lie for him?

at times like this i wish i had a therapist.

love, emmie |

and sometimes i bite

July 30th, 2004 @ 20:48PDT

because although my heart is in it my body really really isn’t for some reason. and i want to stop but i don’t WANT to want to stop. and i don’t know what to do about it.

this is usually when i ravish him to try and disguise my frustration. sometimes it works, other times no. last time he saw right through me when i threw him on the bed and he said

wow you must really want to get this overwith.

which frustrated me further, a) i hate being so transparent and b) i really truly care and do not want his feelings to be hurt.

it took all my self-control to keep from making hamburger out of his neck.

love, emmie |

how long does this shit take?

July 30th, 2004 @ 20:41PDT

now let’s just go back a minute here. being ravished is all well and good. being seduced and catered to also has its place though. because you are on your knees begging, i will expound.

when boy spends half an hour massaging my feet and kissing all my delicate spots teasingly, i feel like a goddess. for about five minutes. then i start to beat myself up emotionally because i generally don’t do this to him. it seems kind of pointless with a man, because most men i know would rather a woman spend twenty minutes drawing out a blowjob (which i do with some regularity) than giving them dainty butterfly kisses in the hollows of their ankles. then i wonder if he is hinting at something by lavishing on me the attention that he craves for himself – sort of like monkey see, monkey do. and i get distracted by all this fretting about what it is exactly that he wants. and my arousal suffers for it. and his ego suffers for that.

and the cycle continues.

when he attempts to ravish me is usually when i have been too busy or too tired or too anything to respond to sex, much less initiate it (which is nearly all the time lately, and for that i am truly sorry). i say “attempts” because i can be a pretty cranky party spoiler when the mood strikes me. basically he comes on really strong, which gives me adequate reason to (sincerely) fight back, and it becomes one of those giggly, tickly wrestling matches where nobody wants to give in and lose and the pheromones of sheer determination overwhelm both parties. eventually i run out of physical strength because i never bought that bowflex (he did) and he pins me. all this commotion gets me going physically, but then emotionally i don’t want to yield, for having lost. (stupid! does anybody lose when they are getting laid??) then i get stubborn and the cycle continues, ad nauseam.

the good thing about the first method is that it COULD feel good and be luxurious, if i didn’t hate myself quite so much.

the good thing about the second method is that wrestling is fun, and that someone like me who has difficulty taking responsibility for her actions can easily regress into victim mode, which is soothing in its own (twisted) way.

there is no perfect way to get me into bed, it turns out. the gentle seduction rapidly deteriorates into self-denegration and guilt. the aggressive ravishment comes a little too near that raw spot of contrary independence deep inside which is probably a result of being kicked twice too often. but then WHY does it always have to come back to that?? that was ten years ago for fuck’s sake!

i do not think any of this makes any sense. but i feel like i am damned either way. because when i was younger and single and more damaged, i had sex with anyman, everyman, with no physical pleasure whatsoever. now i am older and not so single and slightly healed, and my occasional sexual encounters (which quake the earth on the physical pleasure scale) are difficult to accept.

boy will surely hate me for being so fucking complicated.

love, emmie |

and me with a sticky spacebar

July 30th, 2004 @ 20:23PDT

bacchus did it to us again… it’s not quite midnight yet and we are fast approaching 1000 hits in 24 hours. a girl could definitely get used to this.

love, emmie |

he will thank me someday

July 28th, 2004 @ 19:52PDT

hotels make me so damn horny.

something about the little travel size shampoos and lotions, the individually wrapped soaps, the hotel’s voice mail, the fact that the towel supply is limited, living out of my suitcase which is open on that little stand in the closet – it all tells me psychologically two things:

1. you are not in your usual place; you are somewhere else, someone else, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

and

2. you will not be here very long, MAKE IT COUNT!

so i am looking into going away. just for three or four days. maybe toronto. possibly seattle. could be new orleans. or cape cod. or myrtle beach.

of course i want to take boy. he was not convinced until i pointed out that hotels make me horny. now he is on the fence…

when he falls i will catch him and whisk him away to niagara falls. with a fireplace, a jacuzzi, and floor-to-ceiling views of cascading water.

yeah.

love, emmie |

take it from me

July 28th, 2004 @ 12:57PDT

the guy who decides whether my department lives or dies is leaving. permanently. friday. he is going back into the belly of the beast from whence he came. he is vacating his posh high-rise condo.

ever the professional, i am doing exactly what is expected of someone in my position.

i am buying his dining room table. and five shoe-racks.

hey, they are a dollar each and the dining table is only forty. plus it is BLUE which totally clashes with all of my decor. i should really have more blue around. it is a very calming color. lord knows i need calm.

i am not sure whether to laugh or cry. i do not know if they are replacing him or just moving his position back to headquarters. he actually seems sad to have to sell all his crappy ikea furniture, his last two years here pathetically revealed in paper lampshades and particle board. he seems to be a nice person, anyway.

will he still hold caesar power over my job? or will that illustrious honor go to some other schmo who is already here? or coming from another industry (worse!) or being promoted from within? what if that person is a big dick?

i need a vacation.

love, emmie |

on your knees bitch

July 28th, 2004 @ 09:23PDT

i havent had sex for a while. i want to be ravished. thrown down, as it were.

i often makethe claim that the majority of women want to be thown down and fucked (by their signifigant other that is) and not sexily and gently seduced.

i for one do not want to be seduced one bit. in fact it frustrates me and i hate it. do not gently stroke me. ever.

love, ellie |

pants? who needs ‘em?

July 28th, 2004 @ 09:19PDT

i guess. i could tell she wanted me to say “well come over anytime” or “let me know if you need anything”. but if i had said either of those things than she might have really come over anytime or asked me for shit. fuck that noise. it already pissed me off that she even came to the door. i had to run around looking for my pants. fuck it. next time i answer the door in my underwear. I’m unemployed for fucks sake.

love, ellie |

no yes no no yes no

July 27th, 2004 @ 20:20PDT

there really is nothing liek getting fired to make you realize how much you hated working. let me try to convince you.. i FUCKING hate working. hate it. you know what i hate more. assholes who either A. pretend they like their job just to make you feel like shit or B. people who actully like their job.
they can all just go fuck right off.
right about now i am thinking things like “gee wouldnt i actually be kinda nice to be a housewife or something?”
but no. i would hate that. i would hate it because i am kind of a hermit. and being stuck in the house all day with a kid would drive me nuts and so i would be forced to leave the house in search of other housewives and i would hate them all. and so my life would suck.

someone fix me please i am feeling broken.

but at the same time i feel perfectly fine and normal and even happy.

goodbye shithole job. hello unemployment check.

love, ellie |

i _knew_ it

July 27th, 2004 @ 20:12PDT

stupid smug bitches. i just fucking knew it. i can’t take the smugness and i never could. they all tried to pretend it wasnt there. but we all knew it was. or maybe they thought they were hiding it? but you’re glad we are all so HAPPY right? and then *snicker snicker snicker* oh, (insert girly girl head tilted to the side sad face here), you’ll be happy someday too and wont have to be a bitter old spinster hag the rest of your life… someday. if you can find some FOOL who will put up with your bitter ass foreva and eva.

note to self: never be smug. never be smug. never be smug.

love, ellie |

July 27th, 2004 @ 04:54PDT

i hired a personal assistant to live my life. she looks a lot like me only with better skin and she smiles more than i do. i am just too freaking busy to do anything myself right now. she worked two hours overtime yesterday and had sex with three different men this weekend, just for fun. i imagine she’s tired about now.

she’s rushing around my apartment looking for my missing gold stud earring and rehearsing my speech to the board. she will drive my hummer as carelessly as i do.

i think i’ll have some coffee and a nap.

love, emmie |

catatonic

July 22nd, 2004 @ 14:18PDT

im hot and sweaty. i am pmsing. i am frustrated and have gain weight. depressed. bored. grrrrrrrr.

i also use the ring. but i have been getting yeast infections more regularly with it. i think i am going to have to switch. i dont know if it is because i am having unprotected sex or if it is from the ring…

today has been horrible. i must get on couch and not move.

love, ellie |

i have to

July 16th, 2004 @ 19:46PDT

a recent comment read thus:

[...]“Before I get flamed, I understand that blaming a woman’s mood changes and irritability on her monthly cycles carries with it the same outcome as, say, asking a gorilla to shave your balls with a machete.”[...]

this deserves an entire entry to itself. because on the one hand women get all pissy when a man says that her crankiness MUST be due to pms. on the other hand women know damn good and well that hormones DO cause crankiness and expect to use it as a perfectly valid excuse for certain instances of bitch mode.

i couldn't help but wonder...
can we have our cake and eat it too?

damn, i miss that show.

anyway, i think so. it’s not fair for men to fall back on it as the only reason for our discontent, as there are certainly plenty more which could be to blame! job, kids, money, car, friends, MEN, parents, etc. etc… i mean, that’s like saying “you have no reason whatsoever to be bitchy, ever, so it must be your cunt because that is pretty much all there is to you”. which is infuriating. however we want to be able to say “i’m sorry i snapped at you, i’m crampy and cranky” – just like everyone says “i’m sorry i’m not feeling very social right now, i’m a bit overwhelmed at work” – when it IS the reason we go off.

for many women hormonal changes are a huge deal emotionally and for some it is not so severe, just like some of us can drink coffee right before bed and sleep like babies while others climb the walls until three a.m. however for those women who are maybe not directly emotionally affected by the chemical changes, the general irritation of having an extra thing to think about and be inconvenienced by for anywhere from five to eight days a month may still SUCK enough to induce mood swings. many of us feel less sexy because the hormones make us smell stronger, cramps make us uncomfortable (and who feels like a slice of sunshine when they aren’t physically well?), and skin problems make our faces shinier or flakier or bumpier which impacts our self-image temporarily. some of us get yeast infections, or wearing pads might irritate our delicate skin.

what the hell am i trying to say? i don’t know. but i don’t get offended by men who intelligently acknowledge hormones as a factor in mood swings, unless they assume that it is pms 100% of the time. i don’t care if a man doesn’t like sex during that time because frankly, i feel freakish and not remotely sexy anyway. (plus the starved urgency of post-menstrual sex is delish!) and it does make me bitchy sometimes, as does everything else in my life.

but i do hate my period and wish it dead.

love, emmie |

i could have kissed him

July 16th, 2004 @ 09:52PDT

me: i want this job but i do not know if i can work it out.
him: what do you mean?
me: here are all the things that would potentially be a problem: thing a, thing b, thing c, thing…
him: (cutting me off) do you WANT it?
me: yeah, i do.
him: then take it. everything else will fall into place.
me: but what about thing a, thing…
him: we’ll find a way. we always do.

love, emmie |

a kick in the pants

July 16th, 2004 @ 09:47PDT

so how about that nonstop birth control pill that lets you have your period only four times a year? i have had zero success with this so far. you can supposedly just skip the dummy week of your regular pills and achieve the same effect, according to my doctor. but some people have irritating breakthrough bleeding for the whole duration, which is what i had the last time i tried it. this time i tried it again and i got not only the breakthrough bleeding but as a nifty bonus my period came ANYWAY. argh!

it sucks to have your period twelve times a year. four would definitely be better. but if in the attempt to get only four a year you wind up with random, unscheduled bleeding i think it is not worth it at all. because the upside of having your period is that at least you know WHEN it is going to happen. you can prepare for it. i always have to run out and get laid twice the day before my period so that i’ve had enough to last me for five or six days. and by the time it is over i pretty much radiate that “hello, i SAID i am on the market, someone please fuck me now” vibe. which may look desperate to girls but sure looks attractive to boys.

so i think i am done with this messing with mother nature thing. either that or i am going to go get one of those new iuds that last five years. only they cost like $500 and it is questionable whether insurance covers them… possibly the patch is covered, does it work too? any sudden weight gain like i had with the depo shot? does it fall off your skin? and where will i put it so that it will be hidden and yet not obstruct my tats? not that i care if people see it but if they do they may mistake it for a nicotine patch. at which point they will want to talk about my smoking problem and i will want to tell them to get bent. nobody wins.

speaking of patches and smoking does the hormonal iud and the patch have the same stroke risk etc. for smokers as birth control pills do? because my chiropractor is bugging me about that.

love, emmie |

smashing idea

July 8th, 2004 @ 20:55PDT

and now for something completely different… could someone please invent hands-free cigarettes?

thanks.

love, emmie |

been saving it up

July 8th, 2004 @ 20:53PDT

i am not sure i am ready to make this post. in fact i am not altogether sure that i haven’t already… probably if i did the old version will be better than this one. but anyway.

someone commented on a recent post that every woman he knows claims to have been raped and asks if women actually know what rape is. it pissed me off, but it got me thinking (again) about this touchy subject. and here is what i came up with.

from rainn.org (rape, abuse, & incest national network):

[...]RAPE is forced sexual intercourse, including both psychological coercion and physical force. Forced sexual intercourse means vaginal, anal or oral penetration by the offender(s). This category includes incidents where the penetration is from a foreign object such as a bottle. This definition includes attempted rapes, male and female victims, and heterosexual and homosexual rape.

SEXUAL ASSAULT includes a wide range of victimizations, distinct from rape or attempted rape. These crimes include completed or attempted attacks generally involving unwanted sexual contact between the victim and offender. Sexual assaults may or may not involve force and include such things as grabbing or fondling. Sexual assault also includes verbal threats.

These definitions are the same ones used by the US Department of Justice’s annual National Crime Victimization Survey, the most comprehensive study of the incidence of rape. Unless otherwise noted, all statistics on RAINN’s website are based on the above definitions.[...]

now i think that the “psychological coercion” thing is extremely vague. i was once in a relationship for two years where i slept with my boyfriend every day whether i wanted to or not, because if i refused, he would pretend i didn’t exist, literally. the only time i was exempt was if i was having my period, which grossed him out. i would not presume to prosecute him for that, since i stayed there of my own volition. when i got really sick of it, i left him, and that was that. however that argument does not apply to victims in physically abusive relationships although they often choose to stay. i guess they are understood to feel that their leaving the perpetrator would be potentially dangerous to them based on the abuse itself and the usual threats; there was no reason to think that he would stalk or attempt to physically harm me if i left. and he didn’t.

there was also a guy that i knew from school who waited until i’d had a few beers to get me alone at a bonfire party in the woods. we took a walk and talked and after a while he told me to take off my clothes. i balked, and he told me that he knew where i lived and would come kill me while i slept if i didn’t go along. he was smaller than me and i probably should have thrown him in the river, but i was somehow too scared. he didn’t have a weapon, but he had threatened me. my fault or his? (please don’t answer that.)

there was the time i was in the pool at my friend’s house and two guys (who were normally cool and did not act this way) grabbed my arms and legs while a third ripped my swimsuit off in front of everyone. the third guy’s girlfriend actually got mad at me for asking if it didn’t bother her and urging her to bring it up to him. my boyfriend of the time watched and said nothing. i freaked out, and the host threw us all out. at which point everyone got mad at ME.

there was the time i got drunk and passed out at a friend’s house and woke up with a coworker’s fiance on the couch next to me, sliding his hand up and down my pants leg around my ankle, and moving up to my ass. and i was so physically ill that if i moved i was sure i would have thrown up everywhere, and i didn’t want to do that. so i lay there and pretended to be asleep and hoped someone would catch him, but nobody did.

there was the time that a guy i was sleeping with wasn’t ready for me to leave to run an errand just yet (even though i promised to come back right away) and wouldn’t stop until i pushed him off. which pissed him off to the point that he physically restrained me while he forcibly penetrated me anally.

not one of these men was a stranger to me. NOT ONE. this does not include the varying instances of sexual harrassment or peeping or crude innuendo, which number in the hundreds. i am not especially beautiful. i am not especially endowed.

do men know what rape is? i found a study several years ago that gave shocking results. when men were asked if they had ever raped anyone, they all said of course not. when they were asked if they had ever had sex with someone who had said no, a lot of them said yes. they were further asked if they persisted after she said no, and if they continued despite her asking them to stop, and a lot of them said yes. they do not know, because our parents spend more time teaching girls to keep their heads up and their eyes open in parking lots than they do teaching boys how to respect other people sexually, or teaching girls how to respect themselves, period. parents teach about peer pressure, not about coercion. our entire society still supports the theory that a sexually active guy is a stud while a sexually active girl is a slut.

do women know what rape is? a lot of us don’t, even after it happens to us. we are raised to think that it will be a stranger, a man with a mask and a weapon who finds us when we are somewhere we are not supposed to be and it is past our curfew. (this is mostly to scare us into keeping our curfew and behaving ourselves. ahem.) however, according to rainn, in 2000, four of ten rapes happened in the victim’s home, while only one in twelve happened in a parking garage. so when it isn’t the armed masked stranger, when it is someone we thought we knew and could trust, it has an unreal quality which makes it difficult to define. i actually looked it up in the dictionary when it happened to me.

i have no conclusions, except that it is fucked up. it is fuzzy. it is a double-edged sword. but it is out there. it is real. and it is painful. it happens a hell of a lot more than you think, to the people you would least expect.

i am idiot for writing this. rude comments will be deleted.

love, emmie |

hot and bothered (or not)

July 8th, 2004 @ 17:11PDT

does anyone here bother to come and check on us daily?

love, ellie |

constructive emotion

July 6th, 2004 @ 18:20PDT

a good constructive fight is a refreshing thing.

i wish i could articulate how i feel/think about negative emotions. i kinda like them in a way. i like the idea of them. i like the idea of a gamut of human emotions. i don’t mind experiencing them all.

if i didn�t get mad and feel like shit and cry then it seems like i would be avoiding something too big, something that should not be avoided.

but what about the seeming complete absence of emotions? i something get that. i look at some situation and think “hmmm, i kinda think i should be feeling THIS. but i’m not sure” but really i am feeling nothing at all.

how common is that i wonder? it seems fairly normal. it’s like a stress reaction. absence of feeling to cover what might be overwhelming. this is similar but not exactly the same as denial.

love, ellie |

good people

July 6th, 2004 @ 18:12PDT

human versatility never ceases to amaze me. i consider myself to be a “good person” i mean, who doesn’t?
no one goes around thinking what a little shit they are.

so despite my “good person” status i have done spectacularly shitty things in my life. some of them i even feel bad about.

but a lot of them i don’t.

i would never do anything that i would consider to be bad for humanity in general.

i act with my own best interests at heart in personal relationships. and personal relationships is what i am thinking about now. i have treated peoples emotions in a cavalier fashion in the past. and why shouldn�t i? everyone is responsible for themselves. i am not going to play nice little girl to avoid hurting someone�s feelings when the balance is going against what is best for me.

this might be a case of mistaken “take back the night” syndrome. as in i have detected a flaw/something i am not happy about or something that i know other people would not condone and i am trying to embrace it.

i hate it when other people do that.

the most recently detected one being the hideously inflated ego to mask low self esteem well fuck it i will just be a big fat ego maniac and run with it syndrome.

sososo unattractive. but oh well.

love, ellie |

July 1st, 2004 @ 17:08PDT

whinewhinewhine! that is all she ever does. heinous!!

today she threatened to quit. it was all i could do to tell her not to let the door bump her ass on the way out. she is paranoid (management has it in for her) and negative (she rues the day she took this job) and a complete drama queen (she just can’t handle this shift) not to mention unprofessional (she writes “wazzup” in her e-mails to heads of other departments with whom she is NOT intimately acquainted) and bratty (she whines when something is reassigned elsewhere for efficiency and practicality) and high-strung (has a heart attack if same projects ARE on her plate).

NOT TO MENTION SLOPPY. she wrote down the monthly stats on a post-it note (!!!!!) and stuck it on the door!! hello — spreadsheet? it’s called excel, fucking LOOK INTO IT!! she would be sooooooooooo fired if i had my way…

my job is totally hanging by a thread, btw… others can do it cheaper (though not better, ahem) and management is on an expense-cutting audit kick… this all sucks considering i love my boss and others on my team more than life itself. and that i could be groomed to succeed to higher office given the right professional climate – i am already considered my boss’s go-to guy even though there is someone else with that official title.

however it is no fun to work here anymore. team morale is at all-time low. dozens of people waiting to be laid off and determined not to break their asses in the meantime. boy they will be pissed to find out there really is no severance package after all…

love, emmie |

i love you but

July 1st, 2004 @ 16:58PDT

please GO HOME.

love, emmie |

never never land

June 30th, 2004 @ 17:11PDT

somehow it is just never the right time.

love, ellie |

things that worry me

June 30th, 2004 @ 17:05PDT

i would say that about 70% of women i know were either raped or sexually abused as childrfen. that is a lot of people. and who are the men that perpetrate these crimes?
not the men I KNOW right? right? i mean, it’s not like all those rapes or abuse were perpetratedin a back alley on a dark night with strangers.
who the fuck are these men? where do they come from and why are there so many and why is this somehow okay? if it wasnt okay then it wouldnt keep happening with such alarming frequency. now would it?

punishment for this kind of thing needs to be swift and severe. it is not okay behavior.

on a lighter note i worry that people dont like me. seriously. what is it about some people that they engender the affection of others so seemingly easily?

love, ellie |

or can i?

June 28th, 2004 @ 18:03PDT

tonight i will also talk to the BF about this living together thing. he KEEPS mentioning it agravatingly buyt not actually talking about it.
it is so silly. i mean hell, if he can’t say “so i want you to move in” we should not be moving in.

anyway, fuck it. tonight i force a conversation about it.

it wouldnt happen until this winter if it happens. i want to live with him. but i also promised yself a long time ago that i wouldnt live with another boyfriend unless it was the person i wanted to marry. but i cant SAY that. hmmm. or can i?

love, ellie |

arrr

June 28th, 2004 @ 18:01PDT

i started my therapy.

the first session was kinda lame. i go again this week. possibly it will get better. i willgive it a few more shots.

the first homework assignment i have to do is hard. i have been sort of thinking about it. but haven’t buckled down and really started writing. my usual mode of operation is to just do some free form writing and then try to clean it up a bit.

so i will do that tonight i think.

love, ellie |

should i or shouldn’t i?

June 24th, 2004 @ 10:30PDT

should i move in with my boyfriend?

will it make the relationship go downhill immediatly? will he require too much of my attention? will he get irritated that i read too much? will i be irritated that he smokes too much pot? will i get mad that he never cooks and pees on the toilet seat?will he suddenly realize that i have no friends and am a loser? hmmmm.

it could be really great. there would be house projects. build a deck and a catwalk. make a spiral staircase, a work station. art projects. welding. cooking. sex. drugs and rock and roll. it could be really great.

love, ellie |

come to think of it

June 22nd, 2004 @ 16:55PDT

maybe she is a better bet than my photolab girl… maybe she actually KNOWS my photolab girl!!

i wonder if her name is something old like sheila or nancy or something trendy like brittney or candace. hopefully it is something more classic and timeless. like jane or kate.

love, emmie |

just like junior high

June 22nd, 2004 @ 16:53PDT

she is so unbelievably cute. she is punky. and nobody wears belly shirts to the office, much less with a navel ring!!

it makes me like her, that she bucks the system. how lame!!

she is stuck on that obviously fake burgundy hair color but only on the tips of her hair. which is still pixie-like. i always was a sucker for pixies. i can see three tattoos when she is wearing one of her tank tops (with bra straps of course) and cropped jeans. she looks like kelly osbourne only thin and really really cute.

she smokes. score!!

must find way to talk to her… possibly tomorrow? will she say yes?

love, emmie |

June 22nd, 2004 @ 16:50PDT

i do not think i am what you think i am…

it is just not ever enough i don’t think. it comes and goes. maybe it is hormonal or chemical. or possibly i am an asshole and it is really all my fault.

i do not know how to help myself (unless there is cake).

love, emmie |

ok i lied.

June 22nd, 2004 @ 16:47PDT

liar.
underachiever.
slacker.
bitch.
neurotic freak.
insecure.
self-conscious.
spineless.
lazy.
procrastinator.
foul-mouthed.
impatient.
picky.
crochety.
easily trampled.
two-faced?
self-loathing!

i don’t know anymore.

love, emmie |

not only am i a dumbass

June 18th, 2004 @ 11:56PDT

but i am an asshole too.

i find that in order to not be a asshole i must distance myself from the the thing is causing me to want to be an asshole.

that;s the smart thing to do. distnace myself until i can learn to deal with the situation without being an asshole.

must let some things gloss over me.

love, ellie |

don’t touch me! i am freaking!

June 18th, 2004 @ 11:06PDT

i refused sex last night. i had had like three million cups of coffee. a coke and a waffle with syrup at like 9:30 pm.

what was i thinking? had i forgotten that i needed to get up in the morning?

i was a total spaz. gigglepants as my BF says. he was all like “grrreat! i can get some energetic run around screaming and chasing you with a spatula sex!” oh goody!”

but you know, there comes a point in a caffeine addicted girls day when the caffeine overcomes her and makes her too hyper sensitive to be able to have sex. or do do anything but lie there in the dark giggling like an insane woman.

love, ellie |

yeah, i’m a dumbass.

June 18th, 2004 @ 11:01PDT

i spent a long time.. purposely not caring or having an opinion. i wish i could explain this well. it’s very dumb and i regret it.

but i find people who are fanatics about things to be irritating. i want everyone to have a rounded view of everything. you must see every possible side of every argument.

also, i didn�t like it when people were fanatics because it seemed to me that there came a point in someone�s development that they decided to become a fanatic about say sports or music just so that they could have something to talk about with other people. so they could maybe have an edge? seem interesting? seem smart?

okay i know all that is partially true. but who cares? it was dumb that i cared and dumb that my retaliation was to not care about anything and purposely not become an expert at anything.

i mean, now, i don’t know anything. it sucks.

love, ellie |

June 16th, 2004 @ 15:22PDT

i dont like to think i am jealous. as jealousness indicates insecurity.

but then again. whatever, that is bullshit. and also, so fucking what if i have some insecurities? fuck off! i am allowed, no?

it is okay to have some rules in a relationship isn’t? i can say, “please dont do ‘this thing’ as it makes me uncomfortable”.

or i can say (to be completely PC) “IF you do ‘this thing’ i will feel uncomfortable and angry and my feelings willbe hurt”

sooo eexxxcccuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me for not being totally all progressive and shit.

love, ellie |

June 16th, 2004 @ 14:56PDT

you people are killing me. YOU ARE KILLING ME!!

do not waste my fucking time, as i do not have very much of it in the first place. learn to fucking communicate with each other, and with me, IN ENGLISH, because that is what i speak. also it is good if you CHECK FIRST instead of making up an answer to the questions that i ask you. this helps me to avoid looking like a fucking asshole by acting on information that is not firm.

do not think that you are so fucking important that the head honcho of any department has it in for you and is trying to run you out of the company by simply changing regulations which are IN THEIR JOB DESCRIPTION. get some fucking help already because it has been several years and although it was something really painful it can NOT be a good thing when it still interferes with your job performance!

YES she likes me better. YES i am smarter. YES i have more experience, even though you are older. YES YES YES. as lester said

I RULE!

learn your place in the pecking order. i never hassle you for anything! don’t fucking hassle me! do NOT ask me to take sides between you and someone who has been there every time i ever needed anything, because you will LOSE.

do not under any fucking circumstances try to guilt trip me into doing something that i do not feel good about. because all my life i have ignored my gut and EVERY FUCKING TIME it has backfired. do not laugh about how funny it would have been, because it would have been horrific, for me. it would have sheared the fabric of my emotional fucking universe, and to think i almost listened to you! i will treat my gut better from now on and not hate it because it isn’t totally flat.

stop telling me that my plans are wrong and making up reasons that i should give a shit. because i will look out for number one which is me and mine and you can fuck right off, and so can they.

you motherfuckers, all of you! give me back my time and my money and my emotional energy! you feed on it but YOU WILL NOT anymore.

i promise me that.

love, emmie |

Fuck her.

June 16th, 2004 @ 14:54PDT

Omg. I just realized something. She isn’t actually interested in ME. She is only interested in how SHE can HELP me. So I am this thing/entity that she can impart her shitty wisdom/good circumstances/knowledge/happiness to.

It is STILL ALL ABOUT HER.

love, ellie |

fearless love poems!

June 8th, 2004 @ 13:03PDT

i like these! ha!

love, ellie |

June 8th, 2004 @ 11:50PDT

sometimes i feel so devoid of personality. how horrid is that ? i told one of my best friends that once and she was like oh whatever dude. everyone who meets you loves you and you are so chock full of personality it is ridiculous.

all that may be true but it certainly doesn’t stop me from FEELING like i have no personality.

love, ellie |

another good word

June 8th, 2004 @ 10:57PDT

aegis

Protection:
Sponsorship; patronage:
Guidance, direction, or control:
Greek Mythology. The goatskin shield or breastplate of Zeus or Athena. Athena’s shield carried at its center the head of Medusa.

love, ellie |

absurdity overwhelms me.

June 8th, 2004 @ 10:55PDT

man. i had a sex dream about a friend last night and the night before. it was fairly detailed. it was not passionate sex but it was DIRTY sex. it was the dirty kind of sex that i do not have with my current BF.

my current BF is oddly shy in bed. he doesn�t talk. he doesn�t instruct or want instruction. he practically blushes if i open my eyes and look at him. ha! he doesn�t push me around and hold me down like i want. he doesn�t call me a slut or a bitch or a fucking whore. he doesn’t go down on me. oh i miss oral sex! oh how i miss it. i love to go down on him. why does he not want to do it? i think it is because he is afraid he doesn�t know how. so silly. i mean, i know it’s a bit weird down there, all this soft pink skin… but it ain’t difficult!

anyway. i will not have sex with this friend. I WILL NOT. i could if i wanted to this week. or any time really. but i wont. in fact i should try to not dream about it either. OR maybe i could simply use that dream to make sex with current BF better. he dpesnt want instruction but i think he is going to get it anyway. more ass smacking please!

i love my current BF. so much it hurts horribly. so much that horrible insecurity creeps up on me. what if he leaves me for a woman who is thinner? with better skin? nicer hair? funnier? smarter? less dorkily insecure?

maybe he is worrying “what if she leaves me for some guy who will go down on her?”

hahahahaa. well. i wouldn’t. he deserves the ultimate conceit of having one woman love him forever. or is that silly. love makes me feel absurd. and being happy makes me feel absurd too.

love, ellie |

June 8th, 2004 @ 10:28PDT

i’ve been doping things lately that i never thought i would do. just little things. it feels good but scary. i want to do more.

love, ellie |

CAN I PLEASE JUST SAY

June 5th, 2004 @ 22:35PDT

so tied up in an emotional knot i can barely breathe, ARGH!!!

nice but pushy older woman inquired on friday about weekend plans to boy, indicating that there was something scheduled. boy freaked out and tried to cover being forgetful by agreeing casually; then frantically called me and told me i already rsvped. admittedly my mind is a sieve so it is possible. okay… freak out and make preparations necessary to do the duty to which i have apparently already agreed, dashing my plan to laze around and avoid doing laundry or get deeper into my new (old) novel. but i am cool, all is well, everything is okay.

while i am out ask boy to call and confirm time which he does. he then calls me back and tells me that the plans are elsewhere than where we both assumed, at a place where i could never and would never and would gouge out both my eyes and his before going. is person of honor already expecting us? i ask nice but pushy older woman. oh, yes, she says, person will be devastated if you do not go… for the first time in my life ever my gut wins over the guilt, and i bow out gracefully (still confused about how this happened as i definitely would have noticed this if i really did rsvp).

finding out later HEY guess what? i did not even get a fucking invitation in the first place much less rsvp!! pushy older woman is thoroughly amused and laughs for about ten minutes while i am concealing my rage at her idiocy (and that of associated friends and relations). also. boy is in trouble deep. ugh!!!

what if guilt had won? showing up there would have been nightmarish even if i WERE invited. but to not be invited and show up there… surely i would have to throw myself from a cliff after!! i cannot stand it!!

worse later boy is also amused. and annoyed by my irritation. like he thought it was really truly no big deal. NO BIG DEAL. this dammit is why people fucking plan!! so that SHIT like this does NOT HAPPEN.

i did do laundry because i was annoyed and now i cannot sleep. i also ate dinner twice somehow and missed my evening bike ride.

love, emmie |

excited

June 4th, 2004 @ 11:27PDT

so i made an appointment with my GP to talk about her finding me a therapist. i am excited for some reason and also a little scared. will she laugh at me? will she be able to find me a good therapiust? one who has practical things to help me with? like i dont want some one to just sit and listent o me whine. i need someone who will give me feed back and make me look at things differently. i am ready.

i have 0 confidence at work. it is sad and pathetic and embarrasing. can i fix this somehow? what’s wrong with me?

how can i adjust my thinking about people in my family so that things stop sucking?

i am not a good communicator. and am overwhelmed by my emotions all the time.

love, ellie |

hahaha

June 4th, 2004 @ 10:48PDT

i know that last post was funny. but i can sort of dream right? last night i thought, what a dumb self-righteous post i wrote today. i am a dork.

i am so grumpy and get bored with kids easily. i know i will just plunk my kids down in front of the TV give them a fruit roll-up and tell them to shut their little cake holes so that i can go take a bath/read/work/talk to adults. it wont be TV with commercials and stuff tho. i don’t have TV and i dont watch it. so it will be heinous disney movies for them.

all my friends (and me too) are getting to that age where everyone pairs up, gets married and starts squeeze out the kiddies. they all seem a little bewildered but oh so cute (the parents i mean). proud and cute and stuff. and the babies are cute as hell.

i always thought i would not want to be a stay at home mom. but now i almost think that i would. other people are fucking idiots and i wouldnt want my kids spending more time with people who are potentially idiots than with me.

i dont know why i am worrying about this right now. i am not married and i am not pregnant. but like, other people are and my boyfriend is wont to talk about his future kids and when he is drunk he talks about “our” future kids.

i almost feel like i could be ready to have one in the next couple of years. but can i still be cool and stuff?

love, ellie |

i have a feeling

June 3rd, 2004 @ 11:01PDT

that when i am a parent i am going to be super anal about some things

no TV. no soda. no junk food.

but then again i think i will emphasize some things that are better.

good sex education. good money managing education. teach them how to learn. teach them how to be interested and excited in the world. teach them that they can do anything. attempt to not pressure them to be a certain way or how i imagine them to be. give them tools and then back off.

love, ellie |

some good words, yo.

June 3rd, 2004 @ 10:57PDT

ideologue

An advocate of a particular ideology, especially an official exponent of that ideology

Zeitgeist
The spirit of the time; the taste and outlook characteristic of a period or generation:

iconoclast
1. One who attacks and seeks to overthrow traditional or popular ideas or institutions.
2. One who destroys sacred religious images.

moral

1. Of or concerned with the judgment of the goodness or badness of human action and character: moral scrutiny; a moral quandary.
2. Teaching or exhibiting goodness or correctness of character and behavior: a moral lesson.
3. Conforming to standards of what is right or just in behavior; virtuous: a moral life.
4. Arising from conscience or the sense of right and wrong: a moral obligation.
5. Having psychological rather than physical or tangible effects: a moral victory; moral support.
6. Based on strong likelihood or firm conviction, rather than on the actual evidence: a moral certainty.

1. The lesson or principle contained in or taught by a fable, a story, or an event.
2. A concisely expressed precept or general truth; a maxim.
3. morals Rules or habits of conduct, especially of sexual conduct, with reference to standards of right and wrong: a person of loose morals; a decline in the public morals.

ethic

1.
1. A set of principles of right conduct.
2. A theory or a system of moral values:
2. ethics (used with a sing. verb) The study of the general nature of morals and of the specific moral choices to be made by a person; moral philosophy.
3. ethics (used with a sing. or pl. verb) The rules or standards governing the conduct of a person or the members of a profession: medical ethics.

love, ellie |

June 1st, 2004 @ 08:27PDT

i don’t have enough time or money or energy or money to do the things that i want to do. i don’t have enough emotional strength to decide what those things are anyway. i have however lost five pounds.

last night i slept on a torpid sea of unsettling dreams. the ensemble cast comprised every person who has ever been remotely important in my life and some people that i have not yet met. there was a scary kind of tragedy to the whole thing, which consisted mostly of emotional ups and downs and innumerable physical blockades – curtains that i got tangled in, doorways that looked open only to be made of bulletproof glass, mazelike apartments with too many doors that looked exactly the same. and nobody around me could understand why i was in such a hurry to get out or where the fire was. i didn’t either, but the more i hurried the more i was delayed, which caused my blood pressure to rise and i woke up with my heart thumping. i wanted to grasp it and i tried so hard to remember while i was drinking vodka in the kitchen at four a.m. but it was already long gone.

it was hard to go back to bed because there were spirits here last night. i just know it.

love, emmie |

June 1st, 2004 @ 08:10PDT

it’s been most of my day, every day, for a while now; that is why my posting is spotty at best lately. because there are things so impossibly scary that i cannot even talk about them here…

love, emmie |

don’t believe it

May 28th, 2004 @ 10:42PDT

remind yourself that this is merely a vision without substance

love, ellie |

so that’s why i failed math.

May 22nd, 2004 @ 16:54PDT

ok it wasn’t a million hits. it was only 100,000. i feel stupid now because this grievous error makes 100k hits seem like chump change in comparison to what i thought it was.

dumb, emmie. dumb.

love, emmie |

May 21st, 2004 @ 10:40PDT

i am happy to wait because i never thought it would happen anyway.

love, ellie |

afterthought

May 20th, 2004 @ 20:34PDT

possibly porn movies are to sex lives what mass media is to body image?

that is a fucking interesting concept right there…

love, emmie |

a penetrating subject

May 20th, 2004 @ 20:31PDT

heh. that was lame.

i am sort of running out of things to talk about i think. maybe that is why anal sex comes to mind? am not sure. but there it is.

i would just like to say that i can not even remember the first time i liked it. i remember the first (and second) time i hated it, because he totally did it WRONG. which is to say that the way he did it assumed i was a porn star who had loads of experience having my ass ridden and acting like it was enjoyable. instead of realizing that i was a kind of promiscuous high school girl who thought that anal sex was how you got hiv. it hurt so much (even with lube) that i think i actually kicked him in the stomach to get away from it. he looked so shocked like it didn’t register that it might hurt to have an eight-inch cock shoved up your ass. i probably should have offered him the experience with my favorite vibrator. but i wasn’t that savvy yet.

later on he actually asked if we could try it again. and i am so dumb that i said yes. again he left with bruises and i was confused and it still did not occur to me to boyfriend him at all.

at some point there came a time when it was interesting to me. i think once while masturbating i accidentally bumped a finger there and it didn’t totally suck so i did it again. somehow i wound up buying anal beads (which are heavenly when properly utilized). still did not feel i could share it with anyone i slept with for fear of being thought weird.

then when i was like 22ish they were discovered by the sexy older man i was dating. i was embarrassed and prepared to defend myself but he was totally into the idea that he’d stumbled on something else i enjoyed, something new with which to pleasure me. he was also very casual about everything and there were very few sexual practices i ever saw him balk at. i taught him how to use them and he learned, um, very very well.

then the beads got old and worn out and i threw them away and didn’t replace them. i didn’t obsess over them but he didn’t want me to miss anything, so it started with his finger and gradually evolved into larger vibrators. after a while i agreed to try anal sex again, with him, and it took some figuring to get it right. it is better missionary style than doggie style, easier too. and if you do it right you don’t even need that much lube, which is cool because i am too sensitive for those, they itch. and relaxation is very very important.

i am seeing a trend here. it seems that historically i have been open to the right things with the wrong people. and those people turn me off to things that could be perfectly enjoyable if correctly practiced, until someone comes along who is actually willing to listen and learn and receive constructive criticism.

sex is just generally so much better with people who pay attention to their partners and not to porn movies.

love, emmie |

wtf!?!?!?!?!

May 20th, 2004 @ 11:49PDT

take it take it take it!!!?! how could you not jump on it drooling and squirming?

this is, oddly enough, an issue of privilege and confidence and the confidence that goes with provilage.

holy shit. take it right now before i barf.

love, ellie |

omg

May 19th, 2004 @ 20:48PDT

we are almost at ONE MILLION hits. we should give something away to the millionth visitor. how fun would that be?

hey, random cyber person, i have a ‘58 chevy with your name on it.

ot: if we wrote a regular column for someone else’s online zine or something would you guys come read us?

love, emmie |

May 19th, 2004 @ 20:46PDT

i swear there has got to be a fucking way to make some fucking money. i mean besides hooking or stripping. which i would totally do if i owned a treadclimber which i can’t afford because i have NO MONEY because i don’t hook or strip.

i can write. in spite of the tripe i sometimes spew here there are times when i actually have something to say. and i am pretty good at saying it mostly. however the deadline thing concerns me – while i am good under pressure with most things it is hard to be inspired for free on my own fucking blog sometimes. how could i expect to be paid for having writer’s block?

have thought about “becoming an affiliate” for various and sundry crap places. or putting ads here on this very page (which would kill me, as you know, because it wouldn’t coordinate nicely enough with my color scheme). but i hate ads. and i hate marketing. somehow tv commercials are less bad than banner ads or telephone solicitation… another post possibly on that alone?

can’t someone just pay me to be emotionally fucked-up and have too little energy to do everything that needs doing?

please.

love, emmie |

dream line

May 19th, 2004 @ 18:19PDT

is this love? or helplessness?
it’s true when he talks i hear only whispers and see only the
shape of his mouth.
The desire lights me up like the sudden flare of a match. he makes me crumble and ties my
tongue in knots that my mind can not undo.
but how can anyone make you do these things he asks me. i try to
answer but instead melt like the melting of disappointment and
of hope.

i run through the corridors calling for him but my ears are gone
anyway so who cares?
i am only a shadow. and all this time no one
has seen me at all. they heard me maybe but didn’t realize what
that whispering noise was or that breeze. i never touched anyone.

oh god. please see me. i have to jump up and down and i scream and
scream and scream and i wake up and wake up and wake up. i try to
fall to my knees to beg but my arms are held up by marionette
strings.
but really i never moved. and all this has happened in one second
of him looking at me.

where is that light at the end of the tunnel, he sings to me. and
then he blinks and looks expectant. like a cat but not now, if you
look closely, more like a slavering dog. the drool. the fangs. the
mind is made up and it scares me more than dogs in little sweaters
or a beautiful girl. and there is nothing to do about it.

and then i see it is fear of her that is stopping me. her eyes are
this message in my head and i can’t get them off me. it all runs
like a night sweat nightmare that i can’t get a way from.

love, ellie |

it’s happening again.

May 19th, 2004 @ 15:09PDT

she’s doing it again. wtf. how to handle?
tell her to mind her own business?

her response will be: (hurt look in her eye) i was just being friendly. i want people to like me. i like people. i am interested in people. everyone likes me. if they don’t i might die. you are not interested in people. that is why people think you are mean or anti-social. here let me help you by not allowing you to be yourself and horning in on everyfucking thing you like to do and all the people you like. see see see?! everyone likes me and they don’t likeyou.”

but you know. it is almost starting to scare me. here it is.

in school i was mostly nerdy. people were mean to me. when i had the opportunity to be mean i often went with it. the social hierarchy in elementary school is ever changing but almost always perfectly clear. i was low but not the lowest. sometimes girl A or girl B would be below me and i would be goaded by the other litle girls to be cruel. this is the way little girls often are. kids are cruel and they know it is a cruel world.

in junior high i was mostly nerdy and then got cool. only because i realized that cool was attainable with only the minorest changes to appearance and attitude. and then add in to that a healthy disregard for what other people think of yoiu and then voila! you are cool. i was rarely cruel in junior high and high school at least not to those who were in my social sights. for instance i would certainly make fun of the people who were considered by themselves and other fools to be the popular kids. there was this constant irritation that someohow being popular was the thing you wanted to be. i tend to think of the columbine kids now when i think about that social structure. it was just that niggling goading injusticy feeling. injustice. because when you are in high school you have no idea that that social structure mostly crumbles and falls i later life. you have no idea that you will someday have power over yourself and that this childish artificial structure will be meaningless.

but anway the social hierarchy blurred and i no longer cared. i certainly knew how to be cruel tho still.

i could invoke that sort cruelness now if i were to see her “out”.

it’s scary that i could find myself with that urge or that possibility of feeling towards someone. it means that deep down i AM threatened by her. and not so deep down either.

love, ellie |

cop out?

May 19th, 2004 @ 11:05PDT

its not like there are not interesting people here anyway. they are all over the place. and they are perfectly interesting and have cool thoughts. probably more interesting and cool than mine. but they are all older and in a different stage of life i tell myself. cop out? or not?

love, ellie |

i have to call.

May 18th, 2004 @ 11:55PDT

i oh so wish that she had not called me and told me this. i wanted the information. but i needed it from someone else. not tainted by her already freaked out weird perseption of the world. now, i do not know how i feel or how to act. somehow it is not okay to be me here. why woudl i feel that way? how can i call and just be myself if i am thinking like this? fuck.

love, ellie |

SNARK

May 18th, 2004 @ 11:51PDT

why is everyone not constantly rejoicing in how fabulous i think i am. dont they want me to be happy? it is clear that they are all jealous of my brilliance. too bad they can’t get off their pleb asses and do the brilliant kind of things i do. oh yes, here is my moment to get attention, well deserved attention. i will tell everyone about it. but see, i am sort of humble. at least i pretend to be. are you fooled?

love, ellie |

May 13th, 2004 @ 09:03PDT

holy shit i love having sex with him. it is like a drug in that i will start out saying that i am not in the mood for a certain thing but he quickly (and skillfully) changes my mind. and in the end i don’t regret it.

he likes making me feel good. and i totally forget all the issues i have with skin, hair, etc. and feel like a fucking goddess.

all good.

love, emmie |

May 13th, 2004 @ 08:59PDT

it is weird because i am a person who is very into details. so when i tell you a story it is fucking critical that you know how the hair of the person i am talking about was styled because otherwise you will miss the nuances of the situation. it takes me two hundred years to tell you something that happened to me in five minutes. i know it, and i hate it, and i am working on it.

the problem is that when other people who are equally concerned with trivial things because they don’t think they are trivial come talk to me, my eyes start to glaze over and i tune them out. only the very very best of my friends don’t get this treatment (if you have to ask you aren’t one of them).

last night i was talking to one such girl and we sat for about an hour talking about personal things and she would complain about something in great detail (i’m sorry, did i get eye glaze on you?). then i would say something about my life trying to be helpful and let her know that i could relate (i was listening even though my eyes were glazed), and i saw her eyes glaze over too. we did that for a whole hour! it was freaky.

like when two people who are in the same industry have to talk to each other and they use their professional tricks on each other. like lawyers talking around the issues or doctors writing notes to their spouses in illegible handwriting. i once knew a customer service rep who was taught never to hang up on the customer, wait until the customer hangs up. when he had to call other customer service reps (who were similarly trained), they both said goodbye and waited for the other person to hang up. it took like ten minutes or something.

that shit drives me NUTS.

love, emmie |

more on neediness.

May 12th, 2004 @ 10:11PDT

i spent a long time crying last night. which was unfortunate for several reasons. one being that i wanted to go to bed early so that i could get up early. and lo, i stayed in bed until 8:30 and also my face is all puffy. the other bad thing was actually that my boyfriend was not there. maybe it is a good thing. maybe i should have called him. maybe it was good because now i could talk to him about it with a minimum of crying.

it started out that i was just thinking about the neediness issue. So I am at a point in my life where I suddenly no longer have everything figured out. I am confused about almost everything. I am having to throw away many of my old ways of thinking and behaving and look for new ones.
< this must be unattractive and not so fun to be around for a significant other> it is a stressful process. And why am I going through it now? Age maybe as one reason. But also just situation. I am finally semi-stable and I worked my ass off to get in this position. Fully self supporting etc. so I am not longer only maintaining the basils of life. So now all those other thing I have been putting off dealing with. Family stuff. Well and also� I worked really hard to get in the position but now I hate it. I hate my job. It is killing me. But anyway. That�s a lot of negative stuff. I have confidence in myself that I will eventually work all this out. But otherwise my confidence levels are shot since my world is essentially turning upside-down. Will anyone want to be around me while I deal with these things? I have never had confidence that another person will stick by me in hard times. And let�s not blow this out of proportion. I am basically stable in all respects. Just realizing now that I have some hard things to work out within myself. And I think I am going to go ahead and ask my doctor for therapy.
I mean, is it so bad to ask someone to not abandon me?
Does that make me needy?
How can I make sure that I am around to help him deal with his problems too? Is that what neediness is all about? Focusing only on yourself and demanding others do the same?

it’s true i have been crying a lot lately. i used to never never cry in front of anyone. boyfriends that is. i guess because it would have been an unattractive girlfriend quality. now that i look back on that i think that was all wrong. i was really just holding them all at arms length to protect myself. anyway how could them listening to me cry have done me any good? well. i still don’t know the answer to that. except that when i talked to my BF about some of my family problems he was unbelievably helpful. he had a different perspective and he is smart and asked me all the right questions to force me to think about things in a new way and to examine the old ways. god i love him.

love, ellie |

huh

May 11th, 2004 @ 15:59PDT

what does ‘i love you’ mean?

depends on who you are talking to.

omg. what does having a ‘real’ relationship mean anyway? pals? omg. i think i am going to barf.

love, ellie |

need vs needy

May 10th, 2004 @ 15:33PDT

I�ve never been much of one for needing people. at a young age i deemed it unwise to need anyone. everyone around me was too busy paying attention to my older sister. she received all of the positive and negative attention. so i pretty much looked to myself for support as i got older i continued in this vein. and it got worse.
it became that i was incapable of needing anyone. so that when i was upset or things in general were wrong i did not share this with others. and i realize now the worst part was that i did not ever share the positive either. i didn�t see the point.

this is fucked up in many ways. one of them being that my sense of perspective about my life is totally skewed in some insular fantasy direction.

suddenly my life is turned upside-down. i don�t even know why. but i feel a tremendous neediness. an overwhelming urge for feedback from people. and for emotional connections with people. but i haven’t the faintest clue how to do it.

love, ellie |

other weirdness

May 5th, 2004 @ 18:25PDT

something else that is weird is saying something to someone and watching it send them into a tailspin of horrible self doubt and hatred and all that nastyness. i didn’t do it on purpose. and i have to keep telling myself that that tailspin part of it isn’t actually my fault.

i feel like i am on the verge of being a better person somehow. i can’t wait. the better me is happier and more creative. but not nessesarily non-grumpy .. ya know, there are just some things one must embrace.

love, ellie |

feel the burn

May 5th, 2004 @ 14:54PDT

have you ever just been completely overwhelmed with love. so much so that you can’t stop crying?

so weird.

love, ellie |

overheard

May 4th, 2004 @ 20:05PDT

him: stop fucking me while i am trying to sleep!
her: stop sleepin while i am trying to fuck you!

…

love, emmie |

hermit-like

May 3rd, 2004 @ 10:31PDT

i am usually very hermit like. and on top of being a hermit i am often emotionally closed off.

but lately i have been much less of a hermit and have had the desperate desire to … i don’t know. expose myself in RL to people. i feel like i crave sympathy

love, ellie |

i guess i am back

April 28th, 2004 @ 10:25PDT

here i am. back. I am here to torment Emmie with my bad spelling and worse grammar and, omg, my totally random punctuation.

but unfortunately with no interesting sex to talk about really. if i was having super fabulous exciting sex i might not even talk about it then.

i often get flack from people i know about not being positive enough.

but what they don’t understand is that i AM positive, i just don’t feel the need to talk about positive things. mainly because feeling happy and positive about something is not confusing or worrying. it is not something i need help with or need to receive feedback about. it is more straight forward and so less interesting to me.

i find writing about things that upset me in whatever way helps me think problems through. sometimes i try to write about things in a structured way but more frequently i end up with a more free flowing outpouring of emotion. and sometimes in that, i end up saying stupid things. but if they are written down i can examine them and figure out why i was thinking that way in the first place.

if anyone i know is reading this i kind of hope they fuck off and allow me some privacy.

this is one reason do not like pres. Bush. he often makes declarations along the lines of ‘when i make up my mind i keep it made up’ and ‘i stay the course’ and other similar things. but to me that is not a admirable quality in and of itself. basically, being a person who knows and understand duty and commitments. that is admirable. but to be unwavering? to never change your mind? to not admit you could be wrong? to me that is an indicator that you are not actually thinking things through critically.

i often worry that my thinking is not critical enough. i see life and ideas as something like a layer cake. okay not a layer cake… but something layered. so you can peel back ideas more and more and maybe not ever get to the bottom of it. but i often need help changing direction. i want to look at things and peel them back from new perspectives.

love, ellie |

the only cunt officially certified by nasa

April 28th, 2004 @ 07:43PDT

let this illustrate that i do indeed keep my promises. please do not ask me to explain.

i wish i were some sort of domestic goddess but i am not. i actually like this person and i would like to do more than pick up a stupid prepackaged vegetable tray at the supermercado.

i sort of see britney deliberately attempting to go madonna’s way, and it irritates the hell out of me. it’s like watching a building collapse and not being big or strong enough to stop it. identify the moneymaking formula and kiss the ass of its pioneer. it didn’t work when oasis proclaimed themselves the next beatles… why is madonna so easily copied/toppled? possibly because she is still available (unlike the beatles?) to offer her endorsement. oh, look, britney, isn’t she as cute as i was when i first started? i am older and more sophisticated now and have much to teach her. i wonder if there’s any bitterness there…

that is what i was thinking about while listening to this new cd i have which has both britney and madonna on it. coincidence, really. that and swag, which we have none of. but which i am still convinced people would buy. i am not an artist, nor am i brave enough to brazenly reproduce copyrighted images for my own financial gain. ergo, no swag. someone draw me some pictures or something! i like sexy silhouettes. also eyes and lips (especially lips!) and symbols of superiority, such as the above tiara. we are not really superior but it is fun to pretend.

i promise i will try to have some interesting sex soon. i still wonder how many of you read us just for that content.

do you like us?

love, emmie |

drowning

April 27th, 2004 @ 14:43PDT

i am feeling miserable and misunderstood and mean.

i should be a better person. i should know how/why i feel about things.

where is that magic sentence or insight that will make this not matter to me anymore.

and how do i seperate my issues into the proper catagories? they seem so intertwined and i can not sort them out.

love, ellie |

too tired to care

April 27th, 2004 @ 10:59PDT

please please be around tonight. i need to talk to someone.

i don’t know why this upsets me so much and i need you to like talk me down or something.

you’ve been listening to me bitch about this for 10 years now. she has now decided to be poly. non of my business AT ALL. except when she is doing it with like people who i like and that i am friends with and stuff. although really that shouldn’t affect my friendship with them. but it does. i hate her. i want to get away from her.

i need to make some effort to get away from her and find some other support system.

this makes me want to move in with ‘boyfriend in not to distant town’ just to get away from her. i could have a new life and new friends with him,?

the problem is that he and i are both sort of unintential hermits. we don’t connect well or quickly with other people in that friend way. he might argue with that…but i think he would be wrong.

i spent this morning crying. first because i had to cancel my lesson because my i am still not better. i was having so much fun with those lessons and now i am fucked. and the woman was a huge bitch about it and is making me pay for tonight’s lesson anyway. so that made me cry at about 8:00 this morning. and then some chatting with her and she busts out that she is going on a date with our friend tonight. i told her it was disturbing and asked her if she felt that the loving relationships that people can feel for their friends were hollow why the hellcouldnt she just be friends with someone?

i have to get away from her. i need therapy to deal with her.

i mean it isn’t like i really have a problem with poly relationships, i guess, i don’t know well maybe i do. i think they are doomed to failure usually and i think that they are usually structured in such a way that one party is the loser. for instance. they are married and have each other as that for support etc. he is a passerby essentially. now if he is okay with that so be it. but people do not know what they are getting into with her.

she sucks people dry. she encourages emotional outpouring from people. she craves it. then when she is done with them or they require time or anything else from her she dumps them. she just wants the excitement of someone falling in love with her and ‘revealing’ themselves to her. she is a parasite.

once again: NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

why does this bother me so much? the fact that i have witnessed it umpteen times? because i loathe her particular brand of sexuality? because i think she manipulates people and it isn’t right. and i know this because at some point i realized that she was full of shit and manipulating me and this other thing… this weird thing she does… i don’t know how to explain it. she projects onto me. and i often don’t realize it until it is too late.

i am so frustrated. i feel like my life is on the verge sort of, of being what i want it to be. but it isn’t. and that somehow ties into all this. i wish i did not have to be at work today. i want to like go lie on the beach and be miserable. or something.

love, ellie |

way too much personal information

April 27th, 2004 @ 10:38PDT

sometimes i wonder just how in the hell people look at me and say my skin is so pretty. i have rosacea and combination skin and probably some kind of parasite and i don’t drink nearly enough water. the makeup i am using must be really good although i do not think so.

when i put on my makeup i go close up to the mirror so i can make sure i don’t have any visible base lines anywhere because girls with base lines got made fun of in high school behind their backs. however i do see so much fine blonde hair that i have seriously considered just waxing my entire face. which would be dangerous given that i cannot be trusted to tweeze my eyebrows. you know those people who have some weird obsession with cleaning their ears with q-tips because it feels good? i’m like that with tweezing. yeah, they’re just growing back, thanks.

i think that waxing my whole face would maybe also contribute to the already existing flakiness that is highlighted by any makeup base i wear, particularly the ones that claim to be smooth as a baby’s butt. this problem is fixed with moisturizer or my rosacea cream but then one hour after putting on base someone slips and falls on the oil slick that is my face. and yes the moisturizer is oil-free, give me some credit.

the dermatologist is a twit. (did you know that ‘twit’ means pregnant goldfish? i wonder how it also came to mean idiot…) i asked him how good my skin could get, because the medicine makes it soft and smooth to the touch but it still looks ruddy sometimes and i get those bumps which aren’t exactly zits and so cannot be popped (nearly as gratifying as tweezing). he asked me how good i wanted my skin to be, which i thought was a dumbass fucking question. uh, i’d be satisfied with mediocre skin, will this $65 cream do that for me? DICK. i want it perfect, fuckhat! give it six months, he said. after three i have found that i barely even have time to wash my face once a day let alone use a cream three times. and there is this whole makeup problem.

just don’t wear makeup? yeah, i tried that too, genius. if i don’t wear makeup everyone thinks i am sick and they all run up to me and ask if i am okay. irritating.

i have also noticed lately that the area around my eyes looks sunken and about four times darker than the rest of my skin. not purple circles like i get when i am sick. almost olive, like my skin melted off and that’s what’s underneath. looks creepy after i put on my base but have not yet put on my eyeshadow…

love, emmie |

April 27th, 2004 @ 10:28PDT

he was surprised it was a hummer. with a girl in it. i could tell he wanted to see if i was hot.

fortunately for him i was not. because i was wearing a paint-stained miller shirt (i am remodeling, thank you) and sweats (it was cold) and my hair was in a sloppy ponytail (no makeup of course).

it was weird because as i got out and walked toward the gas pump he very deliberately turned and sized me up. i would think men would have a little bit more shame in this age of sexual harrassment lawsuits and shit. he finished filling his tank and left without looking at me again.

cute guy dropping off his car for some type of service checked me out though. and my ponytail must not have been that sloppy, or else he is a messy kind of guy. he reminded me of someone i know…

love, emmie |

maybe i just took a year off my life

April 26th, 2004 @ 04:13PDT

should i stop haiku?
scientists say they have found
poets die sooner…

love, emmie |

happy asshole day to you…

April 23rd, 2004 @ 20:04PDT

january 5 is the birthday of my first sort-of real boyfriend. it was fifth grade and he was the cutest thing ever. he let me wear his red satin jacket after i convinced him it was the right thing to do, a public declaration of our love. he didn’t seem so sure. it was very convoluted because he loved jennifer, i loved him, billy loved me, and lauren loved billy. billy and my boyfriend were best friends and lauren and i were best friends. it turned out that my hair wasn’t straight enough for him, that is why he liked jennifer, who utterly disdained him. i didn’t like billy because he was too short. billy didn’t like lauren because she was too fat. and in the end, it was he who wasn’t straight enough for me… in high school he came out of the closet.

lauren was a bitch. two-faced. i miss billy sometimes though, he was a really good friend to me all the way into high school.

then comes march 31, the birthday of my first *true* love. he fucked with my head off and on for six years before i finally gave him the finger. he immediately married some other girl who nobody even knew he was dating. last time i saw him he could not look me in the face. everyone knew we would be together forever. everyone was wrong, and i am glad.

april 23 (today) is asshole day. this guy did me more damage in three years than the last guy did in six. i did not realize until after i got out of the relationship (for the third time) that he pretty much coerced me into fucking him like every day. and if i didn’t want to or whatever he acted all bitchy and sometimes completely ignored me until i gave in. i did however tell him to fuck right off every time he ever tried to talk me into giving him head.

why is it that i can’t remember to take my fucking birth control pill every day but the birthdays of my ex-boyfriends will always stay with me?? fucked! like if i could clear that shit out of my head there would be room for much more important things like

go to bank
clean litter box
buy ritz crackers
learn japanese (or lose your job)

if i could just locate my brain’s delete key…

love, emmie |

ps

April 23rd, 2004 @ 19:54PDT

earlier when i said i almost came clean, i meant that i almost said waaaaaaay too much here because i was at a breaking point emotionally. and would have easily blown my cover had i had the energy to fucking type. which fortunately for me i did not.

now you will never know that i am really a 40something housewife with eight kids and a MLM business…

heh.

love, emmie |

April 23rd, 2004 @ 19:52PDT

i have let you down and you love me anyway!

normally i would have said us. it’s the equivalent of breaking up in the blog world though.

today i actually heard girl at pharma say “i almost blogged about that!” am convinced i was hearing things though. she is young … possibly she blogs. who knows.

horror of horrors: my boss has figured out that i am a lesbian in hetgirl sherpa. she knows and she thinks it is hysterical. she teases me about eyeing the aforementioned good-looking boss of other department… i am not really a lesbian. nor am i a hetgirl. but she seems to like me better lately and therefore tells me more about my job security and who is getting downsized, shhh! she even gave me her home phone number. maybe i will get really lucky and she will ask me to babysit her yorkie who is adorable! and named after a certain warrior princess (who is apparently a hetgirl in lesbian sherpa).

i do not understand my good fortune sometimes. i am a total bitch and somehow people like me anyway. and think i know what i am doing to boot. this is called the seat of my pants and it is my main guide right now, thanks. light me a cigarette already.

love, emmie |

more dilemma

April 21st, 2004 @ 06:46PDT

well that’s just great. shit runs downhill. who knew?

it is weird when people poke around fishing for information who never talked to you before for any reason. it is also excessively difficult to maintain patience with a bunch of naysayers who live in a permanent state of denial and ignore their problems instead of addressing them.

i mean, if you were about to get mugged, would you punch the guy in the nose and run away, or would you stand there and talk about something else and hope that possibly he would not notice you or hurt you? i know shit about stocks but i am sure that emotionally i am either bullish or bearish. whichever of those means that you deal with shit head on and prepare for worst case scenario. yep that’s me.

there is no worse word in the world than maybe. maybe is the most irritating concept of all time. also that “twenty minutes, three times a week” idea is lame. but maybe takes the cake.

maybe means that nothing is being done.
maybe means that nothing is known.
maybe means that someone can’t say no.
maybe means that someone can’t say yes.
maybe means that i have been placed on hold, but that my call real